love – carolannwright

The Thankyou’s The Forgiveness and the Goodbyes’.Saying Farewell to 2025

Well here we are at the end of another year. One year older, one year wiser? Not sure about that. But with the end of this year I know I am not the same person I was at the beginning.

2025 began with me recovering from the worst 4 years of my adult life. The worst of the 40 years spent with my beloved David.

We had lived in wonderful Wales for more than half of our life together, very happily. 14 years in Monmouthshire and 12 years in Ceredigion. We never intended to leave England but the MOD had other plans and because we had the ponies, David going to Bristol meant moving across the water to Wales was the obvious answer to this dilemma. I didn’t want it, we didn’t want it but my, how it changed our lives. For the better. We could never have dreamed our life could be as happy or as good.

Living in Monmouth we renovated an old cottage and loved every minute. We began our life in earnest with more ponies, dogs and cats. It was wonderful. A few issues with family but not serious. I went back ypo college and eventually took a degree and gained a Masters in CBT Counselling and began my own practice. A career I loved.

When David retired we decided to go mortgage free and move to West Wales, where we bought an old farmhouse, a big house with a few acres of grazing and beautiful lakes and ponds. Our ‘farm’. I would pinch myself some days not believing I could ever have been so happy.Surrounded by hills, and fields and watching our growing brood of ponies growing and grazing in our paddocks, right outside of our home.

Life was amazing for 12 years, apart from ill health and again, family issues, people intent on trying to ruin our happy place. Even though family again caused us so much pain, trying to ruin me and destroy our happy life. They failed. Our pony, horsey family increased. We found ourselves the boarding home of a pair of Canada geese, Gordon and Gloria who came every year, had their brood and once fully grown, left again only to return the next year. Our ponds were the home for around 30 Mallards who frequented the barn at feeding time and shared our lovely home. Life was blissful.

After the horrors of the pandemic, life changed. David and I seemed to have been shut out of our lovely family life. Never knew how or why but it happened and destroyed something precious in both of us. We had lost all of our ponies, then Ellie Mae my little girl Shih Tzu and both of my lovely cats, Boukie and Luther. Only Cody remained. It was the worst time of my life, we found ourselves on our own, empty fields, and paddocks, empty ponds the geese did not return and the ducks were very few. My family were not around and memories of the wonderful times echoed as though they had never happened. I was in shock. David was heartbroken , we then lost Cody and my heartbroke over and over again. We were lost.I had a breakdown and the only way out of the emptiness we both felt, seemed to be to move back to where life for us both had begun and to ‘family’ we believed would love us. How wrong we were. We know now we were running away but you can’t run from heartache, it goes with you and you can’t shake it off or replace what was lost.

The following few years found us wavering in disbelief and sadness. Life was not good and Hampshire we realised was not our home. After a very short time we began looking to move back to Wales, Home.

Those Christmas’s in Hampshire were sad and lonely and this year we wanted to make sure happy was part of our vocabulary. And it was and is.

After 2 years of trying we eventually sold the Hampshire house and found a beautiful 200 year old cottage back in West Wales where we now live. Happy? Oh yes, blissfully happy again. Not the same happiness but so grateful for all that Wales has given us over the 26 years we have lived here. Wales is home and we don’t intend to ever leave.

So life now will be good, I am determined that whatever time David and I have left, worry will go out of the window. That sadness won’t get a look in. That the only people we both really need to consider is each other.

Yes we have our youngest down the road and that is a happy bonus, was not intentional. They came to us for Christmas and we went to them for Boxing day and it was really lovely. But they have their life and we are getting on with ours.

So after many years of worrying about others, of trying my hardest to bring my family back to together. To look after my siblings family and reunite them, I am done! Now David is my first priority. Marie and Jason are important but they have their own lives. I cannot fulfill promises to my sister Georgina or my Brother Tony, and bring the family together because the ‘family’ don’t want to know.

And do you know what!? That’s just fine.

I have wasted so many years thing of them, now before it’s too late, I need to concentrate on my husband and my home and yes… me.

