Inflicting your Behaviour or Opinion on Others Against Family is Unforgivable.

I have always been a forgiving person and if I couldn’t forgive, I tried hard to understand. To try and work out what makes a person behave in a certain way, especially if they were nasty or unkind.

There are some people we just don’t get along with, some we really don’t like for whatever reason. But as I have said before, that is our opinion and ours alone. What we should never do is try and control how another person interacts with anyone.

As we age, we hopefully have made friends along the way. I have friends that I met at school at the age of 5. How good is that! But many have died in the past few years, family members and close friends. This is when we need family.

As I was growing up, as some will know having read my life story, I didn’t have close family, no Mum to go to and if the woman they called my Mother was not talking to me, none of the family were allowed to either. Dad sometimes would, if she wasn’t around but not if she was. She would have made his life hell if he had.No one, I don’t care who they are, should have this control over who people choose to have in their lives. No one.

The one person I did have was my Nan Williams, my ,Mother’s mother. We had a close relationship albeit sometimes secret from my mother. I learned a great deal from her about compassion, kindness and love. She had a wonderful sense of fun and , when I was left with her as a ‘punishment’, Nan and I had a lot of fun.

She told me so much about how life was for her as she grew up, the things they did, the music she loved etc.She talked a lot about how life had changed, not always for the better in the community and in families. She knew how hard life was for me at home and used to talk about my oneday having family of my own to love freely. She also taught me a lot of skills and pastimes.She said, ‘one day you will sit like this, with your grandchildren and tell them about the things you got up to, the things you achieved.’ I often think of my Nan and how she helped me through my early life.How sad and angry she would be to know that even though my Mother is not around, my own daughter can hurt me in the same way.

Doing some writing lately, she has been on my mind a lot. Having her in my life made it bearable. We laughed a lot, shared a lot and loved a lot. How lucky was I.

This got me thinking about my grandchildren. Harrison who is in his thirties and Jordan who is in his 20’s and Hannah Willow who is almost 12.

For those of you who were reading my blog back in the time between 2015 and 2020, will know how much pain my eldest daughter Lisa , gave me. How much damage she tried hard to inflict on me and my writing career. She did not affect my career but did me more damage than I can tell you on here. But the biggest harm she has done, is not just to me but to my grandchildren.

Every time over the years, she has pushed me out of her life when I have either found out lies she has spread or she has done something illegal that I didn’t agree with, my grandchildren would be stopped from contacting me. That pain is immense.Even though nothing that happened had anything to do with the boys, she would stop them from being in contact with me and that makes me sad, more for them than for me. I am sure they talk to friends who have grandparents, do things with their grandparents, making memories for later in life when people are no longer here but memories can comfort. I know they can.

There are things in the past, people in their pasts that only I could talk to them about. I am being denied that but more importantly, they are being denied knowledge that may be important to them as they grow older.

Thankfully I have spoken in depth to my eldest Harrison, when I knew his mother would keep him away from me. Told him about his Dad who sadly is no longer here. Told him everything I felt he should know that I knew his Mother would not tell him.Things that I felt a child should know, his history, his Dad’s history, everything I felt was helpful to him. I also told him a bit about his Grandfather, my first husband, his Mother’s dad, things again, he needed to know and didn’t. He was surprised about his granddad’s love of sport, running and football, something he is also interested in.He was grateful and it was a very emotional day but one that I am forever thankful for.

I love my grandchildren, Harrison was my first and so is a bit special to me. Jordan is very much his Mother’s son and will always only listen to her. I suppose some would say that is right, but it is only right if he is told the truth and many times I know he isn’t.

I have had very poor health brought on by stress and worry after a serious viral infection and now have diagnosis of FND. To have my family around me would be comforting and I know if given the choice, they would love to be part of my life, our life, mine and their Grandad’s.

So please, if you are reading this, never influence anybody, against someone whom you have shut out of your life. They might be the one person that you or someone you have influenced, might one day need. It is unforgivable to keep children away from relatives who love them and make it impossible for adults to have contact with family who love them and could be important in their lives.

Please, think on.

Trying to make peace with everything….for my own sake.

