Prostate cancer. Trauma and Beyond. Having Permission

Reading through posts in the past few weeks, I felt sad to read of PC sufferers and their wives or partners, feeling shocked and surprised at how this whole process seems to have changed or be changing them. They have feelings, emotions and thoughts that they have never had before cancer with a little ‘c’ barged into their lives. As a wife, I know this shock, this confusion and alarm only too well. The shock will, I think, remain in me forever.

On my new journey back into the work place so to speak, starting up Private Practice once again, I was thinking of the meaning of trauma. This past week, I have read in my groups, of many who are reliving the beginning of their journey. Remembering as if it were yesterday, the day they found themselves, or a loved one had Prostate Cancer. Not just those who are still in the throes of treatment but others who are now clear from this nasty blight called PC. I did this all the time and sometimes still do. I can remember every minute of the run up to the appointment after the biopsy, so sure everything would be okay as David had no symptoms and was not ill. Then the reality, then the knowing. How I wished I could ‘unknow’.  It rendered be terrified, scared beyond belief. I had nightmares of other times in my life when the ‘F’ word, Fear was ever-present in my life. I felt all kinds of emotions, some I have never had before. I was angry, sad, scared and lonely. Even, I am ashamed to say, resentful. Not of my husband but of the ‘c’ word. The ‘why me’ and the ‘why us” were constant. I read of members of my groups, feeling apprehensive in all parts of their lives. Suffering rapid heartbeats, that in itself is scary. Damn. Damn cancer!

Along with others, I was unable to concentrate, ruminating over everything that had happened and was happening. It was as though my mind couldn’t stop. One of the worst symptoms of trauma I had, was hyper vigilance. I would be watching David’s every move. If he said he felt unwell, I was all for running off to the hospital! So glad my husband is the steady one and more pragmatic than me. Illness can make us feel threatened. Render us helpless. All the waiting during the ‘process’, before we had the results, before we made the decision, before we had the date for surgery and then waiting in the hospital for David to return to the ward, all seemed endless and unbearable. I also remember jumping at every sound. My ‘startle reflex’ was and sometimes still is very acute. Some of this is  back I am sad to say, but for the personal reasons I write about, here in this blog. But during the past 18 months on the PC journey, it was much worse. One of the other upsetting things I suffered and others I believe suffered, was having distressing thoughts, worrying thoughts, my ‘what ifs’, during the Journey and still up to this day. Bringing my fragile mood down and down.At times of trauma, if depression is trying to get in, our thoughts can be negative and we only see the worst scenario. This is called Catastrophising

I am not sure why it hasn’t occurred to me before today, reading the posts in the groups, but when you are ‘in there’, in the depths of the journey that none of us wanted to make, I didn’t think about this as a legacy we might have left to us. During the treatment, after the operation, on the way back to recovery and beyond. Carol Ann the Professional was absent most of that time.

I suppose that what I am going to say, maybe controversial and some may think it a bit dramatic. The ‘diagnosis’ I am making, in my own humble opinion, is backed up by, what we in the Psychotherapy and counselling world, call our bible. The DSM IV.

If a patient or client has any of the above ‘symptoms, or at least 4 of them, we treat them for stress or trauma. The same treatment to a degree, to that of PTSD clients. I read this week, that a member on a group had been offered anti -depressants for anxiety after his diagnosis and he felt bad about it. Didn’t want to take them. As someone who is not a fan of this type of medication I understood but it sounded as though he was ashamed. If he had diabetes, would he have been ashamed of taking insulin? Being given a cancer diagnosis, no matter what the prognosis, is traumatic, a shock and can leave us reeling. We can suffer panic attacks, even as wives and partners of the sufferer. We can feel very low and very anxious. Anxiety and depression are illnesses, conditions that need treatment if they render you dysfunctional. Make your life very hard and are swamping you in the process. At times like this, we tend to focus on the negative thoughts and not the positives that would be an alternative. They don’t come to the surface, in the misery and fear we experience at these times. That is where the Facebook groups come in. Reading positive posts, having comments in support and comfort, boosts you and for me, took away some of the ‘what ifs’.

