Shame, Guilt and Other Unwarranted Emotions on this PC journey.

Whilst working on an essay today on Schema, I realised that one thing has followed me around all of my life. One emotion. Shame. When I was a little girl it was something I was told over and over, to feel shame. Whenever the woman they called my mother was angry with me she would shout, ‘You should be ashamed’ or ‘I am ashamed of you’. What had I done? I never knew. Perhaps I upset her by not being the same as my siblings whom she loved. Not sure. When I realised that the things that were happening to me were wrong, abuse, then I knew shame. It was something I carried around for all of my childhood and early adult hood until I broke free. Even then, until I accepted that the shame belonged to the abuser and the woman who allowed it to continue, that it was theirs, not mine, I held it. Acknowledging and placing the guilt in the correct place, was a momentous discovery and came far too late in my life. But then a new stronger emotion, the same one but based around all the people they had hurt and they were my flesh and blood, so the shame and guilt became mine.

During my Journey with PC I felt it happen again. It came back with huge force and rendered me even lower. I almost fell apart at this time, I cried tears, something that had not happened for around 25 years. But they came then. Yes I felt shame that I was weak. Shame that I was so scared, terrified. Shame that although David was strong and facing up to this blow life had dealt him, although people around me thought I was strong, that I was okay; I wasn’t. Inside I was like a jelly, shaky, quivery and weak. I felt on the very edge of breaking. ‘You have to be strong’, I told myself but to me, it seemed a futile order. That brought the shame.

Writing the essay mentioned, I realised that actually there is no reason for any of us to be ashamed of being angry, sad, scared during this horrid time. I have tried giving myself permission and you, in past blogs but today it all made so much more sense. We have no reason to feel this nasty emotion. You know why? Because there is a reason, for every emotion, we as wives and partners feel. Yes we are there for our men, we try our hardest to be strong or appear so but we need to be in touch with us, our inner self, our child if you like. When emotions like this hit us we often revert to the way we would react in childhood. The same way as we do when we are very happy, or really want something, the child is us comes to the front and is often acted out. Shame, fear, pain, anger and more, all reach in to the child we used to be and hurt us. Once we understand that, we can identify with it, then we can give ourselves permission for these emotions. Then we can cope and make things feel better. Even if they are not, we can work on feeling better about having them without these unwarranted emotions coming into play.

Everything we feel on this journey is because we love, because we care. That is why the feelings are so raw, so painful and so strong. Yes we are adult now but we are also still the child we were. How often have you said, ‘he acts like a child’? Or us girls, fall about in hysterical giggles? That is when our child is present. We may grow up and mature but we are still who we have always been and emotions bring that out.

I see people on the group apologise for venting, for not feeling able to cope, for wanting to run away. All feeling these draining emotions. Shame or guilt. This is unwarranted. Guilt and shame should only be present if we have done something bad. Hurt someone intentionally. Done something wrong, aware that it is wrong. Been cruel or dishonest willingly. Then the shame and guilt are deserved. But PC hits us like a thunderbolt and renders us helpless and scared. We don’t always recognize who we are. So firstly, we have to acknowledge that we are human, and as such we have human frailties. We are not always equipped to withstand the nasty that is cancer with a little ’c’. We can only do our very best and we do. When it hit us, I wanted to shout from the rooftops, ‘It’s not fair’. Something as a child I was forbidden ever to say. The child in me wanted to scream it at the top of my voice. But of course I didn’t. I tried my hardest to deal with everything as we all do. Sometimes I am sure, I bluffed my way through so that nobody could see how scared I was. We cope. Maybe badly, maybe well but we cope and we are all still here coping. For that we should be the opposite of shame. We should all stand proud.

I have spoken before about my fear during the early part of my PC journey. Lately it has returned. Not only about David and cancer but horrible family stuff. If a client told me they were not handling these emotions, were confused as to why they had manifested themselves, we would look at any other times they had felt this way and work with the earlier times, before trying to work with the current issues. Sometimes, after doing this, the problems they came to see me with, will have all made sense. As children, our memories are stored away, most of these will be hopefully, happy times, or some can be, as I talked about a few weeks ago, traumatic events. Trauma cements memory. If traumatic or painful and not dealt with at the time, the emotional part will remain in your psychological makeup. How many of you think, ‘I haven’t felt like this since……’ That is enough to make the emotions you are having now, twice as strong. I know I do and have. Sometimes these emotional times in earlier life, are still raw. In your current life, you may go through intense periods of fear, pain, guilt etc. and cope. Then one day, drop and break a cup. Then the tears come. Then the emotions are raw. You then feel guilty for getting far too upset about the incident. These feelings are not for the broken china but stored up emotions you need to let go of.

I have reason to look back over the past few years and feel warranted shame. The emotions that were forced upon me whilst trying to hang on to my integrity, fight for my good name, save my very sanity, all at the beginning of David’s fight with PC. being the reasons. I was overwhelmed, not only by the diagnosis but with family stuff that was ongoing and is still ongoing. Today I feel ashamed of letting all of this get the better of me and for doing somethings I regret. The fear prevented me from thinking straight, of sometimes thinking at all. I acknowledge that at times, at my wit’s end at the onslaught of abuse, theft and pain inflicted on me by my youngest sister Trisha and eldest daughter Lisa, I was so low I acted first and then thought about things. Sometimes openly on social media. I was desperate and this was, I thought, the only way to get my point across. It was wrong but it was real. Yes the shame I feel is warranted but brought about by circumstances I had no control over. They had driven me to the point I was desperate and handled some things very badly. Today I forgive myself for these times because hurting, broken-hearted by events, anger was the only emotion I could summon. Anger being my sad’s bodyguard.

So after growing up with shame, I now know it was not my shame but that of the people who gave me life. Taking on their shame was almost my norm. But it was wrong. Unwarranted. ‘The sins of the Father’ etc. They are their sins not mine. Never were.

Now as a mum I sadly know another shame. Unwarranted but unavoidable as any mother will tell you. Now I have shame by proxy. My eldest daughter has and is behaving appallingly and seems to know no shame. But I do. I know she is not a child now but a woman. I know none of what she has done is my fault, my responsibility, my shame but as a Mum, it becomes mine. My guilt. Not for the child I brought up but for the actions of the woman she has become. I can’t rid myself of that shame and guilt. I will try to but it won’t happen. This is unwarranted emotion.

So yes, this feeling has followed me around but I refuse to feel bad about any of the feelings and emotions, some I have never experienced before PC, but have expressed in this blog. I will not apologise for these and neither should any of you reading this. I ask every wife, partner, girlfriend on here to learn to love yourself. Nurture the child you are who is present at your worst and best of times. Your adult pain, fear and sadness may come from where you find yourself today but they can also touch the you, that is far too often hidden, so far down she can only be reached at times of great emotions. How would you treat a child who came to you with these emotions? What would you say to a child telling you how afraid, angry, or hurting they are? You would care for her, love her and nurture her. So today, I ask you to do that for yourself. I am going to try to give little Carol Ann all of that and more. We deserve it. PC has turned our worlds on their heads and we are the ones left feeling bad. Life itself has changed and all our emotions are warranted at the time of feeling them. So we must stop feeling the unwarranted ones today and give ourselves a pat on the back. We did okay.

Thanks for reading x

Author: carolannwright

I am a Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist and author. I live on a beautiful smallholding near the Welsh coast with my husband, daughter and ponies, dogs, cats and ducks. An wonderful peaceful place to live. I have a Masters in Counselling CBT and run my own private practice where I see a diverse group of clients. View all posts by carolannwright