So good bye not only to 2025 but to the years before that I wasted being ill, being sad, and being sorry for failing to fulfill other people’s dreams.

I was told this year by my nephew Steve, that although I had believed family had loved me, they hadn’t. They pretended, lied, took from me and bad mouthed me all the time professing to love me. Again, do I care? No.

Life is good. I have a wonderful man loving me. A daughter and son in law loving me and my eldest grandson loving me. And also, as a huge bonus I have a great grandson who will know me and love me I hope. Welcome Ryan Paul to our loving family I will look out for you as long as I am here.

So let us all look forward to the New Year with love, gratitude and care for each other and let those who cause us pain, drift into the oblivion of the past.

Happy New Year all and thank you for reading xx

What Is Wrong With The World Today.In my humble opinion.

As some of you will know, my childhood, on a personal level, was not good. But as a family, we were seen as a good family. A close family. Which I suppose in some ways we were. There were five of us children, the woman they called my ‘mother’ and my lovely patient and gentle ‘Dad’ William. But we had a huge family outside of us. Aunt’s Nan’s, great aunts and many 2nd cousins. Christmas’s and birthdays were always full of people, gatherings in the local church hall or at my Great Aunt Rose’s house. We shared weddings, christenings, 21st and 18th birthday parties and always had a huge number of people at all of these. Family.Every Sunday we would have a house full. Happy times. A sad times, deaths etc. we all pulled together. But not now.

I have a huge family from my siblings. Nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews but see or hear from only a very few. Sad. Many have been told lies, lies told to hurt me and alienate me from them. Lies told to my eldest daughter to do the same and it worked. I have never had the chance to tell my side. The truth.

I believe that this is what is wrong with the world today. On a larger scale, the family of Mankind has lost it’s way. Every country seems to want what other countries have and try and take it. The leaders convince their neighbours to be against others, alienating them against the ‘enemy’. And so we have many many wars. The world belongs to everyone and if only the leaders remembered that, we might have peace.But. People don’t communicate. Don’t talk about things. So that results in war, estrangement, bad patterns continuing and people getting hurt.

This begins at home.

So back to my blog. When I was growing up, the woman they called my mother would fall out with me often. There was no love from her to me for reasons I discovered as a 17 year old but that’s another story. On bad days, if she was cross, angry with me for no reason most of the time, except that I had ‘ruined ‘ her life by being born, she would stop talking to me. Later when we had all left home, if she wasn’t seeing me then no other member of the family could see me or talk to me. Not their choice but how she controlled them. This made for some very difficult times. When my brother got married, she wasn’t talking to me so I couldn’t go to his wedding. When my sister in law was dying, I couldn’t visit her and so on and so on.She continued after I was married and tried hard to influence or control my first daughter but I wouldn’t let her and this led to us falling out, many times.

She would fall out with my Nan, my Dad’s mum, once for 2 years, and forbid anyone of us to see her. My Dad and I did and she never found out. But it should not have been necessary for this ‘secrecy. None of my siblings liked the way she behaved.Dividing us, her children, controlling us and making us choose sides. Unforgivable. This was not love.

Because of this, I made very sure my children grew up to be able to see any of my relatives they chose to see, even the ‘woman the called my mother’. I would never let my feelings affect how they felt towards a person. If I fell out with family, not sure I can remember this happening, except with the youngest, Patricia who dropped out of my life for more than 40 years. I would have encouraged both of my daughters to stay in touch with any family that they wanted to. If I had a falling out, it would have been between them and me. When my eldest shut me out a while ago, she was in touch with my youngest and I would never have discouraged that.That is what a good Mum should do. This is what love is.

But I obviously failed where my eldest daughter is concerned.I have many letters here, letters of love. Thoughtful, caring letters and cards from her to me. I will always keep them.Because no matter what she does, I am her Mum and will always love the child she was.

