Well here we are at the end of another year. One year older, one year wiser? Not sure about that. But with the end of this year I know I am not the same person I was at the beginning.
2025 began with me recovering from the worst 4 years of my adult life. The worst of the 40 years spent with my beloved David.
We had lived in wonderful Wales for more than half of our life together, very happily. 14 years in Monmouthshire and 12 years in Ceredigion. We never intended to leave England but the MOD had other plans and because we had the ponies, David going to Bristol meant moving across the water to Wales was the obvious answer to this dilemma. I didn’t want it, we didn’t want it but my, how it changed our lives. For the better. We could never have dreamed our life could be as happy or as good.
Living in Monmouth we renovated an old cottage and loved every minute. We began our life in earnest with more ponies, dogs and cats. It was wonderful. A few issues with family but not serious. I went back ypo college and eventually took a degree and gained a Masters in CBT Counselling and began my own practice. A career I loved.
When David retired we decided to go mortgage free and move to West Wales, where we bought an old farmhouse, a big house with a few acres of grazing and beautiful lakes and ponds. Our ‘farm’. I would pinch myself some days not believing I could ever have been so happy.Surrounded by hills, and fields and watching our growing brood of ponies growing and grazing in our paddocks, right outside of our home.
Life was amazing for 12 years, apart from ill health and again, family issues, people intent on trying to ruin our happy place. Even though family again caused us so much pain, trying to ruin me and destroy our happy life. They failed. Our pony, horsey family increased. We found ourselves the boarding home of a pair of Canada geese, Gordon and Gloria who came every year, had their brood and once fully grown, left again only to return the next year. Our ponds were the home for around 30 Mallards who frequented the barn at feeding time and shared our lovely home. Life was blissful.
After the horrors of the pandemic, life changed. David and I seemed to have been shut out of our lovely family life. Never knew how or why but it happened and destroyed something precious in both of us. We had lost all of our ponies, then Ellie Mae my little girl Shih Tzu and both of my lovely cats, Boukie and Luther. Only Cody remained. It was the worst time of my life, we found ourselves on our own, empty fields, and paddocks, empty ponds the geese did not return and the ducks were very few. My family were not around and memories of the wonderful times echoed as though they had never happened. I was in shock. David was heartbroken , we then lost Cody and my heartbroke over and over again. We were lost.I had a breakdown and the only way out of the emptiness we both felt, seemed to be to move back to where life for us both had begun and to ‘family’ we believed would love us. How wrong we were. We know now we were running away but you can’t run from heartache, it goes with you and you can’t shake it off or replace what was lost.
The following few years found us wavering in disbelief and sadness. Life was not good and Hampshire we realised was not our home. After a very short time we began looking to move back to Wales, Home.
Those Christmas’s in Hampshire were sad and lonely and this year we wanted to make sure happy was part of our vocabulary. And it was and is.
After 2 years of trying we eventually sold the Hampshire house and found a beautiful 200 year old cottage back in West Wales where we now live. Happy? Oh yes, blissfully happy again. Not the same happiness but so grateful for all that Wales has given us over the 26 years we have lived here. Wales is home and we don’t intend to ever leave.
So life now will be good, I am determined that whatever time David and I have left, worry will go out of the window. That sadness won’t get a look in. That the only people we both really need to consider is each other.
Yes we have our youngest down the road and that is a happy bonus, was not intentional. They came to us for Christmas and we went to them for Boxing day and it was really lovely. But they have their life and we are getting on with ours.
So after many years of worrying about others, of trying my hardest to bring my family back to together. To look after my siblings family and reunite them, I am done! Now David is my first priority. Marie and Jason are important but they have their own lives. I cannot fulfill promises to my sister Georgina or my Brother Tony, and bring the family together because the ‘family’ don’t want to know.
And do you know what!? That’s just fine.
I have wasted so many years thing of them, now before it’s too late, I need to concentrate on my husband and my home and yes… me.
So good bye not only to 2025 but to the years before that I wasted being ill, being sad, and being sorry for failing to fulfill other people’s dreams.
I was told this year by my nephew Steve, that although I had believed family had loved me, they hadn’t. They pretended, lied, took from me and bad mouthed me all the time professing to love me. Again, do I care? No.
Life is good. I have a wonderful man loving me. A daughter and son in law loving me and my eldest grandson loving me. And also, as a huge bonus I have a great grandson who will know me and love me I hope. Welcome Ryan Paul to our loving family I will look out for you as long as I am here.
So let us all look forward to the New Year with love, gratitude and care for each other and let those who cause us pain, drift into the oblivion of the past.
As some of you will know, my childhood, on a personal level, was not good. But as a family, we were seen as a good family. A close family. Which I suppose in some ways we were. There were five of us children, the woman they called my ‘mother’ and my lovely patient and gentle ‘Dad’ William. But we had a huge family outside of us. Aunt’s Nan’s, great aunts and many 2nd cousins. Christmas’s and birthdays were always full of people, gatherings in the local church hall or at my Great Aunt Rose’s house. We shared weddings, christenings, 21st and 18th birthday parties and always had a huge number of people at all of these. Family.Every Sunday we would have a house full. Happy times. A sad times, deaths etc. we all pulled together. But not now.
I have a huge family from my siblings. Nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews but see or hear from only a very few. Sad. Many have been told lies, lies told to hurt me and alienate me from them. Lies told to my eldest daughter to do the same and it worked. I have never had the chance to tell my side. The truth.
I believe that this is what is wrong with the world today. On a larger scale, the family of Mankind has lost it’s way. Every country seems to want what other countries have and try and take it. The leaders convince their neighbours to be against others, alienating them against the ‘enemy’. And so we have many many wars. The world belongs to everyone and if only the leaders remembered that, we might have peace.But. People don’t communicate. Don’t talk about things. So that results in war, estrangement, bad patterns continuing and people getting hurt.
This begins at home.
So back to my blog. When I was growing up, the woman they called my mother would fall out with me often. There was no love from her to me for reasons I discovered as a 17 year old but that’s another story. On bad days, if she was cross, angry with me for no reason most of the time, except that I had ‘ruined ‘ her life by being born, she would stop talking to me. Later when we had all left home, if she wasn’t seeing me then no other member of the family could see me or talk to me. Not their choice but how she controlled them. This made for some very difficult times. When my brother got married, she wasn’t talking to me so I couldn’t go to his wedding. When my sister in law was dying, I couldn’t visit her and so on and so on.She continued after I was married and tried hard to influence or control my first daughter but I wouldn’t let her and this led to us falling out, many times.
She would fall out with my Nan, my Dad’s mum, once for 2 years, and forbid anyone of us to see her. My Dad and I did and she never found out. But it should not have been necessary for this ‘secrecy. None of my siblings liked the way she behaved.Dividing us, her children, controlling us and making us choose sides. Unforgivable. This was not love.
