Change.The Return Of The ‘F’ Word and a Necessary Postscript.

I began this blog last week, Wednesday to be exact when I first began to notice the changes in David. I hadn’t really thought about them before but on that day, they were evident and hence the beginning of this blog.

He is recovering very well, back to doing all the things he has always done. So is happier in himself and feels, in his words, ‘normal again’. As all of you reading this will know, PC changes a person, a couple in many ways. We don’t change by choice but it is thrust upon is. I must have read everything there was ever written about this nasty disease, cancer with a little ‘c’. That meant I was ready if that’s ever possible and thought my husband was as well. We talked about the physical side of our relationship and the most important thing to us both is that he survived and we were still together. We also knew that at first, the incontinence could be an issue and he has dealt with that so much better than I had expected. He is almost back to normal with this and that makes him feel more in control, pardon the pun, so more of a man. We have even had a few laughs about this, documented in previous blogs. He has been amazed at words I have used for the first time, words I have for the 300 years we have been together, avoided. This has been a source of amusement for him as I had always, apparently, appeared quite a prude. After surgery for PC ‘prude’ is not possible.

But back to the ‘change’ in my title. They have dawned on me slowly over the past few weeks really. I am so proud of how he has handled everything but have noticed how sometimes pre occupied he is about the future. Our future, hence us house hunting. He is planning an easier life, less to do, more time for us both to think of each other. He has talked of all the wasted time, time stolen from us through family feuds, nasty times that we have wasted because of others attempts to bring me down. I am the one with the ‘what ifs’. It is me who constantly thinks of the future, not David. But that has changed. He has changed. He worries about what might happen if something happens to him. He has always said in defiance of death and illness that he has to live to 96 years of age, to recoup his pension! To get back what he paid in to the MOD. We often laughed about this. But not now. He needs to make sure I am okay, hence the downsizing. Something I talked about a few years ago but that he wouldn’t contemplate. He is behaving as though he is getting old. Age has always just been a number and he has never felt old or acted old until now. I know we are all getting there, older I mean, but he has refused to accept his for as long as I have known him. He never used to stop, never took breaks whilst doing jobs but foes now.

Before his diagnosis, we bought a new kitchen, as we had thought we would stay here for the rest of our lives but now he is installing the kitchen with a view to moving. The kitchen come breakfast room, is 30′ long and around 12′ wide, so no easy task but it is looking amazing. So really this is not behaving ‘old’ but I know he often thinks it. I often find him sitting, almost slumped in his chair, looking tired, looking sad. I know that way of sitting, I must show him this so many times, he is in the ‘what if’s’ thought where I try not to go but can’t avoid it sometimes.

Another change is that he asks me to go to every appointment with him now, something that is new. He has not had reason to visit our GP very often, if at all before his routine tests that showed his raised PSA, but now we go everywhere together. I don’t mind of course, but another change. I always knew things might change but didn’t expect my husband to change. Stupid I suppose because it is him who had the disease, the surgery and is recovering, not me and I have changed I know that. I suppose I just didn’t expect it or allow myself to think it might happen. He is still the funny, loving, most times happy David who still shows his love for me every day, so what does a little change matter.

As I have said in last week’s blog, life has dealt us many blows these past few years. My family has hurt me, betrayed me, tried hard to ruin me and through all of that David has not faltered. He has loved me, held me and pulled me through with his quiet strength and sense of humour. We will get through anything together, we have proved that many times. He has never doubted my ability, when lies were told and my career was on hold, he encouraged me and helped me rebuild it and get back on top. Despite the lies that have since been disproved, that awful time is behind us or at least I am trying hard to put it there, it still hurts. .He has held me through the night, softly blotting my tears on the many occasions they fell and held me so tightly I knew I would be okay. He is still my rock. Now it’s my time to do the same for him. Not because of family but because of cancer with a little ‘c’. A tiny letter with huge consequences.

