carolannwright

Waking up in the mornings now is different. For the past 12 months, with David’s health issues, on waking the first few seconds were good. But then, like a slap in the face, the reality hit me. David had cancer. Although my eyes opened to the beauty around me, this was suddenly and cruelly replaced with the fear and horror if what was unfolding around us.

For the past week and a bit, I wake and look over at my husband and smile. The outcome of this scary time could have been so much worse. But now, we can sit back and allow his recovery with renewed hope and a chance of a future. When he first had the PSA test done and the fears began, I wished above everything that he had never had the test. All through the early days on this blog, I reiterated over and over that I wished we could un-know what we knew. Life as a couple, in spite of other things going on, we were strong, good and he was fit and healthy. That is the life I wanted. Having the test meant we didn’t have that life, at least not for a year. We both knew if David had cancer, things would change. Side effects of any treatment would affect us both. Our lives together could change forever. Why would I want any of that? No, I wanted to have my life before Prostate cancer. But I had no choice. The test over, a biopsy later and cancer confirmed. Life would never be the same again. Do I still wish the test had never happened? Not anymore.Yes it has been the scariest of times. Yes our lives have changed.Yes I have been angry, sad, terrified out of my mind but am now so glad our GP sent him for this routine blood test. If he hadn’t; No, we wouldn’t have had the year from hell, but maybe, much sooner than we were ready for, David might not have been here. Dramatic? Maybe but despite what some people say, calling PC the ‘good cancer’, men die with it not from it’. Men die from it. End of. But not if its is found early enough.

We need everyone to know of this nasty disease. We need to make people understand, that like Breast cancer, bowel cancer, lung cancer, Prostate cancer is still a killer if not discovered early. So let’s raise awareness. Let’s educate our young men , tell them the importance of being tested. We don’t need to scare people but we do need to promote awareness and I will do that in every blog I write, where I can. I am handing out ribbons, for key rings etc. I will talk to anyone, young or not, whether a man or a woman with men in her life. Get tested please. David is recovering and his post op results were wonderful. Cancer all gone. That is happening more and more, you only have to read statistics or look on social media. We are winning this fight. It is up to us as survivors to do this, raise awareness , tell that it is not a death sentence every time, we are the proof.

My joy at my husband being a survivor does not make me forget all of those who are still fighting. The newly diagnosed who are now where I once was, not too long ago. You can read of my terror, anger, sadness etc in earlier blogs on here. I have been there.Struggling and scared. I think of you all often and send you my love. For those whose prognosis is not good, I send huge hugs, love and hope. I write to quite a few of you privately and will do anything I can if asked. So in my joy there is still great sadness and compassion. I will always be here to help any partner or wife, struggling to cope with their man’s illness. I know all the fear, terror, sadness and anger you feel. I’ve been there and will always be here for you .Something I have learned on my Journey, is that the one thing I had lost sight of in my life, the one thing that let me down over and over as a child , is a little word with huge significance in my own pc struggle. That word is HOPE. Never lose it. I had lost it but have regained  faith in that one word again. Thanks to my friend,Mark Bradford.

Today, Easter Sunday is significant in my life, even more so today. As a child, my Nan used to make us Easter bonnets. I could only wear mine to the church, as I had to change into my choir clothes for the service. The colours were always yellows and purples. My favourite colours to this day. The crown of the hat, she bought from Woolworth’s and covered it in tiny flowers, silk and lots of ribbons to tie under our chins. They were beautiful, shame we don’t do that today. This would have been late 50’s early 60’s. The Sunday service was made extra special because it brought the return of flowers into the church. During lent the church was cold and bare. Although I understood the significance of this, Easter always made up for it and was special. Wonderful resounding music, anthems and hymns, promising a future, a life with love.It heralded new beginnings.  A new start. Another chance.  This is what has instigated this blog.

