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Before this week’s blog I want to thank everyone who commented, ‘liked’ or pm’d me re last weeks blog entry. Thank you all and I am glad it touched some, enough to have them contact me. I am as always, very grateful.

I have been researching, for a new book I am writing and have been overcome with my inability to have seen, what has been happening to me over the past 6 years. If I had been my own client, I would have seen it, but I didn’t. During the work for this book, I have been able to recognise symptoms and behaviours in myself, that show the effects, of  finding out David had Prostate cancer and how this affected me. As you know, this blog is from my perspective, not David’s and I know, often resonates with other wives/partners of men on the same journey as me.

Over the past few years, my mind would flip between ruminating over events since diagnosis, David’s diagnosis of Prostate cancer, and trying to ground myself, to be able to cope with my conflicting, sometimes over whelming emotions. I would find myself re living the day we were told, the devastation I felt, the ‘normality’ of my husbands mood. As those who read my blogs  regularly, you will know how my mind becomes transfixed  on the ‘what ifs’. How the fear can show as abject panic, taking over my blog, my posts and my life. Yes the ‘F’ world would have a field day. I would pre- empt every situation as negative, scary. I would wane between depression and anxiety, showing very little of the strong woman I knew I was before all of this.My sleep was affected, I would be sad, then angry, find it hard to concentrate, have negative thoughts all the time, my whole personality changed. The shock of a nasty hoax, 2012,the horrid time of losing my publishing contract, through nasty lies by family: losing my daughter and my grandchildren whom I love,and then PC barging into our lives, all being shocks of the worst kind and leaving me traumatised by their effects.We don’t only grieve for those who have died, we can grieve for the living, grieve for the life we used to have,grieve for the loss and changes in our men and in our lives. Grief can bring trauma, sometimes unrecognised. and almost always un acknowledged.

A few years ago, some will remember from earlier postings, I was involved in a nasty hoax that brought back my horrific childhood, in a very damaging manner. The nightmares returned, the heightened startle reflex, jumping at every sound, locking doors, panic attacks, catastrophising situations. All the things I had fought so hard to heal myself from, came flooding back. Even after the perpetrator was taken to court and punished, these nasty legacies from my childhood abuse, didn’t leave me. I had to work very hard to get myself strong enough to banish them. I thought I had done a good job, the symptoms of trauma relented a bit but what followed at the hands of family, rendered me back where I began. Feeling bullied, inadequate, vulnerable and half the woman I was before these events. Then before I had the chance to deal with all of that David had Prostate cancer. All the symptoms of trauma were still very close to the surface and I now realise, were triggered again by events out of my control.Control is very important in survivors of abuse and I had none over the family ‘stuff’ or David’s illness.Trauma can change you, change your personality and if not acknowledged and dealt with, can leave legacies that can cause lasting damage. 

Over the past years, during all of the events above, I have allowed myself to be dictated to, bullied and maligned. The Carol Ann before everything that had happened, leading up to PC, even though stress and worry were already there, would have behaved with restraint. Handled all the ‘nasties’ in a very different manner. She would have confronted those hurting her, lying about her and made things right. She would have been strong and dignified in response to these events and would have responded and not reacted. But the Carol Ann after PC couldn’t do that. Everything became too much and she was back, in her mind, as she had been as a little girl. Vulnerable, scared and hurt.Her self confidence, being battered by a different kind of abuse over the Internet, shattered her self belief, self-esteem and she became a victim. Some of you on here would have seen that and all I can do is apologise. I should have seen this happening, I know how trauma can do all of this but didn’t see it  in myself.How did I not see this? Well that is what trauma does. It blurs the mind to the sensible, the positive and the real.

So why am I writing this today? Well today, after researching how trauma, shock can affect us, I began to acknowledge, how being told you or someone you love has a life threatening illness, can cause us to change.Can traumatise a person. How this was not acknowledged, not recognised and so not helped or talked about. We need to do this, acknowledge these symptoms for what they are. They are real and can affect all of us after suffering  a life threatening diagnosis, that leaves shock. Leaves us facing mortality and sometimes change us drastically. Trauma is personal, we are all different in how we deal with situations we find ourselves in. Shock often gets in the way of facts. Our thoughts can run away with us.They become distorted and I am not saying everyone reacts in this way, but I have read posts where I see this. Spoken with others who are obviously struggling and often feel bad about doing. As though they shouldn’t be feeling that way. One of the best things I did after or rather just before diagnosis of cancer with a little ‘c’ was, join the groups on here, for support. How glad I am that I did this. It has been invaluable.

Accepting the shock element of diagnosis, is so important, life changes, the world keeps turning but our life doesn’t seem the same anymore. We often allow it in our men, the changes in those having the illness but not for ourselves. We need to accept and acknowledge what this shock does to us and tell ourselves that it is normal to have these fears and feelings. That it is normal after a shock.For me it was like being on the outside looking in. Reluctantly looking in, An unreal, unwanting to be real feeling.

Well, as a Psychotherapist, leaving Carol Ann to one side for a moment, reacting this way is normal. It is understandable. It’s okay. It is allowed. You have permission.There are things you can do. Please forgive me if you find any of this patronising or me being pushy of my own teachings, just trying to offer some practical tips.

As you know, I write , I write everything, sometimes in the  past, some would say, me included,too much, but writing helps me offload, process and sometimes make sense of things that make no sense. If you can do this, it can alleviate some of the stress.

Learn to tummy breath so that at times when your mind runs away from you and you feel terrified, panicky, you can gain back control .Relaxing your breathing, Yoga type breathing, can stop the panic and calm you.

Face things you have avoided, tell yourself, that facing your fears will make them easier, they won’t go away,sometime you will have to face them, so face them now. Get whatever you fear out of the way. Avoidance never helps, it just puts off the inevitable.

Share your fears, a ‘problem shared…..’ Talk to someone, yes the groups are helpful but if possible, talk to a friend, a family member, feel okay about your fears and if appropriate, ask for a hug. Physical contact when you are scared and lost, can be so good and comforting.

What is the worst that can happen? You will cry? Yes and that’s okay. That’s good. That’s healing x

Nightmares are sometimes too hard to brush off, to rid yourself of how they leave you feeling. Again, write them down, read them back and then, when they feel easier, when you can convince yourself they are not real, destroy the paper used. The same with intrusive thoughts. Write them down. Look at them and tell yourself, that is all they are. A thought. Can a thought hurt you? No. Again destroy the paper. 

Don’t jump ahead, throw the ‘what ifs’ out in the trash. They are not needed and not helpful. Only face one day at a time. Ask yourself, ‘where am I today?’ Look around you, see the familiar and hold on to that. That is the reality, the moment you are in and nothing further.

Reality test your negative, scary  thoughts. Find a more balanced thought. Use this to tackle the task you are doing.Changing  the negative to positive is hard but can be done and will help you feel better.

For those who have lost a loved one, suffered the worst outcome and  are now grieving, some of what I have said might help. Grief, loss are both huge shocks. Leaving a person traumatised. I don’t need to tell you that. Even if you expect someone to leave you, as I did with my brother Tony, of whom I wrote extensively about last year, it is still a shock. So please look after yourself, be kind to you. Allow the anger, the fear, the loss, to be felt and then, I hope, you will be able to move past it. Not move on and ‘get over it’, I don’t believe that happens. Life is not going to be the same, it never is after any shock any loss but hopefully you will survive and one day live a life free from the pain. 

