Category: Christmas

To understand some of my blog, you need to have known about my earlier life.

7 Years ago, I wrote my autobiography. Because of the sensitivity of the content, I had to write under a pseudonym and let everyone directly involved in my story , know of the book. This I did . A year or two before this and the prompt for writing my story, I had become re acquainted with someone I had been very close to in my teens. Someone who was very important to me, and his family. I discovered that this family, who I had been told hated me, had always wanted me to be part of their lives. To be the sister they never had. At family occasions, I had always been the missing part. They talked about me and wondered how I was and what I was doing.I was both overjoyed by what this now meant but saddened for all those lost years. When I began the book I asked them if they were okay with it and was told to ‘go for it’, knowing that what I was going to write was the truth. Since the I have been welcomed to the family, a niece I never knew I had and brothers and sister in-laws. Making me a sister to 5 brothers, how lucky am I!

I don’t have ‘birth’ family around me, I live in West Wales they live mostly in Hampshire. I was always close to my brother and my two elder sisters, sadly the eldest died of cancer a few years ago. The second eldest has been fed lies about me and so has shut me out of her family. As I have said before because of my honesty, I lost my eldest daughter and grandsons and this has led to lies and stories told to the rest of my ‘family’ and me having no way of defending myself except on the first blog I wrote on here. I used to visit my home town regularly but because of our commitments here and ill-health, I haven’t been back for a few years. I miss seeing family especially my brother , the one I grew up with, Tony. Efforts have been made in the past to come between my brother and myself but we both love each other and so it did not succeed.

During the past 3 years, I have been told to take photos off my social media, to remove blogs and to stop saying how I missed people. Sometimes I have done this and recently I have not. I still have MY memories and no one is going to stop me sharing those. To stop this from happening I made my page private and took family off my friend list, explaining why.

I ring my brother every week, sometimes twice a week and recently he told me he had a fall and had been to hospital. I had  not been aware of this as I am always the last to be told for reasons already mentioned. Being so far away sucks. I feel so helpless and cannot go to see him and help in his care, even though I now know it would not be welcomed by ‘family’.

Although I have taken steps to stop being ‘harassed’ on social media, especially at this time with all that is going on in my life, someone is sending my posts to a relative and this has led to my being,once again, TOLD to remove it and not to mention my brother on social media. The post was one where I expressed my anger at cancer. Having lost so many friends and family, now my beloved David having cancer, I found that my precious little dog has a cancerous growth that must be removed. In this ‘post’ I mentioned ‘my brother’. It could have meant anyone of my remaining 4 brothers. The person telling me, has  caused me pain and nuisance, bringing more accusations of my trying to cause trouble. I don’t need this!   I obviously thought, as I had been shut out of family life, everyone else would have known before me that my brother had been ill. I also did not think for one minute, that people who ignore my messages to them, asking about family, would still be monitoring my social media!!

So it has not been a good week!

I did begin, last Monday with being positive. I had read some lovely and some funny posts of the Prostate cancer groups I belong to, and many that had renewed my hopes for a positive result after David’s surgery. Tuesday was not too bad and I had been posting positive,funny and  inspirational sayings and posts on Social media, trying to stay uplifted.

Wednesday brought us to the vet and the outcome was anything but positive. Ellie has a cancerous growth on her tummy that has to be removed this week. cancer once again. Hence the post on Facebook. They say things come in 3’s. Well I can count and three, this time round, it is. So let’s hope. Wednesday had taken me back to an all time low. Not only did it mean surgery for Ellie, but logistically it made  me panic . What if David is called to surgery and Ellie is not recovered.?To understand my concerns,you would need to know my little dog. Coming from an horrific home, she is highly strung, very clingy to me and suffers hypervigilance. Is scared of any noise and constantly aware of her surroundings. We keep everything the same so as not to upset her. Her early life was so awful that it is still very much affecting her life now.We have made arrangements for a young man, who she knows but has not seen for a few years, to look after everything here. Now, could I leave her? Would David want me to leave her? Back to the what if’s bigtime. I was beginning to think of things going wrong in surgery, for her and for David. Then the fears returned in all their horrible glory. The what ifs took over and the message from my niece TELLING me to remove my post, just added to how vulnerable and angry I felt.

Bu then I wrote a reply to an email from my son, who also lives in Hampshire. It is usually me reassuring him but now the he is telling me. ‘just look at each situation separately, not as a collective. always here for you.’ That is where I was going wrong, again. Seeing everything as one huge hurdle, one huge worry, one huge hurt. I had to take them each as separate things, one at a time as my son said. Little bites, taking little steps, something I always tell clients. One day at a time. One step at a time. One issue at a time. That way the overwhelming becomes less.