The past few years as I have said before, have been horrid. The past 12 months alongside of this has been horrendous. Now that David is in recovery and my health issue has been a ‘wait and see’ , I think it time to reach out and try to make things better. A great deal has been said on social media, blogs written posts made, blackening my name. People have listened to lies about me, have been told things about my life that came as a surprise, even to me. They spoke about me with ‘authority’, knowing every aspect of my life in detail, some that I didn’t even know myself. During a long telephone chat last week, of which I talked of in my last blog, I spoke about my son’s illness. The voice at the other end of the phone, seemed shocked and told me that he didn’t even know I had a son. That one sentence , to me, said it all. They don’t know me. The people who caused me so much pain and hurt. They know nothing about me or my life yet they were so quick to believe people, who also knew nothing about the past 40 years of my life. But as I said last week, I bear them no ill. He also said, he admired my honesty, on here, in my books and to the faces of those I am able to actually see. This is the only way I have of communicating with the people involved. With honesty. Through social media. So here it is.

I am now looking forward. The old saying ‘ Don’t look back you are not going that way’, springs to mind. No I am not going back there. I won’t forget the past year, the illness , the fear and the hurt. I can’t and don’t think I should as it taught me so much. The immense periods of waiting that goes along with pc. Taught me patience. I learned that I was not invincible. Not immune to fear, pain and anger. I learned to hope again and felt emotions that were strangers to me. I also learned to cry.

I won’t forget the earlier part of the year. The horror that was Mother’s day. The loss of my publishing contract and my book by people whom I loved and trusted and who once loved me. All of this was forgotten during that time, but no, I won’t forget but want to move on. I understand some of what happened, for the reasons I have written in earlier blogs. I am not angry with anyone, I understand but what this past year has taught me is that life is short. None of us know how long we have and we shouldn’t waste it being estranged from family. We should, especially now at this awful time, this current sadness and imminent loss, need to start again. No-one can undo what has been done. I have apologized for any part I played, out of fear and desperation. But we need now to be together. So if you read this, please get in touch. Comment, email, telephone or message me. Any way you feel happy with.

I will do everything in my power to come down to Hampshire as soon as I can and hope to meet with some of my family and try to put this right. I always said I was willing to face any one but David’s illness prevented that. Although I am still unwell and he is still recovering, we need to do this as soon as is viable. Seeing Tony is something I want, need and will do and it needs to be soon.

Today is a new beginning. Easter shows us that things get better, brighter and that there is a future for us all. So let’s enjoy and appreciate each other please.

Happy Easter everyone.

Thankyou for reading xx

Today is Palm Sunday, the time to look back on past events and forward to Easter and new beginnings. That is the plan.

On Friday we saw the consultant surgeon who carried out the Robotic operation on my husband 6 weeks ago, the removal of his prostate gland. As some of you will know, I have wanted and yet dreaded that Friday ever coming. I only wanted the news if it was good and because of what happened at the biopsy appointment, I was very scared and pessimistic. It seemed at times such a long long wait but then suddenly it was here and I was terrified. I didn’t sleep the night before and travelled the long journey to Swansea in a bit of a haze. David was fine, just wanted to know the results Pragmatic as always but not me. We didn’t wait long before we were called in to see Mr Swamy and I took my seat furthest away from his desk. After all, I wasn’t the patient was I? I couldn’t have felt more scared if I had been. The consultant looked at me with great concern. ‘Why do you look so worried, so terrified’ he said kindly, I couldn’t speak. ‘Well I want to put a smile on your face’ he continued. Looking at my husband, he said,’Your PSA is undetectable and the cancer was not anywhere near as bad as we had first thought. Mild to intermediary’. Did I hear that right? Then David reached for my hand and turned and smiled at me. I wanted to hug the consultant, the nurse, hug everybody but couldn’t move. Yes David will still see him once more and stay in touch. Yes he will be monitored for 3 years but the words, telling us that the cancer with a little ‘c’ was no more was more than music to my ears. For now , it was over. 

What I haven’t told you, is that my husband hasn’t had a ‘belly button’ since he had surgery for an umbilical hernia when he was 8 years old. The central incision for the PC operation has now given him that belly button. The consultant said that the fact is was missing gave him a problem in theatre, the ‘bb’ is the locator point that they use to ascertain where the prostate is and where to travel the instruments, David’s missing ‘bb’ caused issues for him and his team. But now he has ,like most people a ‘bb’ and his only concern now is that he might have bb fluff!

