A Tale of a Tiny Soul Leaving a Huge Hole. Ellie’s Story.

Today’s blog is for me, Carol Ann Something I need to do. I apologise for those who don’t understand but not for my feelings.Please only read if you think you can understand grieving for a pet.

I haven’t written for a few weeks, too much pain, too much grief and sadness ‘here on  the farm’. We had only just got over losing Oliver my pony and knew that Ellie Mae did not have long. But even though we knew that, when it came it hit me harder than I had expected.

10 years ago, when Cody was a little 3 year old, he lost his pal, Cassie, who had always been there with him. He was devastated and so we looked for a companion. I was hurting so much as we do when we lose an animal and really didn’t want another. But Cody refused to eat and was so unhappy that we relented. His need was greater than our feelings. I promised myself that I would not love her.If I didn’t love her, when the time comes to lose her, it won’t hurt. How stupid was I! She would be his pal and that was all. I still don’t know how she managed to creep into my heart but she did.

The house where went to to see her, was horrible. Dirty and the pups were in a huge room that had a shiny wet floor, I thought the woman had just washed it but soon realised it was wee. The puppies were all in a cardboard box in a corner, not normal for healthy puppies and that was the minute I wanted to leave but couldn’t. There were no toys and no dishes.We asked to see mum  by which time, all of the pups except for one, came over to us. I knelt down and fussed them. The woman who owned them said Mum was not friendly. I asked why she was not with her babies, the reply was that she was nasty to them. I then asked about Dad as I had seen 2 adult Shih-tzu’s through the window. They had horribly tangled coats that  had been kind of clipped . The woman brought the mum in but said she could not put her down as she didn’t like people and couldn’t be trusted with the pups. A man brought ‘Dad’ in and we were told the same about him. All kinds of alarm bells were ringing and I wanted to run but take all the dogs with me. I knew this was impossible and stood up to leave. Then I thought I could at least rescue one. I decided to pick them all up, 5 of them and then put them down again. If any of them stayed by me or returned to me, I would take them home. They all rushed back to the box except for the tiny one. She came over and pressed herself against my foot. I bought her and left. I felt so guilty and being a member of Shi tzu rescue, reported the home to them and they took it from there. 

As soon as I picked her up, she snuggled  in and fell asleep. On the journey home, this poor little pup became very agitated, we stopped and gave her some water, she passed out. I was so scared. But she soon came round and we continued home. We called her Ellie after a lovely lady I used to care for. Ellie Mae had joined our family. She had all kinds of problems, a tiny pin prick of a nose that made breathing difficult and we thought she might need surgery, a front leg deformed so that is turned the wrong way and often collapsed under her. We were told she was possibly interbred and to be aware of issues with  her temperament.

She settled in very well, Cody adored her but soon realised who was boss. I didn’t think I would love a dog again as I had loved Cassie but soon realised that Ellie had stolen my heart. She was a determined little creature, I believe that is what brought her through all her trials in health. She was funny, intelligent, bossy and had an attitude that was befitting something far bigger that her. She was tiny in stature but huge in presence. She loved hard, was possessive of her favourite bear that was given to her on arrival at our home. She loved fiercely and became very protective of me and her boy Cody. She had some quirky ways, funny little things that she did that made me smile every time. I realise now that one of the things she did might have had memories for her of where she began life and so were not funny in reality but was funny to watch. She would creep very slowly up the water bowl, like slow motion movements and then drink. Maybe the wet shiny floor of her first ‘home’ came back into her head. I don’t know. Ellie Mae, the only name she came to or acknowledged, not Ellie but only Ellie Mae, enjoyed life to the full. I have so many memories of this tiny little dog with a huge heart that I will keep forever. The way she would try and eat Cody’s dinner, any tit-bits that were going before eating her own. She knew he wouldn’t steal hers so knew she was onto a good thing, if allowed. She would bark at anyone and everyone. Would not allow anyone to come close to me in our home. Difficult when the doctor had to visit, she had to be shut in another room. I think she thought her job was to keep me safe. Maybe it was. Whenever I was up here, in my study, Ellie would be here at my feet, next to Cody. Now there is only Cody and he and I are lost.

In 2016 I noticed a lump on her tummy and took her to the vet. They were suspicious it was cancer and we had to take her back for surgery. Unfortunately the vet only removed one lump although they had seen another one but we were not told this and when we did feel it January 2017 we took her to another vet and arranged removal. Sadly after the pre -med, her heart stopped and they abandoned the operation. We were told she had about 7 months to live and to make the most of our time with her. This was the same time David was to have removal of his prostate because of Prostate Cancer.Early 2017. Life was hard.We brought her home, she was unable to stand when we left the surgery and slept all the way back. As soon as we laid her on the grass, it was a warm day, she suddenly jumped up and chased one of the barn cats across the paddock! We were so shocked but this was Ellie. Strong willed and protective.She has never liked that particular cat.