Well here I am again, after a very long time. Readers of earlier blogs will know the story, the ‘happies’ of my life in Wales, living the dream with my animals, my husband and my youngest daughter.I have written before of the worry of my husband’s cancer and the nasty things, courtesy of family, that have happened over the past years. All of this, along with so much loss, has rendered me a different person. The strong professional lady is no longer. In her place stands ‘girl’ entrenched in such deep sadness that this blog will possibly be very muddled. I have lost my self confidence, my ability to drive my car, to visit , to shop etc.Life has become very scary and I don’t recognise the Carol Ann I see today.It,the sad, the depression, the lost, has been happening for a long time but now, because it has shown itself in a physical manner, it has to be addressed. So here I am, trying to make sense of all the nonsense of the years leading up to where I find myself today.

A few years back, some will know, I published my autobiography and it was a huge success. Still is, still in the charts and still selling. But in 2016, my eldest daughter Lisa and another relative who had had nothing to do with our family, for more than 40 years, contacted my publisher and made up stories and lies and I lost my publishing contract. Although the publishers did not believe the lies, they were not prepared to have their name dragged through the courts and so reluctantly, I took my Rights back. But I was republished and the book is still there! The cruelty of these two people hurt beyond words and I think that is where my ‘illness’ began or manifested itself fully.

During Covid we had such a hard time, as everyone did and although we escaped the virus, living almost off grid, it took it’s toll on everyone. My husband had recovered from cancer surgery a few years before and so was still a bit vulnerable as was I.

In the years that followed, my life , our lives changed, became almost unrecognisable. Someone we believed , no, were told over and over, would be in our lives forever, for unknown reasons, shut us out. Wouldn’t see us, wouldn’t talk about why and so we couldn’t put it right. I lost my best friend, my confidante, my safety, our emotional future in old age.Life became emptier and emptier in weeks,very scary, life as we had known it for more than 43 years suddenly was not there and we were all at sea.Wandering around our beautiful house, looking out on empty fields, visiting a now empty barn where once we had many ponies,was more painful than you could ever imagine.

During these awful years,we lost 5 ponies, two dogs, 2 cats and our whole life became one of sadness, loss and grief. But we didn’t grieve, we couldn’t grieve. A few years earlier, we had thought of moving, within Wales because we love the country, but with little or no land, because, as we were both getting older and the cancer had stolen a lot of David’s strength, we would look for a smaller house and garden. But we didn’t ever think we would be doing this on our own. Suddenly there was just us 2. In this lovely big house, in acres of land , lakes, a river, lots of outbuildings and no family and no animals to care for. We were alone and as you get older, that is scary.We loved our farmhouse, I particularly loved it and never ever wanted to move. I always said that I wanted to die, in my own bed, looking at the beautiful view from my bedroom window that I had loved for 14 years.With the family, small that it had been, by my side. But it wasn’t to be.

Someone I knew well, lost her husband and said she could not survive without him. There was nothing physically wrong with her but sadly, she died shortly after his death. I believe, of a broken heart. I know now, how that could happen because I know my heart broke at this time,the time I am talking about in this blog, losing so much, someone with whom we had shared a lifetime and loved more than life itself,so many animals we had loved so much, and watching my husband grieve for someone who was still living, was so so hard and painful. Although not able to grieve myself, I knew my heart was broken.

At this time , my eldest daughter had been back in touch, I still loved her but was warned not to trust her after what she had done.She had let us down time after time and I always took her back. But I did. Maybe it was desperation for a family, for something , I don’t know, but I did trust her and was persuaded to move back ‘home’ to Hampshire. At first all was well, I hadn’t at this point realised that the grief I was feeling, for everything I had lost, was steering me in the wrong direction. I worked with clients for many years on the damage unresolved grief can do to you. But I didn’t recognise it in myself. How could I when I would not let myself think of everything, people, animals, lifestyle, home, everything we had lost. I should have done but I didn’t.

As we packed up our lovely home, looking out on empty fields, having no one around us, was heartbreaking but we thought maybe, a life back in Hampshire was the only way to go. Lisa and my grand children would be something we had not had for a long time.We felt that there was nothing left for us in Wales. At that time, we thought we were ‘going to a new future’ but I think now, we were running away. Something I have never done in my life and now regret it more than anything ever. Sadly, so does my wonderful husband David. Seeing him so sad, breaks me up.

On the day we moved, as we drove down our very long drive, I could not speak. I held on to the tears but my heart was crying, screaming that this was not right. But we had to go and that drive was one of the worst drives of my life.

