A Thank you. An Explanation and a Warning. ‘There but for the Grace……’

This blog is my first for a few months. Because my presence on Social Media has been noticed and by some missed, which came as a great surprise to me, I feel the need to explain my absence.Of course I could just say nothing, or say I have been far too busy;that I have been away;that my Internet has been out of action but none of that would be true and honesty, as you know, is important to me. So do I say, I have been unwell and leave it at that? Give my illness a physical title, a name? Say I have had flu or something similar? No, I will say none of the above. I intend to tell it as it was, just as I promised a few years ago when I began blogging.

I want to start by thanking everyone who has commented on my page, messaged me or emailed me wondering if I was okay. I will try and get round to you all soon but for today, I will explain here, in my Sunday blog.

Yes I have been ill, very poorly. In this year of Mental Health Awareness with royalty, celebrities,sportsman etc. all disclosing how they have fought and in some cases  are still fighting, Anxiety, Depression and other emotional illnesses, little did I think, that as a Health professional for more than 22 years, I would be joining them. I should have seen it coming. Having bad dreams, when able to sleep. Reluctant to go out, loss of confidence and self belief. Feeling physically stressed all the time, hurting everywhere and the deep sadness I felt,some days was hard to handle. Family had noticed  a change in my behaviour but said nothing. I knew I was physically worn out, the bout of pneumonia in January showed that and my consultant asked if I had been under any prolonged stress.None of what I am writing is for sympathy, I don’t want that, I would like understanding and a commitment from readers that they always seek help and talk about how they feel.

We are all being encouraged to talk about our worries, our fears, our emotions, For goodness sake, that is part of my job, making others aware of the importance of doing this. But I didn’t. I played out my pain on here, received a lot of support for which I am so grateful but still became so unwell.So today, here I am talking about it, talking about the past few weeks/months, years that have rendered me dysfunctional. Talking about the importance of mental wellness, to prevent mental illness.

As some of you who have followed my blogs, you will know how difficult the past years have been. For those who have’t I will precis that awful time.At the end of 2012, after being entrenched in a horrid online hoax, I lost my best friend Mo. Cancer has taken so many of those I loved.Since 2013 I have been estranged from my eldest daughter and her family because of my need for honesty and integrity. This all got out of hand and some will have seen it play out on social media, something I regret so much. I have spent the following years trying to put things right, fighting to clear my name from the lies and stories told to anyone who wanted to listen, on SM and in person. I worried, fought, defended myself and struggled the whole time with emotions that were all out of control. I had to try, or rather, I felt I had to try and make people see the real me, not the one ‘family’ portrayed on here. Defend myself from the gossip and lies told that were, looking back, so stupid and nonsensical that no one who knew me, would have believed anyway. I now know that even it they did, I know the truth, my family know the truth so nothing else matters. Because of lies, my very successful autobiography was taken off the market, but this was a battle I eventually won and it is back where it belongs and still selling well.During this onslaught, I lost my eldest sister and my surrogate mum. I had a cancer scare and you all  know how that can affect you.At the very worst of this time, the worst of the onslaught by family, my darling husband was diagnosed with Prostate cancer and none of us knew how that would play out. Lots of worry, waiting and stress for us all. Still the nasties came, no respect for him, no thought for an of us.Anyone who has a loved one with PC will understand my blogs at that time.Since then I have lost my beloved brother, my surrogate ‘Dad’, 7 ponies and my little Ellie Mae my dog and a much loved cat. With each ‘event’ I thought I had coped with but I was wrong.

Every year, when Davids’ PSA test comes around, the anxiety levels reach a whole new peak. September would bring that again and I was dreading it.Thankfully, his test proved undetectable. Even without all the things that were happening in my family during our journey with this scary and unpredictable disease, the fear is real and if not talked about and acknowledged can cause you to become ill. Please talk about them,find someone who will understand, talk on here, anything but don’t keep your fears to yourself please.