I have also read of wives and partners on here, who often say they are not coping, they are afraid, can’t sleep, are anxious all the time. Some or all of the above. Trauma does that. I am only writing this blog to say that everyone is different but the effects of PC on our men and on us as wives, can be similar to the effects of any serious trauma. To say, that you should not be surprised, not be alarmed and definitely not be ashamed. I am saying, as a Psychotherapist and yes, as a wife of a sufferer, that it’s okay. Although upsetting and unwanted, these symptoms in this situation you find yourselves in, we find ourselves in, are normal. In my own way, for all of you reading this and for me, I am giving permission and asking us to be kinder to ourselves during the Journey and beyond.

Another legacy of suffering trauma, going through a serious illness like cancer, is that it can associate with an earlier time in your life. It can trigger similar feelings that you have had at times of suffering, bereavement, loss and hurt. If not heeded, it can bring back all the earlier unresolved grief or emotional pain. It can give you flashbacks, nightmares and bring back fears from another time. Not all of these symptoms occur in everyone, not all, but some. I don’t want those reading this to think that it is all gloom and doom, it isn’t but I wanted to use some of my professional experience here and let you all know that the symptoms listed, that you might have or have had, are all to be expected. That there is nothing wrong with having these thoughts and feelings and that they will go. If you need or are offered therapy, please take it, you will find coping mechanisms and find your way out of this place you are in. If like David, your pragmatism doesn’t allow you to ‘go there’, then you are the lucky ones. Some of us don’t get to choose. With other things going on in our lives today; with past traumatic events in our lives, these symptoms can rear their ugly head and push us so far down we don’t see the way back. But there is a way back and I am here to prove that!

Any shock or event that could be life threatening, can lead to becoming traumatized and that can cause depression, anxiety and stress. The symptoms above are some of the things that can be experienced after a cancer diagnosis. Either of yourself ,or someone close to you. All of these feelings are understandable and in the norm of where you find yourself but they can all be either worked through or coped with, with the right strategy. For some, just talking about it makes it better. That is again, where the groups on here do their bit. Whenever you write a comment on any of the PC groups, you will always be shown support, help and love. Don’t bottle things up. Don’t be ashamed of these feelings. Don’t pretend you are okay. Come onto the group, shout, scream, talk and be heard. We are in this together.

Talking to a therapist will help enormously and if you are offered this support, please take it. I see clients all the time who are in this position and some are surprised to know, that symptoms of PTSD, are not only in veterans of conflict but for other kinds of traumatic events in our lives. It is now widely accepted that victims of child abuse can suffer PTSD. When I look back on things in my life, I realise and now acknowledge, that I had this condition quite severely at one point. As many do, I struggled on with no diagnosis and little treatment. Today it is accepted and the victim, helped to become a survivor. Abuse is trauma. Death is a shock. A diagnosis of cancer is a shock, traumatising some of us. So why are we surprised at its effects.

Traumatic events, cement memories. Those memories can be stored in your mind and sometimes triggered by something not related to the original event. This can be  enough to send you reeling back to the dark places. The mind will recognize the feeling or emotion eg Fear, hurt etc. and associate that with the feelings in your mind cemented by the original trauma. Association is a powerful thing. Memory is a powerful thing. We all know that smell can make you think of someone, an event, a trauma. A piece of music can do this and other triggers. If that happens, you can find yourself back in the original place and it is as though it were yesterday. For this you need to have coping mechanisms in place, or distraction methods, to stop your revisit, becoming a long stay. Turn your thoughts to today, ground yourself and tell yourself it is only a thought. Not reality. Write it down, read it out aloud and then tear it up.

Whatever stage you are at on your journey, you need to remember to be kind to yourself. This is for the carers as well as the sufferer. Looking after someone with PC is hard and can render you helpless, scared, frustrated and angry. Allow yourself these emotions, trauma can give them to you but you can overcome the ‘guilt’ of these feelings by being kinder to yourself and allowing yourself to vent, scream, shout or cry. Or all of the above. You have suffered the shock as well as the man in your life. Give yourself a break.

Here endeth the first lesson!!

