After the past few weeks of hurt and anger, I promised myself I would post a positive if not poignant blog today. Not sure if I will complete it as I am not well. Have this nasty virus that is affecting so many, no voice, sore throat and chest and headaches. Apart from that, I am fine. As a little girl, I learned from a very young age that Christmas is about giving. Being treated differently from my siblings, after a while, I realised was the norm, so I began to enjoy watching them open their gifts ands share their joy. We all posted lists of things we wanted , to Santa, up the chimney and I knew only to ask for very little, that way I was not disappointed. Giving to me, has always been much more important than receiving. Today, not being well, I have begun to write my Christmas cards and have already sent gifts to those whom I won’t see. It started me thinking of Christmas’s past, the bad and the good. I decided today, that rather than sending lists up the chimney as we did of old, to send Christmas wishes to all those I know. Writing of reminiscences and happy memories at this time of the year that I always call ‘the silly season’. So here we go.
My first Christmas wish is for my beloved David. These past few years have been horrid for him, having Prostate Cancer, then surgery and the side effects of that, he has shown courage, bravery and fortitude. He is my rock and has proved his love for me throughout all the horrors of the past few years, taken so much more than a lot of men would have taken, from those intent on causing me pain. That is because he is special. He is top of my Christmas wish list. I wish him all the love in the world, a healthy 2018 and the ability to look forward to the next adventure in our lives, come the Spring. Yes I will spoil him with gifts, some funny, some romantic and some just nice. But still having him here is the best gift of all. Life.
As a young mum, actually still to this day, on Christmas eve,I sprinkle fairy dust from the fire-place, up the stairs and into the bedrooms where the stockings will lay on Christmas morning. When the girls were small, they believed in Santa and fairies and it was a magical time. I still fill stockings, still decorate the hearth and make this time as special and magical as possible as I always did until each daughter left home, then I did and do the same for David.I still leave mince pies and carrots out for Father Christmas and the reindeer and they always disappear, so who knows? Maybe…..
For my youngest daughter Marie and her husband Jason, I wish them a long happy life together, good health and the warmth of my family home and Jason’s mums. I sprinkle fairy dust on their love, the sharing of which is beautifully evident, and their animals, all of them, horses, ponies and cats. I wish for my daughter, the courage always to be true to her convictions, honest in her thoughts and deeds and every bit of love from here to the moon and back.
On this day, I send Christmas wishes to my beloved brother Tony, who I am praying will see this Christmas with his family and those who love him. I know he knows how I feel but am sad that I can’t see him. As I wrapped his Christmas present to post, I suddenly realised, that it would possibly be the last time I send him one. That almost brought the tears. So my wish for him, is a lack of pain, comfort in his illness and the love that I know surrounds him from my nieces, great nieces and all of his lovely family. As a child, I was always a bit envious of my big brother, he always got everything he had put on his list and more. But the love we share makes up for those early days.
I have special Christmas wishes for my grandchildren, all of them. I shared many Christmas’s with Harrison and Jordan, their mum , my daughter Lisa and her first husband Paul and second husband Ricky. Happy fun times and I treasure them in my heart. My albums are full to the brink of photos and my heart is full of memories that will never fade. As I said last week, I still love my daughter, can’t change that and love my grandchildren including the granddaughter I don’t know, Hannah. They are always in my thoughts and I send special Christmas wishes that they are happy, safe, loved and enjoying this special time of the year. I know Lisa will hang stockings, leave out the mince pies, not sure about the fairy dust but she will, I hope, keep up the traditions I taught her, to make her children’s Christmas especially happy. As a tiny child, she was always so excited when the tree lights went on and every year when we first light our tree, I shed a few tears of sadness for what was and is no more. As the picture at the top of this blog says, ‘heartaches will be unpacked as you sift through the decorations’. Some that I have had since Lisa and Marie were children, some made by Lisa, never thrown away and will never be thrown away. I will need to learn ‘the gift of healing tears.’ My special Christmas wish, sprinkled with fairy dust, is that my eldest daughter remembers in honesty, the wonderful Christmas’s we shared when she was a child and those mentioned above. Where she learned to celebrate Christmas in the way she does, with stockings, and mince pies and fairy dust. When she played Mary in a holiday dress up day because she was not chosen at school and how this special time of the year was good, with us, her family. This is not a time for recriminations, today is about my memories and celebrating them and that is all.