When we left the consulting room, I visited the loo and on coming out I almost fainted. Relief I suppose or this damned artery thing. A very kind lady came over to me and thought I had had bad news. I told her I thought it was relief and found myself telling her about David and the cancer. She gave me the warmest of hugs I have had for a long time. I wish I had thanked her more but I hope she knew how grateful I was. Sometimes people are so kind and caring.

After telling our daughter I wanted to share my good news with my brother Tony, who you will know has terminal lung cancer. I was reluctant to do this in the circumstances but Tony and David are very fond of each as Tony and I are and I had promised to let him know. I was so proud of his reaction, he was genuinely pleased and happy for us both. I love my brother and would so like to be closer and help in his care but I am not, so I can’t. But I know he is being cared for and supported by his son and daughters and that makes me happy. Family is so important at times like these.To be there, to share our own memories and give him a hug is one of the things I am longing to do. Once we know what I am having to have done, who knows …. perhaps…?

So that part is over, that horrible terrifying year, the worry, the fear, the sadness and anger over for now at least. We have made a pact, we won’t say David is in remission. David has cancer with or without a little ‘c’. We will say, David HAD cancer. Much more positive and necessary.

This past year, as those who have read all of my personal blog, not just the PC stuff, will know, has been horrific, even before the blow cancer dealt us. I have wasted so much of the early days, when I was still in shock from the fear of PC, on other things that became out of my control. I could be very angry at that lost time. Stolen time. I could be angry at everything thrown at me that made me ill when I needed to be strong for David. Angry at allowing myself to be treated so badly. Angry at thinking about stuff when I should have concentrated more on David.So much wasted time. So much anger. So much sadness.

But.

I will use my energy focus on my man. To be with him as I always have been but more present than I was at the beginning of this nasty disease that could have robbed me of the man I love. After this horrid year I need to try once again, as I had promised my late sister, to bring family together. I know one member will have none of it but I must try with others. There is nothing like a potentially life threatening illness and the imminent death of someone you love to make you realise how precious life is and how short it might be.

As other partners will know, everything else has to be put to one-side when the man in our lives has the diagnosis of PC. We push anything else in our lives as far back out of our minds as we can. Trying to give all of our focus and energy to our men. But these ‘things’, ‘issues’ don’t just fade away. They are still there and on bad days, they come like sledgehammers into our ‘now’. Our present, no thought for our hearts and minds being overwhelmed with this nasty disease. Try as we must, we can’t always rid ourselves of these intrusive thoughts, making the nasty that is cancer with a little ‘c’ even worse, if that is possible. When this happened to me, when other ‘stuff’ continued, it got the better of me. Sometimes I would write and the blog would be angry or sad. Yes of course the situation we and our partners are in, brings these emotions of fear, terror, sadness and anger but sometimes the ‘situation’, the before cancer situation is ongoing and it gets in the way. Takes us away from the most import thing. Fighting this disease together. It stops you in your tracks and you just want to scream and shout at the world.

If I have learned anything on this journey its this. It’s okay to shout. It’s okay to scream’ It’s okay to be angry and sometimes it’s’ even forgivable if those emotions are directed at the wrong ‘stuff’ or wrong ‘people’. It’s the silent part of you that needs to let go.Caring, loving and being scared for someone we love is normal. For those of you in the position I refer to ,can I just offer this. Don’t try to be strong. Allow the other ‘stuff’, the before cancer stuff, allow it,let it in. Let it come into your ‘now’. It won’t go away just because you ignore it. Let it in, give it some thought and if you can change things, act on whatever it is, then do that. If not, tell yourself it can wait and put it in the back of your mind, to deal with at a better time.

