Author: carolannwright

aka  CASSIEHARTE

14 years ago, I found the courage and strength to tell my story. One of the first Child Sexual Abuse stories told. With the support of my husband, my two daughters and two people who played significant parts in my life, I wrote I DID TELL I DID.

It was, until that time in my life, the hardest thing I had ever done. All authors of their own true stories know, that going back over their past is painful. To revisit the horrors, the memories, the abuse and fear, was a journey I found almost at times, impossible. The only way I could do this was to get up in the night, go to my study and write whilst the family was asleep.

I had boxed things up so tightly, that at times, it felt too hard to force  off the lids to face the horrors that were inside the aged boxes. During my Masters in Counselling training, we had to work on our own demons. I did enough to get me through but my lecturer used to refer to the bits I couldn’t access, as ‘Carol and her bloody boxes.’ Well there I was Gerry, opening each one with trepidation and fear.

I can’t have been very easy to live with at this time but David, Lisa and Marie, gave me heaps of encouragement and were proud of my endeavor to share my story.

I DID TELL was not about money, not about fame, not about sympathy and not even really about me. It was for all us, all who have suffered Sexual abuse and kept silent. All of us victims, too afraid to tell and all of those who I wanted to help, tell their own story. Since writing my book, I have had hundreds of letters, emails, messages from readers telling me they were inspired, that they gained strength, that they didn’t feel so alone. I still, to this day, receive emails and reviews, all kind and I feel so privileged to have been a tiny part of someone’s journey to survival.Some have gone on to write their own books, tell their own stories and it makes me so proud of these people and a little proud of myself. This was the reason for sharing what had happened to me and it had worked. For the first time in a long time, I was proud to be me, proud of the little frightened child who was often still present in my everyday life. Now I felt stronger and more able to talk about my life. I had been proud to have had the strength to tell it as it was. Every word true, sincere and in a way cathartic.

I sent my story to Harper Collins and at it’s first reading, the acquisition Editor, contacted me and said she had never been so touched by any story and had never had a whole manuscript emailed to her before. She sounded very excited. I met with them the following week and was signed up to be published. It was like a dream. They had faith in me and my book. I published, at their insistence, under a pseudonym for legal reasons. I knew there would be no trouble, I knew what I had written was true but agreed to Cassie Harte, my pseudonym,being born so to speak.

I had told almost everybody who was in the book, the woman ‘they called my mother’ had known of the book before she died. My abusers sons knew and encouraged me to name and shame, but I didn’t, not because I was afraid, but because I wasn’t allowed back then but I had their blessing. The anonymity had to be kept to protect me and others in the book. I DID TELL went straight to Number One in the charts, sold more than 120,000 copies and the rest is history.It is still selling and reaching the charts today! How good is that!

Over the next 7 years I made many friends on social media, told other family members more about my past and friends who hadn’t known. My life story was, I know now, very typical of other abuse survivors. One of inability to sustain relationships. Inability to enjoy sex. Using ‘tools’ such as medication to cope and feeling inferior, inadequate and unloved. I was over protective and possessive, especially of my children. Understanding that, helped me begin to try to love the little girl who was Carol Ann and the woman I had become. All in all a positive.The story of the wrong tool, prescribed medication, is told in my second book NOBODY TOLD ME.

I lived in a beautiful part of the world, Monmouthshire for 14 years and West Wales for 12 years. I changed my life completely, gained a Masters in CBT Psychotherapy, ran my own practice and worked for local authorities, the legal system and the Family Courts. Loving every minute. I have been given the title of a ‘honorary Welsh Woman’ by clients I have worked with.I was also very honoured to be a finalist in Welsh Woman of the Year. Very humbling. David and I are still together and share a wonderful relationship. Marie is now married and is very happy.Life was better than I could ever have dreamed and we were so very happy.

We lived in a lovely old farmhouse and had many ponies, horses, ducks, geese and dogs and cats. An idiylic life and I felt so lucky.

