The ‘Missing’ From Life Today.A Forgotten Necessity.

Once again, thank you for all your comments, pm’s and emails after last week’s blog. Good to know that it helped those it resonated with. Today’s is PC related but mostly a general blog I felt I needed to write. Please don’t read if you think it might offend. Feel free to scroll by.

Life ‘here on the farm’ is hard. Sick ponies, poorly dogs and my own health not so good.To compound all of that , David has a painful foot, courtesy, we think, of a black thorn that went through his shoe!But compared to many, we are very lucky, especially reading of the awful things in the news this week.Being such a horrid time for many, I have been looking at how we have become so focused on things that are really not important. How important values have changed.How in general, we have become a throw away society. A society not valuing things we have, relationships we share and people who love us. Most of all, not valuing life itself.

We don’t mend anything any more. If something breaks, we buy new. Phones, radios, clothes etc. This has now spilled over into our values of people, of life and that I find scary and unacceptable.It is happening more and more, I see that in my own life and in my work. Couples breaking up, parents being estranged from their children. Children being shunned by parents. Why? Usually over an untruth or something that was said and neither party willing to make things right. Broken relationships can be mended, maybe not back to how they were, but back to being more acceptable to those involved, leading to less pain and heartache.It happens on social media all the time. Someone says something because a comment made might not be to their liking and the recipient becomes upset and blocks the writer or becomes angry and retaliates. Maybe if we communicated better, maybe if we valued other people’s comments and respected their point of view, there would be less of this. Please talk to each other, sort it out!

In families, children loved throughout their lives, fall out with parents as my eldest has with me. Most parents give everything they can to their children, make sacrifices etc. willingly and take everything the child dishes out to them. Then either a misunderstanding or something one party does not agree with is said and the relationship is over. When this happens, communication breaks down but all is not or should not be lost. We need to show respect for each other’s opinions and beg to differ, to maintain important relationships with family and friends. We need not to give up on them.

People have left groups I belong to because others have disagreed with their opinions, choices, religion or beliefs. Personal stuff that is important to the member and not really the business of other group members. Most of the groups I belong to are support groups, giving knowledge, sharing experiences and most of all, giving support. Clue in the name. Sometimes it is hard not to allow our own personal issues, our own fear, anger or sadness, get in the way when we comment on a post. It is not always meant as disrespect but can so easily come across as that. Some readers may be in the first stages of diagnosis, or at the end stage and life may be very tough. Prostate cancer takes us to the lowest of places and we can sometimes become insensitive to those reading our posts and also to those commenting. Our feelings can get the better of us and we may express them without thinking of how others may perceive them, or process their meaning.Our own pain can make us selfish without thinking. All of this, along with news stories in the press this past week,the none-valuing ,things I will mention later in this blog, the throwing away, the ‘not thinking’ of others, even inadvertently, makes me feel that something in our world is missing. Respect.

The definition of respect is: ‘due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others:’Most ‘disrespect I see online is not meant. Not done deliberately but can still hurt.

This has been more than evident this past few weeks, not on Social media but in reality. The greatest disrespect there can be. The lack of respect for life itself.We have all seen reports of the killings of young people on the street. Innocent lives cut short by other young people with no thought of the consequences. Carrying knives , attacking innocent people with no thought for the victim, their family or even for their own future. All done out of choice. Not accident, not their upbringing, not the fault of their parents, not a mental health issue but the choice of these killers to inflict injury or death on someone they don’t always know. Sickening. Horrible, unbelievable but sadly, we all know, true.

I have also been told this past week, of a pony being stolen by 2 young, tied up and killed. What for! Who knows, but these young men, we know it was 2 young men from CCTV images,could be future killers of people if not caught. I have read of sheep being stolen and a pregnant ewe being beaten and killed, all for monetary gain. Horrible incidents in my own home county. No respect for life, no thought for the animals pain and fear. All done with no respect and out of choice.