After a very short time, the grief began to surface. Maybe if things had been ‘right ‘ with Lisa, I may have been able to deal with grieving, letting go of the awful pain but I didn’t. When we were together, I found myself watching what I said, who I spoke about. If I mentioned her sister, or my son or my brother, people she had fallen out with, she would raise her eyes to Heaven or tut. I knew I couldn’t go on like that and so I knew I had to bring things out into the open about this and the things she had done in the past. Mistake? Maybe, but had to happen.The mistake was, I asked her, if the lies she had spread, told to her by my youngest sister who had been out of the family for so many years, if she had believed them and if she was sorry for the hurt she had caused me. I had messaged this to her, afraid to ask her face to face, not sure why. She messaged back that she did believe them and No she was not sorry.I wrote asking her if we could talk about this and she had blocked me and shut us out of her life and that meant out of the lives of my grandchildren whose lives she controls. From this I deduced, she didn’t care enough to try and talk things through and make things right.

So here we are living in a house we can’t love, in a place where we see no one even though we have with family 10 minutes away and yet, on our own. Something my eldest wished on me. Saying I am dead to her and hoped I would die alone.

After a few months and in a bit of shock,we both caught a nasty virus that took months to go and left us both very weak and exhausted. All the past ‘stuff’ catching up on us I think.

I then became very ill. Lots of different symptoms, unable to lift my legs onto a bed, dreadful pain all the time,inability to walk some days, fuzzy memory, difficulty in concentrating and on days such as today, fighting back the tears. But unable to cry.

I have seen a Neurologist after seeing several other specialists and he diagnosed FND. He felt that all the pain and grief, all the loss etc, was unresolved and still in my mind. He also diagnosed severe post viral fatigue.That rendered my functional brain unable to function properly. Too much ‘stuff’ getting in the way of the message sending parts of the brain. The best remedy short term is to offload, work with everything causing this and that is why I am here today. Sorry.

Many of the readers of my blog, will know most of what I have written here but not the nitty gritty. I have been honest but left out some of the really nasty things that have happened in these past years, courtesy of family.

So the ‘regrets’ mentioned in the first image are, running way, although facing the demons at the time was just far too painful. Trusting someone who had shown me over and over that they could not be trusted. Even though my own daughter.

Secondly, making others face whatever the reason for shutting someone out is, however hard or painful to face, face it they must or loss will follow.If this is too hard, address the why’s and face the pain and then it won’t fester or get in the way. Just don’t shut the other person out without explanation. that is cruel and unnecessary and causes them unfathomable pain How will you ever know if the ‘reason’ in your mind, is actually the truth in theirs.Or even if they are aware of this?

The biggest regret though,is not allowing myself to grieve, right back from 2012. Whatever else is happening in your life, step back and grieve, cry, shout, scream whatever it takes to let it go.Grief is not something that should be put off, it is not a ‘self loving luxury’ either, it is essential, to enable you to move on healthily.

Back in 2012, when I lost my very special first horse after 23 years,I was distraught but had no time to grieve. The day after losing her, I was entrenched in the most horrific online ‘nasty’ , something that had me online,or on the phone for most of every day for 6 months. This resulted in a court case and caused me to be completely drained and scared. Because of the nature of this horrific ‘hoax, I was thrown back into my childhood horrors and had no escape.

So maybe that is where it all began. I have learned the hard way, to deal with grief as soon as you are able.

So there you are folks. My first offloading of 2024. The first step I hope, of ‘letting go’ and finding some peace.

Thankyou for reading. x.

_{DIFFERENT KINDS OF GRIEF}

Today I had a message from an old ‘friend’ telling me of the loss of a job she loved. One of my readers on my Cassie Harte Facebook. She was apologising for being so down, so low and it got me to think.

Grieving can be for so many things. Death, loss of a person or pet you loved, any kind of loss in fact. I have had to come to accepting that sometimes as I have told so many of my clients, grieving is a part of life and sometimes it will go on forever for you.

I have been quite ill by this emotion. Over the past 10 years, more so in the past 4 years, The loss of ponies, beloved dogs and cats. People in my life, family and friends.People I made friends with on here, Facebook.The loss of my belief in the sanctity of family.

But today, I realized that the loss that is affecting me most, is the loss of our way of life. When we lived in Wales, we had land, ponies, cats and dogs. Geese and ducks and much more wildlife that became part of how we lived. The badger through our cat flap for instance!