But the nasty in all of this, crept back after a few years ago. Soon Little Carol Ann was back. Sad, scared, feeling lost and becoming isolated from ‘family’ she loved. I am not going over this as I have told readers, in earlier blogs, how my book was taken off the market after 7 years and my publishing contract terminated. All of this was because of evil lies and trouble caused by my eldest daughter and my youngest sister, the latter, who, up until a couple of years before, had nothing to do with any of us for over 40 years. This all left me feeling bereft.

If, at the beginning, when I DID TELL first came out, even though the people who played a big part in my life, were either dead or had been told of its contents, knew; there was always a chance of someone coming forward and saying it was lies. I can’t prove what happened to me but no one can prove that it didn’t. Those close to me say my life now makes sense to them. They can see now why I behaved in certain ways, why I kept making mistakes with partners etc. Why I was given anti anxiety, anti depressants while suffering horrific abuse at an abusers hands, that no one knew about. They now understand the effect the abuse has had and the medication. People now say they know the real me.

My book being taken down, was because of a personal matter that should have remained personal. The lies told to my publisher were out of spite, and I have been told, jealousy. Nothing to do with the content of either book but identifying me and others.My daughter knew only too well, that I had to remain anonymous, to protect her and my family and also knew what would happen if I broke cover or was identified in any way.To be betrayed by your own family is a hurt like no other.She and my sister had identified themselves on social media by insulting me and telling lies, under their own profile. Hence identifying me as Cassie Harte. Then writing to my publisher, as my daughter, in her own name!Stupid? Yes but damaging to me.Publishers are very afraid of litigation and because my daughter had threatened this, they had to act. They knew everything said was lies but couldn’t take the chance and so I DID I TELL was taken out.

As a child I was alone in the abuse, unable to tell anyone. Now apart from David and Marie, I had become alone again. courtesy of ‘family’. The betrayal of my daughter and my book off the market, left me in a very dark place.

But everything changed, I revamped the book and found a way of having it published with a new cover. I DID TELL I DID came back to the shelves.

No one will ever stop me telling my story, for whatever reason they try. I will and have always told the truth, always will at whatever cost.

So although the story is the same, there is an addition explaining the reason behind the second edition.

The cover is different but so like the child I was, and once again I felt proud.

So to anyone out there who has suffered in any way. If you think your story can help others, if you feel the need to tell and cleanse yourself of any bad incidents or issues in your life, whether it be abuse or another nasty. Read my story, pick up your pen and go for it! Don’t let anyone steal this right from you!

Both of my true life stories are out there and will stay out there, to help others. Number three is on the way as we speak.

Watch this space.

Thankyou for reading.x

When I was a child, both of my grandmothers were alive. We saw a great deal of my mother’s mum, my Nan Williams but little of my Dad’s Mum, Nan B.

I had a very troubled childhood, some of you know that but one thing I never mentioned in my books, was the relationship between my ‘Mother’ and my Nan B. It was just how it was I suppose, how I grew up, didn’t really think much about it as a small child but as I grew up, I would go and see my Nan B in her little house and we became close. Not as close as I was to my other Nan but close as children and grandparents should be.

In my early memory, she would come to our house some Christmas days, for lunch when all of the family would be there. But never regularly and at one time, she stopped coming all together. I asked my Mother why and she just told me it was none of my business, as she usually did when I asked about anyone or anything.

I noticed over time that Dad would often be a little upset when my mother’s mum came around on birthdays etc but not his Mum. When I asked him, he just said that his Mum and my Mum did not really get along and not to ask about it as it could cause a row.

When I was about 14, my parents ran an ‘old folks Club’, in our local community centre and I asked why Nan B wasn’t coming to it. This started an almighty tirade from my ‘mother.’ Shouting and calling my Nan some nasty names and forbidding me from seeing her. I didn’t understand and was upset and knew Nan would be if I, we stopped going to see her. I spoke to Dad about it and he looked so sad and said that if that’s what my Mum wanted then so be it.

For a few years this continued and we didn’t see Nan B. No one mentioned her without it resulting in a row. As far as my Mother was concerned, Nan was the worst person anyone could know and she was not to be contacted, talked to etc by any of us. Really upsetting as she was an old lady and our Nan.

My brother Tony decied to call and see her after school and not tell Mum. After a few visits I decided to do the same. We were her family, all she had and it seemed so wrong that she didn’t have visits from us. So between us, we both secretly went to call on her. She was so excited to see us and refused to talk about our Mum. Didn’t bad mouth her, just said that is how it is but at least she saw us.