Me? As I said, I am tired of fighting, especially fights not of my making. I am tired of being made part of a feud that I have no idea of its conception and so can’t put it right. As I said, I am going to put my house in order. I had a long and surprising telephone chat yesterday with someone I haven’t spoken to for many years. We hadn’t fallen out, it is just that this person keeps himself to himself. Part of me envies him that. He made me think, although he admitted to only having one side of everything and wouldn’t take sides and I wouldn’t expect him to.  During the ‘time before cancer’, I was being unfairly ‘assaulted’ from all sides and unfairly judged. I let my guard down. I lost my integrity and retaliated. At that time, I had lost a great deal, and was trying to get my head around David’s ‘could be ‘ cancer issues. I had been very unwell and had another family problem that was very painful. I felt isolated, bullied, betrayed and hurt. Just as I had been as a child. My ‘inner child’ came to the fore and I tried to defend myself. I couldn’t talk to the people concerned personally,as they had made that impossible so Social Media was the only way I had to put my side over and try to defend myself. That was wrong. I have apologised and regret that time more than I can say. I said things in retaliation, as a child would, that I should not have said. But I was hurt and angry. That’s what happens. Once again angry became sad’s bodyguard. I am sorry.

I am not out to win a popularity poll. I don’t want o be anyone’s ‘favourite’, I wouldn’t know how to react to that. But coming to the latter part of my life, after the year from hell, I would like to have family in my life, even if only on the net. I have no arguments with anyone. This now could give us all another chance.

I have bared my soul, spoken from my heart and don’t regret that. Honesty is who I am, how I live. Growing up in a web of lies, I have always had a huge dislike of lies and falsehoods. Perhaps at times I am too honest but that’s who I am. I just think this past year would have been easier with family in my life, that’s all. At times like these, as other partners will understand, having support, love and friendship is so important. We didn’t have that from family. But we got through it, on our own but not without huge love, support and friendship from the PC groups I belong to. I joined for information and gained so much more. Thank you to everyone for your help and support.

Now although I will still blog, I will begin once again, to enjoy my home, here  ‘on the farm’. I can see again the beauty of this place we call home. Enjoy nature and my rescues  and shower my man with every ounce of love I can muster. I know this isn’t the end of this journey but we have reached a place we can relax, enjoy and appreciate our life. Maybe I will begin to write again or finish the book already begun.

Whether I get family back or not, I have to try.

But today, nothing will dull my happiness. I won’t let anyone ‘rain on my parade’.

Tomorrow I will know the extent of my own illness and then onwards and upwards I hope.

So although there is a great deal of reflection in this blog, the overwhelming feeling I have today is relief. I hope all you reading this will understand and take heed of the message about letting go.

See you on FB soon.

Thanks for reading . x

I have often referred to my husband as my rock. He is. He is like a mountain, strong, sometimes unrelenting but I know now, even mountains can loose parts of what makes them strong. Maybe a slither of rock will fall, sometimes huge landslides change the whole of its appearance but it is still a mountain. Still beautiful and mighty and still brings wonder in its new appearance. That’s my David. Solid as a rock, Strong and amazing like a mountain but now slightly different after his own ‘landslides’.

Over most of my life, I was always as strong. I had to be. But over the past few years I have, at times, been like a tiny piece of moss clinging to the rocks, to the mountain. I clung like my life depended on it. It did. I drew strength from David and he says, he drew strength from me. I hadn’t been aware of that until today. Not aware that he needed strength ,that is a revelation. Over this past year we have both been broken by heartache and grief. Me more so than him. He has always been at my side, holding me when I cried, comforting me when I couldn’t take anymore and hugging all my pain away. This past year has brought back fear and sadness. With family betrayals, lies being spread from someone who has had no part in our lives for more than 40 years. Her lies were not questioned because she is an expert. Knows no other way to be, but lie and hurt. Although this nearly brought me to my knees, I have not acted on my feelings. After tomorrow, maybe with hopefully renewed strength, I will. Building bridges perhaps.I had and have more important things now and back then to focus on.

From March onwards the things happening to me personally, had to be pushed aside as much as they could be. David’s cancer scare and then our daughter’s wedding had to take priority. We made a pact, not to focus on the health issues and make her day the best wedding possible. The hurts and pain had already done their damage and on her wedding day, the strength it had taken to try to ignore every attempt to bring me down, was weakened and I was very unwell. But I was there.