Because of this, I made very sure my children grew up to be able to see any of my relatives they chose to see, even the ‘woman the called my mother’. I would never let my feelings affect how they felt towards a person. If I fell out with family, not sure I can remember this happening, except with the youngest, Patricia who dropped out of my life for more than 40 years. I would have encouraged both of my daughters to stay in touch with any family that they wanted to. If I had a falling out, it would have been between them and me. When my eldest shut me out a while ago, she was in touch with my youngest and I would never have discouraged that.That is what a good Mum should do. This is what love is.
But I obviously failed where my eldest daughter is concerned.I have many letters here, letters of love. Thoughtful, caring letters and cards from her to me. I will always keep them.Because no matter what she does, I am her Mum and will always love the child she was.
I have 3 grandchildren, and now a new great grandchild. I love them all as I do my children, all of them. I had wanted to break this cycle of estrangement but over the years, if I fell out with my eldest daughter, she would make sure I didn’t see or have contact with my grandchildren.Alienating them against me with lies that I had no way of disputing to them. I have missed so much of their lives. I have messages from my youngest grandson that say I was ‘an awesome Nan’. I so wish I could see him now as a young man. But he is fiercely loyal to his mother, a misplaced loyalty that was one sided, that should never be necessary or wanted, he has never had the opportunity to know the truth, but he will. I have made sure he will. I have a granddaughter who I know could have enjoyed many happy times with me but never had the chance. She too, will in time know how much I wanted her and to be part of her life.My eldest grandson is in touch with me and I hope to visit very soon and see my new great grandson and give him a hug.
I am almost 80 years of age and don’t have time for all this nonsense. If you fall out with someone, you should not influence others to do the same. If more people valued family, valued what the older generation can give to the younger, life would be so much richer. No one has the right to alienate anyone against anyone. Ever.
I can’t do anything about the state of the world, the disagreements, the wars, the fighting etc. across so many countries.
But I will try in my ‘own backyard’ as they say.
So this estrangement, alienation needs to stop and I will do my very best to stop it. I have to. Family is family and we should all look out for each other. The world currently is a scary place. So many wars. So much heartache. Family needs to be close, safe and full of love. I will do what my eldest sister asked me to do, just one more time and try to bring my family back together.
It is a long time since I wrote a blog but today need to offload feelings I have and that need airing.
Those of you who have read my book, will know how my ‘mother’ manipulated almost everyone she knew. She was unkind, cruel, selfish and made my life as a child, painful to say the least and as and as an adult, lonely and isolated from family.She would play the game, ‘if ‘she (meaning me)’ is going to be there, then I won’t be.’ My brother’s wedding, an aunt’s funeral, my Nan’s funeral. Weddings, visiting people in hospital etc. Which always led me to saying that I would stay away. I wouldn’t say I would attend, for her to cause trouble so I missed out on many family gatherings. If she had fallen out with me, no one in the family would be able to speak to me or see me.
In my growing up, she kept my Dad from seeing his own Mum. He used too ‘sneak’ round to see her as did my brother and myself. Why? Because she had fallen out with her mother in-law. My Nan .
After my mother died, I thought life would be easier but her favourite, my youngest sister, continued with this nasty trend.Preventing me from going to my sister’s wake, my brother’s wedding, his house etc. In fact, every way my mother could hurt me, after her death, my youngest sister continued this. After 40 plus years being out of our lives, she came blustering in, told horrific lies to my middle sister and my eldest daughter. Alienating them both from . Neither gave me the chance to tell it as it really was. Sadly my middle sister June, died thinking I did not love her and had told awful lies about her. She could not read or write and my youngest sister made up a letter saying it was from me and read it to her.
Trisha, my youngest sister, befriended my daughter and between them they alianted family who had begun talking to me, with lies. They wrote to my publisher telling horrendous lies and losing me my publishing contract. They wrote things about me on Social media as some of you have read, all untrue. My youngest sister Trisha, died recently and I thought all the lies, the need for ‘pretence’, taking sides etc would stop. But no, the toxic culture of controlling those who have been the brunt of alienation, continues.
I am not a saint, I am not perfect but the one thing I am is honest. I grew up in a web of lies and will not tolerate lies in my family. I don’t care how bad things are, I will always want the truth.
When my eldest became a mother, I was there when my first grandson was born. Not in the labour ward where we wanted me to be because things didn’t go to plan, but outside in the corridor. His dad brought him out to me when he was a few minutes old. My heart melted. I have loved him all of his life. But. When things happened and my daughter shut me out, she also prevented contact between him and myself. I missed so much of his childhood, of his brother;’s childhood. because the truth was always important to me and it wasn’t to my daughter.
Over the years, she has been in and out of my life and every time she shut me out, she made him do the same. This is so very wrong.I always took her back, gave her another chance but this time she has gone too far.
Many times in my life I have stood back, stayed away, kept out of someone’s life because of my Mother, my sister or my daughter. This is so cruel. If you fall out with someone, that is your issue no one else’s and you should never try and alienate another person against the one you have fallen out with.That is not fair on them. That is not loving them.
But this time, no matter what , it won’t work. I am an elderly lady now, nearing my last years if I am lucky and I will not be shut out again! I just won’t. I will have contact with those I love and no one will stop me. They have no right. Yes she is his mother and I am her mother but neither has the right to do this. It is just wrong.
My mother manipulated those I love. Kept them from me. Shut me out of their lives using blackmail on them.’If she is there, I won’t be’ and most times they had no choice but take her side.
That ends now. That ends today. I am breaking this horrible toxic legacy. I will see anyone I choose. I will love anyone I choose. My life is too short now not to.I will not tolerate lies. I will be no part of lies. I am me and deserve to be treated with love and respect. Took me far too many years to see this but have done now.
Those I love need truth, openness, honesty and love. I for one will make sure they do.
This past week has taught me that however we treat others, whatever we do for them, whatever they do to us, will always be interpreted in the way that suits them at that time.
Since my children were born, I have kept some things in memory boxes. Even for my son who did not grow up with me, he now has everything I have kept since he was born, photos poems, letters, a teddy and a locket that I wore since that day, with his photo in.Memories about his father in case he wants them. He has all of this now and oneday might even be happy that I kept the things in the box.
My eldest daughter of whom I have written in my blog, had given me some of the happiest memories, up until that time in my life when she was born, me as her Mum , her as my blessing. I have saved so much, photos, momentoes, her baby book, her first teddy, her school reports. Cards and letters from her and so many of the things that I thought would mean something in years to come.All in her memory box along with little trinkets she saved as a little girl.