So yesterday I began to put this in place. I am taking steps to make my social media as private as I can without losing those I love and those I know who won’t try to cause me anymore stress. I am writing letters to my children, a ‘just in case’ that was always going to be done. All of my children. That way I can use social media for the right reasons and get back to blogging as a way of de stressing myself and hopefully bringing some comfort to others.

Today, Sunday began with a very early phone call from Australia. Unexpected and surprising. My husband’s best and closest friend for more years than we want to think of, is coming back over here for a visit later this month. We did see him in the Summer and he was very upset when David told him about the cancer. He is not usually an emotional man but became very upset when he had to go home. He then wrote inviting us both to stay on his farm for Christmas and New Year. With all of our own animals and expecting a phone call re David’s surgery, we declined but who knows, one day. It was so good to see my husband smile. The past few days, I tried hard not to tell him about the latest ‘family’ stuff but he knows me too well and was concerned that I was upset about something else. I told him and he was both angry and hurt that people are making trouble for me at this awful time. But seeing Peter will make him feel a lot better I am sure.

So as the poster says, I will smile, I will act and I will pretend, just as I did as a child and a younger woman. Yes it is hard and family should be around me and I should be around them but it isn’t like that. Life is how it is and my priority is my husband and my animals ‘here on the farm’. Upbeat I don’t feel but I can pretend to be and who knows, ‘whistle a happy tune’ might actually work.One step…..

Take care everyone and thanks for reading. x

 

 

It’s been a hard week, waiting for an appointment for David’s assessment pre op. Long gloomy week. Even the weather most days felt heavy and low. He remains well and active as though there is nothing wrong with him. I think that the others on the group are right, the waiting can be the hardest part. Waiting for tests, waiting for results. Waiting for tests, waiting for results etc. etc. Now waiting for an appointment to assess his suitability for surgery. Waiting! Waiting! Waiting!

I have said in the past that I wish, we wish, at times that the PSA test had never been part of a routine group of bloods our GP did. Wish we could un-know what we now know. But we do know and we want the cancer gone! Of course in reality, we are glad the test was done before the cancer became inoperable and spread. But neither of us are very patient when it is something this important. But we have no choice,so we go on waiting!

This week has seen me at my worst. Very low on some days, high on others. But the lows, bring the self -doubt and are sometimes stronger than the highs. All of this has started us thinking of when we are no longer on this earth. Depressing yes but necessary, yes. We have re drawn our Wills. Making sure that when the time comes, if we have any of our beloved pets, ponies, dogs or cats; that they are provided for and cared for as we would want. I have made sure that my bequests are clear and that certain people will receive the things I want them to have. Special pieces of jewelry etc. All done ‘just in case’. I have found myself doing a lot of ‘just in case’ lately. I have made Memory boxes for my son and my daughters, both of them. They were started years ago when my eldest and I were very close; we were close for all of her growing up and most of her adult life. We fell out a few times, mostly because of my needing honesty from her but always made up after a little while. This was before the ‘poison’ was spread to her and the family. But I will continue with her box and when the time comes it will be hers. The estrangement still hurts and last night after thinking about her a lot, I had an awful dream that she was calling for me but not allowed to see me. I had a recurring dream that was similar when she was a child, when the woman they called my ‘mother’ and my youngest sister tried hard to turn Lisa against me. Eventually, 3 years ago, with lies, they have, or rather my youngest sister, has succeeded.

The dream was possibly because I found photos of her and her family on holiday in Tenerife. On return, her husband had told me of a trip they took to the top of a ‘mountain’, by jeep, he was driving. It had been a sheer drop the side my daughter was sitting and she was terrified, calling out for me,’ her Mum. We laughed at the time. How I wish she would call out to me now.

