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Today is a hard day. This past week has been a hard week. Friday was David’s birthday and unlike him, he seemed very down. We did what we always do, a funny cake, lots of gifts from everyone, animals included and he smiled but not a real smile. We had talked about going out but he had some kitchen ‘stuff’ arriving and so we had a quiet day, together, here on the farm. Went for along walk with the dogs, something I have not been up to for a while. That was good.

We are a small family, smaller now after being sadly betrayed by ‘family.’ It was me they were trying to hurt but as happens, my closer family also bear the brunt of this estrangement. None of it our fault and certainly not my husband’s, as the quarrel that started all of this was between me and my eldest daughter. I am known for my honesty, laughed at in the past for it by the 2 people who accuse me now of being a liar. My eldest daughter and my youngest sister. How easily people change the past to suit themselves in the moment. Keeping my integrity, refusing to lie on an Adoption form was the reason Lisa shut me out of her life. Should I have lied, pretended everything written on this legal document was correct? I don’t think so but I really wished I had been able to,  because the result of not lying has been horrendous.

But back to David and the ‘c’. He is very pragmatic, he says ‘we are where we are’ more often than I can accept. Yes we are where we are, here, accompanied by this uninvited ‘guest’ cancer. I thought all of my anger had gone but I was wrong.

I don’t want to be here! Here in this sadness and fear. Here where I can’t comfort the man I love and tell him everything will be okay. Because I don’t know. No one knows.The other morning he came over and put his head on my shoulder and sighed. ‘Everyone is so down’, he said in a much smaller voice than I had heard before. I could have cried. I held onto him as tightly as I could. As you would a child who was desolate and afraid, although I had never seen either of these traits in my husband. But we have never been here before. Here in the ‘we are where we are’. In the world that has been rocked and shaken so that all the pieces of it have fallen out of place. Nothing is normal now. Nothing is okay now. Nothing is safe now.  

Until this week, I had never thought of the ‘what ifs’ with any feeling. I had brushed them aside, didn’t want to go there. But now we have to. We have made new wills, necessary because he doesn’t want the people who have caused me such pain, to be able to have anything he has worked so hard for. We have written Wills before but the ‘d’ word was way off into the future. Not close or could be. Certainly not imminent and it still isn’t. But the fact that he wants to put his house in order is scary! Heartbreaking and necessary. I know that.

We lost one of our wonderful cats earlier this month and her brother is pining. The dogs are pining, none of them are eating, playing acting normal.

It is a very sad house to live in today. The sun is out, it is very cold but crisp and I pray for snow. When it snows it is as though Mother Nature has sent it to cleanse the world. Here in the beautiful Welsh countryside, it is amazing to see. We need cleansing. Our little world, needs cleansing. We need purifying from the horrendous year we have had, firstly at the hands of ‘family’ and then illnesses and death and now the dreaded ‘c’.

2016 has been the third horrid year we have had. All we ever wanted to do was love those around us, love our family distant and close. Love our animals and give them a good life and as a couple, spend quality time in retirement, here on this beautiful place we call home. Be happy.  This has been stolen from us with the diagnosis David had. But also with lies, deceit, badmouthing and evil people or one evil person  who has made it her life’s work to continue where the woman they ‘called my mother’ left off. 

Perhaps this will teach me.  Teach me not to make plans.  Not to be hopeful for the future. Maybe I was becoming a bit smug about living here, with my wonderful man.  I don’t know. What I do know is that David has not deserved any of this.  Any of the nasty things some people have done to me, therefore affecting him.  Done nothing to be where he is, in an illness that we have no idea of the outcome.  Here ‘where we are where we are’ holding me while I cry at night. Not only for him but over the past 3 years for what my daughter has put me through.

In my Christmas list, which my children would have written by this time when they were small, will be this.

David’s cancer to be cured.

My little cat Luther to be happy again.

My ‘family’ to see the truth and wake up before they are damaged beyond repair and my daughter understands that accepting the truth is the way ahead.

Next week I hope will be a better week.

Maybe 2017 will be kinder to us. I hope so.

