Uncategorized – Page 16 – carolannwright

The Before. The Event. And now.

Well here I am, updating after the ‘event’ as promised. Maybe a bit muddled as I am shattered, emotionally and physically. Yes, it was David who had the surgery but I feel as though I was there with him. I feel that although the cancer with a little ‘c’ was removed from him, something huge has been removed from me. Not sure what, can’t actually put my finger on it but something has happened to my psychological being. Relief I suppose could be part of it, not sure but I feel different.

The build up to the day was hectic, horrible and yet a kind of excitement hit us both. Just wanted it gone I suppose. We have known since last August that the cancer had to be taken out, we were becoming impatient and a bit scared that time was risking it spreading, but now assured, as it is so slow-growing, the time we waited was okay. We travelled down to Cardiff and everything was in place ‘here on the farm’ and we felt confident that the young man house sitting would cope. The hotel was comfortable, not the kind of place we would choose to holiday but I wanted something a little bit more ‘homely’ to be able to relax. We had a meal and went back to the room. That’s when I noticed a change in my husband, something I had never seen in his face. He is strong, emotionally and physically. He is pragmatic and his favourite saying is, ‘we are where we are’. But that night I knew he wasn’t where he wanted to be, neither of us were. He held onto me as we lay on the bed and ‘watched’ TV. Don’t know what was on and I don’t suppose he does. David has never been ill, never had an anesthetic or surgery since he was a baby. I had asked him if he was scared and he always assured me that he wasn’t. We made ready for bed in silence and them settled down to try to sleep. He placed his arms around me and held on tight. He always says how much he loves me but that night it was different. Almost desperate that I understood. We cuddled and stayed locked in the comfort of each other.

I managed about 2 hours sleep and I don’t think David slept much more and then the day we had dreaded was here.

On arrival at the hospital, he was calm. They took him onto the ward at around 9am and he came out several times to see me during the morning. Each time asking if I was okay and telling me he loved me. He was reassuring me and I tried to act normal but had forgotten how, nothing was ‘normal’. The consultant came in and took my man into the ward. After a few minutes he returned saying he was going now, to be prepped. He went but came back a few minutes later and kissed me and told me how much he loved me and I told him I wouldn’t leave the hospital and would be there when he came round. He gave me the strangest smile and went.

The rest of the day is a blur. My daughter arrived around 12 noon, we went for lunch but I couldn’t eat. We then went back to the day room for a very long wait.

At around 6.30 the nurse said I would be able to see him but they couldn’t stabilise his oxygen levels. I was terrified and shocked when I first saw him. I know these ops are ‘routine’. I know almost every one is a success but our lives of late have been anything but easy, anything but straight forward and I was scared. The what ifs’ came fast and furious and I felt about to faint. The nurse sat me down and reassured me that sometimes, after a long operation and a lot of anaesthesia, this can happen.I hadn’t told anyone about my heart scare, tried not to think about it. He looked grey and asleep but after my holding his hand for a while, he raised my fingers to his lips and I wanted to cry with relief. We left around 10 pm when he was exhausted and needed to sleep.

So, that is the update I promised. The surgeon says he saved the nerves on the right hand side but couldn’t on the left, where the cancer was. He also removed the peripheral flesh and lymph nodes , hoping , he said to remove any trace of the cancer. I do hope he is right and have to, at this point tell myself he has, removed it all I mean.

I know some reading this will think, ‘they can’t say that, sometimes it is still there etc’. But today, I have to believe that it has gone. I just have to.

Since coming home, the evening after the operation, even though they offered to keep him another night, life has been exhausting. I know it is the man who has the surgery, but believe me I went through it with him. We do, if we love someone, we wish we could take it all away but we can’t. Watching him in such pain, mostly from the gas, was so hard. Seeing him look so ill, hurt beyond belief and I felt helpless.The first night though, trying to get the catheter in the right place to drain, making him comfortable in bed as he insisted he wanted his own bed, was exhausting. I know it was much worse for him but having had no proper sleep for days before the surgery or since, I wasn’t at my best. But we got there.

Today, with lots of peppermint tea, thanks to the guys who suggested this, a few pain killers and getting used to having me wait on him, he is looking slightly better. The gas pain has subsided and we have actually been able to laugh a little. Mostly at the ‘pants’ I bought him, with lovely patterned lines. Quite sexy I thought.

I was however, not prepared for what happened this morning, after settling him onto the sofa, after walking him around for a while, I wasn’t prepared for the tears. David doesn’t cry but cry he did. I thought it was relief and I suppose in a way it was. I put my arms around him and he held on tight. ‘I didn’t think I would be here today’ he said in a tiny voice. I was shocked, scared, didn’t know what to say. After reassuring him that tears were okay, he explained that he was and had been terrified of the anaesthetic. We both know of someone close who had suffered badly. A friend of mine had died during an operation because of anaesthesia and another was left brain-damaged. I hadn’t thought about those people before his operation, self-protection I suppose, but he had. Now I understood the ‘change ‘ in him the night before the operation. We sat and just held on for as long as he needed. Then I thought, my David was back.

So, the operation is over and we are one step forward to kicking ‘cancer’s butt, but we know we have a long way to go. For all of those men going through this or about to, stay strong. Talk about your fears, tell those you love how you feel, as when you feel it. And for the wives, girlfriends etc. I admire all of you and know now just how hard it is. Let the feelings out whenever you can and as often as you need.

This is my journey so I can only tell it from my perspective and so far, it sucks! I am trying my hardest to be strong. To care for him and look after him properly. I still feel so unwell but am hiding this from him. The other thing I have to hide is my anger towards someone who should be here supporting us and has now, when we need it most, refused because of his pig headedness. Something that happened last July, at his own hand and his own choice, he has taken himself out of the family circle. I thought this would bring him back in, that he would see how we need all the support we can get, how my daughter also needs support, but no. I have to keep this from David and that is hard. So, I am , like all wives, carers, care givers, taking care of the man I love and protecting him from certain things and always will. I will do my best and cope as I always do. I won’t let him down and will love him through it all. ‘In sickness and in health’ is tattooed on my mind and heart and I do it willingly as he would me.

So coping I am. But sometimes, I just wan’t to crawl away and scream. Yes I am still angry. Yes I am still scared. Yes I am still sad that life for him is different, for now at least. That our life together may be different in the future. But I can’t show any of this and just hope I can find the strong lady, I know is inside of me, in spite of everything and do the best for the man I love. I will look for that quiet place, possibly up in the fields where my beloved horse has her final resting place and cry the tears that I so need to shed.

I will keep updating on my page. Thankyou for reading.xx

Forgiveness? The time has come…. or not.

These past weeks I have read a great deal about forgiveness. Something I have done, mostly for family, over and over again. But some things are just too big to forgive. The hurt that is inflicted, the damage that is done and the pain endured at the hands of another, are sometimes just too huge to deserve forgiveness. I have realized this only too often over the past 3 years. As a child I attended church and Sunday School and was taught that to forgive was paramount. At that time in my life, things were happening to me that should not happen to any child. I knew I had to try to forgive but struggled and asked God over and over to help me. He didn’t. Now as a woman, I will never find it in me to forgive those who hurt me, hurt little Carol Ann.

