Waking up in the mornings now is different. For the past 12 months, with David’s health issues, on waking the first few seconds were good. But then, like a slap in the face, the reality hit me. David had cancer. Although my eyes opened to the beauty around me, this was suddenly and cruelly replaced with the fear and horror if what was unfolding around us.
For the past week and a bit, I wake and look over at my husband and smile. The outcome of this scary time could have been so much worse. But now, we can sit back and allow his recovery with renewed hope and a chance of a future. When he first had the PSA test done and the fears began, I wished above everything that he had never had the test. All through the early days on this blog, I reiterated over and over that I wished we could un-know what we knew. Life as a couple, in spite of other things going on, we were strong, good and he was fit and healthy. That is the life I wanted. Having the test meant we didn’t have that life, at least not for a year. We both knew if David had cancer, things would change. Side effects of any treatment would affect us both. Our lives together could change forever. Why would I want any of that? No, I wanted to have my life before Prostate cancer. But I had no choice. The test over, a biopsy later and cancer confirmed. Life would never be the same again. Do I still wish the test had never happened? Not anymore.Yes it has been the scariest of times. Yes our lives have changed.Yes I have been angry, sad, terrified out of my mind but am now so glad our GP sent him for this routine blood test. If he hadn’t; No, we wouldn’t have had the year from hell, but maybe, much sooner than we were ready for, David might not have been here. Dramatic? Maybe but despite what some people say, calling PC the ‘good cancer’, men die with it not from it’. Men die from it. End of. But not if its is found early enough.
We need everyone to know of this nasty disease. We need to make people understand, that like Breast cancer, bowel cancer, lung cancer, Prostate cancer is still a killer if not discovered early. So let’s raise awareness. Let’s educate our young men , tell them the importance of being tested. We don’t need to scare people but we do need to promote awareness and I will do that in every blog I write, where I can. I am handing out ribbons, for key rings etc. I will talk to anyone, young or not, whether a man or a woman with men in her life. Get tested please. David is recovering and his post op results were wonderful. Cancer all gone. That is happening more and more, you only have to read statistics or look on social media. We are winning this fight. It is up to us as survivors to do this, raise awareness , tell that it is not a death sentence every time, we are the proof.
My joy at my husband being a survivor does not make me forget all of those who are still fighting. The newly diagnosed who are now where I once was, not too long ago. You can read of my terror, anger, sadness etc in earlier blogs on here. I have been there.Struggling and scared. I think of you all often and send you my love. For those whose prognosis is not good, I send huge hugs, love and hope. I write to quite a few of you privately and will do anything I can if asked. So in my joy there is still great sadness and compassion. I will always be here to help any partner or wife, struggling to cope with their man’s illness. I know all the fear, terror, sadness and anger you feel. I’ve been there and will always be here for you .Something I have learned on my Journey, is that the one thing I had lost sight of in my life, the one thing that let me down over and over as a child , is a little word with huge significance in my own pc struggle. That word is HOPE. Never lose it. I had lost it but have regained faith in that one word again. Thanks to my friend,Mark Bradford.
Today, Easter Sunday is significant in my life, even more so today. As a child, my Nan used to make us Easter bonnets. I could only wear mine to the church, as I had to change into my choir clothes for the service. The colours were always yellows and purples. My favourite colours to this day. The crown of the hat, she bought from Woolworth’s and covered it in tiny flowers, silk and lots of ribbons to tie under our chins. They were beautiful, shame we don’t do that today. This would have been late 50’s early 60’s. The Sunday service was made extra special because it brought the return of flowers into the church. During lent the church was cold and bare. Although I understood the significance of this, Easter always made up for it and was special. Wonderful resounding music, anthems and hymns, promising a future, a life with love.It heralded new beginnings. A new start. Another chance. This is what has instigated this blog.
The past few years as I have said before, have been horrid. The past 12 months alongside of this has been horrendous. Now that David is in recovery and my health issue has been a ‘wait and see’ , I think it time to reach out and try to make things better. A great deal has been said on social media, blogs written posts made, blackening my name. People have listened to lies about me, have been told things about my life that came as a surprise, even to me. They spoke about me with ‘authority’, knowing every aspect of my life in detail, some that I didn’t even know myself. During a long telephone chat last week, of which I talked of in my last blog, I spoke about my son’s illness. The voice at the other end of the phone, seemed shocked and told me that he didn’t even know I had a son. That one sentence , to me, said it all. They don’t know me. The people who caused me so much pain and hurt. They know nothing about me or my life yet they were so quick to believe people, who also knew nothing about the past 40 years of my life. But as I said last week, I bear them no ill. He also said, he admired my honesty, on here, in my books and to the faces of those I am able to actually see. This is the only way I have of communicating with the people involved. With honesty. Through social media. So here it is.
I am now looking forward. The old saying ‘ Don’t look back you are not going that way’, springs to mind. No I am not going back there. I won’t forget the past year, the illness , the fear and the hurt. I can’t and don’t think I should as it taught me so much. The immense periods of waiting that goes along with pc. Taught me patience. I learned that I was not invincible. Not immune to fear, pain and anger. I learned to hope again and felt emotions that were strangers to me. I also learned to cry.
I won’t forget the earlier part of the year. The horror that was Mother’s day. The loss of my publishing contract and my book by people whom I loved and trusted and who once loved me. All of this was forgotten during that time, but no, I won’t forget but want to move on. I understand some of what happened, for the reasons I have written in earlier blogs. I am not angry with anyone, I understand but what this past year has taught me is that life is short. None of us know how long we have and we shouldn’t waste it being estranged from family. We should, especially now at this awful time, this current sadness and imminent loss, need to start again. No-one can undo what has been done. I have apologized for any part I played, out of fear and desperation. But we need now to be together. So if you read this, please get in touch. Comment, email, telephone or message me. Any way you feel happy with.
I will do everything in my power to come down to Hampshire as soon as I can and hope to meet with some of my family and try to put this right. I always said I was willing to face any one but David’s illness prevented that. Although I am still unwell and he is still recovering, we need to do this as soon as is viable. Seeing Tony is something I want, need and will do and it needs to be soon.
Today is a new beginning. Easter shows us that things get better, brighter and that there is a future for us all. So let’s enjoy and appreciate each other please.
Happy Easter everyone.
Thankyou for reading xx
carolannwright 
Thanks for sharing your feelings !
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You are very welcome Mariaan. I have written blogs since my husband’s diagnosis. They are honest, open, raw and sometimes angry. I don’t know how else to write except with honesty and am glad that it touches some others on here who might feel the same. It is also a tool I use with clients, to write down everything and share what you write Helps off load. Take care. x
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