WISHING LIFE WOULD STAND STILL…JUST FOR A MOMENT

 

Firstly I want to apologise, not for posting on social media but for seeming to be self-indulgent and weak. I am neither, I hope. I write because it helps. I write because I can be honest. I write to offload the pressures of this thing we call life.

I write…because…

When cancer with a little ‘c’ strikes, the world doesn’t stop.

It may feel like it, momentarily. You might want it to . But it doesn’t.

When cancer with  a little ‘c’ strikes, other things don’t stop happening.

Other things don’t become less important. Other things don’t get better.

At times you may think they will, but they won’t.

No. Life goes on. Problems still come, family still get sick. People can still be nasty. Those you love can still become terminally ill. Nothing stops just because you now have first hand knowledge of the ‘c’ word.

How I wish they did! How I wish things came one at a time, enough to worry me and enough for me to cope well with. Two things I can deal with, even three serious issues but when they keep coming I become over-whelmed.

In the beginning of this journey I never asked to take, I wished I could un-know what I know. I wished I could un-hear the words the consultant uttered in his brief 3 minute slot. I wanted the before cancer time back, the calm, the love, the good and the beautiful.

The words of a song I knew years ago. ‘How can the world go on turning, how can the sun still shine. Don’t they know its the end of my world…..’. That’s how I felt.

When cancer strikes, life goes on. It still deals it’s blows. Still sends its tests. Some-days you wonder if and how you will survive.

But you do.

I have been very grateful this week to my FB friends on the 2 groups I belong and my other friends for support, love and advice.I was told to ‘keep writing’. So here I am. I was reminded by a young woman I met through my work, that I am a strong lady and have survived some horrendous times. Thankyou Andrea Jayne Howells,for those words.  Dany  Sherlock Park,suggested I take myself back to the worst time in my life, and tell myself it will never be that bad again. Remind myself that I survived that.I often use this in my work.

Back a few years, during my Masters course, I had to explore my life as part of my counsellor training. That was hard. But the thing that got me through, that helped me more than anything, was writing everything that happened to me, warts n all, down. So I wrote my autobiography. Laying ghosts. Revisiting the horrors that were my childhood was horrendous.At that time, I thought childhood was the worst time of my life and I survived to tell the tale so to speak.

A few years after the book, I became entrenched in nasty wicked hoax, over the Internet, answering a plea for help from a young woman who had read my book. This continued for 6 months, 24/7 honing in on my emotions, and entrenching me in the most horrendous nightmares that brough my own childhood back into my life. Flashbacks, night mares and every fear I had as a child. It resulted in her being taken to court.

That I thought was the worst time of my life .

The past three plus years, with ‘family’ doing their best to break me, to hurt me, to ruin my reputation and my life, was heartbreakingly difficult especially as it all began with lies from my own daughter. That was the worst time of that part of my life.

Added to all of this, the last grandchild I was ever to have was lost and my heart broke.

Throughout the past 31 years, obviously not childhood and young adult hood, the only real constant was David, my husband. Hearing he had cancer WAS the worst time of my life. But the worst had only just begun, I see that now.

As you know, I recently had a heart scare and am waiting to see if I need a stent. So I am not as well as I would like to be or need to be to look after David. This past week, week one after Robotic surgery has tested us both. To see him in pain, was just too awful. To watch him watching me, when I did the things he can’t do, was again hard. Helping him with personal tasks, was so difficult for him. Making sure he drank enough, is drinking enough, seeing to the things he usually sees to, is hard and I admit to having to struggle through. David is a wonderful man, looking after me he says his favourite thing in life and he does it so very well. Now I am trying to do the same for him but falling short somewhat. One of the things I find hard, is walking the dogs, they still need to go out and I often went with my husband but after my scare, not being well, I didn’t always go. Now I have to. It isn’t their fault we are both unwell, it isn’t anybodys fault.  Theres the rub. If it was I could blame! But I have no one to blame so I moan, on social media.

Wednesday brought me online grocery shopping. What a fiasco that was and I won’t bore you with the details but a well-known store had never heard of me although I have shopped there for at least 10 years so I couldn’t log on! Small issue really in the scheme of things.

Thursday brought the devastating news that my son may have a potentially fatal or crippling illness and I can’t get to him.

So David has had major cancer surgery. My brother Tony, whom I love dearly and can’t get down to see, has a few months left if he is ‘lucky;’ and now my son, who again I can’t visit. Yesterdays posts were a culmination of everything.

So life does go on. It still deals its blows.

Still send sends tests and once again, risking a telling off, IT’S NOT FAIR!

It’s not looking after my husband I don’t like: I do that willingly.

Its not the personal ‘bits’ I do those willingly.

It’s the responsibility of staying strong and well enough to care for him properly. It’s watching him in pain and discomfort.

It’s not being able to see family I love at a time they need to see me.

So looking back, yes I have survived a lot but really don’t want anything else to have to survive Thankyou!

Writing this I realise my biggest emotions today.

Firstly its the loneliness.

I can’t let David know how I feel.

I can’t let David know of my worry.

I can’t let him know of my pain and hurt.

Secondly the sad.

 I can’t let him see my sad. So again in the words of a song, ‘I whistle a happy tune’ and pretend. Something I became expert at from a very young age.

Oh how I want ‘before cancer ‘time back. When ,life was good. When David was well, fit and healthy. When Tony was the same and my son was okay. When I looked out of my window and saw the beauty of the countryside that surrounds us ‘here on the farm’.

I don’t see that beauty now.

So here I am, saying sorry. Not for writing but for moaning.

Not for saying it’s not fair, because it isn’t.

But for showing that even ‘a strong lady’, your words Andrea, can sometimes become a quivering wreck and feel anything but strong. Physician heal thyself has once again failed me.

All I ask is that nothing else is thrown at us for at least alittle while. Not a lot to ask is it?Let me just stand still, in peace, for a moment.

Thankyou for reading x