My Vulnerability. Prevention and The Need to Know

Today I am unwell. Very unwell so please bear with any errors or nonsensical writing. I will try to be clear but illness has rendered me shaky, dizzy and fatigued. But here I am, doing what I feel the need to do and what makes me less helpless in a world that is so unpredictable and sometimes challenging. I have been poorly for over a week now, at first refusing to acknowledge the fact but ultimately having to succumb to my weaknesses of the flesh so to speak. Breathing is quite hard today but also quite important in the scheme of things so I will stop at intervals to gain my strength.

I have done very little for days, but haven’t given in and stayed in bed as advised, don’t want to start that. Would be too easy at times just to stay there, so won’t do that. I remind myself that I have been much worse and come through, and that others, who I know, have it much harder than me. I have been quite lucky these  past months and stayed quite well but ‘wallop’ here it is again.

The biggest problem I have, personally and think it the same for many of us, is that when we feel ill, we feel vulnerable, not strong , not capable or as capable as we usually are. Helpless, weak and vulnerable. Not a good place to be. Then, like someone playing a silent movie in the background of our life, ‘association’ rears its head and all the previous times we felt this way, come scurrying back uninvited into our minds, making the present situation that much harder!

My earliest recollection of feeling this way, was in my very early childhood. Without love or protection I was facing the horrors of my early years, on my own, helpless to stop the hurts, too weak as a little girl to stop the pain, leaving me vulnerable to anyone and anything. Those feelings return when I feel unwell, unable to look after myself. Of course now it is so very different, I have a wonderful husband and daughter who can and are looking after me, but I have never lost those feelings, that terror of ‘what now’, ‘what if’ ‘please, not again’. Legacies of our fears in our formative years, remain with us, usually tucked away safely, but at times like now, they surface if we are not careful. They will never leave me but as an adult I can push these unwanted memories away and ground myself to where I am today. It works but I am really never far away, from the ‘before’.

This has made me think of David’s thoughts and the thoughts of other men when told they have PC. Not a ‘good cancer’ but a could be life threatening disease. Although my husband is, as I have said before, very pragmatic, he has recently said he was afraid. Not afraid of the illness but afraid he would die and leave me. That I would be on my own without him. Something I feel responsible for him feeling. He should have been thinking about himself, not worrying about me. We recently talked of this and he said, it was my vulnerability he was scared for. He has seen me hurt over and over at the hands of ‘family’, my eldest daughter particularly and my sister. He is always there to talk things through with and help me to keep my dignity and hold my truth. I think maybe he thinks I wouldn’t be able to do that as a vulnerable, let’s face it, older lady, if he were not here. That others would take advantage if he wasn’t there to help me, support me, protect me. Wow! How did that make me feel!? I have to make sure he knows I will cope if I ever had to . To let him see me as he had before, the strong professional lady who is missing today, but that is because today, I am physically unwell.

For men, I believe physical illness is harder in a way. As women, especially mums, we have to keep going, have to be strong even when we feel the complete opposite. We have to hide any feelings of fear, vulnerability or helplessness from our children. I believe we can let them know we are sometimes scared but then teach them that it is normal and human to have these feelings, but we can always come through okay. We don’t show them how we feel inside. But letting them see how we feel and that we are able to deal with the feelings, lets them know, that if they ever feel that way, it is okay to tell us, to share. Giving them permission to have uncomfortable emotions and tell us about them, that this is actually okay.Men don’t always do that. If they are ill, they sometimes share that with their partners, or at least I hope they do and ‘ill’ is ‘okay’. But vulnerable? Not so sure. I don’t think men like this feeling one little bit and see it as a weakness. Something men should not feel. Then they keep it to themselves and sometimes that can make matters worse. So we need to encourage them as little boys, that talking about feelings, especially feelings of vulnerability is actually a strong thing to do. To own these feelings is courageous and brave. If any of us, let others see the ‘real’ us, Wart ‘ns n all, we are less alone. More able to understand and help each other. When PC hits, we, us and our men, need to share our fears, our sadness, our anger and our vulnerable, knowing  we would be understood and then able to be helped, so much sooner and more easily. Talking is strong, not weak. ‘Big boys don’t cry’ is obsolete and so very untrue. It takes a big boy, a man to accept and allow tears.

Vulnerability is bred from helplessness, in situations such as:  Illness. Abuse. Loneliness and loss. We have and will , all experience most of these emotions during our lives, sometimes more than once. We need to understand it. Understand what it means being vulnerable.Then to accept that it is a normal emotion and can be shown openly.