Thankyou for reading x

This past week has made me realize how fragile this thing we call life is. How delicate relationships and family ties can be. As a child the week before 12th November, my birthday was always fraught. No-one mentioned my birthday at any time of the year and so when my Dad William arrived home, without a gift, he was in for a blasting from my ‘mother’. Until I was 11 and I had realized, that throughout the year, as my siblings big day was getting close, their birthdays would be discussed and so Dad knew when they were. He was a Royal Marine and had fought in the war and had been away a great deal. He had been away for 2 plus years when I was conceived and born. I wasn’t fathered by this wonderful man and he had no reason to remember my birthday. As my 11th approached, I bought a colouring book and some crayons and wrapped them up. The night before my birthday, I gave them to him out in his shed. I will never forget the sadness in his eyes as he understood I was trying to prevent another row. It failed, the row was different but still happened. So my birthday as a child was no fun to say the least. As an adult, having daughters I was fussed over and spoilt on the day and this has continued by my wonderful husband and youngest daughter for the past 31 years.

However, for regular readers of my social media, you would have seen the nasty cruel comments on here last year around my special day, and since, that have been written to try to put me back in the place I had been as a child. Alienated by ‘family’ and made to feel different and alone. Well, I am different and glad to be different. Last year I had most of my family on Facebook or Twitter but because of evil lies spread, I took everyone off for my sanity and safety. Of course I wish my ‘family’ were by my side at this difficult time but it ‘aint gonna’ happen. Not my doing but. I have accepted that now. But I have made contact with 3 relatives who are happy to be back in touch and that’s good.  This year I was spoilt and had a lovely day except for one thing. Sunday last, after writing my blog, my little 14 year old cat Boukie Rose was taken ill and sadly later that night she died. I was devastated as my husband was. She hadn’t been ill and that was something to be thankful for but a huge shock to us here ‘on the farm’. Her brother Luther is lost without her and it is heartbreaking to see. So the 12th November was blighted in a different way from last year with her death.

Other differences from 2015, my youngest daughter married in April so that is another  huge change. We lost another pony and our little herd is just that, little now. But the biggest blow is my beloved husband’s cancer diagnosis. We had no idea, nothing had made us suspicious, no symptoms, no pain. Nothing. Just a routine blood test and our world turned upside down. I have talked about this, my anger, my fear, my helplessness and fears for the future in earlier blogs. Today I was thinking how odd that he has cancer, with a little ‘c’ and is fit and well and I have been so ill! I would do anything to take the uncertainty from him, the worry but it seems his worry is for me. As I have said before, I have always been the strong one, in the family and at home. The one who others come to, but not currently. I am coming back, I know that, but it just seems strange that he is still looking after me. Everyday he reminds me of the things I have endured, both as a child and as a young adult. Recently in the unforgivable treatment from ‘family’. Hence the verse at the top of the blog.

Today I was sent a video of a man singing in a square. The song he sang went like this:

‘You raise me up to stand upon the mountain

You raise me up to walk on stormy seas.

I am strong when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up to more than I can be’.

Of course I have heard the song as you will have,many times but today I say these words to David. He is my rock and I am beginning to be his, I can see a way forward now as I couldn’t before. This year has been momentous. Many losses, huge changes and scary health issues. But together, with me on the shoulders of the man I love, we will make it. Family may not need me, not want me in their lives but we have each other and that’s what counts, in our truth, with the truth on our side, we will make it.

One of the reasons I believe I was successful in my work as Counsellor and Psychotherapist, is because of my own experiences. I have always believed that the best people to turn to, to help you through the storms of life are the ones who have endured their own storms. Having suffered most things in life that can hurt us, not said for sympathy, just a fact, I am able to understand where people are coming from. I never insult them by saying ‘I know how you feel’ because we are all different. But I can understand the depth of their feelings and their fears. I have facilitated groups and group work is very successful. Since David’s diagnosis I have joined a couple of groups on social media,Prostate Cancer Support group being one of them and the help, advice, support and love has been amazing. Can’t do it without that input so thanks guys.

So another year gone and I will be glad when 2016 says goodnight. 2017 can’t be worse, in any way so I will look forward and see the light, standing tall at my husband’s side whatever life throws at us.

Thankyou for reading x

 

 

You don’t know me but I know you. We have met many times before. You crash into people’s lives uninvited, destroy dreams, take away the future they planned and their dreams along with that. You steal their peace of mind and replace it with anguish, fear, sadness and grief.