I have 3 grandchildren, and now a new great grandchild. I love them all as I do my children, all of them. I had wanted to break this cycle of estrangement but over the years, if I fell out with my eldest daughter, she would make sure I didn’t see or have contact with my grandchildren.Alienating them against me with lies that I had no way of disputing to them. I have missed so much of their lives. I have messages from my youngest grandson that say I was ‘an awesome Nan’. I so wish I could see him now as a young man. But he is fiercely loyal to his mother, a misplaced loyalty that was one sided, that should never be necessary or wanted, he has never had the opportunity to know the truth, but he will. I have made sure he will. I have a granddaughter who I know could have enjoyed many happy times with me but never had the chance. She too, will in time know how much I wanted her and to be part of her life.My eldest grandson is in touch with me and I hope to visit very soon and see my new great grandson and give him a hug.

I am almost 80 years of age and don’t have time for all this nonsense. If you fall out with someone, you should not influence others to do the same. If more people valued family, valued what the older generation can give to the younger, life would be so much richer. No one has the right to alienate anyone against anyone. Ever.

I can’t do anything about the state of the world, the disagreements, the wars, the fighting etc. across so many countries.

But I will try in my ‘own backyard’ as they say.

So this estrangement, alienation needs to stop and I will do my very best to stop it. I have to. Family is family and we should all look out for each other. The world currently is a scary place. So many wars. So much heartache. Family needs to be close, safe and full of love. I will do what my eldest sister asked me to do, just one more time and try to bring my family back together.

Thankyou for reading.

What is Unconditional Love?’Unconditional love is basic goodness and the total acceptance of someone, but it does not mean tolerating abuse, neglect, or other dealbreakers. Unconditional love should not be painful.’Wikipedia

Unconditional Love Quotes: "Even though we are deceived, still believe. Though we are betrayed, still forgive. Love completely even those who hate you."

This past week has taught me that however we treat others, whatever we do for them, whatever they do to us, will always be interpreted in the way that suits them at that time.

Since my children were born, I have kept some things in memory boxes. Even for my son who did not grow up with me, he now has everything I have kept since he was born, photos poems, letters, a teddy and a locket that I wore since that day, with his photo in.Memories about his father in case he wants them. He has all of this now and oneday might even be happy that I kept the things in the box.

My eldest daughter of whom I have written in my blog, had given me some of the happiest memories, up until that time in my life when she was born, me as her Mum , her as my blessing. I have saved so much, photos, momentoes, her baby book, her first teddy, her school reports. Cards and letters from her and so many of the things that I thought would mean something in years to come.All in her memory box along with little trinkets she saved as a little girl.

We are moving away soon as some of you know, going back to Wales. Coming back to Hampshire was a mistake, we realise that now. People told me that, warned me against trusting her but gave her a chance and us a chance of having her and my grandchildren as part of our lives. Something we had so missed out on over the years. We were missing Wales so much but felt it worth it to have family back. But hearing things from mutual friends that she had told them was awkward, hurtful and embarrassing, so I asked her if she had believed all the lies she had been spreading about me, back beginning in 2016 and was sorry for all the pain she had caused. She wrote and said, she did believe them and was not sorry for the hurt she had caused. She did not want to discuss that and shut us out of her life.

Some would say if asked before last week, ‘don’t give her the box’ but it was kept for her and I always said I would give it to her.

Last Monday we drove round to her house and my husband took the box to her door and placed it on the doorstep. She was at home and part of me hoped she would come to the door and I would have made myself get out of the car and go over but she didn’t. I am very unwell, as some of you know but I would have somehow gone over to her. Hopeful? Maybe.So we drove away.

We didn’t hear anything and I just hoped she had opened the box and read the letter, a very honest, painful letter about how I was feeling and explaining to her that even after everything she had put me through over the years, I still loved her. I didn’t like her or what she had done but I did still love her. I reminded her of the things she had done that I would not have tolerated or forgiven, if anyone else had done them, but how time after time, I forgave her. Took her back even though friends and family told me not to. That’s what a good Mum does isn’t it?I had believed, that was unconditional love. But apparently, I was wrong and have never shown her that.

One of the worst things, was the lies she spread all over social media, to my friends and other family and to my Publisher, that lost me my Literary contract, something I could have taken her to court for, but didn’t. Why? Because she is my daughter.

