Goodbye to the old and hello to the New. Please Be kind 2019.

 

For me, today is a day for remembering. 2018 began very badly for me. After years of fear, hurt and family betrayal, I had, back in 2017 hoped the next year would be full of hope and promise but as the year drew to a close I knew it would not end on a good note. My beloved brother was at the end of his life and about to leave us, his family with an -unfillable void. He did see the New Year in, at his home as he had wanted, surrounded by his daughters and grand-daughter and I was at the end of the phone, being kept updated on what was unfolding. Tony and I had a dream, to see the Northern lights, we never achieved that dream but his son took a video film of them and showed them ,on New Year’s eve,  on the ceiling of my brother’s room, just above his head, so he could remain lying down to watch this amazing phenomenon. He loved it. He left us on January 4th 2018. I had spoken with him everyday up until the day he died. He still felt so hurt and confused as to what had unfolded in his last year and sad that someone so close could cause so much pain, knowing he was dying. I had no answers, I just listened and reassured him as much as I could. I wasn’t able to visit, living so far away and having commitments, he understood but it is still my biggest regret. The loss I still feel is immeasureable. I did manage to have an animal sitter and made it to the funeral, a celebration of my brother’s life by the huge number of people who loved him. It was, if it could be, a beautiful day in every way. Sad but beautiful. 

As the year began to unfold, life ‘on the farm’ continued and I tried hard to grieve but didn’t seem able to accept my loss. David has continued to heal from the onslaught of Prostate cancer and surgery to remove the ‘nasty’ that threatened his life and our happiness.  I blogged as I always have, every Sunday; of our life here ‘warts an all’, my husband’s progress, my fears and family stuff. I received many comments and messages re the content and was pleased that my posts were still able to help some of the group members and also friends I have made over Social media. I sadly watched, as one after another of our new friends, members of the groups I belong to ,lost their fight against this evil disease that robs our men of their lives and us of them. Each time my heart turns somersaults, ‘there but for the Grace of God etc.’. I felt for the partners, wives, families and knew we had been lucky to have caught this cancer with a little ‘c’, early enough to stop its spread. I value every member of all the groups I am part of, people have been so kind and tolerant of my rantings,One member I became very close to, if SM can bring you close, was Mark Bradford. He blogged about his life, the cancer, his imminent death and mostly,his faith. We commented on eah other’s blog and post. I wrote privately to Mark and he learned a great deal about my life, having read my autobiography, and I his. His words of encouragement, his great faith and dignity helped me through the early days. Sadly Mark lost his fight, or maybe he didn’t. He believed in a life after death and so perhaps he won his fight because of the dignified way he died, still believing. God bless you my friend. I continue to blog, partly on the groups about my continuing journey, one none of asked to make and keep up to date with posts from other members. I have learned so much from being part of groups with issues like mine and will be eternally grateful.

As some of you know, I have tried to make things right with my estranged daughter and my grandchildren but failed. Well I didn’t actually fail, Lisa said she loved me, she missed me but couldn’t tell me why she did the things she did and because I wanted to know, had to know, she did what she always does and shut me out again. So I didn’t fail. I will always love her and my grandchildren but have to do this from afar. I had wanted to send cards and gifts but knew I couldn’t. Then at the last-minute I sent a Christmas card, through an online retailer because it was too late to send by mail but heard nothing. I sent greetings to my eldest grandson to whom I had been very close, but nothing.He had wanted to come down and see us, we were about to arrange this but nothing happened. I accept he is in a diffcult position if his Mum is not talking to me.So I now have to accept, but more about that later.

In April, David’s eldest sister died and again, we were unable to go to the funeral.Another regret. Our little dog Ellie Mae has cancer and is now not as self-assured as she was. Our little boy Cody is deaf and almost blind. Both are still very happy but can’t be left, so we don’t leave them. Hence not being able to get away.In September I lost the man I called Dad. Since I was 6 years old, his daughter, also called Carol and I have been lifelong besties. As a child, he and Claire his wife, my friends mum looked after me as much as they were allowed. I have spoken of this in other blogs. In early adulthood, discovering the truth about my childhood,some things they had suspected, they asked me to look on them as my Mum and Dad. I was proud to do this. Sadly Mum died a few years ago and now Dad has joined her.Another regret, not able to attend the funeral to say goodbye. But lifeis like that, it gets in the way at times.