My week has been mixed. My little dog Ellie who has cancer, was quite poorly but is now a bit better. This is an occasion when association played a huge part. Because we know she has cancer and it is inoperable, I immediately thought that it was the cancer. Thankfully it wasn’t but the fear was back for a while.

After last week’s blog, I received threats of being taken to court! Who by? My eldest daughter. Yes, her own Mum! After all the pain and trouble she has caused me and now my brother, she is threatening me! What for? Because I share my photo memories on social media at times relevant. Because I mention my family by name. My photos of my family. Then more lies. Accusing me of not having seen my grandsons since they were 3 or 4 years of age. My daughter is trying so hard to discredit me and will not win. My last visit to Hampshire, or at least when I last saw Harrison and Jordan, was for Harrison’s 21^st birthday. A few years ago. I remember, we all went out for a meal and David and I had bought him a watch. It was a kind of spy watch and he loved it. This was the September before all of this nasty began and it is another memory for me to cherish. My last contact with my eldest grandson, was not years ago but April of this year. I know it was difficult for him because he told me and now, because of all that is happening, he doesn’t write at all. I don’t blame him for that, I know what his mother is like and understand how it could have been for him. Over the past few years my daughter has libeled me, lost me so much, cost me dear not only as a writer but as a person. Everything she has put me through made me ill. I could have taken this further. I didn’t. Why? Because she is still my daughter. Because I am still and always will be, her Mum. I have suffered shock after shock at her hands. The despicable things she has said and done, should never have been done to anyone, least of all the person who gave her life and loved her through everything and anything. I brought my children up with the understanding of truth and honesty. I taught them the importance of both. I am very sad that one of them seems to have thrown all of that out of the nearest window.

I promised at the beginning of this blog, that I would tell it as it is. Honest, sincere and truthful. I am reminded of a saying, ‘if people want to you to write good about them, they should have behaved better in your life’. Says it all and I won’t apologise. This is my journey, with PC and in my own personal life. There is no separation, no defining line, I am in all of it. This is my journey warts ’n all.

During these past 2 years of my  cancer by proxy, because I have had all this ‘family’ stuff to contend with, at a time when I should have been concentrating on David, similar feelings recurred, in my case, hurt, pain, fear and isolation. Association of  times I have felt like that before. Bringing back  the traumatic times from my past. The fear and hurt from childhood especially. All of this rendered me very low. This is the reason my blogs have sometimes been very personal. My way of coping, is using anger as my bodyguard when all I really feel is sad. My technique of coping is to write it all down. It is also the only way of speaking to some people who have shut me out.

I still have the worry of my brother being terminally ill and this has taken a turn, not for the good. However, on a very low day for us both, last week, I came home to find he had rung me. Now that doesn’t seem much but I ring him once or twice a week and so he doesn’t have reason to ring me. But he did. When I rang him back and asked if all was ’okay’ he said, ’yes, I just wanted to talk to you, just wanted a chat’. It brought tears to my eyes. Life here makes it hard to travel so far to see him. David can’t travel long distances now and neither can I. I know Tony understands that but distance sucks. During our ‘chat’ he told me again how let down and disappointed he is with my eldest,Lisa. He trusted her as he trusts me. He said he thought she was like me, honest and trustworthy and now he knows she is neither. As I have said before, the guilt and shame I feel is almost unbearable. Trying to make my apologies to Tony for her behavior brought me to my knees. I know he doesn’t blame me, he says she is a woman not a child and responsible for her own actions. If she had any decency she would own up to what she did. So that Tony did not have this worry making him worse. He is dying, he doesn’t need this. What I do know is that she would never have done anything as horrible with out encouragement from her aunt.

So, the future.

I am now just waiting for my reinstatement with my governing body, to enable me to use my Accreditation with BABCP and go back to the work I was doing before all of this began. The application is with the Accreditation team as we speak. Everything else is in place and I feel now I can use my qualifications and experience to help others, as I have done for the past 19 years or so. I will continue to blog. David has to have another PSA in a few months and we are praying it will still be undetectable. Life is getting back to some kind of normality.

I hope this did not come across as a lecture or a counselling session, just trying to help those going where I have been.

Thanks for reading. x