We are moving away soon as some of you know, going back to Wales. Coming back to Hampshire was a mistake, we realise that now. People told me that, warned me against trusting her but gave her a chance and us a chance of having her and my grandchildren as part of our lives. Something we had so missed out on over the years. We were missing Wales so much but felt it worth it to have family back. But hearing things from mutual friends that she had told them was awkward, hurtful and embarrassing, so I asked her if she had believed all the lies she had been spreading about me, back beginning in 2016 and was sorry for all the pain she had caused. She wrote and said, she did believe them and was not sorry for the hurt she had caused. She did not want to discuss that and shut us out of her life.
Some would say if asked before last week, ‘don’t give her the box’ but it was kept for her and I always said I would give it to her.
Last Monday we drove round to her house and my husband took the box to her door and placed it on the doorstep. She was at home and part of me hoped she would come to the door and I would have made myself get out of the car and go over but she didn’t. I am very unwell, as some of you know but I would have somehow gone over to her. Hopeful? Maybe.So we drove away.
We didn’t hear anything and I just hoped she had opened the box and read the letter, a very honest, painful letter about how I was feeling and explaining to her that even after everything she had put me through over the years, I still loved her. I didn’t like her or what she had done but I did still love her. I reminded her of the things she had done that I would not have tolerated or forgiven, if anyone else had done them, but how time after time, I forgave her. Took her back even though friends and family told me not to. That’s what a good Mum does isn’t it?I had believed, that was unconditional love. But apparently, I was wrong and have never shown her that.
One of the worst things, was the lies she spread all over social media, to my friends and other family and to my Publisher, that lost me my Literary contract, something I could have taken her to court for, but didn’t. Why? Because she is my daughter.
A couple of days ago, her husband came round , he didn’t knock the door and left the Memory box on the doorstep. ‘Like your husband did?’ you might say. Yes but we have nothing against him, he and I and my husband, always got on well so he could have knocked and we would have answered and been civil and he would know that. But. He left the box and drove away.He said, he ‘just did as he was told’.
Then the pain, the hurt that I never want to feel again. I opened the box and there was a ‘note’ addressed ‘Carol’. Not Mum. Carol. I couldn’t believe she could be so cruel.It reminded me so much of things my ‘mother’ would have done. Those who have followed my story, read my books will understand that statement. I was mortified. The note was full of lies and accusations but mostly accusing me of not ever having shown unconditional love, never showing that throughout her life. Accusations of hurting my grandchildren, when she has made it impossible for me to have any contact with them. Accusing me of writing things about her, here, that upset them and things that are harmful to them. I have always tried to stay in touch with my eldest grandson and have done, until a year ago when she made it impossible for him to have contact.Everything she has done to me over the years, the pain, the hurt, the lies the stealing, I am supposed to just forget and never speak of it again.
When someone does something to hurt you and you don’t know why, it is human nature to ask why isn’t it? You can’t be expected to just forget it, act like it never happened. You need to know why, so that you can make sure you never repeat whatever it was. You can only learn from it if you know what ‘it’ was.You need to talk about it, say sorry if were wrong and move on.Otherwise it will always be there, in the way of any worthwhile relationship, in your memory of the consequences of whatever caused it.
If someone stabs you, you hurt, you bleed. The wound can be deep and leave scarring. The pain and memory of that injury can last for ever. When the memory surfaces, you are back there feeling the pain an suffering the trauma. Noone says, ‘forget it, it’s in the past. The scar is a constant reminder of the pain, fear and hurt.
It’s the same with betrayal, family inflicting harm on you , only worse because it was family. I needed to know why. I needed to know what made her believe such obvious lies, even when she was shown,given the truth. What made her act the way she did, hurt me the way she did, but she wouldn’t discuss it. Guilt? Shame? Don’t know and never will.
Why am I writing this? Because it is the only way I have of offloading. Thanks to my daughter and my youngest sister, family are now estranged and so, she has done what she wanted and left me on my own. Alone at a time in my life when that can be scary. Thankfully I have an amazing husband but don’t want to inflict my pain on him…again. Writing down your fears, worries confusion is something I always encouraged clients to do. Write it all down, read it back and keep it until your feelings change and things get better.In my case, they won’t. I am an elderly lady now and so my time is limited. We were talking earlier, David and I about the future and how we are now doing things ‘for the last time’. The last phase of our lives. I have always tried to do right by people, family etc but have they always done right by me? No. Mostly my daughter. So here I am doing what is right for me.
Sorry if you find it ‘upsetting’ not ‘right’ talking about family in this way. But has any of my family thought of my feelings when they have written on SM. told other people their lies? No? Has my daughter done right by me? No .
When someone does evil things to you and then blames you, that doesn’t make it right. It is far worse when that someone is a family member and I have suffered at the hands of family, as much as I am willing to and am now fighting back!
My real upset is, I just wish she had actually opened the box and found her hospital tag from all those years ago, the lock of hair that I had kept carefully for so long. Her first photos, her first book and toy. Her recorder from school, little keepsakes that she collected as a little girl. Poems I had written for her ‘My Blessing’ amongst them. I just wish she had taken the trouble to look inside and find the treasures I had kept carefully for her for over 50 years. But she didn’t. She chose to send it back, knowing how that would hurt me. She just picked up on the fact that I had written about the pain she had caused me over the years in my goodbye letter to her.If she had read on……… But she didn’t. Her feelings towards me, her Mum, are clear and I have to accept that.
I now have the Memory box that I have filled for all of her life. What I will do with it I am not sure but for today, it sits on my desk and I try hard to remember the little girl who loved her Mum so very much. My Blessing.
This post is for my family. Each of them. I have always felt it important to know where you come from. It is also important to be aware of health issues within the family that could be hereditary. I suppose these things are important to me, because at the age of 17, I realised my whole life had been a lie. It was shock and left me feeling lost and different from my siblings. To hear that William, my mother’s husband, our ‘dad’, was not actually my Dad, shook me to the core.So here I am , telling my family of their heritage. They don’t have to read it but if they have questions, I am the only one left now, the only one who can give them the answers and I hope they know, I will always tell them the truth. That has often been my downfall.
My siblings have all died in the past 10 years, the last of my sisters, Patricia, died on 11th September 2024. There is only me now, only me who can answer questions from my nieces and nephews, only me who can tell them of their relatives, their parentage. Tell them of my family, their family. Where each of them came from.
I will include references to blogs I have written about my sister June and my brother Tony.
So here goes.
Our mother Rosina Ellen Maud Bishop was born a Cooke, on the 8th of May 1916. She was an only child. Her mother Maud moved into the home of our great Aunt Rose French,in Tipner Portsmouth after my mother’s father went missing in action during the first world War. Aunt Rose had 9 children all of whom I knew until their deaths. My mother married Dad, William in 1935. He was an only surviving child of Amy Bishop from cornwall, his older brother, George, had been killed in an electrical accident on his 21st birthday. They had Georgina in 1937, June in 1939. Tony was born in 1944, then I was born, out of wedlock as they say, the result of an affair with William Musselwhite, while William was away fighting in the Second World War. 1945.Something my mother never forgave me for!! Rosina, lost a baby girl, stillborn, in around 1950 and had Patricia in 1953.Another stillborn baby boy in around 1956.