Good therapy, CBT for instance, can be very useful and helpful. You will be told the things  I have mentioned above, in sessions and be able to talk to someone who is non judgmental and good at listening. Give it a try.

I hope no one objects to this weeks blog, just wanted to give a little bit of help where it might be needed.

Thank you for reading x

 

 

Can I just please ask, if you do not want to read what I have to say, or to read my continuing story,please scroll past. Thank you.

This past week has been mostly good. Apart from the apprehension re David’s PSA test, 2 years after surgery, then the anticipated waiting and finally the result and family ‘stuff’.I was, as I have said before, terrified. Not sure why. Well that’s actually not true, of course I know why. 3 years ago, he went for a routine check up, they took blood and there it was, the possibility that something was wrong. It was. My beloved husband, never had a days sickness to speak of, had the possibility of having Prostate cancer. How could he have? How did that happen? Why didn’t we suspect it? Question after question with no real answer. But in the September of 2016, after the biopsy and MRI. it was confirmed. I have written at great length about my fears, my terror, my confusion, all while the man I love, the man who had this nasty disease, went about his day like nothing was wrong. How on the day we had the diagnosis, I was in bits and trying to hide that fact, while David calmly said, ‘shall we do the shopping now?”! So now, 2019, having to have another test, after the regular 3 monthly ones had stopped, I was again terrified. David wasn’t. His pragmatism, his ‘what will be will be’, can sometimes infuriate me and isolate me in my fear. Of course he doesn’t realise this and I wouldn’t want him to, but it does. So Wednesday we went for the test, yes ‘we’, I had to have regular blood tests for my own issues, so we went together and then,we thought, the wait. But Thursday afternoon, we had the result. David phoned as suggested by our nurse, while I tried to remain calm, pretending to clean the Rayburn,shaking and a bit tearful, worried it may be a result we didn’t want.But no. UNDETECTABLE. If I had been capable of doing a handstand I would have, I am sure. Ecstatic! Relieved!Overjoyed! Feelings I couldn’t put into words but undetectable was music to my ears and I am sure, David’s, although his response was ‘There, I told you it would be okay”! I wanted to tell the world, so told social media instead.

Huge relief and happiness, but tinged with a little guilt. It is hard to be completely happy when you are only too aware, that some sharing this journey none of us wanted to make, are not as fortunate as us. Their prognosis is not good, maybe they have more treatment ahead or maybe their future is not certain; some may have lost loved ones to this horrid disease, cancer with a little ‘c’. To all of those I want to say how sad it makes me, reading stories, that there, but for the grace of God go I. At the start of this journey, none of us know what is ahead. What we may have to endure with our husbands, partners relatives. We all begin at the same place and carry hope throughout until we are told differently. We all have the same fears, the same nightmares of ‘what if’. We all begin from the same place.I have grown fond of members on my groups, none of whom I have met personally but followed their journeys, good and bad. Some have lost this battle and are now missed, as though I knew them personally, as friends.I try to offer comfort, support, friendship wherever I can as we are all in this together. But. It is hard not to rejoice at the good news when we have it isn’t it. I want to share it, I want to shout it from the rooftops and hope those who are beginning this journey are encouraged in some way by news such as ours. Those less fortunate, I hope, will allow me my joy and happiness at this moment in time. Yes we are lucky, we are the fortunate but we have all traveled the same journey. Because the results are positive, good, doesn’t mean the past 3 years didn’t happen. It also doesn’t mean we might not go there again, I do hope not, but we don’t know.It doesn’t take away all the pain, fear, worry and change that those years brought down on us whilst PC was ravaging our little family. That all still happened but now, I hope is in the past.It doesn’t mean they haven’t taken their toll on us, David and me, as separate people and as a couple. Yes things are different now, they will never be as they were, but he is still here and for that I am grateful.

I am sorry if I have upset people by being so happy about the outcome, sorry for my blog, in the past, sometimes being sad, some times being ‘black’, upsetting people was never my intention. I just write from the heart, open, honest and true. Telling is ‘as it is’, was my motto when I began blogging 4 years ago. Hurting or upsetting people  has never been my intention, but I cannot be sad or pretend to be when we have been so fortunate. Neither can I be upbeat when I need to ‘say it as it is’, and that is sometimes,sad and unhappy. All I can do is apologise and ask those offended or hurt, to please not read my blog, because it will always be honest, warts’s ‘n all.

Today, I am happy and grateful and wanted to share that.My journey on here,has been full of my fears around cancer with a little ‘c’, family issues that made this horrid time so much worse and harder to bear. As I have said before, cancer does not hit you in isolation, if things are tough with you or things are good, cancer will still barge in and trample all over your life. In my case, my life was in turmoil for reasons written in earlier blog entries, family stuff, pain, hurt betrayal and loss. Cancer gave no thought to any of it, still came, overloading my already overloaded life,damaging us in the process and threatening to take away my rock, my husband. Making me so ill, I was hospitalised and worried that I wasn’t going to be there for my man.You will never know how enormously relieved I am that it failed. Just wanted to share my joy. So I am sorry but I must try today, to not allow any guilt I feel, tarnish the joy we all have ‘here on the farm’.

We so needed this news, life is still challenging and we are still anticipating losses , although have had a stay ‘of execution’ so to speak, with our ponies but not so with our little dog. Just a matter of time. I have spent much of this past week, in between panic re the results and tending to the ponies, lying with her, cuddling her and just taking in her every movement, her every smell, imprinting it in my memory for the time she will no longer be here. Hard but a  least I have this opportunity. We are still going to move, downsize,later this year, if possible, but that is on hold for now. Just need to be together as a family, loving each other and being grateful for every single minute.

Thank you for reading x

 

Well here we are, February 3rd, Tony’s birthday. Hard day, sad day. For those who have not read earlier blogs, Tony was my beloved brother. The only member of my birth family who cared about me as a little girl, although he knew nothing about the fear and pain I suffered at the hands of my abuser. I used to try to stay around with him because he was ‘mum’s favourite and I stupidly thought some of her love for him would rub off on me. Tony was the one family member who has always been there, through thick and thin as adults.He loved my daughters and helped me when Lisa was older and life became hard, he loved us both and made things right when they could have been so wrong. He shared my joy, especially when my first book was published and later after I had ‘told it all’ in my autobiography. Was so proud of me when I gained my Masters, he couldn’t stop smiling.He often acted like my parent but being my brother was all I wanted. Losing him was like losing part of me. Who would I now share early memories with? Who would understand when I spoke of our dysfunctional family.? Who would now actually have the ability to make me laugh at some of the things that had been so sad when we were young? No one. I no longer have my brother.

I can’t actually remember last year, February 3rd. I do remember thinking, just before his birthday, that I should have been choosing a present and card but was instead choosing flowers for his funeral. That just wasn’t right.It was so close to his goodbye, so close to accepting his going, although I am still not sure I have done that yet.The previous year, the year before he died had been a horrible time for him and for all of us who loved him. I have written about this in blogs before, not only because we knew he was dying but because he had been so horribly betrayed by ‘family’ members, in the cruelest of ways.  His last year was spent worried about money stolen from him and concerned about his children having to pay for his funeral. All of this made that last year, when he should have been trying to rest and just ‘be’ within the cruel confines  of cancer, so much harder. 

