Well here I am again, after a very long time. Readers of earlier blogs will know the story, the ‘happies’ of my life in Wales, living the dream with my animals, my husband and my youngest daughter.I have written before of the worry of my husband’s cancer and the nasty things, courtesy of family, that have happened over the past years. All of this, along with so much loss, has rendered me a different person. The strong professional lady is no longer. In her place stands ‘girl’ entrenched in such deep sadness that this blog will possibly be very muddled. I have lost my self confidence, my ability to drive my car, to visit , to shop etc.Life has become very scary and I don’t recognise the Carol Ann I see today.It,the sad, the depression, the lost, has been happening for a long time but now, because it has shown itself in a physical manner, it has to be addressed. So here I am, trying to make sense of all the nonsense of the years leading up to where I find myself today.
A few years back, some will know, I published my autobiography and it was a huge success. Still is, still in the charts and still selling. But in 2016, my eldest daughter Lisa and another relative who had had nothing to do with our family, for more than 40 years, contacted my publisher and made up stories and lies and I lost my publishing contract. Although the publishers did not believe the lies, they were not prepared to have their name dragged through the courts and so reluctantly, I took my Rights back. But I was republished and the book is still there! The cruelty of these two people hurt beyond words and I think that is where my ‘illness’ began or manifested itself fully.
During Covid we had such a hard time, as everyone did and although we escaped the virus, living almost off grid, it took it’s toll on everyone. My husband had recovered from cancer surgery a few years before and so was still a bit vulnerable as was I.
In the years that followed, my life , our lives changed, became almost unrecognisable. Someone we believed , no, were told over and over, would be in our lives forever, for unknown reasons, shut us out. Wouldn’t see us, wouldn’t talk about why and so we couldn’t put it right. I lost my best friend, my confidante, my safety, our emotional future in old age.Life became emptier and emptier in weeks,very scary, life as we had known it for more than 43 years suddenly was not there and we were all at sea.Wandering around our beautiful house, looking out on empty fields, visiting a now empty barn where once we had many ponies,was more painful than you could ever imagine.
During these awful years,we lost 5 ponies, two dogs, 2 cats and our whole life became one of sadness, loss and grief. But we didn’t grieve, we couldn’t grieve. A few years earlier, we had thought of moving, within Wales because we love the country, but with little or no land, because, as we were both getting older and the cancer had stolen a lot of David’s strength, we would look for a smaller house and garden. But we didn’t ever think we would be doing this on our own. Suddenly there was just us 2. In this lovely big house, in acres of land , lakes, a river, lots of outbuildings and no family and no animals to care for. We were alone and as you get older, that is scary.We loved our farmhouse, I particularly loved it and never ever wanted to move. I always said that I wanted to die, in my own bed, looking at the beautiful view from my bedroom window that I had loved for 14 years.With the family, small that it had been, by my side. But it wasn’t to be.
Someone I knew well, lost her husband and said she could not survive without him. There was nothing physically wrong with her but sadly, she died shortly after his death. I believe, of a broken heart. I know now, how that could happen because I know my heart broke at this time,the time I am talking about in this blog, losing so much, someone with whom we had shared a lifetime and loved more than life itself,so many animals we had loved so much, and watching my husband grieve for someone who was still living, was so so hard and painful. Although not able to grieve myself, I knew my heart was broken.
At this time , my eldest daughter had been back in touch, I still loved her but was warned not to trust her after what she had done.She had let us down time after time and I always took her back. But I did. Maybe it was desperation for a family, for something , I don’t know, but I did trust her and was persuaded to move back ‘home’ to Hampshire. At first all was well, I hadn’t at this point realised that the grief I was feeling, for everything I had lost, was steering me in the wrong direction. I worked with clients for many years on the damage unresolved grief can do to you. But I didn’t recognise it in myself. How could I when I would not let myself think of everything, people, animals, lifestyle, home, everything we had lost. I should have done but I didn’t.
