Change. A Force for Good, or Not?

Today, something happened, ‘here on the farm’ that made me look at how life changes, sometimes serving us a curve ball, sometimes unexpected, sometimes expected but not wanted.We may not always be where we either planned to be or wanted to be, at certain times in our lives. Emotionally or physically, life may not have been what we had envisaged or planned. Life can get in the way of the best laid plans. People can behave in such a way that affects how our life pans out. Change happens. People change. Circumstances change. Change happens.

To be where I am today, is not how I had planned my life. I have spoken of this before, I know, but bear with me. I always thought, as I was bringing my children up, that one day, this day, I would be surrounded by grandchildren, always having a full house, busy helping them with whatever was needed. Relatively healthy and happy with myself and my lot. Well, I have no grandchildren as such in my life now, having been denied that by my eldest daughter but I do have contact, albeit brief, with my eldest grandson and for that I am grateful. I had always hoped that my ‘dysfunctional’ birth family would all have grown closer and they would be a big part of my life, our life, since I met David. But that has not and will not happen. This is the reality, so not as I had imagined. Life happens and this is a change that didn’t, my family getting closer I mean. This is reality, life happens and can get in the way.

As we grow older , we ourselves change, that is a given. No choice. Sometimes for the better sometimes not. We change physically, we can do less, or struggle to do what we have always, done, well in my case anyway. Psychologically we change and have to accept that life is now different. We change physically and psychologically but not always emotionally. I cannot do the things I could always do and struggle with that, it annoys me, gets me down and sometimes makes me a bit angry, or frustrated at least. Inside I am still capable of everything I have always been capable of doing but my body has other ideas and often says No! I do argue with it but not always succeed. 

My darling husband is still the man I married, still the man I love but he too has changed. Since his operation for Prostate cancer, he doesn’t have the same physical strength, not as much energy and although the spirit is always willing, sometimes the flesh is weak. Or weaker, this makes him cross and frustrated, or did, and for a short time, made him doubt his manhood, but no longer. With a great deal of encouragement and love and support, he now knows and accepts his limits. Something I never thought would happen. But in his words, as life goes on and changes happen, we could just sit and bemoan our situation, but he says ‘we are where we are and we are both still here’ At that point, all is well.   He is still my man, my rock and the man I married, albeit a bit different as our life is, but still my David. Another change that I have spoken of, is he is more emotional, more able to share his feelings and accept his feelings with no embarrassment. That is a huge positive change and all of this helps him accept that although our life together is different, as it is for many who have survived the journey PC takes us on, life is still full of love and yes, laughter. So all is well.

These past years have changed me. With every loss, there is a change. Every grief stricken day, makes me slightly altered as a person,than I was the day before. Physically I am not as capable and that I find hard. Because of the past few years of stress and hurt, I am no longer able to take the stresses and strains of life in my stride, a change I dislike immensely.After my ‘meltdown, breakdown, last September, I feel far more fragile than I am comfortable with. I am working hard on this ‘change’ to change it back to how I was. I did for a while, after losing my eldest daughter and grandchildren, feel very hard done by, robbed in fact, of the life I had planned. But in order for me to survive, to live a worthwhile future, I now accept that I have done all I can to make that right and didn’t fail. It just wasn’t to be. To make things right, both parties have to want it. But I tried and now accept how it is. As David says, ‘we are we we are’.

Another change in my life is that I have now retired from my role of Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist. After having pneumonia last January and not recovering well, I hadn’t worked. I intended to go back to the job I love but September showed me I shouldn’t. I need to put all my energy into my family here, my ‘role’ as mum and wife and to for the first time, look after Carol Ann. So no more counselling I am afraid and have to accept this.Another big change. I haven’t however, stopped working all together as I intend to concentrate on my writing. 2 books in the making and an update of my children’s books.I also have animals to be be more active in the care of and enjoy. 

One of the big events in life and something that changes us all, is the loss of those we love. These past years have seen many losses , my brother who I loved so much, my ‘Mum and Dad’, many ponies and my little Ellie Mae. Each loss brought about fundamental changes for me. Sometimes positive, sometimes for a while, negative. But changes. Losing Tony was like losing an arm or a leg. I didn’t at first know ‘how to be’, how to behave. Until I accepted his death, I was lost. When Ellie Mae died, I was bereft, unable to imagine her not being around but once acceptance had been allowed to happen, I grieved for both and began to heal. But I felt different, a change I never wanted but had to happen.

The world is continuously changing, it has to and we can do nothing about it. Heads of countries, politicians, may decide on changes that affect us, without our input. We ‘reap’ the rewards or suffer the consequences. Nature is continuously changing, Spring to Summer, Summer to Autumn and then to Winter, with no help or hindrance from us. Each season brings it’s own beauty and it’s own problems, but it continues to change. What we need to do, what I need to do is to concentrate on where we are in our lives. Who is in our lives.

For us, what lies ahead? A new home, a new way of life, more time for David and I to enjoy I hope. This will be a positive change. Although we have loved our life ‘here on the farm’, we have to accept the ‘ravages of time’, the changes that life throws at us and either moan about them or embrace them. I choose to embrace. 

So change can come as a shock, sometimes at the very time we don’t need it. It can come slowly, can be influenced by ourselves or others, or circumstances. Change can be seen, by ourselves, as not good, not wanted.But whatever we do, one thing is certain, change will come. In life we may meet certain people who can stop us in our tracks, behave in ways we don’t like, ways that are wrong and we hope they will change. My husband has always said, ‘people never fundamentally change’. In my professional life I have always believed that everyone can, the essence of CBT. Change. I now accept that sometimes people don’t, maybe they can’t, but accepting life as it is, people as they are, has helped me come to terms with how my family life is now. And that’s okay.

Prostate cancer changed us both, as individuals and as a couple. We had to learn a new way of being, if that’s not too profound, a new way of sharing a new way of loving. It tested us both to  our limits, sometimes I thought and felt I had reached mine and was not sure I would make it through. But I did. Different yes, changed yes but the one thing that didn’t falter, didn’t change, was our love. Well actually maybe it did. It made us stronger. Coming so close to losing my beloved husband, showed me how much he meant to me, how lucky I am to have him by my side. It made me grateful for every minute of every day with him. We were the lucky ones, PC was caught in time but we never lost sight of what might have been. How quickly life could have been snatched away and how our lives could change in a hugely negative way. At that point our love did change, I see that now. I gained a whole new respect for this man I married and he said he did for me. So sometimes, out of fear, worry and illness, change can bring about a huge difference in how we see and value life.  Change can be good, we know that only too well. 

So life isn’t how I thought it would be. My family is smaller that I envisaged but small is good. It’s not the quantity but the quality. The love we share is immense, what we have is wonderful and I will spend the rest of my life loving and caring for those around me and accepting any changes that come my way. So life, bring it on!

Thank you for reading x

Author: carolannwright

I am a Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist and author. I live on a beautiful smallholding near the Welsh coast with my husband, daughter and ponies, dogs, cats and ducks. An wonderful peaceful place to live. I have a Masters in Counselling CBT and run my own private practice where I see a diverse group of clients. View all posts by carolannwright