We were happy, happier than I would, as a child, ever have imagined I could have been. But I was. A wonderful husband in David, my amazing daughter and best friend Marie and all they both gave to me every single day. Life ‘on the farm’ was hard but oh so wonderful and full. I worked into my 70’s and loved my work but worries, courtesy of family, affected me and I had to stop work and concentrate on being ‘okay’.

As some of you know, family tried hard to destroy me and other things, in my personal life, began to make life hard and tarnished. The loss began. After losing all of our animals , the last few over a very short amount of time. We felt the ‘farm’ was not being used as it should have been and was too much for us alone. So we made the biggest mistake of our lives. We moved back ‘home’. Not realising that we were already there. Home I mean.

But home is not Hampshire, where family have turned their backs on us. Home is where we have spent the major part of our lives together. Home is Wales and we are hoping to go back there to see our final years out together with family who love us.

So today, I just wanted to write this down, part of my healing and let people know. Don’t think grief is for the bereaved alone. Grief can be for anything. In my/our case, it is for the life we had, loved and lost and everything we had for 25 years. That’s our grief.

Thank you for reading. xx

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Never Leave things Unsaid, especially if they have affected your life.

This past week has shown me that talking, especially about the ‘stuff’ we don’t want to talk about, is so important and so fulfilling. Last week I was able to meet up and talk to a great friend, someone who played a very big part in my life for many years. Someone I had lost touch with. It was scary, then exciting and afterwards, informative and uplifting. But I was not able to talk about the reason we had become distant, lost touch. That leaves me sad but I will accept that it is a very rare occasion for me and one, where not talking about things, is the right thing to do to protect someone you love. x

We sometimes think it best, to pretend things didn’t happen, avoid the subjects that caused us pain but I have never been one to do that. Talking things through can avoid the pain for people, of not knowing ‘why’. Not knowing if they had done something that had caused the hurt and take away the worry that they may repeat whatever that was.

I have been able , in the past few days, to face some past hurts and heartbreaks and try and make sense, of how I found myself in a particular position, with someone so very dear to me. No, maybe I didn’t get answers, maybe I still don’t understand, but at least now, I understand, that the other person accepts their part in what happened as do I,no blame apportioned and that reassured me, that nothing like that will happen again. The important thing is that we talked about everything, all our own upsets, our own issues caused and each other’s regrets and love. I hope, if necessary, the opportunity to continue talking about these times, will surface again.Talking things through, especially if either of you feel you may have hurt the other, is the least you can do for someone you care about. The decent thing to do, the respectful thing. Pretending or refusing to face what happened can only cause more hurt, more pain.

So all in all, this past week has been a good one in certain ways.

Sadly, too many times in life, we fall out with relatives, friends and never really understand why. Life is very short, if we upset someone we should always try and make things right. Never leave a relationship, friendship, anything, without explaining why you are going. Why things haven’t worked out. Question, if you don’t know why, ask what you have done wrong if anything. Try and make the person involved feel either validated or at least understood.

If you have a disagreement, try and make it right, try and at least leave on a good note. Don’t just close the person out as though nothing had happened and then disappear from their lives. That is cruel, disrespectful and so wrong.You never know, it might be the last time you have the chance to do this.

As some of you know, I had a very volatile relationship with my eldest daughter, on and off over the years, since she became a teenager, we have fallen out many times. As a little girl we were very close but as she grew she changed.She would never stop and answer questions, if she didn’t like them, would never try and make things right, try and talk things through. Would always just shout nasty things, then block me and shut me out, leaving me no way of explaining or finding out what she had been upset about, or talking about what she had done to upset and hurt me. Running away was something she always chose over talking about things. Trying to make it right. This makes me sad. So many times things could have been sorted but people like her will not face up to having done anything that was not right, to anyone else.Sadly she has done this over and over, to friends and partners for many years. How are things going to be put right if people always behave in this way.

If we hurt someone, I like to think in my case, it was never intentional but it happens, the least we can do is talk. Try and see things from the other person’s perspective. Try and explain.Try and put it right.

I have lost 2 close friends and a close relative in the past few weeks, all died younger than me. So to me, making up, putting things right, rebuilding the broken relationships in my life is important, before it’s too late.