For my eldest grandson, Harrison, my wish is simple. Be happy. Be honest and live your life to the full, in the knowledge that wherever you are, apart from your Mum and family with you now down in Hampshire, you have a Nan and Gramps who love you dearly and always will. That is my wish.
For my youngest grandson Jordan, I wish you the same also success in whatever you decide to do in the future. The future is yours, grab it with both hands as you have been doing earlier this year, enjoy and make memories. We love you.
For a little girl , my granddaughter Hannah, of whom I have many many photos that had adorned my kitchen and study, I wish you everything good. I wish you love, happiness and above all good health with your family there with you, my family. I think of you always.
A Christmas wish, always tinged with huge sadness and loss, is for my son Jonathan. I have no Christmas memories of him, no noisy boy running around happily opening presents, getting me up at 4 am, wanting the day to come for weeks before in his impatience. I was denied his growing up years and miss them all with every ounce of my being. But I know him now and wish him health and happiness and also peace. He has been very troubled this past year and I have done my best to comfort him. Not having your own child grow up with you is a pain nothing can heal. Each year, I buy a new Christmas ornament and that is for my son. I love him, have missed him but now have him in my life. For that I am grateful.
During this past 18 months, I have ‘met’ people on my social media groups, especially the Prostate Cancer groups, who I look on as friends. We may not ever meet but sharing the intimate details of this horrid disease, takes away any sense of strangers. For those struggling to come to terms with your diagnosis, my wish for you is that you gain comfort from all of us who post in the groups. I wish you all the gift of a swift recovery whatever treatment you have decided upon. Those who sadly have a diagnosis that brought a terminal prognosis, at this time of the year especially, I hold you very dear to my heart, appreciating how fortunate I have been and hoping that whatever happens, you can manage to share some love with family and friends, over Christmas and into 2018. I know some of you are struggling to survive and I really don’t know what to say, except my wish for you is to gain comfort from those in the last throes of this nasty illness and whose faith in their God is helping so many. Mark Bradford is one such man. Read his blog where he shares his faith, gives love and comfort and is to be admired for his strength and grace. He also shows some humour that helps I am sure. I learned a long time ago that using humour where appropriate, is immensely useful.
I have Christmas wishes for all of those in my family who I am no longer in touch with. I wish them happiness, health, prosperity and most of all love. Always remember to tell those you care about, that you care as often as you can. Appreciate them, love them and enjoy the family who love you. Even me.
For the rest of the world, My Christmas wish is simple. Let us all just love each other. Lose the greed, lose the need for power. Lose the envy of others. Stop hurting others. We are all in this together. One world, one people. Simple. Why can’t we just get along? Not much to ask but I am not sure Fairy dust can put this right. But at this time of the year, while we are all preparing for our Christmas’s whatever they may be like, let’s just spare a moment for those who have nothing. For the past few years, since not seeing my grandchildren for reasons explained in earlier blogs, I have bought presents for each of them and the three I can’t give, are given to children and young men who are in need and appreciative of anything.
Now for my wishes for me, Carol Ann. Not gifts, not expensive presents or clothes or jewelry but peace. I look forward to spending this time, once I feel well enough, with those I love and my animals ‘here on the farm’. But I do wish for one thing more. That my family, near and far have a wonderful time and just a for moment, my eldest daughter Lisa Jayne and maybe my eldest grandson Harrison, think of me and who I was to them in the past with love. I am still that person and I am still here. Christmas is a time for love, a time for sharing and a time for peace. So my wish for me is just that. Love and memories. No-one can steal those from you.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 
Carol, this is a beautiful Christmas post ❤️ I hope you feel better soon and Merry Christmas!
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Thankyou so much for commenting. I wanted this weeks to be a ‘beautiful’ post after some of the past ones. Thank you and also for the well wishes. Have wonderful Christmas. x
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