Likewise, the past events, courtesy of my daughter and sister, that have taken their toll and left me reeling and unwell, can never be forgiven. The time stolen from me over the past years, time that should have been given to David and my family here; but were wasted trying to make things right, trying to salvage my name, my reputation and my living, were all so wicked and undeserved that forgiveness does not come into it.

We, David and I, have wasted so much time on others, people and things, that I think now were not worthy of our time or our worry, but were thrust upon us in the cruelest manner. So, no, forgiveness is not in the plan except forgiveness for myself for wasting precious time and energy and allowing things to make me ill.

Life should be so different, this is possibly the scariest time of my adult life and I should be able to pick up the phone and gain comfort from family and friends whom I spent a lifetime loving unconditionally. But because of the lies and made up stories ‘family’ are not there for me or us. Now at least, some of these family will realise who is telling the lies and who is telling the truth, some comfort I suppose. My daughter is still lieing and protesting her innocence in her latest nasty against those she has deceived but, I hope, longer being believed.I have a few close friends, family who now know the truth but as a parent, as we get older, as we go through the trials of illness, we should be able to gain comfort from our children, as they always have from us when ever necessary.

David and I met after our children were part grown and he has been a wonderful dad to Marie and tried with Lisa but was not really given a chance, despite his every effort. These past weeks we have both stared mortality in the face and made some would say, selfish decisions.

We are a few days from David’s operation for Prostate cancer and have talked a great deal about our children, all of them. Me having this latest heart scare has brought back happy memories of my daughter’s childhoods but also all the nasties of the past 3 years.

Now it is all about us. I need to get myself well, have the Stent inserted asap, after David has recovered. We need to put ourselves first, concentrate on each other, something we have never done because of putting family first. We have also taken care to plan ahead so that our beloved ponies, who can live for 40 or more years, are cared for, together as a herd, when we can no longer look after them. We are working our way through our ‘tick’ list and putting our house in order so to speak. and then will begin our bucket lists. We will love each other through everything life continues to throw at us. Yes we will get frustrated, worn out, scared and angry but through it all we will share our pain with the thing that has helped us through every other trial sent to us, humour.

Don’t get me wrong. We don’t intend on going anywhere, well not just yet. But it makes sense,this one time, to make sure everything is in place . A ‘just in case’ that puts our minds at rest.

Currently I am only reading positive posts on my group pages, self-protection if you like. I have learned so much from other sufferes of PC and they have comforted me, given me insight and strength and also made me laugh. So important.Thank you all.

So. Wednesday will see us off to Cardiff, having left the house, stables and barn covered in post it notes as reminders to our young friend who is house sitting. We, David and I will stay in a hotel close to the hospital for a night of cuddles and comfort I hope.

Thursday will see us at the hospital bright and early, well early at least, and I will stay in the building until David is back out of recovery, that will be the first time I will be allowed to see him post op.

We hope and pray that the operation goes well and straightforward, no hiccups but I will be close, if needed.

Then Marie who will have joined me in the day, will take me back to the hotel and stay with me for the night.

Friday, if all goes well, Marie and I will collect David from the hospital and we will return home and recovery will begin.

I only have a phone that makes calls and receives calls so I won’t be able to update as some on here do. But I will get back to everyone asap after we are home, maybe the weekend.

We know there will be down times, trials and difficult times. Things we have never faced before but we will be facing them together. We still have a long way to go on this journey we never asked to take but will take each day at a time. We won’t be thinking of the ‘what ifs’, only concentrating on recovery and love. One day soon, we won’t be saying David has cancer but David had cancer.

Please think of us and send your good thoughts. But understand one thing cancer with a little ‘c’, we are gonna kick your butt!!

Thanks for reading and watch this space. xx

Just Want to Say, It’s okay.

My blog is late this week as I have been unwell but as it is a special day, I felt I wanted to write aso here I am.Please escuse any mistakes.

32 years ago, after walking away from a failed marriage and a few relationships short-lived, the last thing I wanted was a man in my life. I had two daughters, my cats and my little dog, 2 jobs and was struggling to keep all the plates in the air. Money was tight but I tried to provide all that was necessary for my little family. I had some very close friends and some health issues but all in all life was okay.

A friend of mine who was recently divorced, persuaded me to go ‘clubbing’. I had missed all of this in my early life and it was glamorous, exciting and fun. Dancing was something I loved and stayed on the dance floor for as long as possible. Then one night, July 19th 1985, I met a tall dark handsome stranger, just like in the movies. His name was David. He asked me to dance, to my surprise and amazement, as I thought he had been watching my friend Julie, a very beautiful girl, but no, he had been watching me. He then asked to take me out the following week. We dated for a while but split up twice, because neither of us wanted a relationship but always got back together and married 30 years ago this September.

We had some wonderful times and some not so good, these, mostly courtesy of family. We moved from Hampshire to Wales in 1996 when David was moved to Bristol with the MOD. I became very ill and was told I would never work again and could possibly become disabled. I wasn’t going to let that happen and investigated any way possible to get back into the work place. I have always loved people and always been able to talk to anyone and have them open up to me if they wished to. So I took myself off to college, then University and embarked on my current career. I gained a Masters in Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapy and opened my own practice. Wonderful years, especially working within the Valley communities of South Wales.

I wrote my autobiography that instantly became a Number One bestseller and life was good.Through all of this David was my support and encouragement. During the writing of my life story, mostly done at night when every one was asleep, I revisited the horrors of my childhood. This often brought nightmares and flashbacks. Again my husband was always there, holding me and keeping me safe.

In 2012, I was subjected to a nasty cruel hoax that continued for 6 horrific months and changed my life and my self-confidence and spoiled my peace. Then the following 3 years were the worst in my adult life with cruelty and bullying from ‘family’ as I have mentioned before. These were horrid times but my ‘rock’ would hold me while my heart broke, gently smoothing my tears.

The reason for today’s blog, is that through everything, good and bad, David has been there at my side. Hospital visits, of which there have been many. Animal losses, family and friend losses, always able to make me feel better.He has laughed with me, cried for me, held me and comforted me and has always given me back my ‘safe’. He has witnessed me at my worst and when my heart was broken by the very people who should have loved me.

Now on this Valentine’s day we are approaching the time for him to undergo Robotic surgery for Prostate cancer. That in itself is a scary prospect and he is being so strong. As I have said before, David doesn’t get stressed, he doesn’t worry and is always pragmatic. He sees the cancer as the bad apple in the fruit bowl and it needs removing. Then we will see if any of the ‘decay’ has affected any thing else.

The past few weeks , when I should have been there for him, I have been quite ill. We have spent 2 complete days in hospital, having scans, etc and my blood pressure dropped dangerously low. They have found the cause now, a blocked artery in my lower neck and last Tuesday they were going to send me by ambulance from Aberystwyth hospital to Morristons in Swansea, as an urgent case. I was terrified as you can imagine but all the time thinking of David’s op. How can I look after him when I can’t look after myself. Eventually it was decided that I could go home and wait. I am waiting. I have an appointment for a Vascular consultation to assess whether I need a stent inserted into the blocked artery. Bit frightening but nothing I can currently do.