Yesterday I was made aware of something that has been said about me and my life and family, in response to lies written on Social Media by a family member. Someone I used to admire and who I thought knew me. The comments on her post, were made by people I have never met, people who know nothing about my life or about me. Believing these lies and adding their own opinions. How can you have an opinion of someone you know nothing about or a situation you know nothing about?? I feel sorry for them, they can’t be nice people. Possibly the kind who buy newspapers to read of the horrors, that are committed around the world. Not wanting to read about good, honest and kind people. Bad nasty news sell papers, I think these ‘believers and commenters’ are people who enjoy other people’s drama, true or not. If people want to know the truth about my life, as the picture above states, please ask me. No one else, just me. Others make us stories and tell lies to suit their own agenda. Most of the lies have been said by someone who has not been part of my life, or knew anything about it for more than 30 almost 40 years. The only person who knows about my life, is Me. But they can’t hurt me anymore. The past 3 years have left me all hurt out. I don’t need to make up stories of pain, hurt or worry, I have it in bucket loads, I don’t need to lie about anything and I won’t. Yesterday has to be put right there, yesterday and I need all my energy to fight today and tomorrow whatever it brings.

That’s enough of ‘family’, my little family here on the farm is all that is important to me now. David and my animals are my life and I am not going to give another seconds thought to those who choose to live outside of my life. Stay there, I can no longer afford to worry about any of you.

A few days before Christmas, in the middle of the night, I went to get out of bed and had a kind of ‘episode’, spinning around of the room, like being on a roller coaster. I couldn’t stand up or move much. It lasted quite a while and gave us both a fright. A few days later a similar ‘episode’. So because it was worrying my husband, I mentioned it to my GP at my appointment for blood checks and he is sending me for a brain scan. Scary? Not really, as I think it could be stress, as he first suggested. I am hoping it is nothing sinister as I don’t have time to be ill. I am sure it is stress, I have seen how worry and heartache can affect people, I see it all in my work all the time, and I have stress in huge amounts at present. So I am telling myself that that is what caused these ‘attacks’. That way I will stop worrying and adding that to my anxiety levels.

Back to the main reason for my blog. I have read many positive posts of the PC group this past week, lots of successes after Robotic surgery. Yes, some side effects but David and I just want the cancer with a little ‘c,’ gone so that we can get on with our lives. The brave men and women on this site, give me comfort, strength and hope. They bring me up when I am down and above all, some have made me smile. Thank you to you all.

We have also been searching the Internet for possible places to move to, downsize after recovery. Not sure where we will go yet, many possibilities and this has given us a focus to take our minds off the next few months.

Surgery, we were told, will be January or early February. David and I have gone through a great deal in the past 3 years, none of it good but are still here, still together, still smiling and still in love. So whatever the next few weeks bring, we are more than ready for it. Yes it has been a hard week but a new week ahead and I will make it a good one.

Thanks for reading and virtual hugs to you all, x

 

As the year crawls to an exhausted end, I usually reflect on what has happened during its reign. Do I want to do that? Not really but I will keep up my own tradition and that way maybe, just maybe the year will leave me feeling better than when it began.

This time last year I will have written about how 2015 had left me reeling. How members of my own family have hurt me and caused us all here, pain and unhappiness. I hoped 2016 would be better.

Hope wasn’t listening.

This year has been one of the worst of my adult life. I had thought last year was bad but it had nothing on the extremes of hurt, pain and fear I have experienced these last 12 months. At first, all courtesy of my youngest sister and my eldest daughter.

I began the year having been maligned and insulted on social media by so-called family. I thought that was as bad as it could get. I was wrong.

I wrote my autobiography back in 2009 and it has sold really well for the past 7 years. Again, ‘family’ stepped into my world, with lies and libelous statements to my publisher that left me with the book taken off the market and my contract terminated. Not to do with the book’s content but the disclosure of my real name by them. I was heartbroken. It was my life’s work and was helping so many people. Eventually, I found another publisher and a 2nd edition was produced and is now back selling. But the nasty taste this left in my mouth took a long time to go away. I have written about the ‘Truth’ of what happened in earlier blogs and so am not going to repeat myself. During this time I was at an all time low.

Because of family I briefly lost touch with my beloved brother but persevered and we are now back in touch, not quite the same but the love on both parts is still there.

Then we had Marie’s wedding, a happy affair, almost spoiled again by family but they didn’t succeed. The only light in  a dark year.

The  world was beginning to look better, life was picking up and David and I were about to embark on a new phase in our lives. The first time in 31 years we were going to be just us, a couple. No children to worry about, no one else to consider except each other and our beloved animals. We made plans, moving house, down sizing. Maybe even returning to our old home town. Life was good ‘here on the farm’.

Thankfully family stuff had stopped but not before lies had been spread to alienate most of my extended family. At first I found this devastating, like I had felt as a child. Lots of tears over people I know are not worth it. The heart doesn’t always understand that, even if the head does.