Many losses. During 2016-7 my name had been maligned, my extended family had been told libelous stories about my life and my daughter, for some insane reason, had believed it all. I was then shut out of my family. I will never know how she, Lisa, believed made up stories from someone who had not been in our lives for more than 40 years, who didn’t know Lisa and didn’t know of my life either.I couldn’t and still don’t understand how my daughter believed lies that were so far-fetched, if not so serious would have been  laughable and the content illegal, because she must have memories of her early life, a happy life, with me and then her sister. The person who told her these horrific lies,  is a very capable liar and was sadly believed. I was not there to tell it as it was. Hence the beginning of this blog a few years ago.  But Lisa did believe it because it suited her at the time and punished me for it, over and over in the cruelest manner.  My literary career was damaged for a short period by them both and my eldest daughter’s birthright had been lied about in the worst possible manner by my youngest sister, I have written about this on this blog. So all in all, the past few years have not been good. At the end of 2017, I stayed up to say goodbye to the old year and hello to 2018, wanting to see the old year die. Hoping the new would be kinder to us all. It wasn’t. Another sad sad year. 

But that was then.

This is now.

What I learned:

I learned that people in general are kind and caring as I discovered on Facebook, particularly in the Prostate cancer groups I am a member of. 

I learned to accept that things are as they are. I cannot change things that are not in my control. I cannot make things right if others are happy with them being wrong.

I have to accept that damage done cannot always be repaired and have to live with that.

I have to accept that I cannot make someone say sorry, or even accept their part in an issue unless they are willing to do this.

I also know I need to appreciate what I have and not hanker for what I don’t.

I have also learned that in general, people are kind, thoughtful and caring.

What I lost:

The biggest losses are Lisa, my grandchildren and Tony and my Dad. Huge holes in my life, nothing will fill them. I have to accept this and grieve, then let go.The losses of friends I have met, both on SM and in real life. Value what they brought to the relationship, grieve and move on.

What I have received:

Friendship that has no bounds, particularly on social media, particularly among fellow PC members. They have shown me love, understanding,kindness and tolerance. Thank you all.I hope 2017 is better than you are expecting and easier on all of us.

I have received unfaltering love and support from my husband, my youngest daughter and close friends. Worth so much.

2019 will, I know be met with trepidation and worry ‘here on the farm’.Oliver Dancer, my pony is very sick and we will, after Thursday, know whether we have to make the heartbreaking decision to let him go. Ellie Mae’s cancer has grown so much over the past few weeks,that we know she has very limited time before we will have to make the same decision for her. Our little boy Cody is 13 now, a good age for a Shih-tzu and is showing his age. He relies on Ellie, she is his ears and eyes and I dread what will happen when the time comes to let her go. Luther our remaining black cat is slowing down, has Arthritis and is now almost 17 so we also have that worry. Life is like that isn’t  it. Never deals you one blow at a time. My friend Mark B would say, that God only gives you as much as you are able to take. I think he over estimates me at times! But I hope we will handle it as we usually do. With fortitude, courage and love.

But with all of this in mind, my first new years resolution is to let go. To concentrate on those here, my husband and daughter and my animals. I have good friends, some geographically away from me but still close emotionally. I am intent on making this a good year, at least, I will  endeavour to make it one. I have so much to be thankful for. Davids recovery, the love from him and my daughter. The years of love I have had from all the animals I love, even if I lose them, I have had that love and given them love. Made wonderful memories. That has to be good doesn’t it. I intend to spend the year, loving those who love me, those who will accept love from me. Accept the things I can’t change and enjoy my memories of how things were. No one can steal those from me. I will forgive most of those who have hurt me and my family, not all, but most. Forgive those who turned their back on me and say ‘it’s okay’. I forgive you.Not only for them but for myself. I will finish my book for PC. Write my novel, revamp my children’s book and get them all published. Bit ambitions but will give them all a good try!

New year’s resolutions? To eat the damn cake, drink the wine and dance the dance. But most of all, in the circumstances I find myself in, ‘Let it hurt. Then let it go’.Happy New Year to you all. Thank you for reading.x