William died in 1985 from a heart attack during surgery for ulcers, at Haslar hospital. He had 10 Coronary episodes in 10 years, suffered ulcerated legs and although in great pain always managed a smile when I saw him.He was 77 years old.My mother died on the Isle of Sheppey in 2003 from a Pulmonary Embolism. She had reasonably good health and died at the age of 87.
As a family, we moved around a lot in the Bridgemary Gosport area. Life was not always good, especially for me but I have already written my story in my book, I DID TELL I DID under pseudonym Cassie Harte. My eldest 2 sisters spent a long while, at a residential home in Horsham Sussex, called Wedges Camp. It was for children who had suffered during the war years. They hated it there I know that. Georgina always had a hacking cough, for the whole of her life. Leaving her lungs quite weak. We would often be left with Georgina whilst our mother was out and she would read us stories. Happy times. Georgina worked at Gosport Memorial Hospital. She married David Neller from Petersfield, I was chief bridesmaid and it was a lovely wedding.After they married they lived until his death and for the rest of Georgina’s life, in a house that had belonged to David’s family for many years. They had 2 sons, Paul and Robert who still live in the family home in Froxfield. Georgina went on to develop breast and lung cancer and sadly died in 2014, in a hospice. I was in touch with her right up to the evening before her death. I am still in touch with her sons.
My sister June and I were very close as we grew into young women. June worked as a seamstress for a clothing factory. In a local laundry and then at Gosport Memorial Hospital with Georgina. We saw a lot of each other and against my mother’s wishes, I stayed in touch with June when she left home to marry Tony Slaymaker. They had a little girl Angela who sadly died of pneumonia when just a few months old. June and I were with her at the end and she allowed me to place a little gold crucifix around her tiny neck, it had been blessed at my confirmation. They had lived in Old Road Gosport but moved to Bridgemary soon after Angela’s death. June went on to have Simon and then Tina, now known as Samantha,who is my God daughter, then Wendy. June suffered a few Gynaecological problems as a young woman, having surgery in Gosport hospital at least twice.I was always in touch with Simon even after his moving to Canada but this came to an end for reasons only he and I know. After June’s husband Tony died from a complication of his diabetes, something his Mother had suffered before him. She met and married Keith and they moved into Fareham, where sadly June died in 2020 and Keith still lives there. When June was born, she developed Meningitis, twice and almost died. This left her a little different from her peers. Reading was difficult and some academical subject’s very hard for her but she was artistic, clever and a very good baker. June was kind, but gullible and some people including her youngest sister, took great advantage of that. Being with her, at times, was like being with an adult size child, with all the wonder that children have. It was a privilege to be part of her life. June and I were very close as we grew older, she died from heart issues and had suffered cancer of the uterus and lung cancer.My memories of June are many, funny, beautiful and heart warming. She holidayed with us in our cottage in Monmouth, for a few weeks, weeks I will never forget.She was very special and I loved her.https://wordpress.com/post/carolannwright.blog/8668
Then there was Tony. Tony was born February 3rd 1944. There were only 18 months between us and we grew up very close or as close as we were allowed to be. We both went to school in Bridgemary. Tony had Asthma all of his childhood and every time he was ill, I was so scared. He was my ally, my friend and I loved him so very much. We did a lot of things together, Woodcraft, etc. As he grew into a young man, I was worried he would leave home but at first, he worked for men’s outfitters in Southsea and for short time at the Landport Drapery store in Portsmouth. He then joined the royal Marines. We, Dad and I didn’t think he would get accepted because of his Asthma, but he did and the Royal Marines somehow made a man of him and the Asthma all but disappeared for those years. He had TB whilst in the Marines and spent many months in Haslar hospital, where I would visit and take the patients, fancy cakes etc. He married his first wife Linda lovely girl,in 1965, they had 2 sons but sadly Lin died when her youngest was a few months old, from Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Tony remarried another Linda and they went on to have 2 daughters, Tina and Alison. Tony’s second son Scott was raised by his first wife’s sister Jean. Tony sadly lost his fight against Lung cancer in 2018, breaking my heart.https://wordpress.com/post/carolannwright.blog/8016
My youngest sister Patricia, known as Trish for most of her life, was a tearaway and caused her parents many sleepless nights. Unlike the others, she was the most important person in her life. She was spoilt by my parents, our Dad adored her and she broke his heart many times. As a child I loved her dearly. As she grew up we grew apart. She left home many times in her teens, being brought home on several occasions by the local police. When I discovered she was pregnant at 14, and helped her tell her parents, our parents, we became close and she spent a lot of time with me. After the birth of her first son Brian, who was adopted, I had been to see them in Winchester Hospital,she came to live with me and my first husband Terry, on and off for many months. Then we lost touch again, nobody ever knew why. She would say there was a reason and I knew what that reason was. I didn’t and still don’t. Now I never will and that’s okay because I know I have never done anything to hurt any of my family so not sure why she chose this path. A waste of what should have been a close sister relationship. She married Micky Crooke who was the local telegram boy and they had a son Matthew. She did not suffer health issues that I knew of, until the smoking became a problem and I believe she developed COPD or so I have been told. We were estranged for over 40 years, her choice and so knew nothing about each other’s lives. I know she took our Mother to live with her and her 2nd husband husband Brian, on the Isle of Sheppey, where in phone-calls between our mother and myself, she would cry and say how unhappy she was. But Mum played games and I am sure she was doing this, just to upset me and that in truth,she was very happy with her youngest daughter. They were very much alike. I was still in touch with my mother and visited her on Sheppey and in hospital before she died. I have written about the complicated ‘relationship ‘ with my youngest sister here.https://wordpress.com/post/carolannwright.blog/9687
I have limited time here now. I am 78 years old and have poor health.I also have Asthma, well controlled. I suffer from FND, a legacy of my childhood apparently. I think it important that we know our heritage, health issues that might affect those who come after us. If there is anything my nieces and nephews want to know about their family, I am the only one left who can tell them. I don’t know why I have been estranged from those I love. I have tried very hard over the years to remain in touch with those in Canada and those here in Hampshire.When I have been able, I have been there for them, helped them when I could and always been honest and caring in my relationships. For their own reasons, and the lies of others, with no regress from me, I can do no more but give that information here. While I am still able.
So. I am here. I am willing to talk to any family member if they want or need to know anything of their past relatives.But they need to do that now.
Today I choose to blog because my head is full of all kinds of emotions, muddled feelings, confused thoughts and I need to process them. Feeling sad but angry, because I shouldn’t be sad. Ashamed that I can’t grieve, how can I? So please, only read if you want honesty, openness and raw emotion.
