A Smile Can Hide a Thousand Tears. I know.

 

I do try, not to feel it, I mean. Not to think about it. I do try not to keep hankering for the life before PC. Sometimes I even succeed. I went a whole hour yesterday without thinking of this unwanted, uninvited visitor in our lives. It was almost bliss. I call cancer with a little ‘c’, a visitor because it isn’t welcome and is not staying. It can’t. We will fight it with every ounce of our being. Sometimes I succeed. I can appear happy and positive, even smile, and then wallop. Like a slap in the face….Sad returns.

David will say, ‘don’t look so sad. We will be okay”. That’s where I struggle. Our whole life it seems is in turmoil and he says ‘don’t look sad’. I am sad! I scream inside. I am more than sad and why shouldn’t I be? You have cancer. My brother is dying of cancer and I can’t see him. My son is still recovering from paralyses and I am not well. I miss my family in Hampshire, my daughter and grandsons. These are the times we should all be supporting each other but this can’t happen because of past issues and lies. So I am sad! Of course I am sad! I want to shout all of this out loud, to David, to the world. But I don’t. I smile at him and reassure him that I am okay.

I lie and reach for my mask.

Life before we know what we know now, is what I want. What I hanker for. At least, life before 2013, when everything seemed to fall apart. Because thinking about this, our life was not as it should have been back for few years before David’s diagnosis. With a cancer diagnosis, we blame that nasty for everything. We live believing that life before its arrival was wonderful. My memories of the good times, when all of my family were in touch, when I saw Lisa and her boys, before the nasties of the past 3 years, actually wasn’t the reality of life before this prostate cancer. I have been told by my daughter not to mention her, but how can I not? She was a huge part of my life for more than 40 years. She is still my daughter. I lost her in my life because I needed to be honest and not lie for her. Honesty is important to me and so, I thought, to her. This lie was huge and I couldn’t do it. So mentioning her I am and will. I have written about the events leading to the estrangement of my family and so won’t write again about that. But, as ‘family’ now realise that it was the lies from my youngest sister Trisha, who poisoned my daughter’s mind and that of my ‘family’. She, Trisha, even tried writing to my friends on Social media, people she didn’t know but it kicked back at her, because the people she chose had known me all my life and also knew of her. I have tried to make things right with my nieces and hope they will soon get back in touch with me. I have never been able to visit them and tell them my side of the events, to tell them the truth. Yes I ‘lost it’ with my brother months ago because I was hurting and desperate when he said he had to stop contact with me. I have apologized for that but I had a lot on my plate, David’s diagnosis and the issues surrounding Lisa. Tony and I are okay now thank goodness. But they, family, know now what these two people are capable of. When I see ‘family’ stuff on social media I want to shout. ‘I am family. What about me?’ but that never did any good as a child. So I don’t.

So life before PC was not in reality as good as I try to tell myself. So cancer with a little ‘c’ wasn’t the first to cause havoc and pain but is certainly the worst.

On good days I write positive posts on Social media. I try to act like life is good. But actually at this moment in time, life sucks!

On not so good days, like today, my smile slips and the mask disappears and I am here in all my vulnerability, pain and fear. On these days the ‘what ifs’ return in all their nasty glory.

What if it’s spread?

What if David doesn’t make it?

What if Tony dies before I see him?

What if my health condition is serious?

What if either one of us dies??

I begin to think about our mortality, then of your family. My animals, what would happen to them? The sad is now back with a vengeance. The sad, the fear and the helplessness.

I try to tell myself that David is recovering well. Before Friday of this past week, he looked well and was behaving as he used to. He showed no sign of being ill. We will see the consultant on this Friday for the results of his histology post op and his PSA test. I tell myself that all is well because he has recovered. But then I remind myself that this was how I felt before we had the biopsy results. He had never had symptoms, never been ill. He was fit and active and I had no reason to think the biopsy would be anything but negative.

It wasn’t. ‘You have cancer’. 3 little words that turned our world on its head. Life has never been the same since.

So this coming week will be hard. Waiting is always hard and there is a great deal of it with this nasty disease.

On Friday of last week, we went to see his GP as he had a lot of pain in his heel and it had swollen. He has torn his Achilles tendon and is now waiting for an urgent appointment with physio and an orthopedic specialist. He was a little dejected and asked me, ‘What next?’ We didn’t have to wait long. The practice nurse rang to tell him that his blood sugar was raised and they were concerned about him developing early Diabetes! What next? Well now we know!!

I smile though all of this most of the time. I reassured him about the latest health worries and put the smile on my face and after giving him a hug, as much for me as for him, I tried to make light of it all. I again, reach for my mask.

David usually bounces back from anything, if he needed to and so do I. But recently, these past few days, I seem to have lost my bounce. This is not where we envisaged our lives to be now. I know ill-health hits us all but not all at the same time. I feel ashamed to say, I am feeling more vulnerable now than at the beginning. I have read on social media of others, partners who are finding it all just too much. I feel for them. Yes, sometimes life’s blows are too much.

Since coming to West Wales, in 2010, life has not been so good. Family ‘stuff’, health issues and the like have taken their toll. I watch my beloved husband and sometimes see him, just sitting. Either out on the verandah, or in the conservatory and looking, yes, sad. I ask if he is okay and he always says the same thing. He will reach for me and we will cuddle. ‘As long as we are together, Yes, I am okay’. It breaks my heart. I am letting him down by allowing myself these feelings. Letting him down by pretending all is well with me when inside I am falling apart. Sad doesn’t cut it. It is much bigger than sad. Am I still angry? Haven’t got the energy for that emotion today but need to get it back. Anger is my friend. I do things I need to do when angry. Angry is my bodyguard. Sometimes a useful emotion. But today the energy for that is not here.

David said last week, that he felt almost normal again. What is normal? I don’t know anymore. I can’t remember. I am happy he is doing well, in spite of the latest setbacks, he will be fine, I know. I smile, encourage him and lie like the proverbial and say I am okay. I paint on my smile, I keep it here for as long as I can. Try not to let it slip. I tell clients, it’s okay to cry. You don’t have to be strong all the time. But that’s for them. But I do. I have to be strong. Who says so? I do and always have. I can ‘pretend’, I did this throughout my painful childhood. Sometimes as a young mum. Put on a smile while my heart was breaking. I am well-practiced.

But sometimes, like now, whilst writing this blog, my mask slips and the tears are very close.

So when you see a smiling face. When someone says ‘I’m okay’. Sometimes they are not. In past blogs I have tried to give others permission to have these feelings. To be scared, afraid, helpless, angry and yes sad. So maybe some of my own advice??

Thanks for reading. x