A couple of days ago, her husband came round , he didn’t knock the door and left the Memory box on the doorstep. ‘Like your husband did?’ you might say. Yes but we have nothing against him, he and I and my husband, always got on well so he could have knocked and we would have answered and been civil and he would know that. But. He left the box and drove away.He said, he ‘just did as he was told’.

Then the pain, the hurt that I never want to feel again. I opened the box and there was a ‘note’ addressed ‘Carol’. Not Mum. Carol. I couldn’t believe she could be so cruel.It reminded me so much of things my ‘mother’ would have done. Those who have followed my story, read my books will understand that statement. I was mortified. The note was full of lies and accusations but mostly accusing me of not ever having shown unconditional love, never showing that throughout her life. Accusations of hurting my grandchildren, when she has made it impossible for me to have any contact with them. Accusing me of writing things about her, here, that upset them and things that are harmful to them. I have always tried to stay in touch with my eldest grandson and have done, until a year ago when she made it impossible for him to have contact.Everything she has done to me over the years, the pain, the hurt, the lies the stealing, I am supposed to just forget and never speak of it again.

When someone does something to hurt you and you don’t know why, it is human nature to ask why isn’t it? You can’t be expected to just forget it, act like it never happened. You need to know why, so that you can make sure you never repeat whatever it was. You can only learn from it if you know what ‘it’ was.You need to talk about it, say sorry if were wrong and move on.Otherwise it will always be there, in the way of any worthwhile relationship, in your memory of the consequences of whatever caused it.

If someone stabs you, you hurt, you bleed. The wound can be deep and leave scarring. The pain and memory of that injury can last for ever. When the memory surfaces, you are back there feeling the pain an suffering the trauma. Noone says, ‘forget it, it’s in the past. The scar is a constant reminder of the pain, fear and hurt.

It’s the same with betrayal, family inflicting harm on you , only worse because it was family. I needed to know why. I needed to know what made her believe such obvious lies, even when she was shown,given the truth. What made her act the way she did, hurt me the way she did, but she wouldn’t discuss it. Guilt? Shame? Don’t know and never will.

Why am I writing this? Because it is the only way I have of offloading. Thanks to my daughter and my youngest sister, family are now estranged and so, she has done what she wanted and left me on my own. Alone at a time in my life when that can be scary. Thankfully I have an amazing husband but don’t want to inflict my pain on him…again. Writing down your fears, worries confusion is something I always encouraged clients to do. Write it all down, read it back and keep it until your feelings change and things get better.In my case, they won’t. I am an elderly lady now and so my time is limited. We were talking earlier, David and I about the future and how we are now doing things ‘for the last time’. The last phase of our lives. I have always tried to do right by people, family etc but have they always done right by me? No. Mostly my daughter. So here I am doing what is right for me.

Sorry if you find it ‘upsetting’ not ‘right’ talking about family in this way. But has any of my family thought of my feelings when they have written on SM. told other people their lies? No? Has my daughter done right by me? No .

When someone does evil things to you and then blames you, that doesn’t make it right. It is far worse when that someone is a family member and I have suffered at the hands of family, as much as I am willing to and am now fighting back!

My real upset is, I just wish she had actually opened the box and found her hospital tag from all those years ago, the lock of hair that I had kept carefully for so long. Her first photos, her first book and toy. Her recorder from school, little keepsakes that she collected as a little girl. Poems I had written for her ‘My Blessing’ amongst them. I just wish she had taken the trouble to look inside and find the treasures I had kept carefully for her for over 50 years. But she didn’t. She chose to send it back, knowing how that would hurt me. She just picked up on the fact that I had written about the pain she had caused me over the years in my goodbye letter to her.If she had read on……… But she didn’t. Her feelings towards me, her Mum, are clear and I have to accept that.

I now have the Memory box that I have filled for all of her life. What I will do with it I am not sure but for today, it sits on my desk and I try hard to remember the little girl who loved her Mum so very much. My Blessing.

Thank you for reading.

