The Nasty Effects of the ‘f’ Word in cancer.

The first 40 or so years of my life, I lived with fear as my constant companion. As a child, I was afraid of my abuser, afraid of the abuse. I was afraid of the woman they called my mother. I was afraid of the loneliness I felt. Fear was huge and always present. I was afraid of life itself.

As a young mum I was afraid of getting it wrong. Afraid of making mistakes. Afraid for my children and that made me possessive of them especially around men. I was afraid for my daughters’ futures and scared for the plight of my son, who was taken from me when I was ill , and adopted. So fear played a huge part in my life.

When I met David, the fear disappeared. I felt safe. Loved. Happy, free from the demons of the past and safe in my little family. I wrote my life story which became a bestseller, wanting to inspire other sufferers, also laying ghosts if you like, from readers messages, it helped many victims and the fear was a thing of the past.

In 2012,I knew what fear was, once again, when entrenched in a nasty 6 month hoax by a troll. All the fears from the past came flooding back and I felt like a frightened child again. Then family ‘stuff’. These past 3 years have left me reeling. Abuse and bullying from family was the start. Fighting for my professional career was next. Then the biggest of all, my wonderful man, my rock, was diagnosed with prostate cancer. My world fell apart. I have written about this in past blogs. About how terrified I was, scared, overwhelmed and felt very much alone and helpless.

This past week, I have read many posts of social media, from wives and girlfriends, some from men themselves; all telling of this horrid thing called fear. Some are newly diagnosed, some are in the middle of treatment, some even say they can’t take anymore. I ditto the above at times. PC not only affects our men but spreads its evil, yes I use a strong word but that’s how I feel. It spreads into the very core of our being. We feel emotions some of us never knew we had. We become angry. We question the justice in this illness. But most of all we feel fear. Everyone of us at some time will be scared and it doesn’t stop there. At first we are in shock. The ‘why us’, the ‘it can’t be true’, the ‘how could this happen?’, come rushing into our mind sometimes stealing our sanity. If like me you are not a tearful person, you may have been more than surprised when you suddenly break down into uncontrollable sobbing. I have cried more these past months than ever in my life. Having taught myself as a child that crying only gets you a telling off or more of the kind of ‘love’ you don’t want. It was many years before last year, that I hadn’t really cried. Even now, fear of what the future may bring scares the hell out of me. Yes, I know that ‘Fear’ and understand where my fellow travelers on this journey none of us signed up for, are coming from.

I have tried commenting on new posts, try to encourage, give hope and strength to those struggling, as I sometimes do. At the time of writing these comments, it helps me in a way. ‘Whistle a happy tune’ comes to mind. I know how you can feel the only one who feels this way. I know how guilty you feel and how the need to apologise for your posts, some of the group feels necessary. I have done this myself said sorry for something I have written. It is never needed. There is never a need to say sorry for venting your feelings and most of all your fears. I don’t know if my comments help but as long as they don’t hurt anyone, I will probably continue to try my best.

But.

Fear, the ‘f’ word, steals today. While we are feeling afraid , mostly of the unknown, mostly for the future, we allow fear to determine our present. It can stop us living life to the full. Stop us enjoying anything, having fun, just living a normal life. It can intimidate us. Make us think too hard. Most of all it can steal the very emotion we need to survive. Love. We all need to be loved and need to love our partners. We need to let the ‘fear’ word know, in no uncertain terms that it won’t win! It won’t control us! Fear is just a word. Yes it is a strong emotion and can undermine our very existence….if we let it. But ultimately, it is only a thought about the future, something we can’t control so we need to put it where it belongs when we can. Out of our heads. Easier said than done, I know I fight it every day.

When the emotions around our partners diagnosis hits us, we often feel totally alone. I did. It was suggested by the clinical team that I researched all I could. I did this but tried to do it in one hit. Big mistake! I became overwhelmed by the amount of information on the net. I decided , as I have always believed, that the best people to ‘talk’ to are those going through the same or having gone through the same. Hence my joining the support groups on social media. The help, support and information has been incredible and so helpful. Now its my turn to try to do the same. In my professional role, I find giving the client permission for the feelings and emotions they have, is one of the best tools I can use. We need to be told its okay. We need to be encouraged to explore our feelings. Be allowed to shout, swear, scream and vent.We need permission above all else and then acknowledgement. In my own small way, I want to give every one suffering from this awful destructive disease, whether the sufferer or the partner, permission to feel the fear, permission to feel anger. Sadness. injustice. Just to say it’s okay to be afraid. But don’t let cancer with a little ‘c’, be overtaken by the next worst word in our journey, the ‘f’ word. Fear. And then to acknowledge how hard it is to have a normal life during abnormal times. But we can try. Pushing the fear of tomorrow away until needed, if ever, and try and live one day at a time, is a start. 

Things will change. Hopefully they will improve, get better but what they won’t do is stay exactly as they are currently. Solace? Not sure but true.

Days like today, Mothers Day, I find very hard every year but this year much harder. Lovely sunny weather, flowers beginning to bloom and trees beginning to come back to life are all beautiful things in my life today. But I am scared, fearful to feel happy, there it is again, the ‘f’ word. Because lurking in the shadows, waiting to push itself back into my mind and steal any enjoyment I am feeling , is the reality of our situation. I can’t let it in every time it pushes. I can’t let it steal my time with my family especially my time with my rock, David. I just can’t. Yes it takes every ounce of strength. I am whistling that happy tune and fooling everyone… but not, as the song says, ‘fooling myself’. But we owe it to ourselves to fight this fear. We owe it to our partners to fight. Together we can do this. I know we can. We have no choice. But let’s not make it about choice. Let’s make it about love. Love for our partners. Love for each other. Love for life itself. And love for us, ourselves. We can be as scared as we choose, we can worry our present away but it won’t affect our future. It won’t change anything. So let’s not do that.

I hope you all had a peaceful Sunday whatever you did and how ever you celebrated or didn’t. Thankyou for reading. x

Author: carolannwright

I am a Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist and author. I live on a beautiful smallholding near the Welsh coast with my husband, daughter and ponies, dogs, cats and ducks. An wonderful peaceful place to live. I have a Masters in Counselling CBT and run my own private practice where I see a diverse group of clients. View all posts by carolannwright