From August last year, after the biopsy confirmed cancer, I realised that my rock, my mountain was not as impenetrable as I had thought.  It was time for me to become the rock, the mountain. The strong, unmovable, reliable force and withstand any attempt at being weakened. My turn to be strong for him.

Was it easy? No.

Did I mind? No.

Did I feel strong? No.

After surgery on 23rd February, I watched the man I love, the strong fit active man become someone who at times seemed like a stranger. Not in how he acted towards me but how he was around the house. Not talking very much where we had always chatted a lot. Looking slightly scared and so grey. His skin looked so pale and the frailty after the operation was scary. He lost weight and looked like an older version of the man I love.

David has always looked after me, I have possibly said before. Breakfast in bed for the past 30 years, started because early in our marriage,I was very unwell and just carried on. He did most of the housework for the same reason and always liked to be ‘on the go’. If anything around the house or ‘the farm’ broke, he would fix it.

It was suddenly my turn and yes, it came as a bit of a shock. Yes I gave him breakfast in bed for the five weeks after the operation. I did all the housework, wouldn’t let him lift a finger but because of my own health problems I struggled. But the hardest struggle was that I couldn’t ‘fix’ him. I couldn’t make this better. I had always been the one in the family to kiss and make it better and boy how I needed that skill now. But it was missing. I felt helpless beyond description.

I was angry and still am at times. I was scared, afraid for his future, for our future. But most of all, watching my strong rock so weak and down, I felt a great sadness.

Some days, although David is recovering well, I worry if all the cancer is gone. Some days I can’t let myself do that. But tomorrow, Friday 7th April, we will know.

Do I want to know the results? Not sure. Yes if they are good. No if they are not. I have been so low this week, David is again the strong one, the rock to my moss. I worry that I will fall apart if the results are bad. I know I can’t and most of the time, I tell myself that I won’t. I remind myself of the many times in life, I have felt I wouldn’t cope. That I couldn’t take anymore and have taken more, all of it. So I will this time but that doesn’t stop me being scared.

I know it’s not about me. I know that’s what people who haven’t been in my shoes and the shoes of every other partner of a PC sufferer would say. David has the cancer with a little ‘c’. I don’t. But the whole reason for this blog, is to tell, that it is about me! It affects the man I love. It changed the man I love. Yes he had the surgery and will have anything else he may need but the whole nasty ‘c’ word affects us both. How can it not?

He has changed, we have changed we had no choice. Our whole relationship and dynamics have changed but…. some of this is good. We have also learned to laugh about things and I have used words I would never have used before in this post operation period of PC.

But, I want once again, to shout it from the rooftops, ‘it’s not fair!  I want life before last year. Before the nasties. Before the betrayals. Before PC. I want my man back as my rock, fit and well. I want cancer not to have touched my family, my husband, my brother  but it has.

Tomorrow is another day the song says. I sometimes wish it wouldn’t come but it will. We will make the long drive to Swansea and see ‘the man’. Will it be good news? Will my man need more treatment? Will we cope? I don’t know the answers to the first 2 questions but I know the answer to the 3rd. Yes we will cope. We have to . I have to. We have no choice.

My rock is still as wonderful, if slightly changed. I still admire him more than any man I have ever known, more so now after watching how he has coped. He may be different and I know I have changed but something that hasn’t and won’t, is our love .

Love conquers all they say.  Tomorrow like  today,I will be as scared as I have been on and off this journey I never chose to travel. David is almost gung ho about the results, whilst I am fighting off this huge wave of fear that threatens to engulf me.I will try my hardest to be strong for David and I know his pragmatism will help us both.So Friday, bring it on.We will be ready for you. ( I hope).

Thankyou for reading x

I do try, not to feel it, I mean. Not to think about it. I do try not to keep hankering for the life before PC. Sometimes I even succeed. I went a whole hour yesterday without thinking of this unwanted, uninvited visitor in our lives. It was almost bliss. I call cancer with a little ‘c’, a visitor because it isn’t welcome and is not staying. It can’t. We will fight it with every ounce of our being. Sometimes I succeed. I can appear happy and positive, even smile, and then wallop. Like a slap in the face….Sad returns.

