Today is a bad day. I only usually blog on Sundays but today I feel the need to write. A few weeks ago I had a strange ‘episode’ in the night. I went to get out of bed and the room began spinning around me. The mirror on the wall behaved as though it were being chased and trying to catch up with the painting on the other side of the room. I tried to focus on one thing, as learned when dancing and having to spin. Focus on one spot and the spinning is bearable. Couldn’t do that and it certainly was not bearable. The spinning seemed to get faster and faster and was so scary. I had to wake my husband to take me to the bathroom. I couldn’t stand properly and couldn’t balance. He helped me and then helped me back to bed. HE HELPED ME! He has cancer and he helped me!! That just isn’t right! Even when I closed my eyes the room continued to spin. It reminded me of years ago, when I had possibly had too much wine, but now being tea total, that wasn’t the cause. It disoriented me and stole all of my confidence , this lasted most of the following morning.
A few weeks later, after a similar episode and because I need to be well for David, I mentioned it at my weekly blood test and my GP has ordered a head CT. He thinks it is stress related but needs to make sure it is nothing else. It could be inner ear issues, or stress Vertigo but whatever it is I don’t want or need it. Not now. Not when I need to be my strongest.
David has often nursed me through illnesses that I have had, after operations and comforted me through all the nasties by family, over the years. He is, as I have said before, my rock. And here am I, physically falling apart just when he needs me. This can’t happen! I won’t let it. But I can’t stop it. I know illness has no time agenda, I know these things happen but once again I am saying, it’s not fair! I want to be there for him, be at his side as he goes down to surgery and there when he returns. I want to be with him through everything and anything he may go through and I need to be fit and strong. But what if, I am ill at the wrong time? What if I can’t be there when he has surgery? What if…….
When my daughters were growing up and if they were unwell, I was there, no matter how I felt. Mothers do that , we just get on with it. I have always ‘got on with it’. So why can’t I now?!?
Here is the physical why. When these ‘attacks’ occur, I can’t stand unaided. I can’t see properly, I can’t balance. I feel sick and over hot. So am unable to actually look after me let alone anyone else. I am scared to go to sleep in case it happens so my tiredness is growing every day.
Emotionally and psychologically, I am so scared, that all the worry and stress, caused my ‘family’, my eldest daughter and youngest sister particularly, have rendered me so poorly I won’t cope.This vendetta against me,hasn’t gone away as I thought it would and hoped it had.
I write on here , as you all know, to help process things that happen in my Journey with cancer with a little ‘c.’ Last week, I had many likes and many comments and lovely words of encouragement and thanks for sharing my thoughts and feelings. One of the reasons for the blog is to hopefully help others who feel this way, or the way I feel. I want to say it’s okay to be scared, to be angry, to be sad. Being given permission is something I do in my work with clients. I see no wrong in what I write as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone and is the truth.
I was ‘told’ by my daughter Lisa, to remove the blog and stop writing about her. Not personally, not in an email but as a comment on my blog!. I won’t do that. For the past 3 years she has shut me out of her life, because of my honesty. The only contact has been through nasty lies on social media. She has caused me so much pain and hurt that I don’t recognize the girl who grew up with me and with whom I shared a great love.No emails, no phone calls, nothing. She wishes I were dead and has ‘replaced me’ with her evil aunt. I have accepted that now but am confused as to why, if she has ‘kept clear ‘ of me, her words, she is reading my posts and my blog? Our families give us most of our memories. Some good, some bad but they are there no matter what. Our past influences and impacts on our present. The things done to me over the past 3 years are the very reason I am so low and so poorly. If none of that had happened, I wouldn’t be so run down now and would not be afraid of not being here for my wonderful husband and wouldn’t be writing this blog. So I won’t remove anything and will continue to write as I need to, to help me cope with how things are.
I am scared today, for the reasons given above. The what ifs! I am angry that I am here, in this cancer place. I am angry that the man I love is having to go through what he is going to go through. I am angry that ‘family’ have rendered me this low.
I will close now with thankyou’s to everyone who wrote to me last week. On my posts or in pm’s. It means a lot. I want to send you all, ‘sufferers and care givers’, my love and respect on this journey none of us chose to take. Hugs to you all x
carolannwright 
I would take the high road, honor your daughters request and apologize for any hurt you have caused.
Life is full of crap for everyone, you by being tender and loving towards those in your family that don’t get your journey and not going to get by labeling so and so a witch.
Take a breath, air out your feelings and start problem solving from there.
My husband has adgressive prostrate cancer, I am in poor Heath and my husband is in worse. Neigh unto financial ruin, but no body really cares and it is not their problem.
So look at what is really important and invest your energy there.
Good luck on your journey.
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Thank you for your comments and especially the good luck for my journey. I hope you and your husband’s health improves or that you find the strength to cope. I also hope you have family around you who love you and care about you. With all due respect, you would need to know the full story, as in my very first blog, to understand that my daughter does not want or warrant my forgiveness or, sad to say my love. Over the years she has betrayed that love and I have loved her and forgiven her as mums do. In the past 3 years she has called me every nasty name you can imagine, not to me but on social media because I could not sign an official statement that was full of lies. I have supported her through an adoption process looking forward to a new family member at the end and she shut me out of her and my grandchildren’s lives. I won’t say on here why she said she did this but she knows and so do my family here. No warning, just horrible comments. She was ‘found’ by my youngest sister who had nothing to do with any of us for more than 40 years, most of my daughter’s life but knew my daughter and I had fallen out and ‘went in for the kill ‘ so to speak, just to hurt me. My youngest sister is a nasty person, doesn’t know what honesty is and has filled my daughter’s head with vile lies, then spread these lies around the family. I am not there to defend myself. But now, sadly, the whole family can see these two for who they are. I have lost out, here, not her. She has made herself unlikable to me. We ‘put up’ with things from family that we would not take from anyone else but she went too far when she told horrific lies, on here, on any social media outlet she could, affecting my life, my family and my career. So, I am no longer to prepared to take the high road because she doesn’t want me to, as she has told me many times. She wished me dead. When my own daughter calls me wicked names on open social media for all to see but has never discussed it with me, she went too far. Yes it breaks my heart but after 3 years, the hurt is a tiny bit less and I have other people to think of. She has hurt my beloved husband and now hurt and betrayed my sick brother, in a way that is unforgivable. My brother is terminally ill, my husband has cancer, my dog has cancer and I am unwell. So thank for commenting but you should really know the full story, that only she and I know and my family here. Her hatred of me has nothing to do with my journey, it is because of my honesty that she turned on me, nothing else. I have friends and family here who love us all and know what we are going through. This blog is just my journey, my way of off loading. Lisa wants nothing to do with me and I have no idea why she is reading it or following everything I write. I will not stop doing something that is helping me cope and helping others who have the same emotions that I have, minus the daughter stuff. But thank you.
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