The Journey is Not Over But for Now, Taking a Breather and Reflecting.

Can I just please ask, if you do not want to read what I have to say, or to read my continuing story,please scroll past. Thank you.

This past week has been mostly good. Apart from the apprehension re David’s PSA test, 2 years after surgery, then the anticipated waiting and finally the result and family ‘stuff’.I was, as I have said before, terrified. Not sure why. Well that’s actually not true, of course I know why. 3 years ago, he went for a routine check up, they took blood and there it was, the possibility that something was wrong. It was. My beloved husband, never had a days sickness to speak of, had the possibility of having Prostate cancer. How could he have? How did that happen? Why didn’t we suspect it? Question after question with no real answer. But in the September of 2016, after the biopsy and MRI. it was confirmed. I have written at great length about my fears, my terror, my confusion, all while the man I love, the man who had this nasty disease, went about his day like nothing was wrong. How on the day we had the diagnosis, I was in bits and trying to hide that fact, while David calmly said, ‘shall we do the shopping now?”! So now, 2019, having to have another test, after the regular 3 monthly ones had stopped, I was again terrified. David wasn’t. His pragmatism, his ‘what will be will be’, can sometimes infuriate me and isolate me in my fear. Of course he doesn’t realise this and I wouldn’t want him to, but it does. So Wednesday we went for the test, yes ‘we’, I had to have regular blood tests for my own issues, so we went together and then,we thought, the wait. But Thursday afternoon, we had the result. David phoned as suggested by our nurse, while I tried to remain calm, pretending to clean the Rayburn,shaking and a bit tearful, worried it may be a result we didn’t want.But no. UNDETECTABLE. If I had been capable of doing a handstand I would have, I am sure. Ecstatic! Relieved!Overjoyed! Feelings I couldn’t put into words but undetectable was music to my ears and I am sure, David’s, although his response was ‘There, I told you it would be okay”! I wanted to tell the world, so told social media instead.

Huge relief and happiness, but tinged with a little guilt. It is hard to be completely happy when you are only too aware, that some sharing this journey none of us wanted to make, are not as fortunate as us. Their prognosis is not good, maybe they have more treatment ahead or maybe their future is not certain; some may have lost loved ones to this horrid disease, cancer with a little ‘c’. To all of those I want to say how sad it makes me, reading stories, that there, but for the grace of God go I. At the start of this journey, none of us know what is ahead. What we may have to endure with our husbands, partners relatives. We all begin at the same place and carry hope throughout until we are told differently. We all have the same fears, the same nightmares of ‘what if’. We all begin from the same place.I have grown fond of members on my groups, none of whom I have met personally but followed their journeys, good and bad. Some have lost this battle and are now missed, as though I knew them personally, as friends.I try to offer comfort, support, friendship wherever I can as we are all in this together. But. It is hard not to rejoice at the good news when we have it isn’t it. I want to share it, I want to shout it from the rooftops and hope those who are beginning this journey are encouraged in some way by news such as ours. Those less fortunate, I hope, will allow me my joy and happiness at this moment in time. Yes we are lucky, we are the fortunate but we have all traveled the same journey. Because the results are positive, good, doesn’t mean the past 3 years didn’t happen. It also doesn’t mean we might not go there again, I do hope not, but we don’t know.It doesn’t take away all the pain, fear, worry and change that those years brought down on us whilst PC was ravaging our little family. That all still happened but now, I hope is in the past.It doesn’t mean they haven’t taken their toll on us, David and me, as separate people and as a couple. Yes things are different now, they will never be as they were, but he is still here and for that I am grateful.

I am sorry if I have upset people by being so happy about the outcome, sorry for my blog, in the past, sometimes being sad, some times being ‘black’, upsetting people was never my intention. I just write from the heart, open, honest and true. Telling is ‘as it is’, was my motto when I began blogging 4 years ago. Hurting or upsetting people  has never been my intention, but I cannot be sad or pretend to be when we have been so fortunate. Neither can I be upbeat when I need to ‘say it as it is’, and that is sometimes,sad and unhappy. All I can do is apologise and ask those offended or hurt, to please not read my blog, because it will always be honest, warts’s ‘n all.

Today, I am happy and grateful and wanted to share that.My journey on here,has been full of my fears around cancer with a little ‘c’, family issues that made this horrid time so much worse and harder to bear. As I have said before, cancer does not hit you in isolation, if things are tough with you or things are good, cancer will still barge in and trample all over your life. In my case, my life was in turmoil for reasons written in earlier blog entries, family stuff, pain, hurt betrayal and loss. Cancer gave no thought to any of it, still came, overloading my already overloaded life,damaging us in the process and threatening to take away my rock, my husband. Making me so ill, I was hospitalised and worried that I wasn’t going to be there for my man.You will never know how enormously relieved I am that it failed. Just wanted to share my joy. So I am sorry but I must try today, to not allow any guilt I feel, tarnish the joy we all have ‘here on the farm’.

We so needed this news, life is still challenging and we are still anticipating losses , although have had a stay ‘of execution’ so to speak, with our ponies but not so with our little dog. Just a matter of time. I have spent much of this past week, in between panic re the results and tending to the ponies, lying with her, cuddling her and just taking in her every movement, her every smell, imprinting it in my memory for the time she will no longer be here. Hard but a  least I have this opportunity. We are still going to move, downsize,later this year, if possible, but that is on hold for now. Just need to be together as a family, loving each other and being grateful for every single minute.

Thank you for reading x

Author: carolannwright

I am a Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist and author. I live on a beautiful smallholding near the Welsh coast with my husband, daughter and ponies, dogs, cats and ducks. An wonderful peaceful place to live. I have a Masters in Counselling CBT and run my own private practice where I see a diverse group of clients. View all posts by carolannwright