So this week I have been scared for me, scared for David but realised that I was never scared for us. We have been through some horrible emotional times these past years and survived and we will survive this. Not sure how but we will. As long as our bodies heal, our love for each other and beyond that, our friendship, will see us through.

I also realize that I have been so worried about how we will manage this, how we will get through it, how I will be able to care for him, that it has helped make me so poorly. I am very hard on me and that has to stop. I am not superwoman and if I am ill, I am ill! I know that doesn’t help the situation but making myself worse by worrying won’t either. I have been so scared and felt ashamed. I have been left wanting and felt ashamed again. Felt helpless and inadequate and that has rendered me more scared and guilty. I need to put this right.

One of the most important things I try to do for clients, especially when they present with similar feelings, is to give them permission to feel the way they feel. To say its okay to be scared. It’s okay to be angry, frustrated, resentful etc. It’s okay to be human with all it’s frailties. To give permission removes guilt and helps the healing process,in clients with grief, sickness, trouble or pain. Today I give myself that permission.

Valentines Day is about love. It’s about showing that love and appreciating the little things. I have a wonderful husband who is always there for me no matter what. My being ill hasn’t changed that, never has and his having cancer has certainly not changed my love for him. If anything I love him more for his strength, his calm and his still managing to make me smile.

So to every care giver, I give you permission to have these feelings,but more importantly, give yourself that permission and life will seem a little easier.

Now, I am very tired but wish you all a good week and please spare a thought for us next Thursday when David has surgery with me at his side as long as I can be.

Thanks for reading. x

Revelation,remembrance and Acceptance

This past week has brought, joy, chaos and some very thought-provoking incidents. But along with those it has brought me to a revelation.

I have hankered after the past for a long time now, especially the past 3 years. I have loved and lost people, both to death and to estrangement and wished it were so different. I have missed my daughter and grandchildren, knowing of their lives and have been hurting beyond belief, grieving for a life that I am no longer part of.

Last weekend we had a visit from my husbands best friend, from Australia, second visit this year. This brought about a lot of thinking and talking about the past. We talked of people who have been denied the chance to be part of our lives because they died too young. We talked of those we love and the importance of our being loved, a fundamental need within all of us. Being loved is something we are never promised, but something we should have by right when we are first born.

Suddenly it was like all the lights had been switched on, inside of my head. The acknowledgement of where my need to have family love me,comes from. I always knew I didn’t have a mother’s love, that I wasn’t wanted, different from the other family members and it always hurt.I always hurt when some of my siblings spread lies and stories about me and have never understood why it hurts so much. But here I was, years later, acknowledging that my needs today, came from those unfulfilled as a child. Something happened inside of me and suddenly, it was all okay.

I have not been well for a while now, I have a chronic illness that is well controlled but this was different. I had dizziness, balance issues,headaches and fatigue. I couldn’t do the simplest of tasks without sitting down. When I stand the room spins around me and the floor seems to be coming towards my face. I become disoriented and nauseous.Preparing vegetables, on a high stool at the worktop. Sitting with my feet up whilst writing as I am now, today. I felt very ill and on Friday David insisted he took me to see my GP. After taking my blood pressure in both arms,I was sent straight to A&E and spent all day having tests on my heart, my brain, Carotid Arteries, CT scans on my chest and head. Blood tests, oxygen sats etc. etc. I had been waiting for a CT head scan but they superseded this. My blood pressure had been down in my boots. Ranging from 67/54 – 78/67 and they were worried. They discovered that my Right BP was a lot higher than my left and I am having a doppler scan and a heart ultrasound, sometime this week. So not a good week. We had David’s pre-op Tuesday so we are a little fed up with hospitals today.

I don’t know how much the past 3 years stress has contributed to this but it made me realise, that I have wasted so much time on things that I can’t change even though I have tried. Wasted time wishing my life was different, more like the life I envisaged at this stage, at the age I find myself at, and that wishing for that,is futile.Life is how it is. It isn’t the past. It isn’t the future. Life is today and maybe all we have.

Missing people only hurts more, thinking about them, only hurts more and is exhausting. I don’t have the energy now, I don’t have the strength and no longer want to waste the time. This past week has taught me a lot. I can see how much energy the past few years have stolen from me.

So. The revelation was this. The past can no longer hurt me. It has gone and I am all hurt out. I will no longer think of people, miss people who want no part in my present no matter how important they were in my past. Everyone and everything I need to use my strength for, need to concentrate on , those who want my love, need my love and deserve my love, my energy and my time, are here, with me , here ‘on the farm’.I will still stay in contact with my brother for as long as he is able to talk to me on the phone. I will try to see him again, I so want to . I know he is being cared for by his children and am thankful for that.

Sometimes we feel that things are just too big, too sad, out of our control and feel unable to cope. We need to remind ourselves how far we have come. Look back to other times when life has been unbearable, but we were able to bear it. The times that were horrific but we survived.

I was abused and unloved for the first part of my life,from birth,throughout my childhood and my early adult life. Horrific times but I survived. My later years were fraught with legacies of that abuse and governed by my seeking approval and love from those around me. It didn’t always come. But I survived. These past 3 years life has been hard, full of nasty cruel bullying by ‘family’ but I am still here. And now cancer and my health deteriorating. It has to stop! I have to ‘re group’ and say enough is enough!

David is my life, my rock and not only do I owe it to him to concentrate on being here for him, in every way, I owe it to us, as a couple. We have made sacrifices as parents do and this should be our time.I can’t afford to be ill, I can’t be ill and so have to get this sorted to be able to care for him like a good partner should. We have the rest of our journey to travel now, the PC journey and I will need to focus on that and my husband’s recovery. Of course,since his diagnosis I have known this but I have been so entrenched in the past, in people who have affected our yesterdays and my todays, that at times, he has not had my full attention. Well they will not affect my tomorrows. One day at a time I tell my clients. Stop thinking about what’s gone, stop worrying about what might be. Live today. I need to take my own advice.

So Carol Ann is, I hope, once this illness is diagnosed and treated, on her way back. I have said that before I know and have slid back, but no more. I will come back, but it will be different. I have read on my PC groups, of many partners, care givers who have health issues themselves and I wonder if perhaps we stop looking after ourselves. We need to do that to be able to look after our men. I NEED TO DO THAT!

I will continue to map my Journey’ in my blog and share my thoughts, feelings and emotions and I am sure I will slip back again but must not stay there.When I feel stronger, I will be selfish with my thoughts, be careful with my worry and generous with my love and time with the man I love. He is my priority.

None of us wanted to embark on this journey but we are here. None of us chose this path but as David says’ often’ ‘we are where we are’ and as long as he is still by my side we will walk tall, strong and determined. I have survived times I thought I wouldn’t. I have seen and suffered things no one should have and survived. We will survive this, together. Do I have a choice.? Yes, I could walk away. Do we as a couple have a choice? No. So that cancels out my choice. I married in sickness and in health and here I am, where I belong.At the side of the man I love.