As I was recovering, earlier in the year, from pneumonia I realised just how tired I was. As I became stronger, or thought I had, I began thinking back over all the losses. The futility of the nastiness within the family, I determined once again to try and put things right. I failed. Even at our lowest point as a family, David having cancer, the online stuff didn’t stop, so I tried to make it stop and try and rekindle my relationship with family. I have managed that but not with my daughter.We don’t only lose people to death, grieve their loss, sometimes grieving for someone who is still living is as hard, if not harder. The acceptance just doesn’t seem to happen.As September approached, always a hard month, my eldest daughter’s birthday and my first grandsons. This year was harder still as it was a year ago in September that my ‘Dad’ lost his fight and left us. As the days went on I felt more ill by the day, couldn’t actually identify how, but just ill and so very tired. I wasn’t functioning,couldn’t enjoy anything, wasn’t sleeping or eating properly and I collapsed with complete nervous exhaustion resulting in abject panic, fear and depression and unable to function. 

I should have seen it coming but I didn’t. I realise now that over the past years, being so hurt by everything, having so much loss, had been taking bits of me, slowly and rendering me a shadow of the woman I had been. My self confidence was rock bottom, my self love and self esteem even lower. My body had been under so much emotional and psychological stress that it had said, enough’s enough’ and almost stopped working. Scary, to say the least.I now understand what David had said all along. He would say, ‘ignore what they are saying, we all know the truth. Don’t engage with them, don’t play their games’ . But he also knew how much I love my daughter and grandsons and so understood why I was reacting the way I did. I also know that I should have responded and not reacted because being so hurt, the sadness came across as anger. ‘anger is sad’s bodyguard’. But my doing this set the scene for more nastiness and other people who didn’t even know me, becoming involved. It was out of control and I should have known better, should have closed it all down. But I didn’t. 

A Warning.

Stress kills. If it doesn’t kill you it can kill parts of you, rendering you helpless and hurting. Caring too much about what others think or say about you, can make you physically unwell and leave you emotionally empty, damaged. It reminds me of a blog I wrote about PC, asking wives and partners to make sure they look after themselves whilst caring for their partners. PC affects both of you, in different ways obviously but just as severely. Take care of you first to be able to care for him. In my work I often tell carers to make sure they have put their own oxygen mask on before trying to put one on the person  they are trying to care for.Sometimes we care too much. Forget that we are also human with all the vulnerability that brings. The past years , allowing people to get to me, struggling with worry, hurt, pain and loss has brought me to my knees.

Why did I ‘break’ when I did? Not sure but I had reached out once again to my daughter only to be rejected and I think that might have been the last straw.

For the past 22 years, I have worked helping people who were suffering from stress, anxiety, depression and other emotional psychological illnesses. I am good at what I do because I believe in it and love helping those who have lost their way or need support. It is something I am very proud to have been able to do. Every client who shared their stories, their pain, their fear, grief or loss, made me feel humbled and privileged. Although I often heard horrifying , sad heartbreaking stories of their true lives. I learned so much about myself. I wouldn’t have missed a minute. Now is the time to heal me.

Life is beginning to feel a little better today. I am back in touch with my eldest grandson and that feels so good.From earlier this week, I have begun teaching myself to change all my negative thoughts to positives, something that is life blood of my professional role. I taught others to do this over and over, I need to do it for me and it is is so hard. The thoughts just seem to come uninvited into my tired mind. But I will get there, I know I will. I need to learn that if I can’t change things, to accept them. When I miss someone, to remind myself of happy memories, good times and focus on them. To stop my when my body is tired and or my mind is telling me to. Sit and breath, enjoy this wonderful place we live in and let the future take care of itself. Love those around me who love me and don’t think about those who don’t. Hard yes by necessary. I need to  bring Carol Ann back and take care of her. 

So what I am saying  is, talk to people when you feel stressed. Respond rather than react to what others say. If you feel anxious, stressed or depressed, talk to someone about it. Find a trusted friend, a doctor, your practice nurse, someone who can help you identify your worries and help ease them. You know, if you push your body too hard, it might break. The same goes for your mind. And believe me, that is really scary.

This realisation of being mortal has made me make a decision to retire. I will miss my work but have not been able to do it since Christmas and feel it is time now to stop.So as I get stronger, I aim to enjoy life ‘here on the farm’ while we are still here and accept that life is now, not yesterday, not tomorrow, now. And now is actually okay.

Thank you for reading. x

Author: carolannwright

I am a Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist and author. I live on a beautiful smallholding near the Welsh coast with my husband, daughter and ponies, dogs, cats and ducks. An wonderful peaceful place to live. I have a Masters in Counselling CBT and run my own private practice where I see a diverse group of clients. View all posts by carolannwright