Knowing Where You Came from. Our History

This post is for my family. Each of them. I have always felt it important to know where you come from. It is also important to be aware of health issues within the family that could be hereditary. I suppose these things are important to me, because at the age of 17, I realised my whole life had been a lie. It was shock and left me feeling lost and different from my siblings. To hear that William, my mother’s husband, our ‘dad’, was not actually my Dad, shook me to the core.So here I am , telling my family of their heritage. They don’t have to read it but if they have questions, I am the only one left now, the only one who can give them the answers and I hope they know, I will always tell them the truth. That has often been my downfall.

My siblings have all died in the past 10 years, the last of my sisters, Patricia, died on 11th September 2024. There is only me now, only me who can answer questions from my nieces and nephews, only me who can tell them of their relatives, their parentage. Tell them of my family, their family. Where each of them came from.

I will include references to blogs I have written about my sister June and my brother Tony.

So here goes.

Our mother Rosina Ellen Maud Bishop was born a Cooke, on the 8th of May 1916. She was an only child. Her mother Maud moved into the home of our great Aunt Rose French,in Tipner Portsmouth after my mother’s father went missing in action during the first world War. Aunt Rose had 9 children all of whom I knew until their deaths. My mother married Dad, William in 1935. He was an only surviving child of Amy Bishop from cornwall, his older brother, George, had been killed in an electrical accident on his 21st birthday. They had Georgina in 1937, June in 1939. Tony was born in 1944, then I was born, out of wedlock as they say, the result of an affair with William Musselwhite, while William was away fighting in the Second World War. 1945.Something my mother never forgave me for!! Rosina, lost a baby girl, stillborn, in around 1950 and had Patricia in 1953.Another stillborn baby boy in around 1956.

William died in 1985 from a heart attack during surgery for ulcers, at Haslar hospital. He had 10 Coronary episodes in 10 years, suffered ulcerated legs and although in great pain always managed a smile when I saw him.He was 77 years old.My mother died on the Isle of Sheppey in 2003 from a Pulmonary Embolism. She had reasonably good health and died at the age of 87.

As a family, we moved around a lot in the Bridgemary Gosport area. Life was not always good, especially for me but I have already written my story in my book, I DID TELL I DID under pseudonym Cassie Harte. My eldest 2 sisters spent a long while, at a residential home in Horsham Sussex, called Wedges Camp. It was for children who had suffered during the war years. They hated it there I know that. Georgina always had a hacking cough, for the whole of her life. Leaving her lungs quite weak. We would often be left with Georgina whilst our mother was out and she would read us stories. Happy times. Georgina worked at Gosport Memorial Hospital. She married David Neller from Petersfield, I was chief bridesmaid and it was a lovely wedding.After they married they lived until his death and for the rest of Georgina’s life, in a house that had belonged to David’s family for many years. They had 2 sons, Paul and Robert who still live in the family home in Froxfield. Georgina went on to develop breast and lung cancer and sadly died in 2014, in a hospice. I was in touch with her right up to the evening before her death. I am still in touch with her sons.

My sister June and I were very close as we grew into young women. June worked as a seamstress for a clothing factory. In a local laundry and then at Gosport Memorial Hospital with Georgina. We saw a lot of each other and against my mother’s wishes, I stayed in touch with June when she left home to marry Tony Slaymaker. They had a little girl Angela who sadly died of pneumonia when just a few months old. June and I were with her at the end and she allowed me to place a little gold crucifix around her tiny neck, it had been blessed at my confirmation. They had lived in Old Road Gosport but moved to Bridgemary soon after Angela’s death. June went on to have Simon and then Tina, now known as Samantha,who is my God daughter, then Wendy. June suffered a few Gynaecological problems as a young woman, having surgery in Gosport hospital at least twice.I was always in touch with Simon even after his moving to Canada but this came to an end for reasons only he and I know. After June’s husband Tony died from a complication of his diabetes, something his Mother had suffered before him. She met and married Keith and they moved into Fareham, where sadly June died in 2020 and Keith still lives there. When June was born, she developed Meningitis, twice and almost died. This left her a little different from her peers. Reading was difficult and some academical subject’s very hard for her but she was artistic, clever and a very good baker. June was kind, but gullible and some people including her youngest sister, took great advantage of that. Being with her, at times, was like being with an adult size child, with all the wonder that children have. It was a privilege to be part of her life. June and I were very close as we grew older, she died from heart issues and had suffered cancer of the uterus and lung cancer.My memories of June are many, funny, beautiful and heart warming. She holidayed with us in our cottage in Monmouth, for a few weeks, weeks I will never forget.She was very special and I loved her.https://wordpress.com/post/carolannwright.blog/8668