Yes we are still being thrown challenges, tests in our lives together, some I don’t choose to talk about, but we will face them together.So far I have survived 100% of life’s challenges and we will, together, survive this one!

I hope this has not been rambling, I am touch typing it so as not to look at the screen very much, it messes with my vision. Thankyou for reading and stay strong. xx

Why Now!?Don’t need it! Don’t Want it!

Today is a bad day. I only usually blog on Sundays but today I feel the need to write. A few weeks ago I had a strange ‘episode’ in the night. I went to get out of bed and the room began spinning around me. The mirror on the wall behaved as though it were being chased and trying to catch up with the painting on the other side of the room. I tried to focus on one thing, as learned when dancing and having to spin. Focus on one spot and the spinning is bearable. Couldn’t do that and it certainly was not bearable. The spinning seemed to get faster and faster and was so scary. I had to wake my husband to take me to the bathroom. I couldn’t stand properly and couldn’t balance. He helped me and then helped me back to bed. HE HELPED ME! He has cancer and he helped me!! That just isn’t right! Even when I closed my eyes the room continued to spin. It reminded me of years ago, when I had possibly had too much wine, but now being tea total, that wasn’t the cause. It disoriented me and stole all of my confidence , this lasted most of the following morning.

A few weeks later, after a similar episode and because I need to be well for David, I mentioned it at my weekly blood test and my GP has ordered a head CT. He thinks it is stress related but needs to make sure it is nothing else. It could be inner ear issues, or stress Vertigo but whatever it is I don’t want or need it. Not now. Not when I need to be my strongest.

David has often nursed me through illnesses that I have had, after operations and comforted me through all the nasties by family, over the years. He is, as I have said before, my rock. And here am I, physically falling apart just when he needs me. This can’t happen! I won’t let it. But I can’t stop it. I know illness has no time agenda, I know these things happen but once again I am saying, it’s not fair! I want to be there for him, be at his side as he goes down to surgery and there when he returns. I want to be with him through everything and anything he may go through and I need to be fit and strong. But what if, I am ill at the wrong time? What if I can’t be there when he has surgery? What if…….

When my daughters were growing up and if they were unwell, I was there, no matter how I felt. Mothers do that , we just get on with it. I have always ‘got on with it’. So why can’t I now?!?

Here is the physical why. When these ‘attacks’ occur, I can’t stand unaided. I can’t see properly, I can’t balance. I feel sick and over hot. So am unable to actually look after me let alone anyone else. I am scared to go to sleep in case it happens so my tiredness is growing every day.

Emotionally and psychologically, I am so scared, that all the worry and stress, caused my ‘family’, my eldest daughter and youngest sister particularly, have rendered me so poorly I won’t cope.This vendetta against me,hasn’t gone away as I thought it would and hoped it had.

I write on here , as you all know, to help process things that happen in my Journey with cancer with a little ‘c.’ Last week, I had many likes and many comments and lovely words of encouragement and thanks for sharing my thoughts and feelings. One of the reasons for the blog is to hopefully help others who feel this way, or the way I feel. I want to say it’s okay to be scared, to be angry, to be sad. Being given permission is something I do in my work with clients. I see no wrong in what I write as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone and is the truth.

I was ‘told’ by my daughter Lisa, to remove the blog and stop writing about her. Not personally, not in an email but as a comment on my blog!. I won’t do that. For the past 3 years she has shut me out of her life, because of my honesty. The only contact has been through nasty lies on social media. She has caused me so much pain and hurt that I don’t recognize the girl who grew up with me and with whom I shared a great love.No emails, no phone calls, nothing. She wishes I were dead and has ‘replaced me’ with her evil aunt. I have accepted that now but am confused as to why, if she has ‘kept clear ‘ of me, her words, she is reading my posts and my blog? Our families give us most of our memories. Some good, some bad but they are there no matter what. Our past influences and impacts on our present. The things done to me over the past 3 years are the very reason I am so low and so poorly. If none of that had happened, I wouldn’t be so run down now and would not be afraid of not being here for my wonderful husband and wouldn’t be writing this blog. So I won’t remove anything and will continue to write as I need to, to help me cope with how things are.

I am scared today, for the reasons given above. The what ifs! I am angry that I am here, in this cancer place. I am angry that the man I love is having to go through what he is going to go through. I am angry that ‘family’ have rendered me this low.

I will close now with thankyou’s to everyone who wrote to me last week. On my posts or in pm’s. It means a lot. I want to send you all, ‘sufferers and care givers’, my love and respect on this journey none of us chose to take. Hugs to you all x

A Blog Of Two Parts

This has been a horrible week. Didn’t think life could get any worse but here it is, wallop, more bad news. As I said last week, I am alienated from ‘family’ because of the lies spoken by my eldest daughter Lisa and my youngest sister Trisha. The treatment dished out to me over the past 3 years have left me angry, hurt and broken. Just at a time in my life when I need all the strength to face the future here ‘on the farm’ with my husband. And now the prognosis of my beloved brother.Lisa and Trisha have caused me more damage, both as an author and as a woman, that I would have thought possible. The author part I have managed to repair, but me, well it still hurts beyond belief on a daily basis. After wicked lies and slurs on my page on Mothers Day by my eldest daughter, I felt ashamed to be her Mum.

Why I am surprised that she has now hurt someone dear to me, someone I love and have loved all of my life, someone who is now very poorly;why I am surprised? I don’t know. If she could steal and lie and cause so much trouble to me, her Mum, she could do it to anyone. I tried to tell him and ‘family’,how easy she found lying. How she couldn’t be trusted and how her evil aunt was feeding lies about me to her, that she knows are such, but is, for some reason believing and then telling family. But he trusted my daughter. He has always known that I am honest. Something he teased me about all my life. I suppose he thought ‘like mother like daughter’. As I have never hurt him, never let him down, he thought she wouldn’t either. But sadly, she is nothing like me. That isn’t being conceited, I am not perfect but I am honest and don’t tell anything but the truth.

There’s a saying about ‘the sins of the fathers…..’. I am experiencing the sins of my daughter. I am so ashamed and angry that she could betray someone so fragile and trusting and not turn a hair, so angry that it physically hurts. Any betrayal is bad but this one is huge. Now she has gone too far. We take our children hurting us, because they are our children. But now she has hurt and caused pain to those I love. Those who believed in her. I just hope his children can get back what is his. They cannot undo the harm done, the trust broken, but they can make her give him back, what she has taken.

But there is a positive here, I hope. Those who saw me as the bad guy. Those who believed all the made up stories about my trying to ruin Lisa’s adoption of a little girl etc. The lies told by Trisha about Lisa’s dad. The lies told by both, about me. Maybe, just maybe, these ‘family’ will now see these two relatives for what they are. Trouble makers, liars and thieves. Not easy for me to say about my own daughter but as she disowned me 3 years ago and said I was ‘dead to her’ it doesn’t matter. It is the truth.None of’family’ have given a thought to things they have said about me,lies, on social media over the years. So I am not going to dress up the truth.

