I haven’t blogged for a few weeks, trying hard to hang on in here. Still recovering from the 2 great losses in my life, My brother and my ‘Dad’. Now my son in laws father has sadly died and it brings everything back. I often think of his Mum and how close I thought I might be, to being in her shoes in the past years. Life ‘here on the farm’, is hard. 2 sick ponies and no sign of any recovery in my own pony, brings me to a point where very soon, as with Ellie Mae my little dog, I have to make that final dreaded decision.
I spoke last week of, the changes in my beloved husband, his physical weakness, the changes in his ability and how tired he gets since PC surgery. We have discussed it and to enable us to stay here, we have agreed to get help in and that has begun. The other realisation is how we have both changed in other ways, to those already mentioned in past blogs. How 2016 was full of trauma, David’s diagnosis, our fears for his health and maybe his life, took its toll on me and now I realise on him. Cancer is still a nasty word. Still has the ability to cause us havoc just being told it is here, in our family, with a loved one. Yes it can, in some cases, be cured but the fear always remains in some way or another. It can render you scared of everything, life itself as it did with me.At that time, I was struggling with family ‘stuff’ that was destroying my very being and then ‘wallop’ there it was. David had Prostate cancer. My world was turned upside down, it didn’t make the other worries, the ‘nasties’ from family any less, no, in essence it exaggerated them, made them even bigger than they were. I admit to being close to breaking. But it was 2017 that finally broke me. The family stuff was horrific, David had to have surgery and my brother, my big bear was dying. I really didn’t think I would survive. But I did.
At the beginning of this year 2018, my brother Tony, my friend and confidant for the whole of my life, died. Devastated doesn’t cut it. I then lost the man who I called Dad and was trying hard to make things right with family, who I had lost, through lies and stories, some I succeeded and some I didn’t.
As we are drawing closer to the end of 2018 ,yes with my eyes opened, I tried once again to make things right. Life is too short to be estranged from those you love. I have hoped to enter the next year with my family intact. Now I am not sure. I am being blamed for moving here to Wales, 21 years ago when I had no choice and didn’t want to make this move. I have said sorry, apologised, explained and can do no more. David ‘s work was here and my place, having grown up children , was with him. The past few years, the past 5 in fact, have been a nightmare. Estrangement of my eldest daughter and grandchildren have torn me apart. I have worked on trying to put this right but to no avail. I thought I was there, or almost there but needed to know why the bad stuff happened at all, to prevent my doing anything that could harm any future relationship we might have. But that hasn’t happened. No reason given to me about the lies and stories spread, no acceptance or apology, even though that was not important. Knowing the ‘Why’ is. But I now have to accept. Accept that the reason this is a stalemate is because there is no reason for the past years of nasties, on social media, email etc. I have to open my eyes to the fact that I will never have an answer. During the worst days of my life, David’s PC, I struggled on without that part of my family. Without the support, encouragement or love of my family. But then I remind myself I survived all of it. As I survive all the other traumas of my life, as we all do. I have said before PC does not come in isolation, it comes no matter how bad your current issues are, whatever else is happening in your world, trouble or not. It just comes in uninvited and tramples over everything in its wake. Making the good seem bad and the already bad seem insurmountable. But it isn’t. I am proof of that!
2019 will see me accepting the legacies of the past few years. Those of cancer with a little ‘c’. Those of family stuff. It will be a new year to look forward to, to cherish and make good everything that is within my remit, to make good. I don’t have the luxury of time. Our lives are different now, good but different. Not as full of people as it was, but good anyway. I am still hopeful that things can be made good, that then I can be back with those I love, now they know the truth but if not, I cannot lose anymore time hankering over people who choose not to be in my life, our lives. David and I are happy together and I need to remind myself that I could have lost him as many sadly, on this site have. My heart goes out to them all. The physical issues, changes, have improved in a huge way and those that haven’t don’t take anything away from our love for each other. David has been my rock for 32 years and I have let him down in a way ,by allowing family and outside influences steal my time from him. So 2019, I will be back to being the strong Carol Ann that he made me, since being in my life. He will come first, something he hasn’t always been, my first priority. Having children they always have come ahead of anyone else, as they should but now they are adults and have their own families, David has to be my Number one as I know I am, to him.