Think on everyone, if things are not right, talk. If you have upset someone, Talk. If they have upset you…..TALK! Together, make sense of things, make the situation better for everyone concerned. No one ever died from talking things through. But often they have, by running away.

Thank you for reading. x

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Honesty… a good thing right?

Want to share my own contradiction. I have just completed a piece for a fellow author’s book on the importance of HONESTY and INTEGRITY, things that have always been very important to me. Just after I pressed ‘send’, I thought back to how these two values have affected me and find them wanting.

Years ago, I had a very good friend, someone whom I loved as a sister. She helped me through an awful time. Something happened, at another person’s hands that made me drop out of her circle and take myself out of her life. Not because she had done anything wrong, not because I had done anything wrong but I had no choice, keeping her safe from knowledge that would hurt her was something I had no choice in doing, I loved her and couldn’t and wouldn’t hurt her. I could have told her the truth but I couldn’t but I also couldn’t lie. So I left her life, with her thinking badly of me. This broke my heart but I thought I had no choice. I kept my integrity in tact but I lost a very good friend.

When I was a young woman, I had a son adopted, had no choice, no help and threats I would lose my daughter as well,l if I didn’t let my baby go. I had no one at that point who could help me. Things were different back them. Years later I found him again with the help of Social Services, who after reading my file, said the adoption should never have happened. My son should have stayed with me. I made a promise to his adoptive father, that I would not influence my son and try and be part of his life. That I would not try and be his Mum. I made this promise in order to be allowed to meet him again. Keeping that promise lost me any chance, at that time,of having him in my life. I had never broken promises to anyone and felt again, I had to agree

Two years ago today, I made a five hour round trip, to keep an appointment that was to give validation to my relationship with my eldest daughter.She had fostered a baby girl since her birth and decided that she would like to adopt her. I was over the moon about this and knew it was the right thing for her and the baby, my granddaughter.I worked tirelessly for her, helping with the paperwork, her life history, things the adoption society needed and everything adoption entailed, that my daughter did not know how to complete. On th ephone almost all day on some days, either talking things through or reassuring my daughter when she became stressed about the baby or the adoption process. Willingly. I did this only to find, that my use to her, had then been exhausted and she shut me out of her life. I had been interviewd by the Adoption social worker and that was the long journey I had made to meet with her.I then had to sign and agree the validation that I had made, the statement of our close relationship that had now been terminated by my daughter. I have never been told why she did this,except that she accused me of trying to stop the adoption. Both she and I know this to be untrue. I think she just didn’t want me to be the baby’s Nan, don’t understand why but I had done nothing to make this happen, so have to conclude I had served my purpose. Her dishonesty broke our relationship. My need for honesty, prevented me from signing a statement that was then untrue.How could I say we were close when she had blocked me on Social media and shut me out of her life. I didn’t sign and paid a heavy price.Not of my doing but of hers. I kept my integrity but lost her and most of her family, by staying honest.Because of this, even after doing everything to repair this relationship, her dishonesty had destroyed part of me.

Although I now have my son in my life I have missed many years because of a promise and my honesty. I have missed out on the best friend anyone could have because of my Integrity and lost family members who didn’t value my honesty.

My point is, although I have lived my whole life being honest and sticking to the truth no matter what. Has it paid for me to have done this? I don’t think it has.

Will I change? I don’t think so.

Honesty and integrity are the most important things in my life, after growing up in a web of lies. I have to accept the losses and hope one day these people may understand. Thanks for reading. x

Never Leave things Unsaid, especially if they have affected your life.

So all in all, this past week has been a good one in certain ways.

Thank you for reading. x

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Social media takes the emotion out of ‘Social’

t’s been a very difficult time these past few days, not unusual for us it seems but it has brought something to the forefront of my mind that I have thought many times before today.

For those of you who know me, you may remember that a few years ago, I suffered very much from family bullying and unkindness, on here and on my author page. Lies are easy to write on Facebook and other social media, no one can see the face of the writer or know the truth of what is being said. But we can be very hurt by the comments and also by what friends of the perpetrator say .

This morning, after another sleepless painful night, I wanted to say a few things about the pros and cons of Facebook. Please read if interested, if not please scroll by.

I have enjoyed this platform. It has kept me sane in times of stress and hurt. It has made me laugh, kept me in touch with family and friends and given me so many friends I might never meet. Messenger has enabled me to actually see people I can no longer ‘see’ because of distance. Invaluable.