I have reached a time on my life when I want, no crave, peace. These past years have been anything but peaceful. Pain, loss, betrayal, hurt and disappointment.I have written on here about some of this, about those who have chosen to hurt me, lie about me and cause me unimaginable pain.
I am by no means perfect but I don’t lie. I don’t try and hurt people even when they have hurt me. I don’t try and ruin a person’s reputation or destroy anything that means something to others.
When a family member dies, you should feel sad. You should feel unhappy at their loss.You should think you will miss them and their love. But what if you can’t feel any of this? What if there wasn’t any love? How can you miss something you never had?
I have spent my life loving those around me, sometimes from afar. Being honest and that has cost me dearly. Keeping in touch with family, here and in Canada.Thinking of others and how they feel , forgetting my own welfare or feelings. Caring about them and letting them know that I care.
Today that has to stop.I need to write this.
On Wednesday 11th September, I was told that my youngest sister Patricia had died. Was I shocked? Yes because I suppose I thought she would outlive me. But I was surprised at my confused feelings.
Was I sad? Was I happy? Was I wanting to cry? Wanting to shout with relief that now I was safe? Safe from the vitriol of her tongue,her horrendous lies? Safe from any more hurt or damage she could inflict on me or those I love. I don’t know. Just don’t know!
I suppose, over the years of her hurting me, I had hoped that one day the little sister I had loved would materialise. That the young school girl I found looking scared out of her wits at Gosport ferry, aged just 14,scared that she had to face her Mother, our mother. The girl I took to see a doctor only to be told that at 14, she was pregnant and then have to go and tell our mother. The mother who had a few months earlier thrown me out because I didn’t marry someone she thought suitable.The Mother, who for some unknown impossible reason, shouted at me when I told her my sister’s predicament, like it was my fault! The little girl I visited when she was ‘shipped away’ into the country to give birth because of my Mother’s shame. The little girl who I visited in hospital when she had her first son, who was adopted, the only person who was there for her and with whom she came to live for weeks, following the birth. The young girl I rescued from bad relationships when she had got herself in with the wrong crowd again.When we were so close and I loved being her older sis. I suppose, I had, in the back of my mind, thought maybe she would one day come back.But I was so wrong. This same young girl went on to cause me so much pain that it is hard to believe.
I don’t think that is the reason for my confused thoughts, not really , how could it be when she caused unforgivable pain and hurt over the years for me, my family and my brother Tony.
When Dad was dying and he hadn’t seen Patricia for many months, in spite of her being asked to visit,I asked him if he wanted to see her, she often stayed away from our parents for years at a time, he said he didn’t. “if she can’t be here for be when I am alive, I don’t want her to be here when I die”. So I didn’t contact her.After he died, I went against my mother’s decision and went and told my sister that Dad was dead. She screamed, hit me and then sobbed in my arms. Mum had said she wasn’t to come to the funeral but I went against her and said she could come. I was quite ‘close’ to my mother at this time, because it suited her ,so this was accepted. Once she was back in the fold, I was, again shut out. I had promised Dad I would scatter his ashes from the lighthouse where he grew up in Cornwall, all arrangements had been made. When I went to collect the ashes, I found my sister had already taken them. She and mum then closed me out and I don’t to this day know where dad is resting. Again, cruel and unkind.
I shouldn’t be surprised, my family is dysfunctional to say the least and I have often been excluded. If any of you have read my life story you will understand. My mother and I had a very odd relationship, if you can call it that. In the last years of her life, I visited her in Hospital, drove 6 hours to do this. Spoke to her on the phone every evening when she was on her own and my youngest sister was out. She said she was unhappy living with Trish but I knew that was her playing us off against each other.She asked me to go to her funeral when it happened and to take flowers. Again, I wasn’t told she was dying, wasn’t told she had actually died until secretly, a family member told me, had to ring me from a public toilet so no one knew and sent me all the details. I saw my mother in the funeral parlour although I was told my sister had said I couldn’t. They allowed me to sit with her for a while and leave a card and little silver cross.My mother never loved me, I always knew that and knew why. I was born out of an affair and she punished me for that all of my life.But she was my mother and I suppose I always hoped that one day she would, love me I mean. I was later told my sister had removed both the card and the cross.I did attend her funeral, only my sister, her sons and husband and 3 ladies from the Glee club attended and me and my husband. I also took flowers as she had asked of me. No-one spoke to us on the day. But I kept my promise to be there and take flowers.
On my return home, I received a long letter from my sister, it was , in fashion, cruel, nasty, jealous and unkind to the emph degree.I still have that and have read it again today. Cruel doesn’t cut it. Sadly I am a literary horder and have kept every nasty message, email, comment on SM, everything she has ever written to me, my friends or on S.M. Don’t know why but today I have read everything, trying hard to unravel the mixed emotions I have .
When my eldest sister died, Georgina , we were close and although my youngest sister would try and make it difficult for me, I promised I would go and say my goodbyes. I used to talk to Georgina every Sunday and every day in the weeks before her death. I promised I would stay in touch with her sons and I have kept that promise. My youngest sister tried hard to make a scene at the funeral wake but I ignored her. She then tried to flirt with my husband, he ignored her attention, knowing how she had hurt me in the past.Then, as the family went back to my brother’s for the evening, Tony asked me not to, because ‘Trish will cause a scene you know what she is like’. He knew I would not allow that so we made our exit.
Around 2016, while my husband was undergoing Cancer treatment, she, Patricia, Trishy to those who really didn’t know her, befriended my eldest daughter, whom she had had no contact with for almost 40 years. She told unbelievable lies about me and my daughter’s father. Called herself Grandma to my grandchildren, posted all over my social media, that she was their Nan and that my daughter was now her daughter. Stupid yes, but hurtful. She ingratiated herself into my brother’s family, again spreading such lies that it caused them, at first, to turn against me but not for long.
I had written my life story and it was a huge bestseller and still is but she tried very hard to discredit me to my publisher, lying and threatening to sue them if they didn’t take my book down. I have letters she wrote to them, and messages, where they say they know my story is true because it was scrutinized before publication but couldn’t risk litigation, so I lost my literary contract. Shameful and cruel. At this time, she wrote all over my author page,Cassie Harte, to my readers with her lies. She even wrote to friends of mine, privately who had known me all of my life, trying to spoil my friendships. Telling horrendous lies. They sent the messages straight to me. Nasty, hurtful and unbelievably cruel.
All of this and the other things, made me quite poorly and rendered me unable to work. I had to give up my Counselling work and try and rebuild my self belief and esteem. No-one can hurt you like family.