Then there was Tony. Tony was born February 3rd 1944. There were only 18 months between us and we grew up very close or as close as we were allowed to be. We both went to school in Bridgemary. Tony had Asthma all of his childhood and every time he was ill, I was so scared. He was my ally, my friend and I loved him so very much. We did a lot of things together, Woodcraft, etc. As he grew into a young man, I was worried he would leave home but at first, he worked for men’s outfitters in Southsea and for short time at the Landport Drapery store in Portsmouth. He then joined the royal Marines. We, Dad and I didn’t think he would get accepted because of his Asthma, but he did and the Royal Marines somehow made a man of him and the Asthma all but disappeared for those years. He had TB whilst in the Marines and spent many months in Haslar hospital, where I would visit and take the patients, fancy cakes etc. He married his first wife Linda lovely girl,in 1965, they had 2 sons but sadly Lin died when her youngest was a few months old, from Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Tony remarried another Linda and they went on to have 2 daughters, Tina and Alison. Tony’s second son Scott was raised by his first wife’s sister Jean. Tony sadly lost his fight against Lung cancer in 2018, breaking my heart.https://wordpress.com/post/carolannwright.blog/8016

My youngest sister Patricia, known as Trish for most of her life, was a tearaway and caused her parents many sleepless nights. Unlike the others, she was the most important person in her life. She was spoilt by my parents, our Dad adored her and she broke his heart many times. As a child I loved her dearly. As she grew up we grew apart. She left home many times in her teens, being brought home on several occasions by the local police. When I discovered she was pregnant at 14, and helped her tell her parents, our parents, we became close and she spent a lot of time with me. After the birth of her first son Brian, who was adopted, I had been to see them in Winchester Hospital,she came to live with me and my first husband Terry, on and off for many months. Then we lost touch again, nobody ever knew why. She would say there was a reason and I knew what that reason was. I didn’t and still don’t. Now I never will and that’s okay because I know I have never done anything to hurt any of my family so not sure why she chose this path. A waste of what should have been a close sister relationship. She married Micky Crooke who was the local telegram boy and they had a son Matthew. She did not suffer health issues that I knew of, until the smoking became a problem and I believe she developed COPD or so I have been told. We were estranged for over 40 years, her choice and so knew nothing about each other’s lives. I know she took our Mother to live with her and her 2nd husband husband Brian, on the Isle of Sheppey, where in phone-calls between our mother and myself, she would cry and say how unhappy she was. But Mum played games and I am sure she was doing this, just to upset me and that in truth,she was very happy with her youngest daughter. They were very much alike. I was still in touch with my mother and visited her on Sheppey and in hospital before she died. I have written about the complicated ‘relationship ‘ with my youngest sister here.https://wordpress.com/post/carolannwright.blog/9687

I have limited time here now. I am 78 years old and have poor health.I also have Asthma, well controlled. I suffer from FND, a legacy of my childhood apparently. I think it important that we know our heritage, health issues that might affect those who come after us. If there is anything my nieces and nephews want to know about their family, I am the only one left who can tell them. I don’t know why I have been estranged from those I love. I have tried very hard over the years to remain in touch with those in Canada and those here in Hampshire.When I have been able, I have been there for them, helped them when I could and always been honest and caring in my relationships. For their own reasons, and the lies of others, with no regress from me, I can do no more but give that information here. While I am still able.

So. I am here. I am willing to talk to any family member if they want or need to know anything of their past relatives.But they need to do that now.

Thank you for reading.