I love sharing funny articles, watching my ‘family’ grow, admittingly from a distance and see those I care about, enjoying life, in pictures and posts. So all in all a good thing. Yes?

But there is another side to it. A side where people can judge you, judge others. Where people can spread stories about you that are not factual, not true. Once said, the words cannot be unsaid.Where friends can read ‘your opinion’ taken out of context and unfriend you.

Facebook should be a ‘plus’, not an instead of. It should not replace phone-calls, letters, etc. It should not be relied upon and trusted to do what you believe it will do.

Post should not be taken out of context. Taken at face value, shared as facts. Sometimes the post is just another person’s opinion, not actually the truth.

Relying on Social media, is just not the thing to do because it can let you down. It is not infallible. Yes, you can check out the facts or believe what you read but I think unless you hear it with your own ears or see it with your own eyes, it might just be someone else’s slant on what happened or what was said.Just because It is written on Facebook. DOES NOT ALWAYS MEAN IT IS TRUE!

Years ago, in a much more caring world, where people took trouble to visit, talk on the telephone, write to others: we had the information needed to make decisions, either in front of us or heard. Yes may sound old fashioned but in my opinion, so much better, so much more caring.Yes Facebook. may be faster in this oh so manic world but not as emotive or sensitive.

Facts:

Facebook loses things. Facebook deletes things. Facebook often doesn’t share to our targeted audience. I know this to my detriment. Social media does not bear the brunt of it’s mistakes.

We do.

How many of you have commented on things you know nothing about? How many of you have ‘missed’ things that friends or family say they shared with you? How many of you have been the victims of nasty comments or statements on Social media with no means of redress?! Or been victims of Facebook mistakes?

What I am saying is. Please if you can, make sure what you say is true. Make sure your posts are shared to everyone on your friend list or made public so that everyone who needs to see them, does see them. If really important, please privately message those the posts are meant for,takes seconds, that way they will get them. This will save a great deal of heartache and hurt.

Lecture over. Have good Sunday.

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A Reminder That It’s Okay To Cry.

Those who know me, know that I don’t cry tears easily or often. I feel like it many many times, but crying is hard for me. Makes me feel vulnerable, guilty, weak. A legacy I suppose from being told over and over, as a child and young woman, that crying is, wrong, pathetic and means you are ‘stupid’, words of my ‘mother’ if I dared show tears. So, no I don’t cry.I need to often, have needed to so much in the past years, and I know I should, because the work I have done for over 20 years, has shown me,how holding onto tears, holding on to anger, grief etc. can cause all kinds of problems both emotionally, psychologically and physically. So cry I should.

Having said all of this, a few years ago I was hurting so much that my poor David held me over and over while I sobbed and sobbed. He was so concerned as crying was something he had never witnessed in me.Life at that time was so painful, so hard and the tears never stopped. On returning to Hampshire I ‘went there again’ and would sob myself to sleep. Before David came to bed. In secret. That is no way to let the tears out. No one to hold me no one to comfort me but my choice. Letting my guard down made me go back to never shedding tears, never crying, something I had always been ‘good’ at.

Yesterday, I was so close to tears that the person in the room with me, tried hard to allow me, encourage me to let go. To let the tears flow but I was afraid that if I did I would never stop.So Carol Ann the ‘strong’ rushed in to save the day and changed the subject.

But today, talking to my youngest daughter I was made to realise that tears are okay. That needing someone to talk to is okay. So from today, when I feel the tears coming, I will try my very best to let them go. It will be hard but if I try really hard and talk to myself the way I spoke to many clients, maybe, just maybe, I will cry.

Many will remember how much I loved our old home, how leaving was so very hard for both of us.I miss everything about living in Wales, living on our ‘farm’. The three of us, then becoming 4.The ponies, ducks, geese. The land and the huge open skies. The fresh air and the silence. Oh how I miss the silence.

You may have read earlier blogs and know the reason why we left but if you haven’t, there were so many reasons, some I can put on here and some I won’t.

The house was too big for 2 of us and after losing our last ponies and our dogs, we didn’t need the land. We could have stayed and had someone in to tend everything but that would have upset David, I know, so we sold up. On encouragement from our eldest daughter we came back to Hampshire, where we are both from, to be close to family, grandchildren etc. But that didn’t work out, courtesy of the lies, promises and dishonesty of my daughter, leaving us once again, on our own.