During the next few years, she caused huge problems for my daughter, for me and for my beloved brother Tony. She stole from him and blamed it all on my daughter who I am sure wasn’t blameless. This resulted in a court case that she lost, at a time my brother was dying of cancer and should have been concentrating on himself and his family, not in court fighting for his money. Cruel, evil and nasty. One thing good came out of this, his family could see her for who she really was and apologised for believing her wicked lies.
A few years ago I discovered my sister June had died. Wasn’t told by family, no phone call, text or call, no message. Went onto Facebook and was told over Social media. I tried very hard to find out details of her funeral etc. and was stopped at every turn, by one person, my youngest sister. I was told lies, told that she had been cremated and her ashes taken to Canada, long before she had even been cremated, all to stop me going to say goodbye. Unbelievably cruel. June and I had always been close but lies told to her by others, one other, Patricia, my youngest sister, without my being able to talk to her and tell her the truth. My sister kept me away from her at the end of her life and from saying goodbye. But I did go, in spirit and in the guise of a good friend, who photographed her flowers and told me about the service, not the same but felt I was present even though my sister tried hard to keep everything from me. I have photos of the flowers and family who attended but I should have been there, that is what June would have wanted.
My book had purposely not included details of my siblings lives, they were so different from mine but that is their story to tell. Georgina, June and Tony and my half brothers, all knew of the book as did my Mother. I didn’t tell Patricia as I had no contact with her as I sadi, for many many years but I know she knew of it through Tony and my mother. All except my mother, have a copy and the boys, my half brothers, knew some of it and suspected most of the things that had happened to me. They knew how I was treated differently and cruelly by the woman they called my mother. Georgina and Tony both said they knew there was something bad happening but didn’t know what to do. Our mother was not approachable and they were, themselves, children. I never blamed any of them.
So today, the reason for this blog. I am shocked at how people can fool others into believing they are good people. How easy they believe lies of someone’s life, when they don’t know the person who is lied about. How they can be unkind and nasty to someone they barely know,or don’t know at all even if they are family. I have always believed in taking someone on face value. If they are kind to me and those I love, then I will love them and be kind to them. If I am told something about someone but haven’t seen that with my own eyes, I keep an open mind. So many have believed lies and gossip about me when they have never ever met me. Lies told by someone, who for reasons no one has ever been told, I believe because there is no reason,hated me with a vengeance. Mum used to say, when she wasn’t speaking to Patricia, that my sister was jealous. ‘Of what?’ I would say. Trisha was loved and spoiled by my parents and all of us all of her life. During her life,Mum could make anyone believe anything,fain illness, cry at the drop of a hat, ruin people’s lives with her lies. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree it appears.
So today, I am thinking of me. I can’t afford to take anymore and not speak up. I choose to grieve. Grieve for the lost years , lost to pain and hurt inflicted by someone who is no longer here to take account.
But the strongest emotion I have today is the feeling of being safe at last. I am, at the end of my life, at a time I need peace, need love and a time I need to give myself forgiveness, Forgiveness that I can’t be sad, or sorry that my sister is no longer on this earth to hurt me or hurt anyone.I suppose, along with that feeling of safety, I feel huge relief that she can no longer hurt me or those I love.
I feel sad for her sons and anyone who felt love from her and feel bereft. Of course I do. But sad for me, Carol Ann? Sorry but no. Now for whatever time I have left, no one will hurt me in the way she did for so many many years.
So Goodnight Patricia wherever you are. I can’t forgive what you have done, just because you are no longer here. I just can’t.
I have always been a forgiving person and if I couldn’t forgive, I tried hard to understand. To try and work out what makes a person behave in a certain way, especially if they were nasty or unkind.
There are some people we just don’t get along with, some we really don’t like for whatever reason. But as I have said before, that is our opinion and ours alone. What we should never do is try and control how another person interacts with anyone.
As we age, we hopefully have made friends along the way. I have friends that I met at school at the age of 5. How good is that! But many have died in the past few years, family members and close friends. This is when we need family.
As I was growing up, as some will know having read my life story, I didn’t have close family, no Mum to go to and if the woman they called my Mother was not talking to me, none of the family were allowed to either. Dad sometimes would, if she wasn’t around but not if she was. She would have made his life hell if he had.No one, I don’t care who they are, should have this control over who people choose to have in their lives. No one.
The one person I did have was my Nan Williams, my ,Mother’s mother. We had a close relationship albeit sometimes secret from my mother. I learned a great deal from her about compassion, kindness and love. She had a wonderful sense of fun and , when I was left with her as a ‘punishment’, Nan and I had a lot of fun.
She told me so much about how life was for her as she grew up, the things they did, the music she loved etc.She talked a lot about how life had changed, not always for the better in the community and in families. She knew how hard life was for me at home and used to talk about my oneday having family of my own to love freely. She also taught me a lot of skills and pastimes.She said, ‘one day you will sit like this, with your grandchildren and tell them about the things you got up to, the things you achieved.’ I often think of my Nan and how she helped me through my early life.How sad and angry she would be to know that even though my Mother is not around, my own daughter can hurt me in the same way.
Doing some writing lately, she has been on my mind a lot. Having her in my life made it bearable. We laughed a lot, shared a lot and loved a lot. How lucky was I.
This got me thinking about my grandchildren. Harrison who is in his thirties and Jordan who is in his 20’s and Hannah Willow who is almost 12.
For those of you who were reading my blog back in the time between 2015 and 2020, will know how much pain my eldest daughter Lisa , gave me. How much damage she tried hard to inflict on me and my writing career. She did not affect my career but did me more damage than I can tell you on here. But the biggest harm she has done, is not just to me but to my grandchildren.
Every time over the years, she has pushed me out of her life when I have either found out lies she has spread or she has done something illegal that I didn’t agree with, my grandchildren would be stopped from contacting me. That pain is immense.Even though nothing that happened had anything to do with the boys, she would stop them from being in contact with me and that makes me sad, more for them than for me. I am sure they talk to friends who have grandparents, do things with their grandparents, making memories for later in life when people are no longer here but memories can comfort. I know they can.
There are things in the past, people in their pasts that only I could talk to them about. I am being denied that but more importantly, they are being denied knowledge that may be important to them as they grow older.
Thankfully I have spoken in depth to my eldest Harrison, when I knew his mother would keep him away from me. Told him about his Dad who sadly is no longer here. Told him everything I felt he should know that I knew his Mother would not tell him.Things that I felt a child should know, his history, his Dad’s history, everything I felt was helpful to him. I also told him a bit about his Grandfather, my first husband, his Mother’s dad, things again, he needed to know and didn’t. He was surprised about his granddad’s love of sport, running and football, something he is also interested in.He was grateful and it was a very emotional day but one that I am forever thankful for.
I love my grandchildren, Harrison was my first and so is a bit special to me. Jordan is very much his Mother’s son and will always only listen to her. I suppose some would say that is right, but it is only right if he is told the truth and many times I know he isn’t.