Tony had been ill for a while and latterly in pain and this led, for me anyway, to confusion in my grief. I didn’t want him suffering, I would never want that but didn’t want him to go. I needed him here, wanted him here, loved him so much that couldn’t imagine how I would cope without having him in my life.I knew his illness couldn’t be cured, didn’t want him to linger in pain  but didn’t want him to go. Selfish? Yes. But grief is selfish isn’t it. Through-out my life we would call each other when things were rough, when things went wrong, when we were scared, any time we felt we needed to. When David was diagnosed with Prostate cancer, I rang Tony. We also shared the good times, telling each other of lovely things that had happened, it wasn’t only the bad things we shared.At these times though,I don’t know how but he reassured me, comforted me and yes, made me laugh. He always had that ability. All of this when  he was fighting cancer himself. So his dying was for me a huge blow. I just couldn’t imagine how that would feel. I do now.

Of course I am glad he is no longer hurting, no longer sick, confined to a bed, as he had been for many months. But. I wanted him here, as he had always been. Tony my big bear, my brother, my friend.I suppose I just wanted him back as he used to be, Making us all laugh, comforting us, speaking so much common sense and just being Tony. A great loss to all of those who loved him. So yes, selfish I suppose.

The first year after you lose someone close, someone you love, is the hardest, at least that is what I tell my clients. The ‘first’s’ of everything  without them. My first birthday not having a phone-call. The first Christmas not searching for a gift and card for him, not ringing him to say Happy Christmas. His first birthday, at least for  me,as I can’t remember the last one, a few days before we said goodbye to him last year, that I couldn’t ring and wish him a Happy Birthday. All the times I picked up the phone when something good happened, to tell him. The many times I just wanted to say Hello to my brother and still do this. All these times, when the mind plays tricks on me and I have momentarily forgotten , is like losing him all over again.I am pleased for him as I said, but heartbroken for me. How selfish is that! But as I said before, grief is selfish. We cry for ourselves most of the time.

Grief  confuses me. When will it stop? Or maybe, when it will it begin? I am not sure I have grieved, at least not properly if there is such a thing.If what I teach is right, maybe now, with all the 1st anniversaries over, I will allow myself the right to do this. Maybe then life will return to a normal I can accept. A new normal, a new self as it says above. A Carol Ann without her brother.Tony would want that. He always told me when we spoke of his illness, his imminent death that  ‘it’s okay love. I ‘m okay’. Well it wasn’t okay and I am not okay but I will try. As it says in the picture, I will try to find the new me, the one without my brother. Last year I lost 2 of the most important men in my life.2 men who influenced my life more than either of them knew. A horrid year.But I must think of myself as lucky, lucky to have had the love they gave and to have been able to love them as I did.

I hope, as my FB friend, the late Mark Bradford assured me, that there is a Heaven. I used to believe but lost my faith years ago, but I hope if there is such a place and that Tony is having a ball. That he is dancing and singing and making all of those who went before him, laugh, as only Tony could. Happy Birthday big bear and I will sign off this part with the words you always used just before leaving, or ending a phone call. Loves you x

The 2nd part as in the title.

The ‘F’ is back big time. I thought it had left me for good. I have worked hard at not worrying, not dwelling on things as I said last week but it’s back. It is time for David to have his 2 year PSA test. It is actually late, what with everything that has gone on ‘here on the farm’, the issues with my family, my daughter and latterly with my health, it was missed. We had both understood, incorrectly, that the hospital would contact us. How did we get that so wrong? I was looking through my old diaries and saw the date and realised we had missed it. Looking in David’s medical file I saw that the hospital had given us a blood form, to take to our GP to have the test done and then the hospital would inform us of the result. Remote monitoring apparently.How did we think differently? We must have been given this information. I must have put the blood report in David’s folder. How could we have ‘forgotten’ this information? I don’t know but we did. Now here’s the rub. After feeling my tummy, experience that all too familiar churning that came throughout David’s tests, diagnosis, surgery, I realised that our old ‘friend’ fear had returned. Losing Tony and then my ‘Dad, last year,having a poorly dog and poorly pony and then my being ill, we had somehow missed the date. Such a huge ‘miss’, such a huge mistake and I am confused as to how we missed it. Then I stopped  in my tracks. An awful thought entered my head. Could it be that I didn’t want to remember? Could it be that I had cancelled cancer with a little ‘c’ out of our lives after being told that it had little chance of returning, as the margins were clear and the PSA so far had been undetectable? Did I become complacent, or over hopeful? Who knows. Or even worse. Am I that selfish? Was my own fear of losing the man I love, so strong that I was willing to push this out of my mind and pretend? How could that help him? Did we want to go back to the worry, the fear of having the test, the waiting time and then fearing the result? Of course we didn’t, don’t. But putting my head in the sand is not useful is it, so unlike me. I like to confront and deal with anything that threatens us as a family .I am ashamed to say that I am not sure how this happened, us missing the date and yes, wanting PC to be a thing in the past, is of course something I wanted, but the genuine ‘mistake’  on the dates and procedure, is so unbelievable and so not like us as a couple, just shows me the strain we have been under.But after discovering this error, what I do know, is that I was tempted to keep this new discovered knowledge to myself and that would have been so wrong.So tempted but didn’t and told David of what I had found.

After talking about how we could have got things so wrong, I left it to my husband to make the decision re having the test. As if there was a choice! David said he wondered if just leaving things as they are, not knowing but hoping for the best was the right thing to do.That it had entered his head to leave things as they were. I wanted to scream, ‘Yes, don’t have it. Leave it as it is. Don’t have another test’. My heart ruling my head. The fear of knowing, seemed worse than not knowing, so unlike me. I wanted to forget PC had ever touched our lives, haven’t we enough to deal with ?But I also knew that whatever he decided I would be there, at his side supporting him. Holding my breath and watching him, I heard him say, ‘make me another appointment love, I’ll have the test’. My heart sank. But it is his decision and I know in my heart really, the right one.So I will.

Cancer has stolen my brother last year as I have said earlier in my blog, it has stolen so many people in my life and so many lives of friends I have known and friends I have made on social media. Losing 2 of the most loved and important men in my life, this past year, I can’t lose THE most important man. So a test it is! 

But what if it is raised? What if the cancer is back or still there? What if …….Yes the ‘what ifs’ are back with a vengeance.  Whatever the result we will face it together. David, my rock and me.I found my old self last week, having had the health scare, the strong Carol Ann and I need to find her and keep her here. As for worrying, where does that get you? No where except ill. I know that for a fact, so will not worry until I have something to worry about. Then I will use every bit of resolve I have to not worry then either. So watch out Fear, you will not win!

Note:

For those of you grieving , take as long as you need. Don’t let anyone hurry you. Take out the memories of your loved one and cherish them, let them comfort you. Don’t deny them because they hurt. Yes they will but eventually they will heal. I make this mistake but from today, I will remember and smile. I was lucky to have the love of Tony and you were lucky to have the love you had with your husband/partner/ loved one.No-one had steal your memories.

As for facing the unknown, the fear of what if: the love you share will see you through. 

Thank  you for reading x

 

Christmas last year was a bit of a struggle, I can admit that now. But it was good, quiet, scaled down but good. We had sick animals and I acknowledged that I was not up to par and so kept thing slow key. I hadn’t realised how unwell I was, unwell and sad. This was to be the first Christmas when I couldn’t ring Tony, my brother or my ‘Dad’. I couldn’t get my brother out of my mind, we were approaching the first anniversary of his death and the Christmas before we had all been waiting for cancer to steal him from us. A horrid time and association is a strong force, everything I did for the ‘silly season’ reminded me of the year before. I knew I was struggling with my own grief, anticipatory grief for my dogs and a sick pony, but unaware of just how low I had become.