David will say, ‘don’t look so sad. We will be okay”. That’s where I struggle. Our whole life it seems is in turmoil and he says ‘don’t look sad’. I am sad! I scream inside. I am more than sad and why shouldn’t I be? You have cancer. My brother is dying of cancer and I can’t see him. My son is still recovering from paralyses and I am not well. I miss my family in Hampshire, my daughter and grandsons. These are the times we should all be supporting each other but this can’t happen because of past issues and lies. So I am sad! Of course I am sad! I want to shout all of this out loud, to David, to the world. But I don’t. I smile at him and reassure him that I am okay.

I lie and reach for my mask.

Life before we know what we know now, is what I want. What I hanker for. At least, life before 2013, when everything seemed to fall apart. Because thinking about this, our life was not as it should have been back for few years before David’s diagnosis. With a cancer diagnosis, we blame that nasty for everything. We live believing that life before its arrival was wonderful. My memories of the good times, when all of my family were in touch, when I saw Lisa and her boys, before the nasties of the past 3 years, actually wasn’t the reality of life before this prostate cancer. I have been told by my daughter not to mention her, but how can I not? She was a huge part of my life for more than 40 years. She is still my daughter. I lost her in my life because I needed to be honest and not lie for her. Honesty is important to me and so, I thought, to her. This lie was huge and I couldn’t do it. So mentioning her I am and will. I have written about the events leading to the estrangement of my family and so won’t write again about that. But, as ‘family’ now realise that it was the lies from my youngest sister Trisha, who poisoned my daughter’s mind and that of my ‘family’. She, Trisha, even tried writing to my friends on Social media, people she didn’t know but it kicked back at her, because the people she chose had known me all my life and also knew of her. I have tried to make things right with my nieces and hope they will soon get back in touch with me. I have never been able to visit them and tell them my side of the events, to tell them the truth. Yes I ‘lost it’ with my brother months ago because I was hurting and desperate when he said he had to stop contact with me. I have apologized for that but I had a lot on my plate, David’s diagnosis and the issues surrounding Lisa. Tony and I are okay now thank goodness. But they, family, know now what these two people are capable of. When I see ‘family’ stuff on social media I want to shout. ‘I am family. What about me?’ but that never did any good as a child. So I don’t.

So life before PC was not in reality as good as I try to tell myself. So cancer with a little ‘c’ wasn’t the first to cause havoc and pain but is certainly the worst.

On good days I write positive posts on Social media. I try to act like life is good. But actually at this moment in time, life sucks!

On not so good days, like today, my smile slips and the mask disappears and I am here in all my vulnerability, pain and fear. On these days the ‘what ifs’ return in all their nasty glory.

What if it’s spread?

What if David doesn’t make it?

What if Tony dies before I see him?

What if my health condition is serious?

What if either one of us dies??

I begin to think about our mortality, then of your family. My animals, what would happen to them? The sad is now back with a vengeance. The sad, the fear and the helplessness.

I try to tell myself that David is recovering well. Before Friday of this past week, he looked well and was behaving as he used to. He showed no sign of being ill. We will see the consultant on this Friday for the results of his histology post op and his PSA test. I tell myself that all is well because he has recovered. But then I remind myself that this was how I felt before we had the biopsy results. He had never had symptoms, never been ill. He was fit and active and I had no reason to think the biopsy would be anything but negative.

It wasn’t. ‘You have cancer’. 3 little words that turned our world on its head. Life has never been the same since.

So this coming week will be hard. Waiting is always hard and there is a great deal of it with this nasty disease.

On Friday of last week, we went to see his GP as he had a lot of pain in his heel and it had swollen. He has torn his Achilles tendon and is now waiting for an urgent appointment with physio and an orthopedic specialist. He was a little dejected and asked me, ‘What next?’ We didn’t have to wait long. The practice nurse rang to tell him that his blood sugar was raised and they were concerned about him developing early Diabetes! What next? Well now we know!!