As we packed up our lovely home, looking out on empty fields, having no one around us, was heartbreaking but we thought maybe, a life back in Hampshire was the only way to go. Lisa and my grand children would be something we had not had for a long time.We felt that there was nothing left for us in Wales. At that time, we thought we were ‘going to a new future’ but I think now, we were running away. Something I have never done in my life and now regret it more than anything ever. Sadly, so does my wonderful husband David. Seeing him so sad, breaks me up.
On the day we moved, as we drove down our very long drive, I could not speak. I held on to the tears but my heart was crying, screaming that this was not right. But we had to go and that drive was one of the worst drives of my life.
After a very short time, the grief began to surface. Maybe if things had been ‘right ‘ with Lisa, I may have been able to deal with grieving, letting go of the awful pain but I didn’t. When we were together, I found myself watching what I said, who I spoke about. If I mentioned her sister, or my son or my brother, people she had fallen out with, she would raise her eyes to Heaven or tut. I knew I couldn’t go on like that and so I knew I had to bring things out into the open about this and the things she had done in the past. Mistake? Maybe, but had to happen.The mistake was, I asked her, if the lies she had spread, told to her by my youngest sister who had been out of the family for so many years, if she had believed them and if she was sorry for the hurt she had caused me. I had messaged this to her, afraid to ask her face to face, not sure why. She messaged back that she did believe them and No she was not sorry.I wrote asking her if we could talk about this and she had blocked me and shut us out of her life and that meant out of the lives of my grandchildren whose lives she controls. From this I deduced, she didn’t care enough to try and talk things through and make things right.
So here we are living in a house we can’t love, in a place where we see no one even though we have with family 10 minutes away and yet, on our own. Something my eldest wished on me. Saying I am dead to her and hoped I would die alone.
After a few months and in a bit of shock,we both caught a nasty virus that took months to go and left us both very weak and exhausted. All the past ‘stuff’ catching up on us I think.
I then became very ill. Lots of different symptoms, unable to lift my legs onto a bed, dreadful pain all the time,inability to walk some days, fuzzy memory, difficulty in concentrating and on days such as today, fighting back the tears. But unable to cry.
I have seen a Neurologist after seeing several other specialists and he diagnosed FND. He felt that all the pain and grief, all the loss etc, was unresolved and still in my mind. He also diagnosed severe post viral fatigue.That rendered my functional brain unable to function properly. Too much ‘stuff’ getting in the way of the message sending parts of the brain. The best remedy short term is to offload, work with everything causing this and that is why I am here today. Sorry.
Many of the readers of my blog, will know most of what I have written here but not the nitty gritty. I have been honest but left out some of the really nasty things that have happened in these past years, courtesy of family.
So the ‘regrets’ mentioned in the first image are, running way, although facing the demons at the time was just far too painful. Trusting someone who had shown me over and over that they could not be trusted. Even though my own daughter.
Secondly, making others face whatever the reason for shutting someone out is, however hard or painful to face, face it they must or loss will follow.If this is too hard, address the why’s and face the pain and then it won’t fester or get in the way. Just don’t shut the other person out without explanation. that is cruel and unnecessary and causes them unfathomable pain How will you ever know if the ‘reason’ in your mind, is actually the truth in theirs.Or even if they are aware of this?
The biggest regret though,is not allowing myself to grieve, right back from 2012. Whatever else is happening in your life, step back and grieve, cry, shout, scream whatever it takes to let it go.Grief is not something that should be put off, it is not a ‘self loving luxury’ either, it is essential, to enable you to move on healthily.
Back in 2012, when I lost my very special first horse after 23 years,I was distraught but had no time to grieve. The day after losing her, I was entrenched in the most horrific online ‘nasty’ , something that had me online,or on the phone for most of every day for 6 months. This resulted in a court case and caused me to be completely drained and scared. Because of the nature of this horrific ‘hoax, I was thrown back into my childhood horrors and had no escape.
So maybe that is where it all began. I have learned the hard way, to deal with grief as soon as you are able.
So there you are folks. My first offloading of 2024. The first step I hope, of ‘letting go’ and finding some peace.
Thankyou for reading. x.
carolannwright 