On one of these visits, I was surprised to see Dad cycling away from his Mum’s home. I didn’t say anything to Nan but later asked my Dad if he had been to see her. He looked a bit worried, caught out and then said, yes he had never stopped seeing her but Mum could never find out. His own Mum and he had to sneak around to see her. I was only young but knew that was so wrong.

I broached the subject of Nan with my mother, on a day she seemd a little warmer to me, big mistake. This ended with my being forbidden any contact with her and my mother shouting and screaming at me, what a nasty person her mother in law was.

This went on for many years and I know that Dad still secretly visited his mum . I did find out later what was wrong between them and if anyone had reason to dislike the other, it was my poor Nan.

It doesn’t matter what happens between you and another person, you have no right to influence or alienate one against another. You have no right to come between a parent and their child, I see this a lot in marriage breakdowns. Or a grandparent and their granchild. My mother, who was really nasty person I am ashamed to say, had no right to try and stop Dad from seeing his own mother, no matter how she felt about her. She also had no right talking to us, her kids, about our Nan and trying to alienate us against her. Cruel, selfish and so very wrong.

As some of you know, over the years my eldest daughter has fallen out with me, us, many times and each time, she has stopped my grandchildren from having contact with me, us. I would keep trying to stay in touch but when they were young, she would just stop them seeing me. As they have grown up, she has lied, told them so many made up stories about me and alienated them from seeing me or having any contact.

This is so wrong.

However you feel about someone, those are your feelings. They should remain your feelings and you should never try and ruin any relationship between anyone . Let them see their Dad, their Mum, their grand parents etc. etc. Don’t influence them either way, you don’t have the right!

My Dad loved his Mum and this relationship was spoiled by the selfish actions of my mother. She made my Dad creep around, become secretive and feel as though he was doing something wrong. Just by seeing his own Mum!!!

Why am I writing this?

Once again, lies have circulated and I have heard of them so felt angry and the need for this blog.

My eldest has lied about me and then shut me out of her life laying the blame on me. That was bad enough but it is her choice. No one elses’ only hers.

As she did when my grandsons were small, she has prevented them from seeing me, having contact with me. Yes I know they are now young men but sadly, my daughter is very much like her Grandmother, nasty and vindictive. My grandsons have no choice, because I know she would make their lives hell, if they continued contact with me. That, I find is unforgivable.

I love all of my children, but that doesn’t mean I have to like how they behave. Because my eldest, won’t face up to her lies, she finds it easier to keep anyone she knows away from me. That way, they will never find out the truth.Her issues I know but I am the one who misses out and so are they.

If allowed we, David and I would be good grandparents to our boys and our little granddaughter, but we are not allowed. That is unforgivable.

So if you fall out with someone, remember it is You who have done this. You who have stopped contact. You who choose to shut them out of your life..

No-one else. It shouldn’t involve your partner, your children or your friends. Keep your opinions, if unkind , nasty or/and lies, to yourself. Don’t influence others to feel how you do.Because believe me, one day it will come back to bite you on the bum as my Nan would say. Think on. Please.

Thankyou for reading x

ps. During this year we have had contact with our eldest grandson but that seems to have stopped. I can only think that my daughter Lisa, has made his life difficult and once again, because of that he has stopped seeing us. I could be wrong but I am sure I am not. This has happened so often over the years.

As you get older, family is important and we are no exception. I miss seeing him, hearing from my youngest grandson and hearing about and seeing my granddaughter Hannah .I obviously miss my daughter but must respect her choice.

I hope that one day, she does not regret shutting us out and making life so difficult for those around her. Life is short, I am beginning to realise that only too well. To have my children and grandchildren around me was all I ever wanted but she has made that impossible.

So I have edited this post from earlier in the year knowing that I am possibly the only person reading it, but need to put it down in this blog as my diary.

Thank you again for reading. x

Want to share my own contradiction. I have just completed a piece for a fellow author’s book on the importance of HONESTY and INTEGRITY, things that have always been very important to me. Just after I pressed ‘send’, I thought back to how these two values have affected me and find them wanting.