I smile though all of this most of the time. I reassured him about the latest health worries and put the smile on my face and after giving him a hug, as much for me as for him, I tried to make light of it all. I again, reach for my mask.

David usually bounces back from anything, if he needed to and so do I. But recently, these past few days, I seem to have lost my bounce. This is not where we envisaged our lives to be now. I know ill-health hits us all but not all at the same time. I feel ashamed to say, I am feeling more vulnerable now than at the beginning. I have read on social media of others, partners who are finding it all just too much. I feel for them. Yes, sometimes life’s blows are too much.

Since coming to West Wales, in 2010, life has not been so good. Family ‘stuff’, health issues and the like have taken their toll. I watch my beloved husband and sometimes see him, just sitting. Either out on the verandah, or in the conservatory and looking, yes, sad. I ask if he is okay and he always says the same thing. He will reach for me and we will cuddle. ‘As long as we are together, Yes, I am okay’. It breaks my heart. I am letting him down by allowing myself these feelings. Letting him down by pretending all is well with me when inside I am falling apart. Sad doesn’t cut it. It is much bigger than sad. Am I still angry? Haven’t got the energy for that emotion today but need to get it back. Anger is my friend. I do things I need to do when angry. Angry is my bodyguard. Sometimes a useful emotion. But today the energy for that is not here.

David said last week, that he felt almost normal again. What is normal? I don’t know anymore. I can’t remember. I am happy he is doing well, in spite of the latest setbacks, he will be fine, I know. I smile, encourage him and lie like the proverbial and say I am okay. I paint on my smile, I keep it here for as long as I can. Try not to let it slip. I tell clients, it’s okay to cry. You don’t have to be strong all the time. But that’s for them. But I do. I have to be strong. Who says so? I do and always have. I can ‘pretend’, I did this throughout my painful childhood. Sometimes as a young mum. Put on a smile while my heart was breaking. I am well-practiced.

But sometimes, like now, whilst writing this blog, my mask slips and the tears are very close.

So when you see a smiling face. When someone says ‘I’m okay’. Sometimes they are not. In past blogs I have tried to give others permission to have these feelings. To be scared, afraid, helpless, angry and yes sad. So maybe some of my own advice??

Thanks for reading. x

The first 40 or so years of my life, I lived with fear as my constant companion. As a child, I was afraid of my abuser, afraid of the abuse. I was afraid of the woman they called my mother. I was afraid of the loneliness I felt. Fear was huge and always present. I was afraid of life itself.

As a young mum I was afraid of getting it wrong. Afraid of making mistakes. Afraid for my children and that made me possessive of them especially around men. I was afraid for my daughters’ futures and scared for the plight of my son, who was taken from me when I was ill , and adopted. So fear played a huge part in my life.

When I met David, the fear disappeared. I felt safe. Loved. Happy, free from the demons of the past and safe in my little family. I wrote my life story which became a bestseller, wanting to inspire other sufferers, also laying ghosts if you like, from readers messages, it helped many victims and the fear was a thing of the past.

In 2012,I knew what fear was, once again, when entrenched in a nasty 6 month hoax by a troll. All the fears from the past came flooding back and I felt like a frightened child again. Then family ‘stuff’. These past 3 years have left me reeling. Abuse and bullying from family was the start. Fighting for my professional career was next. Then the biggest of all, my wonderful man, my rock, was diagnosed with prostate cancer. My world fell apart. I have written about this in past blogs. About how terrified I was, scared, overwhelmed and felt very much alone and helpless.

This past week, I have read many posts of social media, from wives and girlfriends, some from men themselves; all telling of this horrid thing called fear. Some are newly diagnosed, some are in the middle of treatment, some even say they can’t take anymore. I ditto the above at times. PC not only affects our men but spreads its evil, yes I use a strong word but that’s how I feel. It spreads into the very core of our being. We feel emotions some of us never knew we had. We become angry. We question the justice in this illness. But most of all we feel fear. Everyone of us at some time will be scared and it doesn’t stop there. At first we are in shock. The ‘why us’, the ‘it can’t be true’, the ‘how could this happen?’, come rushing into our mind sometimes stealing our sanity. If like me you are not a tearful person, you may have been more than surprised when you suddenly break down into uncontrollable sobbing. I have cried more these past months than ever in my life. Having taught myself as a child that crying only gets you a telling off or more of the kind of ‘love’ you don’t want. It was many years before last year, that I hadn’t really cried. Even now, fear of what the future may bring scares the hell out of me. Yes, I know that ‘Fear’ and understand where my fellow travelers on this journey none of us signed up for, are coming from.