Then the worst thing of all. David’s diagnosis. A simple blood test and we found he had cancer. Our world was turned on its head and nothing has been the same since. Again I have written about this in earlier blogs but was not prepared for the ups and downs of these past weeks.

I had an early Christmas card from someone I was close to in college, we stayed in touch. She has cancer and is very poorly. A lady who has given her life to helping others and now she is on the other side of that. Not fair, not fair at all.

Then we lost one of our last two little cats, that was heartbreaking as her brother pined for weeks. We had a very sick pony and were sure we would lose her but thankfully haven’t.

There is nothing left in this coming year that could hurt us more than the fear we have had these past few months. We don’t of course know the outcome of treatment David will have but we know that he is having surgery to remove the cancer early in the year. After this, we will take each day at a time. Maybe they will get it all in one foul swoop so to say. That is the outcome we are of course hoping for. I have read everything there is to read about this cancer and the odds are good. I belong to 2 groups on social media and they have been supportive, patient and sometimes uplifting. I have read the good and the bad.

These past 2 weeks, I have again waxed and waned between feeling really positive and telling myself that he will recover fully and we will get life back on track. To the very worst outcome and that’s the thought that brings me to my knees. I have gone to bed, reading something nice to help me sleep. Doesn’t work for long, sometimes I can’t get any sleep and when I do, I have  nightmares of losing him. Other times, I awake and stretch feeling okay and thump, like a sledgehammer, reality kicks in. Those days are the worst. Writing the nightmares and these heavy thoughts down, sometimes helps me get rid of these feelings. Not always.

Will I lose him? Terrifying thought

Will I be strong enough to do this with him?

Will life ever be normal again?

It that selfish? Possibly.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Maybe.

Am I being optimistic? Always! No choice.

 Of course I don’t know the answers but I feel that the past 3 years we have had enough of the bad stuff to last the rest of our lives. My birth family have waged onslaught after onslaught but I am still here, still telling the truth and always will. David having cancer is the worst of everything 2016 threw at us. I remind myself of where I came from. I remind myself that I have 100% track record of survival. So I will survive this coming year, and if I don’t, it won’t be for lack of trying! 

Gloomy reading isn’t it. Sorry but that’s how its been. I have tried to find some positives, some really happy but can’t today. I have read so many posts on social media that say the same 2016 was a horrid year. If you look around the world, read the paper, see the news, the world has been chaotic this past 12 months and so why would it be any different for  me.

So, whatever 2017 has in store, I am ready for you! Family, cancer, truth or lies I am ready and I will kick you all into touch!

So let’s see the demise of  this horrible nasty cruel year that called itself 2016 and face its successor full in the face and tell it, ‘we are ready, bring it on’. Let’s not mourn for it, let’s not look back, let’s take out any good bits and place them safely away and throw the rest out with the garbage.

So my wish to anyone reading this is , is more than Happy New Year. Its that 2017 brings you better health, strength to face whatever it throws at you, fortitude to carry on and lots and lots of love.x

Happy New Year all and Thankyou for reading. x

 

As a child my Christmas’s were not good. As a  young Mum Christmas was time I loved. Giving is something precious to me and very important. Whether it be gifts, cards or hospitality, giving is my idea of Christmas. But the most important gift we can give to anyone is our time. As a little girl I enjoyed watching my siblings open their presents, my brother; the year he had a new bike, something I had asked for, and my youngest sister, who wasn’t old enough to ride a bike, had a bright gleaming red one. I didn’t. But seeing the joy on their faces, made me feel happy.This was the theme as my brother and sisters know. I soon learned to enjoy by proxy, not good for a child but I had other things on my mind and watching them unwrapping their presents, in anticipation ,took my mind of what was happening to me. So it became a time for giving and I gave as much as I possibly could to my daughters, too much perhaps. We always had a happy fun-filled time and I loved seeing my family happy.

This year more than ever I see the importance of time. None of us know how much we have. It isn’t endless, the bank of life can run out much sooner than we think. We can’t pay in to it, we can’t earn interest, we can only appreciate what is there and we never know when the account may become empty. This year I am making an effort to invest only in sureties. No speculation as I have had these past 3 years. No hoping the return may be better than I had anticipated. No looking for credits in my life that I had prayed for but never received. This year, I will treasure what I have in my ‘account’ and not waste anymore on fruitless efforts or investments. Wasting our Life Account is futile and  heartbreaking. Life and time are precious and we will never get the investment back.

Bit confusing? Not really.