A few days after the 4th January, the date of the anniversary of Tony’s death, I had to relent and see my GP. A few days later I saw an out of hours doctor who diagnosed pneumonia, and added to the antibiotics and steroids I  had already started, ones kept at home as a rescue pack because of my having brittle Asthma. He gave me other meds to drain off the fluid in my lungs and chest and said I had to go home to bed.I was feeling awful at this stage but didn’t want to go to hospital because of leaving my sick dog.Not because I didn’t think any one else could care for her but because, as she is living on borrowed time and I have promised her I would be there at the end.But 2 days later, after a night of not being able to breathe in or out, even after using a nebuliser hourly,I was rushed to hospital very ill.

After receiving excellent care in Hospital and being monitored 24/7, receiving intravenous antibiotics, steroids and other medicines, I was told that my Asthma was out of control. My  peak flow that should be around 370 was less than 100. A warning sign that I had not taken notice of, didn’t have the time!I had been using my reliever everyday, many times and had not thought it was Asthma, didn’t feel the same but I was told by the consultant, that was because it had crept up on me over the years and the condition had become chronic, my everyday, my norm. This all made so much sense, the reason for my tiredness, my lethargy and feeling generally not right. Why didn’t I see it? Maybe I didn’t give myself time to think about it, think about me. Too busy trying to reunite my family, worry about David, my animals etc. I don’t know.

I was seen by the top respiratory consultant and asked if anything had changed of late, my life style etc. If the symptoms had been with me for a long time. If I had had any stress or worry of late. If I could have spoken, I would have asked ‘how long have you got’? But I was too ill and breathless to speak, so David spoke for me. He told the doctor of the worry and stress of the past few years, family stuff, not in detail just  that we had been through a lot via family, my eldest daughter and sister, losing my contract, estranged from my grandchildren. David having Prostate cancer and a few of the deaths we, as a family, had suffered. He told them of my being rushed to A&E just before his surgery,where they found the blocked artery in my neck. They had also said at that time,that I was very stressed and some of my symptoms suggested that. David said he had seen me fading and had mentioned seeing our GP but as I went every week for blood tests, he thought they would say something. The consultant said that stress in someone with lungs like mine could cause a great deal of damage, being tense puts a strain on your heart and lungs. He felt that everything that has happened had worn me down, slowly affecting my lungs and my immune system without my realising it. I knew myself how I felt, how all of the past few years had rendered me low, weak and feeling broken. I have written of that on here, in my blog. Emotional heartache can be dangerous, as can unresolved grief, we internalise these feelings and that takes a toll on out physical being. I knew all of this in my client work but had ignored what was happening to me. I had written at the end of last year, on these pages, that I would not do this anymore, that I would put myself first, no longer allow others to affect my life or my well-being. But the damage was too far gone by then.I am now under his care and will soon be having more tests on my lungs and a plan made for the future.

During my illness, from which I am still recovering, I began to realise that life is not governed by the stars etc. That even to some extent, is not governed just by me. In my life, things that have happened, things I have done, decisions I have made have always been influenced by and sometimes determined by others. As  child I was controlled by the woman they called my mother. Leaving me in danger with little and mostly no protection or love. Leaving me with life long legacies detrimental to my well-being.

As a Mum my children were my priority, my consideration in any decision I made and rightly so. I worked where I could and sacrificed very good jobs that would have taken me away from them, something I could never have done. Mum’s do this, or rather good mum’s do this without question or regret. My girls always came first.So thinking of them determined where life took me.

All of our lives we do things to please family, friends and sometimes society. My mistake is that I have always allowed others to influence me too much, I have always been afraid of upsetting people, seeming selfish, when really that’s what I should have been many times. Recently, or rather the past few years, I have spent so much energy fighting for my good name against libel that was being spread about me. Reacting to the actions of others instead of responding as a better person.Too much time, trying to get my family back on track and since losing Tony and seeing things in a different light, trying hard to make things right with my eldest daughter and grandsons, that I have rendered myself very low and very sick. I had tried and tried to have her back in our family where she belongs, at first I thought we were going to be okay, and then I pushed it too far. My birth family are now back where they should be, just as Tony had always wanted, part of my family. But needing too much, in her eyes, from my daughter, has left us still estranged. I just needed to know why she had done the things she had done, how she could do those things as she was now telling me how she loved and missed me.She couldn’t do this as there was no reason but I do understand, that all the lies she and her aunt have told everyone they knew, about me, how  hard, almost impossible for this breach to be mended. Without admitting all the lies told, it can’t happen. The difference today is, I know this. I almost understand it, don’t like it but understand it and must now accept it.It breaks my heart as it is so wrong and so shouldn’t have happened, but I have to live with that. In order to rebuild myself, my health, my self-worth, I have to let it go.

Maybe I thought I was invincible. What I did know was I was too busy worrying to be ill. Too much to think about, try and put right. How wrong. How stupid.

So to the reason for today’s blog.

For those of you who know the stress and worry, the sadness,anger and hurt, that illness such as the one we all are part of, Prostate cancer with a little c, can give us, I want to offer some suggestions, not advice as I should not presume to do that but some suggestions. Nurse, care for and look after your man, give him everything you are capable of giving him but please don’t neglect yourself in the process. You are no good to him if , like me, you render yourself ill. Whatever the outcome of this nasty disease, acknowledge how it has affected you. How life might have changed. Acknowledge grief for part of your life you may have lost. Whilst doing this, love your man through it all and give yourself some self care.A bit of advice I was given in training, about this, helping others. Make sure you have your own oxygen mask on before you try to place one on the person you are caring for. Otherwise it might be too late and you both could perish.Love your man but also love yourself. PC affects us both the same amount, just in  different ways.

For any of you and I know there are some, who have been badly treated by others, especially by family, tell yourself that they way they hurt you, says more about them and their lives than it says about you and yours.

For those who have people they love, walk away, walk out of your life, don’t make yourself ill by trying to make sense of it all, to try and find the ‘why’ or the ‘how’. Most of the time they don’t have either. Let them go. If they want to come back in, you will be there but in a better place if you stop trying. If they don’t want to come back, there is nothing you can do about it, accept and move on.Don’t keep trying to make something right that only you want. You will just make yourself ill.

Lastly, for anyone grieving or needing to grieve, give yourself time. Allow your tears, your sadness, your anger and hurt. Vent, shout, scream and cry as much as you need until all the grief is spent. Unspent grief can cause untold damage. Don’t feel guilty when you first laugh again, first smile, first time you actually enjoy something. Don’t let grief steal any more than it has to. There is no set time. Grief will take as long as it takes.

Finally, for all reading this, we need to value ourselves more, not by how others see us but for who we are, only we really know that, who we are I mean. We need to appreciate how others, how life can hurt us, cause us pain and sadness, all part of life. All mostly out of our control but we can control how we react.It’s all part of what makes us human. Unresolved grief, pain, hurt and anger will only be forced inside of us and cause us even more damage. Let’s not allow that, we are all worth so much more.The most important thing we need to remember,or I need to remember more than most, something this illness has brought home to me is this. The here and now is all we have. Stop looking back, worrying about tomorrow, let’s just live and enjoy today.Look after you and don’t let anything prevent you from doing that. It is not selfish, it is essential.For those we have loved and lost, we swill always have our memories and no one can steal those from us.

