A Blog Of Two Parts

This has been a horrible week. Didn’t think life could get any worse but here it is, wallop, more bad news. As I said last week, I am alienated from ‘family’ because of the lies spoken by my eldest daughter Lisa and my youngest sister Trisha. The treatment dished out to me over the past 3 years have left me angry, hurt and broken. Just at a time in my life when I need all the strength to face the future here ‘on the farm’ with my husband. And now the prognosis of my beloved brother.Lisa and Trisha have caused me more damage, both as an author and as a woman, that I would have thought possible. The author part I have managed to repair, but me, well it still hurts beyond belief on a daily basis. After wicked lies and slurs on my page on Mothers Day by my eldest daughter, I felt ashamed to be her Mum.

Why I am surprised that she has now hurt someone dear to me, someone I love and have loved all of my life, someone who is now very poorly;why I am surprised? I don’t know. If she could steal and lie and cause so much trouble to me, her Mum, she could do it to anyone. I tried to tell him and ‘family’,how easy she found lying. How she couldn’t be trusted and how her evil aunt was feeding lies about me to her, that she knows are such, but is, for some reason believing and then telling family. But he trusted my daughter. He has always known that I am honest. Something he teased me about all my life. I suppose he thought ‘like mother like daughter’. As I have never hurt him, never let him down, he thought she wouldn’t either. But sadly, she is nothing like me. That isn’t being conceited, I am not perfect but I am honest and don’t tell anything but the truth.

There’s a saying about ‘the sins of the fathers…..’. I am experiencing the sins of my daughter. I am so ashamed and angry that she could betray someone so fragile and trusting and not turn a hair, so angry that it physically hurts. Any betrayal is bad but this one is huge. Now she has gone too far. We take our children hurting us, because they are our children. But now she has hurt and caused pain to those I love. Those who believed in her. I just hope his children can get back what is his. They cannot undo the harm done, the trust broken, but they can make her give him back, what she has taken.

But there is a positive here, I hope. Those who saw me as the bad guy. Those who believed all the made up stories about my trying to ruin Lisa’s adoption of a little girl etc. The lies told by Trisha about Lisa’s dad. The lies told by both, about me. Maybe, just maybe, these ‘family’ will now see these two relatives for what they are. Trouble makers, liars and thieves. Not easy for me to say about my own daughter but as she disowned me 3 years ago and said I was ‘dead to her’ it doesn’t matter. It is the truth.None of’family’ have given a thought to things they have said about me,lies, on social media over the years. So I am not going to dress up the truth. 

The hurt I have been feeling for 3 years has now become so much sharper, so much deeper.I am hoping now that ‘family’, my nieces especially, will once more come back into my ‘family’ at a time we need to stick together and be as we always were.

As you can tell, I am angry, ashamed and embarrassed but I need to use the anger as strength, something that has been missing this week but previously has helped me deal with the other important things in my life, my main priority. My husband. The family and animal charges I have here.

Now back to the reason for the blog. My cancer journey.

It has been a hard week,  with our little dog having surgery, to remove cancer. She is doing well and coping with the restrictions she has post op. I will know next week if there is any need to worry further, when the biopsy results come back.

We now have a date for David’s pre assessment and his surgery. Now it is real, the nightmares have returned. The fears of losing him have come back big time. I don’t show him,but in the small of the night, I lie next to him, listening to him breathing and loving him more every second. I want to pray but can’t. I used to pray a lot. As a child I asked God to help me, to stop the pain, the abuse, but he wasn’t listening. Often through my life I prayed, asking for guidance, reassurance but nothing. I prayed for my best friend during her cancer illness, for my eldest sister Georgina in hers. Again, he never heard me. During all the pain and hurt of the past years, I have prayed for it to stop or the strength to survive it. Nothing. So, no, I don’t pray now. I show David my love in every and any way I can. I talk about his condition, when he wants to. We read about it, when he wants to . He comforts me and I comfort him. But the huge hurt prevents me from showing how I really feel. The hurt of the past few days has taken over and that makes me angry.

My brother can’t help how he is, his illness, of course he can’t. But if David didn’t have his illness we could have visited Hampshire. So I am again angry at cancer! It Isn’t my brother’s fault I feel so ashamed of my daughter, of course it isn’t and as my niece says, it isn’t my fault, not my responsibility, Lisa is grown woman. But responsible is how I feel along with the shame and hurt.You ask any Mum if they would feel the shame because of the actions of their child. Of course they would!