Physical illness reminds us of our animal instincts, the ability to run, to flee a dangerous situation.Today I am not capable of running, moving fast, doing very much at all in fact, to defend myself if needed. Thankfully I don’t need to do any of these things but have done in the past. I always wanted to run as a child, but where to? Where was my ‘safe’? I certainly felt like running when David was diagnosed. Running as far away from what was happening as I could. But I didn’t of course, I love my husband and that kept me where I wanted and needed to be in reality, right by his side. But yes, I felt vulnerable. All the waiting, the depending and relying on the medics, the tests, the results, vulnerable in its worst of guises. Helpless didn’t cut it! Today  my heart goes out to all of you on the group, those at the beginning of this journey, those waiting and those whose diagnosis is not so good. Vulnerability as your companion and you need to expose it, talk about how you feel. Write it all down. Come on here, vent, scream, curse or off load as I do. It does help. Once ‘outed’ you will get support and feel a little better. No shame in having these feelings. It’s the new norm.

During the last 4 years, running was something that would not have worked, how can you run from a past that others keep throwing at you and changing to justify their behavior? You can’t. I couldn’t but I wanted to , my how I wanted to!

All of my life,I have wanted to be the person others come to for help, comfort or advice. The someone who others just want to talk to or be with,for no other reason, just want to ‘hang out’ with. In the past it has always been that way. When the girls were young, Lisa  and Marie, our house was full of children and laughter, their friends would come to me and talk about ‘stuff’ they couldn’t talk to their own parents about. Not because I was special but because their mums and dads were too close. I loved every minute of having what I never had as a child. Giving these children what I never received at my own home. Nothing like helping others to make you feel good is there.

But there is another kind of Vulnerable, one we need to always keep in mind. Families being so spread, broken, estranged, we need to remember this.

Definition of vulnerable according to Collins.

‘If a person, animal, is vulnerable to a disease, they are more likely to get it than other people if it is genetic or hereditary’.

Vulnerability can be added to, when we face the unknown. Face illness without facts. When something happens in our lives and we need to look back at our birth family to find clues, to discover where a certain trait comes from. Simply sometimes, just to compare how we are in certain situations compared to our parents or grandparents and how they coped. Having hereditary illness facts, can sometimes prevent younger people having conditions that are preventable. Make them aware of any symptoms they may have to look for, to stay aware, have relevant check ups etc. To enable them to get treatment for a hereditary condition if it arises before it is too late. Awareness of our past is so important. More important to me, I suppose, as I had very little of my own but had to discover it over time. In an earlier blog, ‘The News I didn’t Want to Give’, I had to tell a close relative of David’s diagnosis. It wasn’t easy, I didn’t want to do it, say those words but we, David and I discussed it and felt we had a duty to do so, the call was made. Thankfully the recipient of this bit of news so hard to tell, was pleased we had told him and he said he would take steps to be checked. That was all we could do, the rest was up to him but he is now aware.

I have illnesses that can be ‘in the family’ so to speak. My family also have conditions that go through families and so I need to make those who could be affected know of these and take precautions or tests if it is deemed necessary. As my grandchildren grow up, they will  be asked over and over about family illnesses. We have all done this haven’t we. Are there any heart issues in the family? Is there any diabetes in the family? etc. When they have their own families the same will happen. Knowing all the facts, allows you to be prepared, pre warned. People need to know these facts to keep themselves well and safe.

Knowing who you are, where you come from, is of utmost importance and I have mentioned that on here before. Knowing why you like certain things, sport, music or behave in a certain way, out of character for your immediate family, in these situations if you could look back and say, ‘Oh Grandad liked that or did that’ how comforting that would be.It should also be your Right. Going through life, hitting issues you know nothing about, without all of the true facts, leaves you vulnerable.I wrote an earlier blog on here, about The Dangers and Damage of Rewriting History, last August and stand by every word. Doing this, to make things fit around the wrongs you have done, lies to, and about the very fabric of children’s family life and heritage and is so dangerous and cruel.

So there you are. Managed to write, something like I intended, if not quite; in the confines of my poorly body and state of mind today. Taken all day but done now. I suppose being so unwell, has made me think about my own vulnerability in many situations I have found myself in these past few years. After losing my beloved horse, the Police Officer in charge of the case, the hoax back in 2012, said the perpetrator saw me as vulnerable and ‘went in for the kill’ so to speak. The onslaught of bullying by family, for 4 years following that time. My fears re the possibility of losing my beloved husband, the vulnerability felt losing my much-loved brother Tony, I had always had him ‘metaphorically’ on my side, by my side. All of these times found me vulnerable in one way or another. Something I work with all the time in my professional role but never seem to see it in myself until after the event. Vulnerable. Not a nice feeling but a normal human one and so that’s okay then isn’t it.

Thanks for reading x