Thank you for reading x

 

 

 

This is not a blog, just a note to those who have been kind enough to ask after me. I will write a blog later this week, body allowing.

 

I am out of hospital now having been rushed in with pneumonia after a chest infection that exacerbated my brittle Asthma. I was seriously ill but didn’t realise until it was almost too late.

Lots of those I know have had this nasty virus and I have had my flu and pneumonia jab, so was confused as to why I was so ill. The consultant, a respiratory man who I am now under and have future tests etc, asked if I had been under any stress of late. If I had been well enough I would have said ‘how long have you got’! I was however not able to talk so my darling husband David told of the years of ‘bullying’ by my eldest daughter and sister, the loss of my beloved brother and my ‘Dad’. He also said that although I had tried hard to put things right with Lisa my daughter, she had not been willing to meet me half way. He also said I was heartbroken at this.David knows how often I have cried myself to sleep over her and my grandchildren. He alos told the consultant of how worried I was with David having Prostae cancer and although now undetectable, how I still worry.Mr Hattashe felt that being under so much worry, he only knows half, had put me in danger and exacerbated the Asthma, without my realising. Then the chest infection not responding to antibiotics , the pneumonia set in.

But I am home, still very weak, very unwell but this has been a huge wake up call for me. I have to make changes, some I talked about in my December blog , last year. I have no choice, I have to change my mindset and begin to pout myself first, or at least somewhere close.

 

So thank you to every one who has pm’s me, emailed me, comments on my page. I am almost back. Bouncing back hasn’t happened this time, but it will.

I hope you are all well and will be writing again very soon.

Thank you for reading x

 

For me, today is a day for remembering. 2018 began very badly for me. After years of fear, hurt and family betrayal, I had, back in 2017 hoped the next year would be full of hope and promise but as the year drew to a close I knew it would not end on a good note. My beloved brother was at the end of his life and about to leave us, his family with an -unfillable void. He did see the New Year in, at his home as he had wanted, surrounded by his daughters and grand-daughter and I was at the end of the phone, being kept updated on what was unfolding. Tony and I had a dream, to see the Northern lights, we never achieved that dream but his son took a video film of them and showed them ,on New Year’s eve,  on the ceiling of my brother’s room, just above his head, so he could remain lying down to watch this amazing phenomenon. He loved it. He left us on January 4th 2018. I had spoken with him everyday up until the day he died. He still felt so hurt and confused as to what had unfolded in his last year and sad that someone so close could cause so much pain, knowing he was dying. I had no answers, I just listened and reassured him as much as I could. I wasn’t able to visit, living so far away and having commitments, he understood but it is still my biggest regret. The loss I still feel is immeasureable. I did manage to have an animal sitter and made it to the funeral, a celebration of my brother’s life by the huge number of people who loved him. It was, if it could be, a beautiful day in every way. Sad but beautiful. 

As the year began to unfold, life ‘on the farm’ continued and I tried hard to grieve but didn’t seem able to accept my loss. David has continued to heal from the onslaught of Prostate cancer and surgery to remove the ‘nasty’ that threatened his life and our happiness.  I blogged as I always have, every Sunday; of our life here ‘warts an all’, my husband’s progress, my fears and family stuff. I received many comments and messages re the content and was pleased that my posts were still able to help some of the group members and also friends I have made over Social media. I sadly watched, as one after another of our new friends, members of the groups I belong to ,lost their fight against this evil disease that robs our men of their lives and us of them. Each time my heart turns somersaults, ‘there but for the Grace of God etc.’. I felt for the partners, wives, families and knew we had been lucky to have caught this cancer with a little ‘c’, early enough to stop its spread. I value every member of all the groups I am part of, people have been so kind and tolerant of my rantings,One member I became very close to, if SM can bring you close, was Mark Bradford. He blogged about his life, the cancer, his imminent death and mostly,his faith. We commented on eah other’s blog and post. I wrote privately to Mark and he learned a great deal about my life, having read my autobiography, and I his. His words of encouragement, his great faith and dignity helped me through the early days. Sadly Mark lost his fight, or maybe he didn’t. He believed in a life after death and so perhaps he won his fight because of the dignified way he died, still believing. God bless you my friend. I continue to blog, partly on the groups about my continuing journey, one none of asked to make and keep up to date with posts from other members. I have learned so much from being part of groups with issues like mine and will be eternally grateful.

As some of you know, I have tried to make things right with my estranged daughter and my grandchildren but failed. Well I didn’t actually fail, Lisa said she loved me, she missed me but couldn’t tell me why she did the things she did and because I wanted to know, had to know, she did what she always does and shut me out again. So I didn’t fail. I will always love her and my grandchildren but have to do this from afar. I had wanted to send cards and gifts but knew I couldn’t. Then at the last-minute I sent a Christmas card, through an online retailer because it was too late to send by mail but heard nothing. I sent greetings to my eldest grandson to whom I had been very close, but nothing.He had wanted to come down and see us, we were about to arrange this but nothing happened. I accept he is in a diffcult position if his Mum is not talking to me.So I now have to accept, but more about that later.

In April, David’s eldest sister died and again, we were unable to go to the funeral.Another regret. Our little dog Ellie Mae has cancer and is now not as self-assured as she was. Our little boy Cody is deaf and almost blind. Both are still very happy but can’t be left, so we don’t leave them. Hence not being able to get away.In September I lost the man I called Dad. Since I was 6 years old, his daughter, also called Carol and I have been lifelong besties. As a child, he and Claire his wife, my friends mum looked after me as much as they were allowed. I have spoken of this in other blogs. In early adulthood, discovering the truth about my childhood,some things they had suspected, they asked me to look on them as my Mum and Dad. I was proud to do this. Sadly Mum died a few years ago and now Dad has joined her.Another regret, not able to attend the funeral to say goodbye. But lifeis like that, it gets in the way at times.

Many losses. During 2016-7 my name had been maligned, my extended family had been told libelous stories about my life and my daughter, for some insane reason, had believed it all. I was then shut out of my family. I will never know how she, Lisa, believed made up stories from someone who had not been in our lives for more than 40 years, who didn’t know Lisa and didn’t know of my life either.I couldn’t and still don’t understand how my daughter believed lies that were so far-fetched, if not so serious would have been  laughable and the content illegal, because she must have memories of her early life, a happy life, with me and then her sister. The person who told her these horrific lies,  is a very capable liar and was sadly believed. I was not there to tell it as it was. Hence the beginning of this blog a few years ago.  But Lisa did believe it because it suited her at the time and punished me for it, over and over in the cruelest manner.  My literary career was damaged for a short period by them both and my eldest daughter’s birthright had been lied about in the worst possible manner by my youngest sister, I have written about this on this blog. So all in all, the past few years have not been good. At the end of 2017, I stayed up to say goodbye to the old year and hello to 2018, wanting to see the old year die. Hoping the new would be kinder to us all. It wasn’t. Another sad sad year. 

But that was then.

This is now.

What I learned:

I learned that people in general are kind and caring as I discovered on Facebook, particularly in the Prostate cancer groups I am a member of. 