Oh how I needed to cry then. The hurt, the betrayal, the loss but I didn’t. I held onto all of it. I was already consumed with unresolved grief from people and animals, our way of life, the familiarity of Wales and thought if I let go and cried, the oceans of tears would overcome me and I would be lost. So I held on and became angry. Anger being Sad’s bodyguard.

My heart has been broken so many times over the years, by people I would never have believed would or could hurt me. I have lost a beloved brother, 2 close friends and more animals than I have room to mention here.

The first months of being here I was rendered unwell and now suffer from FND and Post Viral Fatigue, both of which have knocked the stuffing out of me. All the pain and hurt left me feeling a shell of the person I was. Lost and empty.I was so close to a complete mental breakdown and only just held on with the help, love and support of David.

I need to cry for the woman I was. Carol Ann . Her capabilities, both physically and mentally because I can’t find her anywhere.

Moving from everything we loved and knew took away my safety, my familiarity, my future. Everything I treasured and needed. So today, I need to cry for me.

But most of all, I find myself becoming tearful everytime I watch the News. the wars, the famine, fires and floods, earthquakes etc. etc. Man’s inhumanity to man. The cruelty inflicted on innocent animals. I could go on. I don’t watch the late news anymore because it stops me sleeping.

I see animals so badly treated that it doesn’t bear thinking about. I see animals thrown out for no reason at all and Rescue centres literally picking up the pieces and it makes me ashamed to be human. We are supposedly the superior race. That’s a joke!

So firstly I will begin with crying for my losses and trying hard to move forward. Not forgetting because I can’t do that. Forgiving? Not even sure about that . But move forward I must.

But I will begin with letting the tears flow for humanity. For this wonderful world we seem intent on destroying. Tears for my children’s children and worry about the kind of world they will inherit.

I have always said, to friends, family, my children, that crying is healing. Somewhere down the very long rough line, I have forgotten how to do this. But learn I must. To save myself from even more illness brought on by unresolved grief.

Watch this space!

Thank you for reading. x

The Meaning of A Word…..Unconditional.

Well here I am again, writing to save my sanity I suppose. Sometimes things go round and around in my head and I find it hard to stop them. At the most inopportune moment, in they come, shoving anything and everything else out of my tired and weary head. Bulldozing thoughts I might have been enjoying, liking. Pushing them out like they were nothing , into the sidelines, sometimes never to surface again. Unwanted, not needed, destructive thoughts that my poor mind just wants to stop. To make them go away and never darken my door again. But back they come over and over.

Intrusive thoughts are never invited, sometimes nothing could have been further from my mind,than the subject of these reminders,of how life had been. Reminding me of a life where the subject of these thoughts meant everything to me. Someone or something that was once my world and for whom I would have moved Heaven and Earth for. But things change, people change and this can be hurtful, confusing, sad.

Intrusive thoughts affect all of us. Overtime you may begin to get used to things, may not give any time to these thoughts, although many would say you must. They might tell you, that you are wrong to try and push memories of how life once was, out of your mind, your world forever. But our minds are not like that. Our memory is not selective, or not for most of us. Whether we want someone to creep into our heads or not , is not our choice. Especially if they are someone we have loved beyond love for most of their lives. No, we have no choice. Why? Because as parents we have that wonderful ability to unconditionally love our children. To give them unconditional love willingly. We don’t make it happen, it is just there, from the minute you know you are having a baby, the love is there and you just know you would die for them.

Sometimes, I think, we can feel, this unconditional love, come back to us, see it in a smile, feel it in hug. Just know it is there. Something a Mum and child should always have between them. An unfathomable feeling of love, no matter what happens in the child’s life or that of the parent. Especially, the Mum.

In my childhood I didn’t have that but made sure my children always knew I loved them. Give them what I never had, willingly and for my first child that was so easy. She was a perfect baby, a beautiful little girl, who without knowing, helped me through some hard times. Always made easier. As she grew, she changed, as an adult, she taught me to accept that unconditional love does not always go both ways.