When pain hits me, emotional pain, I used to go out to my horse, Star and sit or stand with her, feeling her strong warm body against me, breathing in her wonderful smell. It always helped me. She was my friend, my confidante, I gained so much being with her. Sadly she is no longer here. So times of huge sadness I will often go to her resting place in her paddock, our top field and talk to her. But the hurt this week, has brought back the hurts and betrayals of the past 3 years, the fear of the cancer in my wonderful man, the fear for the future etc. and I am too scared to do this. Afraid that if I do, I will fall apart and won’t be able to get back together.

I thought I was all hurt out. I was wrong. I am trying so hard to stay positive but it is getting so hard. I tell David I am okay. I have been told, on here by lovely concerned ‘FB Friends’, that David will be fine. I am almost sure Ellie will be fine. As for my brother, well that’s something I am still struggling to come to terms with. He is so far away. I so want to give him a hug.Distance sucks!

We have been putting together the things he will need in hospital, I have to stop myself from shaking. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to face the reality but somewhere, back in the depths of mind, I know it has to happen. But I can’t reach that far back. I feel quite inadequate today, not able to stop what is happening, not being able to take the cancer from David. Not being able to visit my brother, not able to make him better. I know in reality I can’t do any of this but for some reason think I should be stronger. Be the strong survivor my readers write to. The strong capable Carol Ann I used to be. But somewhere, once again, she has gone missing. I need her back. Not tomorrow or next week. Now! I need her now!.

Well there it is in all it’s glory. Angry, sad scared and hurt. Not bad for a Sunny Sunday  is it. I should say sorry for such a post but I promised at the beginning of this journey I would ‘say it as it is’ This is how it is. A bad day.

Thank you for reading . x

 

Postscript.

I have had many viewings on this post and many private messages and emails so thought I would write an update.

Now the inevitable has happened and I have lost my beloved brother, those who believed the lies told by my daughter and her aunt, have realised who the liars are. Seen them for who and what they are. My nieces etc. have welcomed me back into the fold. Have accepted me back into the family and for that I am eternally grateful. I may have lost Tony but regained his and my family. Back to where I am glad to be and will make new memories.

Further postscript. . xx

My brother took his sister Trisha and niece to court and even though he died before the verdict was made, and although they were all found guilty, I am glad his family continued his fight.My daughter had to pay the money back and will now have a criminal record, something I tried to prevent. I had suggested that she settle before the final court case and sentencing but she ignored me. She is still my daughter and I was still hoping to help her see sense. We all know that my sister should have been punished and so should her boyfriend Ben who colluded, on the last court case, in placing all the blame on my daughter. They retracted their earlier statements that said the money had been a gift and said that ‘at no time had they thought it had been a gift’. Acknowledging that it had only been a loan. Leaving Lisa to face everything on her own. I had told my daughter my sister would ‘drop her in it’. I had warned her as soon as I knew Trisha was back in her life, after more than 35 years with no contact, not to trust her. But she did. I hope now she has learned a valuable lesson. Maybe now she will understand that I only had her welfare at heart, as always .I will always love my daughter, Lisa and her children, my grandchildren, Harrison, Jordan and Hannah and hope she knows that. I don’ t have to like her or what she has done over the past years. But love her, yes.

 

Postscript to my postscript.

This post has been visited so many times I am thinking of publishing it again but in more detail. I have tried hard to make peace with my daughter but again, failed. After everything she has done, to me  I know Tony would have liked us to make things right. But after getting so close to doing so, she once again pushed me aside.I will never give up on her. Unconditional love means just that. My love will continue, forgiveness I don’t know. Until I can understand why she did the things in the past 6 years that she has done, especially what she has done to me,I just don’t know but was willing to move on, whatever that means. I think because she has told the lies told to her by my sister to anyone who will listen, it may be impossible for her to backtrack , so having me back in her life can’t happen. Only she can put that right. But I do need to know the whys and hows to prevent anything damaging ‘us’ again. One-day I hope she will see this and contact me. With Christmas upon us again, I hope memories of Christmas’s with me and our family, may make her rethink and get in touch. I can always hope.