The hurt I have been feeling for 3 years has now become so much sharper, so much deeper.I am hoping now that ‘family’, my nieces especially, will once more come back into my ‘family’ at a time we need to stick together and be as we always were.

As you can tell, I am angry, ashamed and embarrassed but I need to use the anger as strength, something that has been missing this week but previously has helped me deal with the other important things in my life, my main priority. My husband. The family and animal charges I have here.

Now back to the reason for the blog. My cancer journey.

It has been a hard week, with our little dog having surgery, to remove cancer. She is doing well and coping with the restrictions she has post op. I will know next week if there is any need to worry further, when the biopsy results come back.

We now have a date for David’s pre assessment and his surgery. Now it is real, the nightmares have returned. The fears of losing him have come back big time. I don’t show him,but in the small of the night, I lie next to him, listening to him breathing and loving him more every second. I want to pray but can’t. I used to pray a lot. As a child I asked God to help me, to stop the pain, the abuse, but he wasn’t listening. Often through my life I prayed, asking for guidance, reassurance but nothing. I prayed for my best friend during her cancer illness, for my eldest sister Georgina in hers. Again, he never heard me. During all the pain and hurt of the past years, I have prayed for it to stop or the strength to survive it. Nothing. So, no, I don’t pray now. I show David my love in every and any way I can. I talk about his condition, when he wants to. We read about it, when he wants to . He comforts me and I comfort him. But the huge hurt prevents me from showing how I really feel. The hurt of the past few days has taken over and that makes me angry.

My brother can’t help how he is, his illness, of course he can’t. But if David didn’t have his illness we could have visited Hampshire. So I am again angry at cancer! It Isn’t my brother’s fault I feel so ashamed of my daughter, of course it isn’t and as my niece says, it isn’t my fault, not my responsibility, Lisa is grown woman. But responsible is how I feel along with the shame and hurt.You ask any Mum if they would feel the shame because of the actions of their child. Of course they would!

When pain hits me, emotional pain, I used to go out to my horse, Star and sit or stand with her, feeling her strong warm body against me, breathing in her wonderful smell. It always helped me. She was my friend, my confidante, I gained so much being with her. Sadly she is no longer here. So times of huge sadness I will often go to her resting place in her paddock, our top field and talk to her. But the hurt this week, has brought back the hurts and betrayals of the past 3 years, the fear of the cancer in my wonderful man, the fear for the future etc. and I am too scared to do this. Afraid that if I do, I will fall apart and won’t be able to get back together.

I thought I was all hurt out. I was wrong. I am trying so hard to stay positive but it is getting so hard. I tell David I am okay. I have been told, on here by lovely concerned ‘FB Friends’, that David will be fine. I am almost sure Ellie will be fine. As for my brother, well that’s something I am still struggling to come to terms with. He is so far away. I so want to give him a hug.Distance sucks!

We have been putting together the things he will need in hospital, I have to stop myself from shaking. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to face the reality but somewhere, back in the depths of mind, I know it has to happen. But I can’t reach that far back. I feel quite inadequate today, not able to stop what is happening, not being able to take the cancer from David. Not being able to visit my brother, not able to make him better. I know in reality I can’t do any of this but for some reason think I should be stronger. Be the strong survivor my readers write to. The strong capable Carol Ann I used to be. But somewhere, once again, she has gone missing. I need her back. Not tomorrow or next week. Now! I need her now!.

Well there it is in all it’s glory. Angry, sad scared and hurt. Not bad for a Sunny Sunday is it. I should say sorry for such a post but I promised at the beginning of this journey I would ‘say it as it is’ This is how it is. A bad day.

Thank you for reading . x

Postscript.

I have had many viewings on this post and many private messages and emails so thought I would write an update.

Now the inevitable has happened and I have lost my beloved brother, those who believed the lies told by my daughter and her aunt, have realised who the liars are. Seen them for who and what they are. My nieces etc. have welcomed me back into the fold. Have accepted me back into the family and for that I am eternally grateful. I may have lost Tony but regained his and my family. Back to where I am glad to be and will make new memories.

Further postscript. . xx

My brother took his sister Trisha and niece to court and even though he died before the verdict was made, and although they were all found guilty, I am glad his family continued his fight.My daughter had to pay the money back and will now have a criminal record, something I tried to prevent. I had suggested that she settle before the final court case and sentencing but she ignored me. She is still my daughter and I was still hoping to help her see sense. We all know that my sister should have been punished and so should her boyfriend Ben who colluded, on the last court case, in placing all the blame on my daughter. They retracted their earlier statements that said the money had been a gift and said that ‘at no time had they thought it had been a gift’. Acknowledging that it had only been a loan. Leaving Lisa to face everything on her own. I had told my daughter my sister would ‘drop her in it’. I had warned her as soon as I knew Trisha was back in her life, after more than 35 years with no contact, not to trust her. But she did. I hope now she has learned a valuable lesson. Maybe now she will understand that I only had her welfare at heart, as always .I will always love my daughter, Lisa and her children, my grandchildren, Harrison, Jordan and Hannah and hope she knows that. I don’ t have to like her or what she has done over the past years. But love her, yes.

Postscript to my postscript.

This post has been visited so many times I am thinking of publishing it again but in more detail. I have tried hard to make peace with my daughter but again, failed. After everything she has done, to me I know Tony would have liked us to make things right. But after getting so close to doing so, she once again pushed me aside.I will never give up on her. Unconditional love means just that. My love will continue, forgiveness I don’t know. Until I can understand why she did the things in the past 6 years that she has done, especially what she has done to me,I just don’t know but was willing to move on, whatever that means. I think because she has told the lies told to her by my sister to anyone who will listen, it may be impossible for her to backtrack , so having me back in her life can’t happen. Only she can put that right. But I do need to know the whys and hows to prevent anything damaging ‘us’ again. One-day I hope she will see this and contact me. With Christmas upon us again, I hope memories of Christmas’s with me and our family, may make her rethink and get in touch. I can always hope.

My Pain. My Anger. My Page

To understand some of my blog, you need to have known about my earlier life.

7 Years ago, I wrote my autobiography. Because of the sensitivity of the content, I had to write under a pseudonym and let everyone directly involved in my story , know of the book. This I did . A year or two before this and the prompt for writing my story, I had become re acquainted with someone I had been very close to in my teens. Someone who was very important to me, and his family. I discovered that this family, who I had been told hated me, had always wanted me to be part of their lives. To be the sister they never had. At family occasions, I had always been the missing part. They talked about me and wondered how I was and what I was doing.I was both overjoyed by what this now meant but saddened for all those lost years. When I began the book I asked them if they were okay with it and was told to ‘go for it’, knowing that what I was going to write was the truth. Since the I have been welcomed to the family, a niece I never knew I had and brothers and sister in-laws. Making me a sister to 5 brothers, how lucky am I!

