Today is baby loss day. A day we remember all the babes born sleeping, all the pregnancies lost for any reason. I am placing these two poems today for myself. Looking after me. Taking time out to allow myself to grieve. I have never done that. Never had the time. The first poem is for the much wanted and already loved grandchild that we had hoped for so long but wasn’t to be. The second poem is for my baby son whom I lost many years ago when I was very unwell, very unhappy in a bad marriage. I had two daughters Lisa and Marie who were small children when my baby son was lost at 6 and a half months. My son was never mentioned after the day I lost him, so grieving was not an option.
My heart still breaks for these babies. I still haven’t released my balloons as I promised at the end of the second poem because life has dealt me blow after blow in the past 3 years since I first wrote the second poem. I was at a point in my life where I knew I had to face great losses, some recent at that time, some that I had never acknowledged. It seemed the right time to let them go. But the balloons are still here, along with my memory box of these two lost babies.I haven’t had the strength. But very soon, I hope to do this.
My love goes out to all who have lost babies for any reason and send every bit of love.
Thankyou for reading. x
The dream that never was.
I said I understood
But I didn’t.
I said it was okay
But it wasn’t
I said all would be well
But it isn’t.
I said I would be there
And I was.
I said that I would cope
And I did.
I said I would hold tight
And I held.
They say you never were
But you were.
They said that it was right
But it wasn’t.
I wanted to say ‘stay’
But I couldn’t.
I had to say goodbye
And I did.
But now the weeks have past
And I’m sad.
They say that time will heal
But it hasn’t.
They say Life will carry on
But yours didn’t.
I want to move on
But I’m stuck .
You were never really real
But I knew you
They said ‘it’ never was
But you were.
I tried to say goodbye
But I couldn’t.
I tried to let you go
But I can’t.
I said I understood
But I didn’t.
March 2nd 2014.
2.30pm.
My baby boy.
Life was upside down when you happened
Everything was wrong but you were right.
I hoped that you could mend us but you couldn’t
My life was dark and then your tiny light.
With life so sad, the waiting seemed forever
You were a bright new life for me to hold
My little girls knew nothing of you
As soon as you were born, they would be told.
Things didn’t get any better but I was hopeful
When you arrived, then things would be okay
I wanted you so much, I loved you dearly
But sometimes that’s not enough, Life has its way.
On a lonely Tuesday morn, my wait was over
I tried to get us help but no one came.
So on my own your little life was taken
And after that nothing was the same.
You lay beside me for a fleeting moment
No cry, no sigh no breathe of life was there.
I couldn’t look, the pain was too engulfing
I crawled away and sat out on the stair.
I went downstairs my mind was screaming for you
The doctor came and told me what I knew.
She made me look and when I did, it broke me
What had my damaged body done to you.
Dad said God took you for a reason
I screamed that God had been so very wrong
They gave me pills, to let my body sleep
And then I did, but not for very long.
Then on the Wednesday morning I asked about you
What did they do with my precious 2nd son
A question no one has ever answered
I never knew where my lost babe had gone.
For all the years between that awful day and now
I sometimes want to cry for you my love
Nowhere to go and sit and give you comfort
I can only hope you are up in heaven above.
Today I say goodbye with kisses
Release my love up to you in the skies.
With every pretty balloon sent up towards you
The tears of love will hopefully run from my eyes.
So goodbye my precious baby, far too long since that awful September day,
One day we will meet again. Look after my tiny dream for me please.
Love
Your Mum.x
carolannwright 