In all of what I have written, the common factor missing, the lack of something, that even I, in my dysfunctional family, learned, is the lack of this thing called Respect. Some say it should begin at home. I agree. I taught my children to respect others, the elderly, etc. To respect  their parents, although I think I somehow failed in that one with my eldest. But not for the want of trying. Respect for authority, for other people’s opinions, way of life and creed. I was taught to respect all life, human and animal life, not by my parents but by my church. Although not very religious now, church and school were my sanctuaries and I listened and learned a great deal.

Without this, without thinking of the consequences of our actions, without showing respect to others, to life itself and to the truth, I fear the way the world is going.The decisions we make, whether based on respect or not, are our choices. It is our choice to either throw away the old phone or get it repaired. It is our choice to shut people out of our lives instead of giving and showing enough respect, to try to put things right. It is our choice whether to hurt another purposely, physically or emotionally. Our choice alone. Every action we make, everything we do , we are responsible for the actions and the results and we need to remember this. Respecting others should be the ‘norm’ for all of us. Sadly it isn’t. Everyone needs to acknowledge that life doesn’t just happen, most of what does happen, apart from illness and disease, is down to our choices and we are responsible for the consequences.Not society. Not our circumstances.Not our parents. Not our family. Us!

But the biggest choice in todays’ society, as all who see the news will know; in today’s youth, is the choice to carry a knife and whether to choose to use it to hurt someone. This needs to be addressed at the very highest level. As parents and grand parents we can try to educate our youngsters, let them read of the horrors inflicted by people using knives, the pain and heartache each family goes through, not only the family of the victim but also the family and friends of the attacker. If they choose to carry a knife, they may not mean to use it but as we can see, some do and the consequences of that choice, the lack of respect for life, has been driven home this past week in the most horrific manner. 

I suppose I am feeling this more today and I have had to think about those I have lost in the past year. My beloved brother hung on to life for so much longer than the doctors thought possible. We have lost many members of my PC groups, many have lost their husband’s/partners and some are clinging to precious life with every fibre of their being. We hang on to life,because life is precious.So reading of the unnecessary futile deaths of young people, lives taken by senseless murder, has stirred so much for me as I ma sure it has for many. Life is hard for some. Life can be painful and scary and I currently have loved ones, fighting to maintain their lives, clinging on to this precious thing we all should value and respect. Life. So please pardon me if this post is a bit harsh. 

Until we start showing respect. Until we educate our young people to make different choices, people will die. Youngsters will be put in prison. All for the wrong choices being made and the lack of respect for human life. For people to be able to show this to others, they firstly have to respect themselves. Being kind, being thoughtful, showing love and tolerance to others, makes you a better person. Let’s all do this. Let us allow others their own opinions, allow them to share their feelings  and fears without judging them or without making comments that could hurt them. If someone posts something that you disagree with, let it go. It is their post, their right. Show them enough respect by allowing what they say. We are all different yet all the same. We may live by different creeds, different beliefs but we are all born the same and will all leave this world the same. So let’s respect that in every one we meet. Make life better and we may show those who think differently, those thinking about hurting others, that respecting yourself enough to allow others to express their feelings, share their beliefs and thoughts, without a come back,shows total self-respect. Well worth having.Showing  others respect in this way, you show the same to yourself. Your actions reflect you as a person.

I am not arrogant and don’t have the answers but I do know that things need to change in order for us all to live a better, safer life. So let’s begin by mending that old radio, taking needle and thread to that old shirt and most of all, to repair relationships damaged and try hard to prevent others from being damaged. Yes we are all finding life hard at times but can make our little part of the world a better place, by having enough self-respect to show this to others.

Thank you for reading x

Author: carolannwright

I am a Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist and author. I live on a beautiful smallholding near the Welsh coast with my husband, daughter and ponies, dogs, cats and ducks. An wonderful peaceful place to live. I have a Masters in Counselling CBT and run my own private practice where I see a diverse group of clients. View all posts by carolannwright