Back in 2013 I lost contact with my eldest daughter Lisa Jayne and her family through trying to keep my integrity. I have spoken of this in earlier blogs. Things became very fraught and nasty and earlier this year especially Mothers day, she and her aunt stole from me the most valuable of fragile things, my time. They ran a vendetta that made me ill, took me away from my husband in person and in emotionally. All my energy, thought process, all my emotional investment went into trying to get them to stop. They ruined something precious for me but most of all stole me from my wonderful husband in spirit. That is unforgivable. Yes I suppose I allowed it to happen in a way, trying hard to make things right, to let other family members know the truth but none of that was worth it. They destroyed part of me, leaving me vulnerable, weak and poorly. I will never get that time back. I will never get the past 3 years of pain back and for that I am so sad.

This Christmas is going to be hard as the past 3 have. Without my family, my daughter and grandsons, it has never been the same but I can’t change that. This year with David’s operation looming it will be very hard to be upbeat and happy. Christmas is the silly season but this year is anything but silly. Christmas is a time for rejoicing and sharing. I don’t feel like rejoicing and I wouldn’t want to share my own feelings with anyone. Except I can, on here.

I could mope, I could say let’s forget about it, let’s not celebrate, as I felt last year but that would mean they, my evil ‘sister’ and co. had won. This year it would mean that cancer had won. That ‘aint gonna happen!

The views from my study window are breathtaking, I used to bore people telling them this but it was the truth. I see no beauty now. I try. I stare out at the hills, see the sunrises and the sunsets but nothing warms my heart. Times like this, Christmas, you need those you love around you. You want the children that were yours, all grown up now with their own children, near to you, close. What you don’t need is hostility, unkindness and hurt. If I could change this I would in a flash but I can’t. If I could take my beloved David’s cancer for myself, again I would in a heartbeat. But I can’t. So I haven’t been able to see any beauty in anything and I know I need to find how to see it again.

I need to have the expectations that I gave my daughter when they were children, I need to find excitement I gave them in the build up to the silly season. I want to feel the joy in giving and help us all through this difficult time. So far I have failed to do this. But I will.

As I sit here typing with my dogs at my feet and my solitary cat asleep on the bed, I remind myself of how much love we have here ‘on the farm’. David loves me, I know that. He is always here for me, making me smile, making me laugh and holding me when I cry. He never misses the chance to grab a kiss or a hug and always kisses me good night at the end of every painful day. I am here for him comforting, encouraging, loving him and always will be. I can’t make it all go away but I can make this Christmas the best ever, I need to do this for him, for us. When I asked him what he wanted for Christmas he told me that I couldn’t wrap it up. When pressed for a sensible reply he said ‘All I want is to have you here with me’. How can you answer that.

So, this year we don’t have all we want. I don’t have the family I want here with me. David, although very well in himself, no symptoms or signs of illness, doesn’t have a healthy cancer free body  yet. So we don’t have peace of mind and are still in a bit of shock from the past few months revelations.But we have lots of love, for and from all our charges here, the rescued ponies, the ‘bought’ ponies, the 25 Mallard ducks who come every winter, the 3 new More hens, Shamaz, the stray cat that lives in the barn, our beautiful Luther black cat and our two amazing little dogs. We also have a wonderful daughter and so we have so much more than a lot of people.  Yes Christmas is proving hard but we have to pull through, if we don’t it will be a victory for everything and everyone who is against us.

As a child I dreaded this time of the year, I knew it would be hard and that is why I became a giver, being a receiver always left me disappointment so giving became my pleasure. I have to find little Carol Ann, learn from her, get her to remind me what is important in life. Sometimes, times like today, I forget. Time, that is what it’s all about, giving that to the people I love. Being there for them, letting them cry with me or to me, letting those I love pour their worry out to me and be able to hold it and comfort them. Not allowing others whose lies and nastiness stole so much of my past years, steal any more. Being a giver again is what will be my salvation this year and my resolution for 2017. Then I will see the beauty again and next year had better watch out. When I am strong, I am very very strong, my past has taught me that. So cancer, so ‘family’ watch this space!

If I believed in Christmas wishes I would wish for this.

Prostate cancer and all cancer, to be a thing of the past.

My family reunited in love and kindness.

Peace for everyone.

But wishes don’t come true so it’s down to me!

Have a wonderful Christmas everyone and don’t worry about what tomorrow may bring, that is wasting this precious gift of life and time.Be happy in today and enjoy memories of years gone and make memories for those to come. Give your time to those in need but don’t allow others to steal it from you. you need it all.

Thank you for reading. x