I don’t have ‘birth’ family around me, I live in West Wales they live mostly in Hampshire. I was always close to my brother and my two elder sisters, sadly the eldest died of cancer a few years ago. The second eldest has been fed lies about me and so has shut me out of her family. As I have said before because of my honesty, I lost my eldest daughter and grandsons and this has led to lies and stories told to the rest of my ‘family’ and me having no way of defending myself except on the first blog I wrote on here. I used to visit my home town regularly but because of our commitments here and ill-health, I haven’t been back for a few years. I miss seeing family especially my brother , the one I grew up with, Tony. Efforts have been made in the past to come between my brother and myself but we both love each other and so it did not succeed.

During the past 3 years, I have been told to take photos off my social media, to remove blogs and to stop saying how I missed people. Sometimes I have done this and recently I have not. I still have MY memories and no one is going to stop me sharing those. To stop this from happening I made my page private and took family off my friend list, explaining why.

I ring my brother every week, sometimes twice a week and recently he told me he had a fall and had been to hospital. I had not been aware of this as I am always the last to be told for reasons already mentioned. Being so far away sucks. I feel so helpless and cannot go to see him and help in his care, even though I now know it would not be welcomed by ‘family’.

Although I have taken steps to stop being ‘harassed’ on social media, especially at this time with all that is going on in my life, someone is sending my posts to a relative and this has led to my being,once again, TOLD to remove it and not to mention my brother on social media. The post was one where I expressed my anger at cancer. Having lost so many friends and family, now my beloved David having cancer, I found that my precious little dog has a cancerous growth that must be removed. In this ‘post’ I mentioned ‘my brother’. It could have meant anyone of my remaining 4 brothers. The person telling me, has caused me pain and nuisance, bringing more accusations of my trying to cause trouble. I don’t need this! I obviously thought, as I had been shut out of family life, everyone else would have known before me that my brother had been ill. I also did not think for one minute, that people who ignore my messages to them, asking about family, would still be monitoring my social media!!

So it has not been a good week!

I did begin, last Monday with being positive. I had read some lovely and some funny posts of the Prostate cancer groups I belong to, and many that had renewed my hopes for a positive result after David’s surgery. Tuesday was not too bad and I had been posting positive,funny and inspirational sayings and posts on Social media, trying to stay uplifted.

Wednesday brought us to the vet and the outcome was anything but positive. Ellie has a cancerous growth on her tummy that has to be removed this week. cancer once again. Hence the post on Facebook. They say things come in 3’s. Well I can count and three, this time round, it is. So let’s hope. Wednesday had taken me back to an all time low. Not only did it mean surgery for Ellie, but logistically it made me panic . What if David is called to surgery and Ellie is not recovered.?To understand my concerns,you would need to know my little dog. Coming from an horrific home, she is highly strung, very clingy to me and suffers hypervigilance. Is scared of any noise and constantly aware of her surroundings. We keep everything the same so as not to upset her. Her early life was so awful that it is still very much affecting her life now.We have made arrangements for a young man, who she knows but has not seen for a few years, to look after everything here. Now, could I leave her? Would David want me to leave her? Back to the what if’s bigtime. I was beginning to think of things going wrong in surgery, for her and for David. Then the fears returned in all their horrible glory. The what ifs took over and the message from my niece TELLING me to remove my post, just added to how vulnerable and angry I felt.

Bu then I wrote a reply to an email from my son, who also lives in Hampshire. It is usually me reassuring him but now the he is telling me. ‘just look at each situation separately, not as a collective. always here for you.’ That is where I was going wrong, again. Seeing everything as one huge hurdle, one huge worry, one huge hurt. I had to take them each as separate things, one at a time as my son said. Little bites, taking little steps, something I always tell clients. One day at a time. One step at a time. One issue at a time. That way the overwhelming becomes less.

So yesterday I began to put this in place. I am taking steps to make my social media as private as I can without losing those I love and those I know who won’t try to cause me anymore stress. I am writing letters to my children, a ‘just in case’ that was always going to be done. All of my children. That way I can use social media for the right reasons and get back to blogging as a way of de stressing myself and hopefully bringing some comfort to others.

Today, Sunday began with a very early phone call from Australia. Unexpected and surprising. My husband’s best and closest friend for more years than we want to think of, is coming back over here for a visit later this month. We did see him in the Summer and he was very upset when David told him about the cancer. He is not usually an emotional man but became very upset when he had to go home. He then wrote inviting us both to stay on his farm for Christmas and New Year. With all of our own animals and expecting a phone call re David’s surgery, we declined but who knows, one day. It was so good to see my husband smile. The past few days, I tried hard not to tell him about the latest ‘family’ stuff but he knows me too well and was concerned that I was upset about something else. I told him and he was both angry and hurt that people are making trouble for me at this awful time. But seeing Peter will make him feel a lot better I am sure.

So as the poster says, I will smile, I will act and I will pretend, just as I did as a child and a younger woman. Yes it is hard and family should be around me and I should be around them but it isn’t like that. Life is how it is and my priority is my husband and my animals ‘here on the farm’. Upbeat I don’t feel but I can pretend to be and who knows, ‘whistle a happy tune’ might actually work.One step…..

Take care everyone and thanks for reading. x

The Waiting and The Just In Case’s.

It’s been a hard week, waiting for an appointment for David’s assessment pre op. Long gloomy week. Even the weather most days felt heavy and low. He remains well and active as though there is nothing wrong with him. I think that the others on the group are right, the waiting can be the hardest part. Waiting for tests, waiting for results. Waiting for tests, waiting for results etc. etc. Now waiting for an appointment to assess his suitability for surgery. Waiting! Waiting! Waiting!

I have said in the past that I wish, we wish, at times that the PSA test had never been part of a routine group of bloods our GP did. Wish we could un-know what we now know. But we do know and we want the cancer gone! Of course in reality, we are glad the test was done before the cancer became inoperable and spread. But neither of us are very patient when it is something this important. But we have no choice,so we go on waiting!

This week has seen me at my worst. Very low on some days, high on others. But the lows, bring the self -doubt and are sometimes stronger than the highs. All of this has started us thinking of when we are no longer on this earth. Depressing yes but necessary, yes. We have re drawn our Wills. Making sure that when the time comes, if we have any of our beloved pets, ponies, dogs or cats; that they are provided for and cared for as we would want. I have made sure that my bequests are clear and that certain people will receive the things I want them to have. Special pieces of jewelry etc. All done ‘just in case’. I have found myself doing a lot of ‘just in case’ lately. I have made Memory boxes for my son and my daughters, both of them. They were started years ago when my eldest and I were very close; we were close for all of her growing up and most of her adult life. We fell out a few times, mostly because of my needing honesty from her but always made up after a little while. This was before the ‘poison’ was spread to her and the family. But I will continue with her box and when the time comes it will be hers. The estrangement still hurts and last night after thinking about her a lot, I had an awful dream that she was calling for me but not allowed to see me. I had a recurring dream that was similar when she was a child, when the woman they called my ‘mother’ and my youngest sister tried hard to turn Lisa against me. Eventually, 3 years ago, with lies, they have, or rather my youngest sister, has succeeded.