You are a sneak thief, creeping in without being seen or felt, spreading your damage with nobody aware of your presence. We don’t want you c. Nobody wants you but here you are! Not satisfied with taking those already taken, those we loved and knew, you continue to inflict your poison not only on your prey, but on everyone in the lives of your victims.

You put grief for those we love, in place of surety of a future. We talk of people dying from cancer but what about those living with it? David is fit, active and healthy but because of you, a stowaway on our journey that is called life, he has to undergo treatment that could make him poorly. Give him problems, make him unwell. Yes that may be temporary but this will happen and he does not deserve any of it! You have put fear into us, both your victim and  the people who love that victim. You were not invited, we didn’t want you , we didn’t even know you were there! How cowardly and cruel is that! You gave us no warning, we didn’t go looking for you. A simple routine test and suddenly, there you were with all you nasties, all your fear, pain and heartache.

You make us angry, not with our loved ones but with you! I hope I am speaking for all of us who are on this unwanted journey alongside those you have tainted with your evil disease.

You have crept in and caused the reason for our sadness and fear, cunningly, quietly giving us no chance to shut you out because we didn’t even know you were coming. An unwanted and unexpected ‘guest’ at our table.

But most of all you give us helplessness, something I for one, find hard to cope with. So Damn you cancer. Damn  Damn  Damn you!!

Yes I am angry but mostly I am afraid. For my husband and what is ahead for him but more afraid of the unknown for us both. Afraid that feeling as sick as I do now, with my own health problems, that I will not be strong enough to cope. To care for this man I love. I would do anything to take his place. Anything.

Friends say ‘You are the strong one Carol Ann, look what you have been through so far and survived. You will cope’. But I have my doubts, especially on days like today. I have scary irrational and intrusive thoughts, that bombard my aching mind without respite. I ask myself, ‘I feel so weak, I am in such pain how will I cope feeling this way?’ At first I don’t have an answer.

I wrote in an earlier blog, not to you cancer, but to readers, that as a child I was never allowed to say ‘It’s not fair’ or ‘I hate..’. Well do you know what? I grew up in a dysfunctional family without the love of a mother, without love that was showered on my siblings and without feeling safe. I was often the scapegoat. I never ever said it wasn’t fair. I suffered a lifetime of CSA, lived in fear and pain. I never once said it wasn’t fair. I never hated. I was helpless. But as I said, I grew up. I eventually found lasting love in David, found happiness and love . I wrote my story, recovered enough to deal with the legacies of my childhood and even then never hated.

Today, this morning, I was that child again. Living in fear, in pain and terror and helpless to a fault. How dare you creep back in, as ‘family’ did a few years ago, through the back door, silently with no one knowing what was happening and try to steal the reason for my happy life where fear didn’t exist! How dare you take people from those who love them, in such a cowardly horrible way?!

You stole many in my life with your cancerous illness, loved ones who didn’t survive your onslaught. Relatives, siblings and best friends, now you think you can steal my man, my rock, my life! Well not on my watch! I need to be kinder to me in all of this, give myself some leeway.

So I have given myself permission to say it’s not fair. Permission to feel scared, angry and sad. I need to try to look after ‘little Carol Ann’, to make her well enough to fight her fears and gain strength from remembering how far I have come. I thought I had survived the worst that could happen in my life but was not ready for you. I need to try to find the fight that I used to have.

Tomorrow is a new week, I am hoping this sickness I have will turn a corner and I will be on my way to recovering and fit to face whatever life throws at us next. You won’t keep me down for long, believe me.

So cancer; my enemy and every one elses’ enemy, sorry, but medicine has improved, people are working all over the world to toss you out with the garbage. When all of this is over, when I have regained my strength, helped my man through this, hopefully comfort him if he feels scared, carry him if he is weak and love him all through, I will, with every ounce of my being, fight you all the way to your own death. Your extinction.

Yes I will shed more tears, some out of fear for where we find ourselves, some of anger and frustration but mark my words, I won’t go down without a fight. I will win.We will win and we will one-day have a world without you.

Carol Ann the strong is a formidable character, and I hope she will be back here very soon, so watch out!

Get ready.

Your enemy

Carol Ann