I have had very poor health brought on by stress and worry after a serious viral infection and now have diagnosis of FND. To have my family around me would be comforting and I know if given the choice, they would love to be part of my life, our life, mine and their Grandad’s.
So please, if you are reading this, never influence anybody, against someone whom you have shut out of your life. They might be the one person that you or someone you have influenced, might one day need. It is unforgivable to keep children away from relatives who love them and make it impossible for adults to have contact with family who love them and could be important in their lives.
Well here I am again, after a very long time. Readers of earlier blogs will know the story, the ‘happies’ of my life in Wales, living the dream with my animals, my husband and my youngest daughter.I have written before of the worry of my husband’s cancer and the nasty things, courtesy of family, that have happened over the past years. All of this, along with so much loss, has rendered me a different person. The strong professional lady is no longer. In her place stands ‘girl’ entrenched in such deep sadness that this blog will possibly be very muddled. I have lost my self confidence, my ability to drive my car, to visit , to shop etc.Life has become very scary and I don’t recognise the Carol Ann I see today.It,the sad, the depression, the lost, has been happening for a long time but now, because it has shown itself in a physical manner, it has to be addressed. So here I am, trying to make sense of all the nonsense of the years leading up to where I find myself today.
A few years back, some will know, I published my autobiography and it was a huge success. Still is, still in the charts and still selling. But in 2016, my eldest daughter Lisa and another relative who had had nothing to do with our family, for more than 40 years, contacted my publisher and made up stories and lies and I lost my publishing contract. Although the publishers did not believe the lies, they were not prepared to have their name dragged through the courts and so reluctantly, I took my Rights back. But I was republished and the book is still there! The cruelty of these two people hurt beyond words and I think that is where my ‘illness’ began or manifested itself fully.
During Covid we had such a hard time, as everyone did and although we escaped the virus, living almost off grid, it took it’s toll on everyone. My husband had recovered from cancer surgery a few years before and so was still a bit vulnerable as was I.
In the years that followed, my life , our lives changed, became almost unrecognisable. Someone we believed , no, were told over and over, would be in our lives forever, for unknown reasons, shut us out. Wouldn’t see us, wouldn’t talk about why and so we couldn’t put it right. I lost my best friend, my confidante, my safety, our emotional future in old age.Life became emptier and emptier in weeks,very scary, life as we had known it for more than 43 years suddenly was not there and we were all at sea.Wandering around our beautiful house, looking out on empty fields, visiting a now empty barn where once we had many ponies,was more painful than you could ever imagine.
During these awful years,we lost 5 ponies, two dogs, 2 cats and our whole life became one of sadness, loss and grief. But we didn’t grieve, we couldn’t grieve. A few years earlier, we had thought of moving, within Wales because we love the country, but with little or no land, because, as we were both getting older and the cancer had stolen a lot of David’s strength, we would look for a smaller house and garden. But we didn’t ever think we would be doing this on our own. Suddenly there was just us 2. In this lovely big house, in acres of land , lakes, a river, lots of outbuildings and no family and no animals to care for. We were alone and as you get older, that is scary.We loved our farmhouse, I particularly loved it and never ever wanted to move. I always said that I wanted to die, in my own bed, looking at the beautiful view from my bedroom window that I had loved for 14 years.With the family, small that it had been, by my side. But it wasn’t to be.
Someone I knew well, lost her husband and said she could not survive without him. There was nothing physically wrong with her but sadly, she died shortly after his death. I believe, of a broken heart. I know now, how that could happen because I know my heart broke at this time,the time I am talking about in this blog, losing so much, someone with whom we had shared a lifetime and loved more than life itself,so many animals we had loved so much, and watching my husband grieve for someone who was still living, was so so hard and painful. Although not able to grieve myself, I knew my heart was broken.
At this time , my eldest daughter had been back in touch, I still loved her but was warned not to trust her after what she had done.She had let us down time after time and I always took her back. But I did. Maybe it was desperation for a family, for something , I don’t know, but I did trust her and was persuaded to move back ‘home’ to Hampshire. At first all was well, I hadn’t at this point realised that the grief I was feeling, for everything I had lost, was steering me in the wrong direction. I worked with clients for many years on the damage unresolved grief can do to you. But I didn’t recognise it in myself. How could I when I would not let myself think of everything, people, animals, lifestyle, home, everything we had lost. I should have done but I didn’t.
As we packed up our lovely home, looking out on empty fields, having no one around us, was heartbreaking but we thought maybe, a life back in Hampshire was the only way to go. Lisa and my grand children would be something we had not had for a long time.We felt that there was nothing left for us in Wales. At that time, we thought we were ‘going to a new future’ but I think now, we were running away. Something I have never done in my life and now regret it more than anything ever. Sadly, so does my wonderful husband David. Seeing him so sad, breaks me up.
On the day we moved, as we drove down our very long drive, I could not speak. I held on to the tears but my heart was crying, screaming that this was not right. But we had to go and that drive was one of the worst drives of my life.
After a very short time, the grief began to surface. Maybe if things had been ‘right ‘ with Lisa, I may have been able to deal with grieving, letting go of the awful pain but I didn’t. When we were together, I found myself watching what I said, who I spoke about. If I mentioned her sister, or my son or my brother, people she had fallen out with, she would raise her eyes to Heaven or tut. I knew I couldn’t go on like that and so I knew I had to bring things out into the open about this and the things she had done in the past. Mistake? Maybe, but had to happen.The mistake was, I asked her, if the lies she had spread, told to her by my youngest sister who had been out of the family for so many years, if she had believed them and if she was sorry for the hurt she had caused me. I had messaged this to her, afraid to ask her face to face, not sure why. She messaged back that she did believe them and No she was not sorry.I wrote asking her if we could talk about this and she had blocked me and shut us out of her life and that meant out of the lives of my grandchildren whose lives she controls. From this I deduced, she didn’t care enough to try and talk things through and make things right.
So here we are living in a house we can’t love, in a place where we see no one even though we have with family 10 minutes away and yet, on our own. Something my eldest wished on me. Saying I am dead to her and hoped I would die alone.
After a few months and in a bit of shock,we both caught a nasty virus that took months to go and left us both very weak and exhausted. All the past ‘stuff’ catching up on us I think.
I then became very ill. Lots of different symptoms, unable to lift my legs onto a bed, dreadful pain all the time,inability to walk some days, fuzzy memory, difficulty in concentrating and on days such as today, fighting back the tears. But unable to cry.
I have seen a Neurologist after seeing several other specialists and he diagnosed FND. He felt that all the pain and grief, all the loss etc, was unresolved and still in my mind. He also diagnosed severe post viral fatigue.That rendered my functional brain unable to function properly. Too much ‘stuff’ getting in the way of the message sending parts of the brain. The best remedy short term is to offload, work with everything causing this and that is why I am here today. Sorry.