I learned to accept that things are as they are. I cannot change things that are not in my control. I cannot make things right if others are happy with them being wrong.

I have to accept that damage done cannot always be repaired and have to live with that.

I have to accept that I cannot make someone say sorry, or even accept their part in an issue unless they are willing to do this.

I also know I need to appreciate what I have and not hanker for what I don’t.

I have also learned that in general, people are kind, thoughtful and caring.

What I lost:

The biggest losses are Lisa, my grandchildren and Tony and my Dad. Huge holes in my life, nothing will fill them. I have to accept this and grieve, then let go.The losses of friends I have met, both on SM and in real life. Value what they brought to the relationship, grieve and move on.

What I have received:

Friendship that has no bounds, particularly on social media, particularly among fellow PC members. They have shown me love, understanding,kindness and tolerance. Thank you all.I hope 2017 is better than you are expecting and easier on all of us.

I have received unfaltering love and support from my husband, my youngest daughter and close friends. Worth so much.

2019 will, I know be met with trepidation and worry ‘here on the farm’.Oliver Dancer, my pony is very sick and we will, after Thursday, know whether we have to make the heartbreaking decision to let him go. Ellie Mae’s cancer has grown so much over the past few weeks,that we know she has very limited time before we will have to make the same decision for her. Our little boy Cody is 13 now, a good age for a Shih-tzu and is showing his age. He relies on Ellie, she is his ears and eyes and I dread what will happen when the time comes to let her go. Luther our remaining black cat is slowing down, has Arthritis and is now almost 17 so we also have that worry. Life is like that isn’t  it. Never deals you one blow at a time. My friend Mark B would say, that God only gives you as much as you are able to take. I think he over estimates me at times! But I hope we will handle it as we usually do. With fortitude, courage and love.

But with all of this in mind, my first new years resolution is to let go. To concentrate on those here, my husband and daughter and my animals. I have good friends, some geographically away from me but still close emotionally. I am intent on making this a good year, at least, I will  endeavour to make it one. I have so much to be thankful for. Davids recovery, the love from him and my daughter. The years of love I have had from all the animals I love, even if I lose them, I have had that love and given them love. Made wonderful memories. That has to be good doesn’t it. I intend to spend the year, loving those who love me, those who will accept love from me. Accept the things I can’t change and enjoy my memories of how things were. No one can steal those from me. I will forgive most of those who have hurt me and my family, not all, but most. Forgive those who turned their back on me and say ‘it’s okay’. I forgive you.Not only for them but for myself. I will finish my book for PC. Write my novel, revamp my children’s book and get them all published. Bit ambitions but will give them all a good try!

New year’s resolutions? To eat the damn cake, drink the wine and dance the dance. But most of all, in the circumstances I find myself in, ‘Let it hurt. Then let it go’.Happy New Year to you all. Thank you for reading.x

 

 

 

 

 

I am not blogging today, this is just a little thing I wanted to say in the blog earlier this week. You all know how my blogging journey began and most have followed it through all the horrid things that have happened to us, to me in the past 6 years. You have listened, commented and shared my words and for that I am so grateful. Some of you have said my blog resonates with your own life, that some of the things that I wrote about, you understood as they had happened to you. Not the family stuff but the doubts, the fears and sadness that accompany us on the journey with Prostate Cancer, that was a big part of my story on here. Many ladies wrote and shared their own journey, in private messages and emails and I  want to Thankyou all. There is nothing worse for a writer than to spend time putting their thoughts down on paper and have no response. I am glad that most weeks I receive many pm’s etc.

Some of you have recently read my life story, my first book and I Thankyou for comments made on Amazon, Kobo etc. I hope it helped you understand some of the things I wrote each week on here. Helped you see the little girl behind the woman, especially when struggling my way through  the PC journey. Yes I made mistakes, I shouted, raved, cried and screamed. I hope it helped you understand my need for honesty, my need for belonging and my need to share. I hope so. The journey we all travelled or are travelling, is a hard bitter and sometimes brutal journey and those still travelling have all my love and thoughts. It can also be a very lonely journey as it was for me and without support from my readers and Facebook group members I would not have pulled through as strong as I am. You will make it, not always the best outcome but you will get through.

Since 2016 I have made hundreds of FB friends and friends on other social media sites and although we have never met, or most of them I haven’t met, I still class you all as friends. Where would I have been if I hadn’t been able to come on here, in my study and pour my heart out to you all. You read, heard my pain, my worry and fear and expressed your likes, love, smiles and comments, taking time to write to me.Thankyou.

I have read other blogs on here, Dan Cole and Mark Bradford particularly and they will always have  place in my heart. Sadly we lost Mark and yes, like you all, I miss him so much.

This year has brought sadness beyond compare ‘here on the farm’. Tony my big bear of a brother sadly died in January. David’s sister Sheila died in the Spring. The man who asked me to call him Dad, died  late Summer. So much missing this year. My family in Hampshire will have another Christmas without me but I hope it is  a good one, especially for my daughter Lisa and my grandsons Harrison and Jordan and grand-daughter Hannah. I hope Lisa carries on the traditions I gave her, stockings, full of silly things, mince-pie for Santa and a drink for his reindeer. I hope they think of us here but it doesn’t matter if they don’t, I will say a silent Happy Christmas to them all. I tried to mak eit right an dfailed. I can do no more. Life is too short. Hurt and pain have no place at my table anymore. I will make sure of that.

So I am writing to say Thankyou to you all and hope the run up to the ‘big day’ is exciting but smooth. Happy and Peaceful and that you all love those around you and tell them so.

Thankyou for reading. x

“We were all encouraged to send notes up the chimney for Santa, I was told to put what I really wanted on the note. One year, when I was nine or ten, I asked Santa for a bicycle. Tony, Georgina and June all had bicycles and Patricia was still too young for one at the age of four. As we came downstairs that Christmas morning, I peeked out the kitchen door and saw two large, bicycle-shaped presents all wrapped up in Christmas paper. One was bigger than the other. My heart leapt in excitement. I knew Tony had asked for a new bike, so the bigger one must be for him while the smaller one was for me. I thought of all the things I would do on my bike: cycling round to Claire’s house, whizzing downhill with the wind in my hair. At last I was being given what I had asked for, the first time this had happened.! Mum must care about me after all.

After breakfast, we went into the best room. I was so excited. We emptied our stockings first, then Mum started bringing in the bigger presents. First of all she brought in the larger bicycle-shaped present and gave it to Tony. He leapt for joy and couldn’t get the wrapping paper off fast enough. I was so happy for him, not only because I loved my brother, but also because I was anticipating my own joy in the following few minutes. Then it happened.

Mum spoke to my little sister: ‘Watch the doorway, Patricia We have a very special present for you.’

My little sister stood up and watched as Dad brought in the second bicycle-shaped present. My heart lurched as he placed it next to her. It was a bike, a too-big-for-her bike. My bike.

I felt heavy, devastated, heart-broken. I looked at Mum and realised she was watching me with a strange smile on her face, enjoying my disappointment. I looked away again quickly, trying to pretend I hadn’t seen, but that look stayed in my mind.

She had won again.

She really didn’t love me.

Nana B, Dad’s mum, reached out and gave me a quick hug, perhaps sensing my disappointment even though I tried not to let it show. My nans were lovely people but neither of them dared stand up to Mum, and that meant that they didn’t dare be too openly affectionate to me in front of her.