I have gained some amazing friends on social media. Friends? How can they be friends? I hear you ask. Well you don’t have to in the physical presence of someone to feel that friendship, especially when sharing a bond, albeit not one we asked to share. There are too many to mention on here but I will just say, that Mark Bradford was more than a friend and I will treasure the pendant that he made me and keep his messages and emails for life. Dan Cole shares his inner thoughts and fears and I value that. Other pc sufferers, Chris, Courtenay, David etc. all the ladies who have commented on my posts and blogs, too many to mention, I thank you all my friends. Please keep reading if you choose as PC will, I am sure, feature sometimes in what I write. Too big an issue to ignore in future postings.
Whatever life throws at us now we are strong enough to take. My blog will change slightly, I began blogging early in 2016 to enable me to tell family and friends of my life, having been shut out of family for reasons I have previously written here. Then PC arrived with all its horror and fear and my blog became a PC blog. My journey as the partner of a pc sufferer, everything that happened, all my fears, my anger, my sadness, everything with nothing left out. The woman’s perspective, something not written about very often and something that needs acknowledging. Not necessarily the ‘caring for’ part as that comes as read, our promise to each other. This can be hard but that is not the main part of my blog over the past 2 plus years.Yes our men have this horrid cancer but in a way so do we. The fear is ours, not only his. The future that changes, changes for both of us, not just our men. The outcome affects us as a couple. ‘the couple cancer’ as I call it. I am hoping to make my blog into a book, for women affected, for men affected and for those who know anyone who has had PC, to enable them to understand it from the view-point of the partner. Tens of thousands of men are diagnosed with this nasty disease every year in the UK. More and more men are surviving. The world at large has seen a huge change in publicity this year and this has led to a campaign to have our men tested much earlier than they did, this will save lives and has to happen everywhere! I have documented the worst 2 years, my PC journey warts n all. This part of my story will be closing down but my journey, with PC will continue. There will be a subtle change, more focus on ‘here on the farm’, our lives and the changes we are getting accustomed to. Life is different on so many fronts for me. Losses of those I love, anticipating losses, my little dog, my pony but I know David is here right by my side. We will make it.
For the past few years I have had to watch what I write although not avoiding issues that were and are affecting me and us, I am still hoping that these parts of my life will have a happy ending, but am not sure they will. So I am back now, writing freely, my thoughts my feelings and my life. If those upset or offended don’t like what I write, I am asking them not to read my blog. I promised in the very early entries that I need to write everything down, a way of offloading and that what I write will be honest and truthful and that is what I have done. I have told it as it was, in my opinion, from my perspective and no-one can have me do anything other than that. I write about how life impacts on me, on my family and life ‘here on the farm’. Having an illness, any illness does not mean whatever else is happening in your life, stops. I wish it did, I wish it had. But in reality, it just keeps on keeping on, no matter what else in hitting you at any time!
As from this blog, I am back to writing as life happens. If you are not interested or if you feel it is not for you, please although I have enjoyed the comments, on here and on Social Media, please scroll on. I have never intended to hurt anyone, embarrass anyone or offend anyone. Just my diary, my story, my life.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 
I will continue to follow your writings, I wish you and your husband happiness and love. My boys are adults too and have there own lives. We do what we can to help them but our priorities are each other. I have accepted the discourse in our family and that I can’t change anyone else. I wish all I know both personally and on line peace and tranquility. You’ve inspired more than you’ll ever know with your writings, so Keep on!
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Thankyou Diane. I have been shocked, sometimes sadden by how many people have family problems like mine. Whatever happened to family sticking together, being there for each other? We give our lives to our children and yes of course they move away but that should only be physically. Being ridiculed for my honesty all of my life, I am confused as to why it has been questioned by those I love, my daughter especially. But yes I will keep writing as it seems to help others. That’s what life should be about isn’t. Thankyou again for your comments. x
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