We were told what to look out for, her breathing changing etc which would mean the cancer had progressed to her lungs. For the past 2 years she has been Ellie. Naughty, disobedient at times, loud, funny and playful She was my companion as is Cody but Ellie was much more ‘in my face’ so to speak. My little girl. I never dressed her up as some do with their little dogs but did buy her some t’shirts as she lost weight and felt the cold. She would stand there and I swear I could hear her sighing, almost raising her eyes to heaven. Tolerating my whim. My love for her was huge as I hope was hers for me. She filled my days in the last few weeks, became a bit more demanding in as much she had to be with me every minute. I have not returned to my Practice as yet and so apart from going shopping, when Marie would work from home, just in case Ellie needed anything or Cody, we were never apart. At the beginning of April, she began to get a bit breathless and started a slight cough. The vet said it was only a matter of time but that time was not yet. I prayed so hard to keep her but knew in my heart I couldn’t. 

Wednesday 17th April was Ellie Mae’s 11th birthday and she spent it , as she had been doing, at my feet, alongside me if I went outside and on the bed as she had been for weeks. I realise now that my every waking hour was being aware of her. I couldn’t sleep in case she needed me. She was thankfully oblivious to this. Still eating, going outside, running around the garden etc. But I did not rest for worry. The night of her birthday she came upstairs with me and laid on her favourite blanket on the bed. At 4 in the morning of the 18th, the coughing was much worse and she came up the bed and laid between David and I as close as she could. Wide awake and looking at me. I knew it was time. My heart broke. The following day, I walked with her as far around the grounds as she wanted and then waited for the vet, trying hard to be brave and not shed tears in case thy upset her.In the past, though out the things that have happened, told of, here in my blog, Ellie would always try and comfort me,dry my tears. On this Thursday, she was asleep when Helen the vet, arrived, lying on the carpet in our sitting room with me next to her. I picked her up and suddenly she became Ellie Mae the ferocious, barking as hard as she could to keep the vet away from me. Loyal to the end. But we knew we had no choice. Loving an animal is also knowing when the time is right to let them go, help them out. I held her, she looked up and licked my tears, loving to the last breath. She died in my arms looking at me. Life has not been the same since.

The only time they hurt us is when they leave.

I wasn’t ready for this grief. I know grief, we all do. I am still grieving for my beloved brother Tony, Dad and Oliver, all lost within a year but was not ready for the huge emptiness I feel now. I adore Cody and let him know but some will remember, the blog I wrote about anticipatory grief. I knew Ellie was going to lose this fight, we lived on borrowed time for almost two years but now it is here, I am still  not ready. Only those who love animals will understand this. Some will not and I am sorry if this offends you but it is how I feel.I have a very small family and my pets have become ‘family’ to me and to David. I have never seen my husband so upset in 33 years. Ellie Mae was a tiny little dog but a huge spirit and presence. The void left is enormous. I have been going to bed cuddling her little T’shirt because it smells of her. Silly? Maybe but my comfort at such a horrid time.I think I hear her, sometimes think I see her. Still put 2 dishes out at times for their dinner. Always leave a piece of meat on my plate for her, still do, can’t get out of the habit of 11 years. I am okay most days now but evenings are the worst. Although Cody is here, Luther my black cat, 17 next week, and our new ‘stable cat’ Shamaz; the ‘missing’ is so big, so strong that you can almost touch it.

I  understand others who suffer the loss of their pets, one of the reasons I turned down a job with a local vet as Pet Bereavement Counsellor, I just wouldn’t cope, I know I wouldn’t. I offer bereavement therapy to clients who have lost family or friends and carry it our very effectively so I am told, but the loss of an animal defeats me. I am sure there is a reason for this but as for now, I have to just accept that is how it is.

So life ‘here on the farm’ is not so good. The animal part of our family is getting smaller. I know taking on rescues we have to expect loss but it doesn’t make it any easier. Losing anything we love is a loss and sometimes hard to get over. I was distraught for the first week and more and wondered what I would do without her. I know really what I have to do, I need to love her pal, Cody and the others in my care. David and I have cried buckets together, he says since PC he seems to have become more sensitive, doesn’t remember feeling loss so intense as this before. I think as you get older, you do feel more but I also think, Ellie Mae was such a huge huge character, with us all the time, sharing everything, making lots of noise, being her usual lovable bossy self ,that missing her in such a way, such a huge miss was inevitable.

So here I am, with Cody at my feet and I know he is sad. He goes outside and I am sure is looking for her, although he did see her when we laid her to rest. He has taken over her blanket and the last little piece of a bone she had on the last day. He hasn’t tried to eat it, just carries it around with him. Every time I see he is missing her another piece of my heart breaks. Not sure if he will get through but will do everything I can to make him happy and to keep him healthy.He is not a young dog, 14 now so needs a lot of reassurance as he can’t hear and has limited sight. Ellie had been his eyes and ears so now I have to be that to him.I try hard not to get upset around him, which is hard as he follows me around everywhere. But I will try .

For everyone reading who has lost an animal, my heart goes out to you. I know my eldest daughter Lisa,will understand this as does Marie. Lisa has many dogs and cats and I have seen how it hurts when one dies.Marie has 5 cats. We also have the ponies. I brought them both up to love animals as we love each other. But doing this there is price to pay when we lose them.Is it worth it? Definitely. The amount we grief shows how much we love. So of course, even though some days even I doubt it, loving them far outweighs anything else. After all, they love us unconditionally done’t they. 

Thank you for reading. x