Many of the readers of my blog, will know most of what I have written here but not the nitty gritty. I have been honest but left out some of the really nasty things that have happened in these past years, courtesy of family.
So the ‘regrets’ mentioned in the first image are, running way, although facing the demons at the time was just far too painful. Trusting someone who had shown me over and over that they could not be trusted. Even though my own daughter.
Secondly, making others face whatever the reason for shutting someone out is, however hard or painful to face, face it they must or loss will follow.If this is too hard, address the why’s and face the pain and then it won’t fester or get in the way. Just don’t shut the other person out without explanation. that is cruel and unnecessary and causes them unfathomable pain How will you ever know if the ‘reason’ in your mind, is actually the truth in theirs.Or even if they are aware of this?
The biggest regret though,is not allowing myself to grieve, right back from 2012. Whatever else is happening in your life, step back and grieve, cry, shout, scream whatever it takes to let it go.Grief is not something that should be put off, it is not a ‘self loving luxury’ either, it is essential, to enable you to move on healthily.
Back in 2012, when I lost my very special first horse after 23 years,I was distraught but had no time to grieve. The day after losing her, I was entrenched in the most horrific online ‘nasty’ , something that had me online,or on the phone for most of every day for 6 months. This resulted in a court case and caused me to be completely drained and scared. Because of the nature of this horrific ‘hoax, I was thrown back into my childhood horrors and had no escape.
So maybe that is where it all began. I have learned the hard way, to deal with grief as soon as you are able.
So there you are folks. My first offloading of 2024. The first step I hope, of ‘letting go’ and finding some peace.
Thankyou for reading. x.
DIFFERENT KINDS OF GRIEF
Today I had a message from an old ‘friend’ telling me of the loss of a job she loved. One of my readers on my Cassie Harte Facebook. She was apologising for being so down, so low and it got me to think.
Grieving can be for so many things. Death, loss of a person or pet you loved, any kind of loss in fact. I have had to come to accepting that sometimes as I have told so many of my clients, grieving is a part of life and sometimes it will go on forever for you.
I have been quite ill by this emotion. Over the past 10 years, more so in the past 4 years, The loss of ponies, beloved dogs and cats. People in my life, family and friends.People I made friends with on here, Facebook.The loss of my belief in the sanctity of family.
But today, I realized that the loss that is affecting me most, is the loss of our way of life. When we lived in Wales, we had land, ponies, cats and dogs. Geese and ducks and much more wildlife that became part of how we lived. The badger through our cat flap for instance!
We were happy, happier than I would, as a child, ever have imagined I could have been. But I was. A wonderful husband in David, my amazing daughter and best friend Marie and all they both gave to me every single day. Life ‘on the farm’ was hard but oh so wonderful and full. I worked into my 70’s and loved my work but worries, courtesy of family, affected me and I had to stop work and concentrate on being ‘okay’.
As some of you know, family tried hard to destroy me and other things, in my personal life, began to make life hard and tarnished. The loss began. After losing all of our animals , the last few over a very short amount of time. We felt the ‘farm’ was not being used as it should have been and was too much for us alone. So we made the biggest mistake of our lives. We moved back ‘home’. Not realising that we were already there. Home I mean.
But home is not Hampshire, where family have turned their backs on us. Home is where we have spent the major part of our lives together. Home is Wales and we are hoping to go back there to see our final years out together with family who love us.
So today, I just wanted to write this down, part of my healing and let people know. Don’t think grief is for the bereaved alone. Grief can be for anything. In my/our case, it is for the life we had, loved and lost and everything we had for 25 years. That’s our grief.
Thank you for reading. xx
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This past week has shown me that talking, especially about the ‘stuff’ we don’t want to talk about, is so important and so fulfilling. Last week I was able to meet up and talk to a great friend, someone who played a very big part in my life for many years. Someone I had lost touch with. It was scary, then exciting and afterwards, informative and uplifting. But I was not able to talk about the reason we had become distant, lost touch. That leaves me sad but I will accept that it is a very rare occasion for me and one, where not talking about things, is the right thing to do to protect someone you love. x
We sometimes think it best, to pretend things didn’t happen, avoid the subjects that caused us pain but I have never been one to do that. Talking things through can avoid the pain for people, of not knowing ‘why’. Not knowing if they had done something that had caused the hurt and take away the worry that they may repeat whatever that was.
I have been able , in the past few days, to face some past hurts and heartbreaks and try and make sense, of how I found myself in a particular position, with someone so very dear to me. No, maybe I didn’t get answers, maybe I still don’t understand, but at least now, I understand, that the other person accepts their part in what happened as do I,no blame apportioned and that reassured me, that nothing like that will happen again. The important thing is that we talked about everything, all our own upsets, our own issues caused and each other’s regrets and love. I hope, if necessary, the opportunity to continue talking about these times, will surface again.Talking things through, especially if either of you feel you may have hurt the other, is the least you can do for someone you care about. The decent thing to do, the respectful thing. Pretending or refusing to face what happened can only cause more hurt, more pain.
So all in all, this past week has been a good one in certain ways.
Sadly, too many times in life, we fall out with relatives, friends and never really understand why. Life is very short, if we upset someone we should always try and make things right. Never leave a relationship, friendship, anything, without explaining why you are going. Why things haven’t worked out. Question, if you don’t know why, ask what you have done wrong if anything. Try and make the person involved feel either validated or at least understood.
If you have a disagreement, try and make it right, try and at least leave on a good note. Don’t just close the person out as though nothing had happened and then disappear from their lives. That is cruel, disrespectful and so wrong.You never know, it might be the last time you have the chance to do this.
As some of you know, I had a very volatile relationship with my eldest daughter, on and off over the years, since she became a teenager, we have fallen out many times. As a little girl we were very close but as she grew she changed.She would never stop and answer questions, if she didn’t like them, would never try and make things right, try and talk things through. Would always just shout nasty things, then block me and shut me out, leaving me no way of explaining or finding out what she had been upset about, or talking about what she had done to upset and hurt me. Running away was something she always chose over talking about things. Trying to make it right. This makes me sad. So many times things could have been sorted but people like her will not face up to having done anything that was not right, to anyone else.Sadly she has done this over and over, to friends and partners for many years. How are things going to be put right if people always behave in this way.
If we hurt someone, I like to think in my case, it was never intentional but it happens, the least we can do is talk. Try and see things from the other person’s perspective. Try and explain.Try and put it right.
I have lost 2 close friends and a close relative in the past few weeks, all died younger than me. So to me, making up, putting things right, rebuilding the broken relationships in my life is important, before it’s too late.
Think on everyone, if things are not right, talk. If you have upset someone, Talk. If they have upset you…..TALK! Together, make sense of things, make the situation better for everyone concerned. No one ever died from talking things through. But often they have, by running away.
carolannwright 