There was another Christmas when Mum lifted my hopes only to dash them again. I had asked for a life-size baby doll that I’d seen for sale in town. I only had one doll, Suzie, but I loved her and spent a lot of time bathing, dressing and pretending to feed her. Then I fell in love with the life-size doll, a boy doll, as soon as I saw it.

One of my jobs around the house was to make Mum’s bed, and the week before Christmas, as I moved her bedside table to tuck in the sheet, I spotted a box. A baby-doll-sized box. Of course I knew I shouldn’t look. But I did. I was only a little girl doing grown-up chores, and I couldn’t resist. As I lifted the lid, I could see the glowing china face and painted hair. Post-war, dolls had painted-on hair, not hair you could touch and comb like today’s dolls. He was beautiful. I wanted to lift him out of the box and hold him in my arms. I wanted to make his eyes open to see if they were blue. I wanted them to be blue. Not that that would have mattered – they could have been any colour and I’d have loved him.

I was beside myself with excitement as Christmas approached. None of the others liked dolls. My sisters were far too old and Patricia was a tomboy, more interested in outdoor games. The doll had to be for me. It couldn’t be for anyone else.

Christmas morning finally came and we were all summoned to the ‘best room’. Mum brought in a large parcel for my brother first and he opened it to find a metal racing car painted in bright colours. He was thrilled with it and I was happy for him. Then in came my dad, carrying the box. Although it was wrapped in Christmas wrapping, I knew it held the china doll. I half-stood up, ready for him to hand it to me, and then I heard Mum’s words and I froze.

‘This is your main present,’ she said to my little sister. ‘Come and see what we’ve bought you. You’ll love it.’

She glanced over at me, looking for my reaction, her eyes narrowed, as the box was placed on the floor in front of the child who didn’t like dolls. The child who hadn’t asked for a doll.

My little sister opened the parcel and said a polite thank you. I held my breath. Perhaps they had another baby doll. Perhaps they would bring mine in next. Perhaps … perhaps I’d got it wrong again. Perhaps I wasn’t to get one. Perhaps I was right the first time. After all the other presents had been handed out, and my sister had tossed the baby doll aside, my dad came in holding another package.

‘This is for you, Carol,’ he said. ‘I made it specially.’

I didn’t dare look at Mum in case she spoiled the moment. I ran over to him and took the parcel in my arms.

‘How dare you have a present for her! ’ Mum screamed. ‘How dare you do this in secret, without my permission? I never said you could, did I?’

For the first time in my life, I ignored Mum’s angry words. I took the gift Dad was handing me and unwrapped it to find a beautiful, hand-made pink cot. A doll’s cot. A cot for Suzie. I’d asked for a cradle the Christmas before and hadn’t got it. Dad must have remembered and decided to make me one out in his shed. I thought he’d been spending a lot of time out there, and on a couple of occasions when I’d gone out to visit him I’d been disappointed that he didn’t let me in. This must be why! He’d been making me a cot. I loved it. I loved him. I stood up and thanked him, with tears in my eyes.

But before I could fetch Suzie to show her the new bed, Mum, who was outraged, lifted this beautiful cot, the cot my Dad had spent evening after evening making. “She lifted it high in the air without a thought for anyone, without even looking at it properly, and she threw it against the wall. It shattered into lots of pink splintery pieces. What was left in her hand, she hurled at me.

‘Did you really think I would let you have a present that had been made in deceit? Did you really expect me to let you have a present that you hadn’t asked for or deserved?’ Her voice was full of hate. ‘It’s shoddy, and made of painted tomato boxes. It’s shabby and cheap. And although you don’t deserve anything better, you won’t have it, I’ll make sure of that!’

I stood rooted to the spot, looking at her, then looking at Dad, and feeling numb. Did she really just do that? Was I seeing things? Did what I thought just happened, happen? Yes, it did, she had.

I must have done something very bad to deserve this mother. What had I ever done to her? Why did she hate me so much?

I would have loved that cot. The cot that my dad had worked on for weeks. The cot he made to make things better for me. But now there was no cot. Now there were broken bits of pink painted wood all over the best room floor.

No one moved.

No one spoke.

The room was silent. All you could hear were my tiny shivery sobs. “

There is a great deal said today about poverty and homeless children and rightly so. But we must also be aware that there are many children whose Christmas’s are not as they should be. Children in families where they are not loved or wanted. Sounds horrid? Yes but sadly true. Don’t be fooled by adults showing generosity to others, festive spirit abounding and lavish decorations and lights. Most of these people are genuine and kind but always remember, some are not.

In previous blogs I have written about how much Christmas means to me how giving is so important. I have spoken of how, as a child,watching my siblings open their gifts always brought me joy, even though I was not receiving the same kindness. As an adult I can maybe ‘excuse’ this but when I think back to the child who was me, I can’t. But those times, taught me so much. As I grew up I made sure that I gave whatever I could give to others, Christmas especially. I made it the happiest of times for my daughters, Lisa and Marie and my family and friends. I always had my girls write a note to Santa but unlike my ‘mother’, I tried to buy everything they wanted. I see now how unimportant that was. How buying them all the things on their list was less than right. Over the years, the piles of Christmas gifts under my tree was obscene. So many parcels, each done up with pretty ribbons, glittery string and festive labels. Far far too many. Over the past 6 years, the tree has only had family gifts, for those ‘here on the farm’, but still far too many. Maybe I was trying to make sure no one I loved felt like the child above.This year, as always, I have sent the presents to those I cannot get down to see and have made a solid effort to restrict my giving, to a few meaningful, personal presents for those I love, those here with me. I have sent donations where I can, given my grandchildren’s gifts to the Salvation Army and the gifts around the tree will be fewer but full of the real spirit of Christmas. I will as always, something learned as a child, enjoy watching the faces of those I love as they open each thoughtful gift on the big day. There won’t be squeals of delight as there were when my children were small but I know everything will be enjoyed and appreciated and that will do my heart good. Giving is always better than receiving. 

I have finally realised that ‘things’ are not important. What I really want for Christmas can’t be bought and wrapped up to sit under the tree. If I could, I would make every single child feel special at times such as this, make them feel loved and happy. But I can’t. But I can give what I can, share what I have and make sure those I can love, feel loved and safe. This year, the ‘silly season’ as I call it, I will make sure it will be a good one. I will enjoy being with those who love me, sharing memories of Christmas’s past, enjoying Christmas present and looking forward to those to come. Missing people and sharing memories of them as we sit by the fire, the dogs at our feet, the cats on the hearth and the ponies in the field. Talking of the good bits of my childhood, I can no longer share these memories with the only other person who was present when they were made, my beloved brother Tony, but will share them with David and Marie who both knew and loved him. We will talk  of my daughter’s childhood Christmas’s as Marie always does, memories of her and her sister Lisa, happy times. Lisa and my grandchildren will be missed but sadly, as David would say, ‘we are where we are’. Feeling loved and grateful for yet another festive season to enjoy. 

Christmas is about giving and that is the part I enjoy most of all. I  learned to sit and watch, enjoy others opening gifts and that taught me how important giving is. So today as a woman, I love to do that.  I wish could be in the home with any child feeling as the little girl I was, written in the beginning of this blog, (an expert from my 1st book, my life-story,) and give them love, safety and happiness. Safe being paramount. But I can’t. I have spent my life making sure I showed and told those I love, that I love them. I have made sure my children had Christmas that were happy, full of fun and laughter. I still do that today for those who are ‘here on the farm’. I wish all of my family a wonderful time, a Happy Christmas and hope that sometimes memories of my children’s Christmas, come into their minds and make them smile.