Another thing I have been pondering recently, is how children grow up aso very different from their siblings. I brought both my girls up the same. I wanted them to be honest, caring, family orientated and kind. The most important of all those qualities is honesty. Very important to me for reasons I have given before.I find being lied to, insulting and so wrong. Being lied about is unforgivable. My eldest has been doing this for many many years. That is where unconditional love comes in. I forgave her. Every time she trampled over my feelings, caused trouble for me and my family here, stole from me when she lied to others and made me ill.Each and everytime, I forgave her. You do don’t you? That is what we all do when we love without condition. But I now believe that to be wrong.To be detrimental and grossly unfair. On so many counts.

The one thing we all have a right to, possible the only thing we have a right to, is the love of our mother. I didn’t have that but made very sure I gave that to my daughters. Forgiveness I believed was part of that. Forgiving a child when they hurt you. But not anymore. If a child , as an adult, treats you in such a way that you are hurt. Takes from you without a thought for the consequences. Tramples over your feelings and besmirches your name with their lies, why should you just let that go!?Why and how should you forgive? Where does it say you have to do this??

Does the definition of ‘unconditional love’ mean you allow them to treat you anyway they wish? Does it mean you just let anything nasty they do to you, any untrue stories they spread, any turning others against you, you just let it all go? Does it mean you must allow your children to treat you, in a way that you would never allow any one else to get away with and do nothing? Does it mean they can influence others with their lies and you have to just accept that? If it does, if all of the above, should be tolerated by us when done by our; children after we give them a lifetime of love, then please count me out!

Maybe to some, that makes me an uncaring mother,a mother who is not how mothers should be. An unfair Mother. Maybe to some, it means I don’t love unconditionally when I should. Maybe some of you reading this, feel shame about my saying this, about my own child. But think on. If someone does something you dislike, something that hurts you, something that causes you trouble. Something that if anyone else had done it, you would see it as criminal. If they ‘take you in with lies’ and spread lies about you to take others in. Is that right?.If they make sure they get something out of you then ‘dump you when they don’t want to answer your question about lies they have spread, so shut you out of their life.Is that okay? If someone you know, maybe a ‘friend’. An Aquaintence. A work colleague or a boss, behaved in this way would you just shrug and allow it? I am sure you wouldn’t.

I realise now at my great age, that loyalty is not a passage of right. But I also don’t believe it can be earned. I know families where family loyalty is so strong that people put up with the worst of treatments because of loyalty for family. I know of Mums who do the same. Put up with treatment they wouldn’t take from anyone else, but take it from their children. This can’t be right.

I now know it isn’t right and have taken this stand to hopefully tell other Mums’ that it’s actually okay. Okay to be angry with your kids when they do you wrong. That’s it’s okay to tell them off for treating you badly. That’ you don’t have to put up with bad treatment that you would not tolerate from any other person in your life, that you do, from your kids. It’s okay to let them leave your life, if the only way you can keep them is to allow the painful hurtful treatment that they dish out to you. It’s okay. If that makes me a bad Mum, so be-it. But it’s not my definiton of a bad Mum.

It’s okay to have love, that is conditional in some relationships. Really, it’s okay

Life is too short. I have spent far too much of mine, allowing the treatment of me,by someone because she is my ‘child’. No more. It stops now. It stops today! To allow the lies to keep coming, the stories being told to her ‘friends’ and some family, so far I have done nothing. No more!

Well there it is.A Mum sharing her true feelings, about time.

What is about Mothers, why do we just take behaviour from our kids that we would never take from any other human being?? Why do we take from family, what we would never tolerate from others? Please, if you are a Mum , if your child is still young, teach them to be loving , kind, caring and teach them that this begins at home. Teach them that sometimes their Mum will say No to them, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love them and that’s okay. That their Mum should be treated with respect, honesty and love. Don’t teach them that she can behave in a way they dislike without reason. Question it and that’s okay. Teach them that their Mum is doing her best and that she has feelings that they can easilly hurt. And that’s NOT okay. Most of all, teach them, that most unconditional love, actually does have conditions. And that’s okay also.

I have tried very hard to be accepting, accepting bad behaviour from family, without feeling guilty. Up intil today, saying any of what I have written here would make me feel horrendous guilt. But no more. Do others, who dish out dishonesty, lies about me, persuade others to think badly of me, feel guilty ? Of course they don’t or they wouldn’t keep doing it. So, no, not any more. If asked about the ‘whys’ etc. if asked about the truth, I will tell it warts’n all with no guilt whatsoever. Why should anyone feel guilty about telling it as it was or is. So, no. Not guilty at all.

Thankyou for reading. x