I have tried commenting on new posts, try to encourage, give hope and strength to those struggling, as I sometimes do. At the time of writing these comments, it helps me in a way. ‘Whistle a happy tune’ comes to mind. I know how you can feel the only one who feels this way. I know how guilty you feel and how the need to apologise for your posts, some of the group feels necessary. I have done this myself said sorry for something I have written. It is never needed. There is never a need to say sorry for venting your feelings and most of all your fears. I don’t know if my comments help but as long as they don’t hurt anyone, I will probably continue to try my best.

But.

Fear, the ‘f’ word, steals today. While we are feeling afraid , mostly of the unknown, mostly for the future, we allow fear to determine our present. It can stop us living life to the full. Stop us enjoying anything, having fun, just living a normal life. It can intimidate us. Make us think too hard. Most of all it can steal the very emotion we need to survive. Love. We all need to be loved and need to love our partners. We need to let the ‘fear’ word know, in no uncertain terms that it won’t win! It won’t control us! Fear is just a word. Yes it is a strong emotion and can undermine our very existence….if we let it. But ultimately, it is only a thought about the future, something we can’t control so we need to put it where it belongs when we can. Out of our heads. Easier said than done, I know I fight it every day.

When the emotions around our partners diagnosis hits us, we often feel totally alone. I did. It was suggested by the clinical team that I researched all I could. I did this but tried to do it in one hit. Big mistake! I became overwhelmed by the amount of information on the net. I decided , as I have always believed, that the best people to ‘talk’ to are those going through the same or having gone through the same. Hence my joining the support groups on social media. The help, support and information has been incredible and so helpful. Now its my turn to try to do the same. In my professional role, I find giving the client permission for the feelings and emotions they have, is one of the best tools I can use. We need to be told its okay. We need to be encouraged to explore our feelings. Be allowed to shout, swear, scream and vent.We need permission above all else and then acknowledgement. In my own small way, I want to give every one suffering from this awful destructive disease, whether the sufferer or the partner, permission to feel the fear, permission to feel anger. Sadness. injustice. Just to say it’s okay to be afraid. But don’t let cancer with a little ‘c’, be overtaken by the next worst word in our journey, the ‘f’ word. Fear. And then to acknowledge how hard it is to have a normal life during abnormal times. But we can try. Pushing the fear of tomorrow away until needed, if ever, and try and live one day at a time, is a start. 

Things will change. Hopefully they will improve, get better but what they won’t do is stay exactly as they are currently. Solace? Not sure but true.

Days like today, Mothers Day, I find very hard every year but this year much harder. Lovely sunny weather, flowers beginning to bloom and trees beginning to come back to life are all beautiful things in my life today. But I am scared, fearful to feel happy, there it is again, the ‘f’ word. Because lurking in the shadows, waiting to push itself back into my mind and steal any enjoyment I am feeling , is the reality of our situation. I can’t let it in every time it pushes. I can’t let it steal my time with my family especially my time with my rock, David. I just can’t. Yes it takes every ounce of strength. I am whistling that happy tune and fooling everyone… but not, as the song says, ‘fooling myself’. But we owe it to ourselves to fight this fear. We owe it to our partners to fight. Together we can do this. I know we can. We have no choice. But let’s not make it about choice. Let’s make it about love. Love for our partners. Love for each other. Love for life itself. And love for us, ourselves. We can be as scared as we choose, we can worry our present away but it won’t affect our future. It won’t change anything. So let’s not do that.

I hope you all had a peaceful Sunday whatever you did and how ever you celebrated or didn’t. Thankyou for reading. x