The dream was possibly because I found photos of her and her family on holiday in Tenerife. On return, her husband had told me of a trip they took to the top of a ‘mountain’, by jeep, he was driving. It had been a sheer drop the side my daughter was sitting and she was terrified, calling out for me,’ her Mum. We laughed at the time. How I wish she would call out to me now.

Yesterday I was made aware of something that has been said about me and my life and family, in response to lies written on Social Media by a family member. Someone I used to admire and who I thought knew me. The comments on her post, were made by people I have never met, people who know nothing about my life or about me. Believing these lies and adding their own opinions. How can you have an opinion of someone you know nothing about or a situation you know nothing about?? I feel sorry for them, they can’t be nice people. Possibly the kind who buy newspapers to read of the horrors, that are committed around the world. Not wanting to read about good, honest and kind people. Bad nasty news sell papers, I think these ‘believers and commenters’ are people who enjoy other people’s drama, true or not. If people want to know the truth about my life, as the picture above states, please ask me. No one else, just me. Others make us stories and tell lies to suit their own agenda. Most of the lies have been said by someone who has not been part of my life, or knew anything about it for more than 30 almost 40 years. The only person who knows about my life, is Me. But they can’t hurt me anymore. The past 3 years have left me all hurt out. I don’t need to make up stories of pain, hurt or worry, I have it in bucket loads, I don’t need to lie about anything and I won’t. Yesterday has to be put right there, yesterday and I need all my energy to fight today and tomorrow whatever it brings.

That’s enough of ‘family’, my little family here on the farm is all that is important to me now. David and my animals are my life and I am not going to give another seconds thought to those who choose to live outside of my life. Stay there, I can no longer afford to worry about any of you.

A few days before Christmas, in the middle of the night, I went to get out of bed and had a kind of ‘episode’, spinning around of the room, like being on a roller coaster. I couldn’t stand up or move much. It lasted quite a while and gave us both a fright. A few days later a similar ‘episode’. So because it was worrying my husband, I mentioned it to my GP at my appointment for blood checks and he is sending me for a brain scan. Scary? Not really, as I think it could be stress, as he first suggested. I am hoping it is nothing sinister as I don’t have time to be ill. I am sure it is stress, I have seen how worry and heartache can affect people, I see it all in my work all the time, and I have stress in huge amounts at present. So I am telling myself that that is what caused these ‘attacks’. That way I will stop worrying and adding that to my anxiety levels.

Back to the main reason for my blog. I have read many positive posts of the PC group this past week, lots of successes after Robotic surgery. Yes, some side effects but David and I just want the cancer with a little ‘c,’ gone so that we can get on with our lives. The brave men and women on this site, give me comfort, strength and hope. They bring me up when I am down and above all, some have made me smile. Thank you to you all.

We have also been searching the Internet for possible places to move to, downsize after recovery. Not sure where we will go yet, many possibilities and this has given us a focus to take our minds off the next few months.

Surgery, we were told, will be January or early February. David and I have gone through a great deal in the past 3 years, none of it good but are still here, still together, still smiling and still in love. So whatever the next few weeks bring, we are more than ready for it. Yes it has been a hard week but a new week ahead and I will make it a good one.

Thanks for reading and virtual hugs to you all, x

I Am Ready For You, Bring It On!!.

As the year crawls to an exhausted end, I usually reflect on what has happened during its reign. Do I want to do that? Not really but I will keep up my own tradition and that way maybe, just maybe the year will leave me feeling better than when it began.

This time last year I will have written about how 2015 had left me reeling. How members of my own family have hurt me and caused us all here, pain and unhappiness. I hoped 2016 would be better.

Hope wasn’t listening.

This year has been one of the worst of my adult life. I had thought last year was bad but it had nothing on the extremes of hurt, pain and fear I have experienced these last 12 months. At first, all courtesy of my youngest sister and my eldest daughter.

I began the year having been maligned and insulted on social media by so-called family. I thought that was as bad as it could get. I was wrong.

I wrote my autobiography back in 2009 and it has sold really well for the past 7 years. Again, ‘family’ stepped into my world, with lies and libelous statements to my publisher that left me with the book taken off the market and my contract terminated. Not to do with the book’s content but the disclosure of my real name by them. I was heartbroken. It was my life’s work and was helping so many people. Eventually, I found another publisher and a 2nd edition was produced and is now back selling. But the nasty taste this left in my mouth took a long time to go away. I have written about the ‘Truth’ of what happened in earlier blogs and so am not going to repeat myself. During this time I was at an all time low.

Because of family I briefly lost touch with my beloved brother but persevered and we are now back in touch, not quite the same but the love on both parts is still there.

Then we had Marie’s wedding, a happy affair, almost spoiled again by family but they didn’t succeed. The only light in a dark year.

The world was beginning to look better, life was picking up and David and I were about to embark on a new phase in our lives. The first time in 31 years we were going to be just us, a couple. No children to worry about, no one else to consider except each other and our beloved animals. We made plans, moving house, down sizing. Maybe even returning to our old home town. Life was good ‘here on the farm’.

Thankfully family stuff had stopped but not before lies had been spread to alienate most of my extended family. At first I found this devastating, like I had felt as a child. Lots of tears over people I know are not worth it. The heart doesn’t always understand that, even if the head does.

Then the worst thing of all. David’s diagnosis. A simple blood test and we found he had cancer. Our world was turned on its head and nothing has been the same since. Again I have written about this in earlier blogs but was not prepared for the ups and downs of these past weeks.

I had an early Christmas card from someone I was close to in college, we stayed in touch. She has cancer and is very poorly. A lady who has given her life to helping others and now she is on the other side of that. Not fair, not fair at all.

Then we lost one of our last two little cats, that was heartbreaking as her brother pined for weeks. We had a very sick pony and were sure we would lose her but thankfully haven’t.

There is nothing left in this coming year that could hurt us more than the fear we have had these past few months. We don’t of course know the outcome of treatment David will have but we know that he is having surgery to remove the cancer early in the year. After this, we will take each day at a time. Maybe they will get it all in one foul swoop so to say. That is the outcome we are of course hoping for. I have read everything there is to read about this cancer and the odds are good. I belong to 2 groups on social media and they have been supportive, patient and sometimes uplifting. I have read the good and the bad.

These past 2 weeks, I have again waxed and waned between feeling really positive and telling myself that he will recover fully and we will get life back on track. To the very worst outcome and that’s the thought that brings me to my knees. I have gone to bed, reading something nice to help me sleep. Doesn’t work for long, sometimes I can’t get any sleep and when I do, I have nightmares of losing him. Other times, I awake and stretch feeling okay and thump, like a sledgehammer, reality kicks in. Those days are the worst. Writing the nightmares and these heavy thoughts down, sometimes helps me get rid of these feelings. Not always.

Will I lose him? Terrifying thought

Will I be strong enough to do this with him?

Will life ever be normal again?

It that selfish? Possibly.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Maybe.

Am I being optimistic? Always! No choice.