When PC first touched our lives, I knew it was my turn to step up and it was hard. I was still very unwell and had been left very low because of the previous few years but I was determined to be there for the man I love. Wasn’t sure I could be but promised myself I would do everything I could to make this horrible time as easy as possible. The nasties from family had been stopped so life became a bit easier from that point of view. David never complained, took it all in his stride and reassured me when I had my little wobbles. I tried to keep them from him but we are too close to be able to do that. You will know from previous blogs, of my ups and downs, my screaming, shouting and swearing at cancer. My fears, my doubts and my ‘what ‘ifs’. My wonderful husband, never showed any emotion throughout the tests, the waiting and the pre op. It wasn’t until he woke from the anesthetic, which I have told in detail in earlier blogs, that he took my hand to his lips and I saw tears. Later that day he told me he had thought he wouldn’t wake up after the op. He had thought our kiss before he went down would be the last time he saw me. I was shaken and felt I had let him down because he had not felt able to voice that to me. He had kept something so scary to himself. I understand now, it was because he loved me. He didn’t want me to worry about his fear.

There is a positive to the changes in my beloved husband and one is that he seems to understand how all the family ‘stuff’ had affected me. He often said he didn’t, that he couldn’t understand why I let the horrid things my daughter and sister were doing and had done to me, touch me as they had. Last week he said he did. I told him he was getting soft in his ‘old age’, he smiled a kind of sad smile and agreed.

So these changes to my man have been happening but life has been carrying on, I had almost forgotten about the past few months in the excitement of looking for a new forever home, having family back in my life and looking to the future with hope and excitement. That’ll teach me. When we arrived back from a day house hunting on Friday, there it was on the mat. A letter asking David to attend his Consultant’s clinic for his 6 monthly check up. It was like being kicked very hard in the chest. I felt numb. I asked David how he felt he just said he hadn’t realised it had been 6 months already. He knew it was coming and so that’s fine. Fine! I wanted to shout. How is it fine? How is any of this fine? All the ‘what if’s came flooding back like a torrent of water and I felt I would fall apart. I don’t understand why I was surprised or shocked, like David I knew it was coming but had worked so hard on being positive, being strong I had forgotten to work hard at being prepared!

The post op test had said the cancer was less aggressive than the consultant had thought and there were no indicators that he hadn’t got everything out. David’s PSA was undetectable. He was happy that David would be fine so why am I worried? I have been here before. Post biopsy, David had no previous symptoms and so I thought the biopsy would be clear. I wasn’t prepared for us being told he had cancer and I almost fell apart. So perhaps, just perhaps, my mind is just not taking anything for granted and that is why the ‘what ‘if’s are back, I am not sure. What I do know is that I need to be strong, hold on tight and know that whatever Friday brings, at the clinic, we will be in it together. Easy to say but harder to put into practice. The being strong I mean, not facing whatever, together. We will always do that.

So PC, BRING IT ON. We are ready for you, together we will be okay, David knows it and I must try and believe it.

Thanks for reading x

And now the postscript:

I apologise to anyone who finds this wrong to write on here, but I have no choice. I have to put a stop to this.

This is for someone I know reads my blog, I don’t understand why she does but know she does and this is the only way I can say this as she won’t talk to me direct.

You have chosen to live outside of our lives and I have at last accepted that. Stop trying to cause me trouble by spreading lies, stop involving people who you have nothing to do with, by asking them to give me messages. The issues mentioned have no foundation and you know that. You have already, last year, spread these lies on social media and on my blog. My life is currently hard, I don’t need any more stress thank you. We, my family here, don’t want this kind of intimidation, cruelty and gossip. Our lives are hard enough as you know. If you have something to say to me, please be big enough to tell me, not people who you contact just to cause pain and hurt. The person you involved has enough going on in their lives without you trying to involve them in your petty drama. You chose the outside and as much as it hurts, please stay there and get on with your life as I am trying to do and leave those I love alone.

Author: carolannwright

I am a Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist and author. I live on a beautiful smallholding near the Welsh coast with my husband, daughter and ponies, dogs, cats and ducks. An wonderful peaceful place to live. I have a Masters in Counselling CBT and run my own private practice where I see a diverse group of clients. View all posts by carolannwright