I was going to begin this blog with an apology. Once again, last week’s post was down and ‘needy’. This week,I felt I had to say sorry but sorry is just a word and often spoken too easily. To have to say ‘sorry’ you must have done something wrong, either intentionally or not. If it was intentional then yes, apologise and change the way you behave, make sure you never act that way again. Saying sorry should be your acceptance of this and a way of making things right. This week I have had reason to look back at hurts directed at me and the ‘sorry’s’ I never received or made. If I am wrong, I will be the first to say the word and put things right. I have yet to accept that some people can’t or won’t do this.
Sometimes apologizing is a need. I have felt that need all of my life. The kiss and make it better need. In my professional world, I would be known as a’ rescuer’. I have always wanted to smooth things over, make things better, put things right, even when I wasn’t the instigator of the wrong deed. Having a ‘mother’, who blamed me for everything, I grew up believing that I was. I now know that not to be true.
So. I decided not to apologise for last week’s blog but to ask you read my earlier blogs . To see how I came to the place I found and sometimes still find myself in at times. Just to say its been a bad few years.
Does an apology , a sorry, make it right? No.
Does saying I am sorry for being so down and sharing that make it better? No.
This is not an excuse but an explanation for my sometimes very low posts. For you to try to see where I am coming from by reading previous blogs. But not an apology.
In this uncertain world, where my husband fought Prostate cancer. My beloved brother is dying of lung cancer and all the sadness I can’t talk about on here, I decided today to use that word, sorry. I struggle sometimes, as we all do. The partner of a sufferer of PC, is affected as much as the man himself. Differently, but as much. Life changes and fear, anger, sadness and injustice enter our lives, as well as the dreaded ‘c’ word. We can become people we don’t even recognise, on the journey none of us chose to take.Along with many others, I am that partner, that wife and as I said, sometimes I struggle.
But there is a very much-needed sorry. An overdue apology for treating someone with much less than they deserve. For being hard on them and trying and expecting them to be perfect and having unreasonable expectations of them. I feel the need to allow this person to treat herself the way she treats others. Today, this is a sorry to me, to my inner child and the woman I have become. I need to be kinder to her, allow her bad days. Allow all the pain, hurt and anger that she feels without having to offer an apology to anyone other than herself. To enable her to write on here, just how she feels. To remind her that she is not superwoman and has many frailties and failings but always tries her best.
Life has been tough and my expectations of myself , tougher. Reality check needed here. I need to learn to forgive myself and say sorry to me. I have always forgiven those who hurt me but never forgiven myself for feelings and emotions I can’t control. So now I must.
This past week, the other ‘things’ in my life have not improved. Dealing with a horrid situation that is heartbreaking, on top of everything else,is hard.
I am also feeling a bit of survivor guilt. I read posts about brave men losing their fight against this cancer with a little ‘c’ and whilst feeling sad and angry, I find myself feeling a little guilty, that my darling man has survived and will, we all hope, be okay. This does sound a bit silly I know but I have worked with survivor guilt, with servicemen etc and I know the signs. I need to work on this and whilst feeling sad for those lost to this nasty cruel disease, rejoice in the reality that David and others we know, are okay
I also have read a lot on the groups I am part of, that no one is free of PC. That you are only ever in remission. I choose to discount this. David was told that the consultant surgeon had ‘got it all’. That it hadn’t spread and was contained. They have no fear that it will recur. This was the subject of a long posting on social media and I found myself becoming quite despondent. It has to be gone. I have to believe David will be okay. I want it over . I want it gone! David HAD cancer, he doesn’t have it.
The other thing I have realised to-day, is that sometimes the need to say sorry is unfounded. The need to apologise fruitless and impossible. Sometimes, just not possible. Not because you didn’t want to say sorry but because you never had the opportunity. Many years ago I had a very dear friend. Someone who helped me through a very dark time in my life and without whom, who knows. Would I still be here to write this blog? I will never know the answer to that but possibly not. She was kindness itself, funny, always ready for a laugh and always wanting to help everyone. She would sit with me for hours, hold me, care for me and always willingly. I shared her family and her friends and we did so much together. It was the worst time,at that point, of my adult life and she was there every step of the way, showing her love, making it perversely the best part . We lost touch, I am not prepared to say why, but we did and I have forever felt bad about that. I have always missed her. Always wanted to explain but I know I can’t. Always wanting to say sorry. An apology not given and never received. But very much felt and meant. Something I have to live with. One of my biggest lifetime regrets.Would sorry have made it right? No. But explaining may have, if I had been able.
Some of you will have read about a triumph last Wednesday. David and I were in the Supermarket and he went off to the loo. He was quicker returning than he has been for a while, having to ‘undress’ to urinate. He had the biggest school boy grin on his face and came over and whispered in my ear ‘I used the urinal”. Only other sufferers will understand the hugeness of that statement. I hugged him and he hugged me, almost dancing around on the spot and we were laughing and almost crying. People were staring but did we care? Did we heck. This was the step forward he had so eagerly awaited. Onward and upward now I hope.
This past week I read a blog by my friend Mark Bradford, that broke my already broken heart but also made me full of admiration. He is someone I aspire to, someone who , in a small way, has restored my hope in humankind. I see him as a true friend, we will possibly never meet but I feel we know each other and for that I will be eternally grateful. To have people like him enter my life, even in these horrid situations we find ourselves, is a blessing to me and a salvation. The people I have met on the groups I belong to, are wonderful, kind, caring and sharing and people I thank for their generosity of time, in their comments, posts and blogs. They share humour at times and I find that helpful and so necessary in these hard times.I know they will understand and see where I am coming from as they have been reading about my Journey since last August.
I hope you too, can allow me this blog.
Thankyou for reading.x
carolannwright 
No one person is super human. Don’t we all wish we could have done more. Xxx
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Thank you Lynda. Of course we do but sometimes I expect myself to be superhuman and always get it right. Always be the one to make it right.I have many reasons to be sad, angry, betrayed and scared but don’t allow myself these very often because of the guilt. I only have the one regret on not being able to tell someone the reason I dropped out of her life. But I can’t and I have to live with that. Thankyou for your comment.
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