Of course I don’t know the answers but I feel that the past 3 years we have had enough of the bad stuff to last the rest of our lives. My birth family have waged onslaught after onslaught but I am still here, still telling the truth and always will. David having cancer is the worst of everything 2016 threw at us. I remind myself of where I came from. I remind myself that I have 100% track record of survival. So I will survive this coming year, and if I don’t, it won’t be for lack of trying!

Gloomy reading isn’t it. Sorry but that’s how its been. I have tried to find some positives, some really happy but can’t today. I have read so many posts on social media that say the same 2016 was a horrid year. If you look around the world, read the paper, see the news, the world has been chaotic this past 12 months and so why would it be any different for me.

So, whatever 2017 has in store, I am ready for you! Family, cancer, truth or lies I am ready and I will kick you all into touch!

So let’s see the demise of this horrible nasty cruel year that called itself 2016 and face its successor full in the face and tell it, ‘we are ready, bring it on’. Let’s not mourn for it, let’s not look back, let’s take out any good bits and place them safely away and throw the rest out with the garbage.

So my wish to anyone reading this is , is more than Happy New Year. Its that 2017 brings you better health, strength to face whatever it throws at you, fortitude to carry on and lots and lots of love.x

Happy New Year all and Thankyou for reading. x

Christmas Past, Christmas Present…….

As a child my Christmas’s were not good. As a young Mum Christmas was time I loved. Giving is something precious to me and very important. Whether it be gifts, cards or hospitality, giving is my idea of Christmas. But the most important gift we can give to anyone is our time. As a little girl I enjoyed watching my siblings open their presents, my brother; the year he had a new bike, something I had asked for, and my youngest sister, who wasn’t old enough to ride a bike, had a bright gleaming red one. I didn’t. But seeing the joy on their faces, made me feel happy.This was the theme as my brother and sisters know. I soon learned to enjoy by proxy, not good for a child but I had other things on my mind and watching them unwrapping their presents, in anticipation ,took my mind of what was happening to me. So it became a time for giving and I gave as much as I possibly could to my daughters, too much perhaps. We always had a happy fun-filled time and I loved seeing my family happy.

This year more than ever I see the importance of time. None of us know how much we have. It isn’t endless, the bank of life can run out much sooner than we think. We can’t pay in to it, we can’t earn interest, we can only appreciate what is there and we never know when the account may become empty. This year I am making an effort to invest only in sureties. No speculation as I have had these past 3 years. No hoping the return may be better than I had anticipated. No looking for credits in my life that I had prayed for but never received. This year, I will treasure what I have in my ‘account’ and not waste anymore on fruitless efforts or investments. Wasting our Life Account is futile and heartbreaking. Life and time are precious and we will never get the investment back.

Bit confusing? Not really.

Back in 2013 I lost contact with my eldest daughter Lisa Jayne and her family through trying to keep my integrity. I have spoken of this in earlier blogs. Things became very fraught and nasty and earlier this year especially Mothers day, she and her aunt stole from me the most valuable of fragile things, my time. They ran a vendetta that made me ill, took me away from my husband in person and in emotionally. All my energy, thought process, all my emotional investment went into trying to get them to stop. They ruined something precious for me but most of all stole me from my wonderful husband in spirit. That is unforgivable. Yes I suppose I allowed it to happen in a way, trying hard to make things right, to let other family members know the truth but none of that was worth it. They destroyed part of me, leaving me vulnerable, weak and poorly. I will never get that time back. I will never get the past 3 years of pain back and for that I am so sad.

This Christmas is going to be hard as the past 3 have. Without my family, my daughter and grandsons, it has never been the same but I can’t change that. This year with David’s operation looming it will be very hard to be upbeat and happy. Christmas is the silly season but this year is anything but silly. Christmas is a time for rejoicing and sharing. I don’t feel like rejoicing and I wouldn’t want to share my own feelings with anyone. Except I can, on here.

I could mope, I could say let’s forget about it, let’s not celebrate, as I felt last year but that would mean they, my evil ‘sister’ and co. had won. This year it would mean that cancer had won. That ‘aint gonna happen!

The views from my study window are breathtaking, I used to bore people telling them this but it was the truth. I see no beauty now. I try. I stare out at the hills, see the sunrises and the sunsets but nothing warms my heart. Times like this, Christmas, you need those you love around you. You want the children that were yours, all grown up now with their own children, near to you, close. What you don’t need is hostility, unkindness and hurt. If I could change this I would in a flash but I can’t. If I could take my beloved David’s cancer for myself, again I would in a heartbeat. But I can’t. So I haven’t been able to see any beauty in anything and I know I need to find how to see it again.

I need to have the expectations that I gave my daughter when they were children, I need to find excitement I gave them in the build up to the silly season. I want to feel the joy in giving and help us all through this difficult time. So far I have failed to do this. But I will.

As I sit here typing with my dogs at my feet and my solitary cat asleep on the bed, I remind myself of how much love we have here ‘on the farm’. David loves me, I know that. He is always here for me, making me smile, making me laugh and holding me when I cry. He never misses the chance to grab a kiss or a hug and always kisses me good night at the end of every painful day. I am here for him comforting, encouraging, loving him and always will be. I can’t make it all go away but I can make this Christmas the best ever, I need to do this for him, for us. When I asked him what he wanted for Christmas he told me that I couldn’t wrap it up. When pressed for a sensible reply he said ‘All I want is to have you here with me’. How can you answer that.

So, this year we don’t have all we want. I don’t have the family I want here with me. David, although very well in himself, no symptoms or signs of illness, doesn’t have a healthy cancer free body yet. So we don’t have peace of mind and are still in a bit of shock from the past few months revelations.But we have lots of love, for and from all our charges here, the rescued ponies, the ‘bought’ ponies, the 25 Mallard ducks who come every winter, the 3 new More hens, Shamaz, the stray cat that lives in the barn, our beautiful Luther black cat and our two amazing little dogs. We also have a wonderful daughter and so we have so much more than a lot of people. Yes Christmas is proving hard but we have to pull through, if we don’t it will be a victory for everything and everyone who is against us.

As a child I dreaded this time of the year, I knew it would be hard and that is why I became a giver, being a receiver always left me disappointment so giving became my pleasure. I have to find little Carol Ann, learn from her, get her to remind me what is important in life. Sometimes, times like today, I forget. Time, that is what it’s all about, giving that to the people I love. Being there for them, letting them cry with me or to me, letting those I love pour their worry out to me and be able to hold it and comfort them. Not allowing others whose lies and nastiness stole so much of my past years, steal any more. Being a giver again is what will be my salvation this year and my resolution for 2017. Then I will see the beauty again and next year had better watch out. When I am strong, I am very very strong, my past has taught me that. So cancer, so ‘family’ watch this space!

If I believed in Christmas wishes I would wish for this.

Prostate cancer and all cancer, to be a thing of the past.

My family reunited in love and kindness.

Peace for everyone.

But wishes don’t come true so it’s down to me!

Have a wonderful Christmas everyone and don’t worry about what tomorrow may bring, that is wasting this precious gift of life and time.Be happy in today and enjoy memories of years gone and make memories for those to come. Give your time to those in need but don’t allow others to steal it from you. you need it all.

Thank you for reading. x