Thankyou for reading x

Well here we are again, approaching the ‘silly season’ and my feelings are all over the place. Buying family cards a few days ago I picked one up for Tony, my brother and worked very hard on not allowing  the tears to fall. Every time I do something like this, it is the sudden realisation and as though he had just died, all over again. I abandoned my shopping and came home feeling a little lost. Tony has been there all of my life and this year he won’t be. No visiting and giving him gifts, taking him a little tree or Christmas cake, nothing. Writing my list a few days previous to this, I was overcome with sadness, pain and grief. Losses this year have been many, family members especially, the first Christmas without buying for or visiting my ‘Dad’. Oh how I regret the times I would say how difficult these two men were, to buy for. How I would love to be trawling  the net, walking the pavements, searching for that special present for them both. Sadly I can’t. In my work, I tell clients that the first year would be the hardest. The first birthday, Christmas, any anniversary of the person loved and lost would be so hard the first year. I do hope I am right, that this  is true because I don’t want to feel this way in the years to come. So much is missing at this busy but usually happy time, buying for them, organizing our trip down to Hampshire,visiting them, ringing them both on Christmas morning. How glad I am that I did these things. How happy it made me and hopefully them.

Tony my beloved brother as some will know, had been in the final stages of lung cancer, this time last year. A horrible time made worse by betrayal of family that I have mentioned in earlier blogs. I can’t forgive those who caused him this pain, making his last year, a year he should have spent doing things he loved instead of worrying about the money taken and how his family would pay for his funeral. Right to the end he was gracious. Hurt, let down and angry yes but remained steadfast in trying to put things right. He never understood how some people could steal from him and betray him when he had trusted them. This filled that whole year, his last year,  after he had been told by doctors and knew he was running out of time. Every phone call, every visit, he would talk about it because he never understood how or why. Neither do I. He fought so hard to stay with us but the cancer was stronger and although he made it to Christmas and we chatted on the big day, January stole him from me and we said goodbye. So this Christmas will be hard. But I have happy memories of times past, and have photos and will place one under our tree and light a Christmas candle for him on the day. I will endeavor to be happy for him.

I knew it would be hard this year, because of the losses above but had hoped a few months ago, that there would be a plus in my life. A ‘happy’. I had hoped that I would have my family back, my daughter and my grandchildren. I dared to hope but these hopes were dashed, leaving me very sad and confused. But. I will do what I have done for the past years, five Christmas’s. I will buy a present for Harrison my eldest grandson, one for Jordan, my youngest and one for Hannah, my grand-daughter and wrap them up in Christmas paper as usual. I will take them to the Salvation Army. I will, as usual, write the age groups the gifts are suitable for, what they are and they will make sure ‘children’ of the same age receive these gifts. Not what I want to do really but since being denied the ability to give my grandchildren gifts, others will benefit and that make me happy. I had already began to create my daughter’s special Christmas present , when we were talking a few weeks ago and will continue with this but not send it. It won’t be well received but I will carry on with it and one day, she will have it.

I will also light a candle for Mark Bradford, one of the group members who showed me so much kindness and I will continue to place the pendant he made me, under my pillow. But this year, for the Christmas season, it will hang on my tree. Thankyou Mark. I know you will be singing your heart out in Heaven.

Another ‘sad’ I can hear you say but No. Just saying it as it is, as promised when I began this blog a few years ago. It is sad , the losses and the pain but I won’t let it take over as it has done in the past. These past years have had more than enough sadness and hurt Thankyou. No. I have far too much going on ‘here on the farm’ to let that happen. A week ago, after managing to previously persuade David to get help with major projects, I made a very sad discovery and one I need all my strength and love to make right. We have had someone clear some of our land and now have organized help with our mud room. In the past, David has built a house, alongside of his fulltime position with the MOD. Renovated 3 homes, built stables and a barn, twice, taken care of the land and horses ‘here on the farm’, built a utility room and more. Since his operation he has not had the strength to do such things and found it hard to tell me this. I have done all I can to reassure him with love and support. But a week ago, as I said, we were talking about the mud room and he said that although he thought I was right, that the loss of testosterone had left him weak and he could do nothing about that, he felt ashamed, embarrassed and weak. I was mortified. He is one of the strongest men I know. It doesn’t just take physical strength to be a man, he is my rock. So now, especially with the coming of Christmas and the Winter, I need to step up and let him know how much I love him, how he is still my man and so what if we have to get help in, so what. Many do this who don’t really need to . As I said last week, he is now my priority and I aim to restore his belief in himself .This horrid legacy of the disease, cancer with a little ‘c’ , that barged in uninvited and trampled all over our lives, will not stay around I promise that! His physical strength might not be as it was but his belief in himself will be restored. My job.

David has never been ill and so when PC came into our lives, at a time when we had endured a horrible few years courtesy of my ‘family, leaving me in a very low place,it was even more a shock to him. Me, I am the proverbial ‘creaking gate’, my health has never been good and I am used to doctors, illness, hospitals etc. but my man wasn’t and as I said,  it all came as a shock but he dealt with it with courage, determination and humour. I had minor surgery a couple of weeks ago and now have an issue re that, so once again, I need to concentrate on us here, enjoy my memories, love those around me. Yes I will shed tears on the day I know I will because some I love are missing, but I need to remember the good times and the happy times.That is what they would want. As a child, Tony loved Christmas. He was the precious pup and those of you who have read my book, will  know how Christmas’s were for me. I think my love of giving came from not receiving much as a little girl and learning to enjoy watching ,my siblings, especially Tony, open their gifts. As adults, we as brother and sister were very close, our siblings were not and Tony and Georgina were the ones I would ring on special days. Both no longer here. So yes tears will fall but I will also laugh, smile and share happy memories around the tree. Marie, talking of happy childhood memories of her and her sister Lisa opening pressies and finding they had everything asked for. How my little dog Pepper hated the crackers and so we took the bangers out.Me buying a bicycle for Marie and  trying to ‘wrap’ it. Then when she ‘found it’ her disappointment as it was ‘the wrong kind’!! Lisa’s anger at her sister, as she had known how hard I had found getting the money for presents as a one parent family.  The girls coming home from school with cards made by themselves, whispering in corners and giggling as they arranged ‘surprises’ for me, their mum. As adults, filling my stocking with pretty, usually glittery little gifts and enjoying a lovely Christmas dinner, made by me. Lisa’s first engagement on Christmas day, and her future husband’s dog eating the cake I had made them.Happy times. I will always cherish those times.Lovely happy memories and they will continue to be in my heart along with the new ones made this year.

 

The most important thing about this year, a real happy and one I am so grateful for, is that I still have David. Who knows how it might have been if things had not gone as they have. I often sit and think how lucky we are and remember those who will find this Christmas so hard. Those who have lost husbands, partners or men in their family. I will think of you all at this time and say, its actually okay to be sad. Cry your tears, feel your grief and then perhaps it won’t seem all consuming. Love to you all.

I made a decision last week to come back. The strong happy Carol Ann and I will do that. Even the strong are allowed to cry sometimes. Enjoy your build up to this magical time where ever you are and with whoever you are with. Remember to love them, share with them and enjoy.

Thankyou for reading x