Years ago, I had a very good friend, someone whom I loved as a sister. She helped me through an awful time. Something happened, at another person’s hands that made me drop out of her circle and take myself out of her life. Not because she had done anything wrong, not because I had done anything wrong but I had no choice, keeping her safe from knowledge that would hurt her was something I had no choice in doing, I loved her and couldn’t and wouldn’t hurt her. I could have told her the truth but I couldn’t but I also couldn’t lie. So I left her life, with her thinking badly of me. This broke my heart but I thought I had no choice. I kept my integrity in tact but I lost a very good friend.

When I was a young woman, I had a son adopted, had no choice, no help and threats I would lose my daughter as well,l if I didn’t let my baby go. I had no one at that point who could help me. Things were different back them. Years later I found him again with the help of Social Services, who after reading my file, said the adoption should never have happened. My son should have stayed with me. I made a promise to his adoptive father, that I would not influence my son and try and be part of his life. That I would not try and be his Mum. I made this promise in order to be allowed to meet him again. Keeping that promise lost me any chance, at that time,of having him in my life. I had never broken promises to anyone and felt again, I had to agree

Two years ago today, I made a five hour round trip, to keep an appointment that was to give validation to my relationship with my eldest daughter.She had fostered a baby girl since her birth and decided that she would like to adopt her. I was over the moon about this and knew it was the right thing for her and the baby, my granddaughter.I worked tirelessly for her, helping with the paperwork, her life history, things the adoption society needed and everything adoption entailed, that my daughter did not know how to complete. On th ephone almost all day on some days, either talking things through or reassuring my daughter when she became stressed about the baby or the adoption process. Willingly. I did this only to find, that my use to her, had then been exhausted and she shut me out of her life. I had been interviewd by the Adoption social worker and that was the long journey I had made to meet with her.I then had to sign and agree the validation that I had made, the statement of our close relationship that had now been terminated by my daughter. I have never been told why she did this,except that she accused me of trying to stop the adoption. Both she and I know this to be untrue. I think she just didn’t want me to be the baby’s Nan, don’t understand why but I had done nothing to make this happen, so have to conclude I had served my purpose. Her dishonesty broke our relationship. My need for honesty, prevented me from signing a statement that was then untrue.How could I say we were close when she had blocked me on Social media and shut me out of her life. I didn’t sign and paid a heavy price.Not of my doing but of hers. I kept my integrity but lost her and most of her family, by staying honest.Because of this, even after doing everything to repair this relationship, her dishonesty had destroyed part of me.

Although I now have my son in my life I have missed many years because of a promise and my honesty. I have missed out on the best friend anyone could have because of my Integrity and lost family members who didn’t value my honesty.

My point is, although I have lived my whole life being honest and sticking to the truth no matter what. Has it paid for me to have done this? I don’t think it has.

Will I change? I don’t think so.

Honesty and integrity are the most important things in my life, after growing up in a web of lies. I have to accept the losses and hope one day these people may understand. Thanks for reading. x

At home we have a map of the world on our wall. I have very little grasp of where places are, so we invested in this wall art to help me understand where countries are. Never too old to learn. After watching last night’s news, I went to look at this map and identify where the places were, that are at war. It shook me that so much of the world is fighting, either within their own country or with neighbours. Killing each other and those innocents around them. Parts of the world are starving, others have famine, drought, flood and fire and yet they insist on fighting among themselves.No care or concern for their fellow man. Seemingly no remorse. When did the world become so cruel?. So uncaring? So hard?

I began to think about this and had the realisation, that although we are all of one family, the family of human beings, we cannot live together without fighting, killing and destroying each other. This brought me to wondering why and how, human beings can be so cruel. How they can destroy, kill and maim and all without a care it seems. No one accepts blame, no one backs down and no one ever pays for the harm and devastation they cause.

Whatever happened to love thy neighbour? Love your fellow man? Share, care and exist in harmony. We are all the same, all part of one family. The human race. We are one big family.Or should be. Watching the news, I doubt that now.This made me think about and question,family, my own and that of the world’s.

How is it that some people have parents, siblings and extended families who all get along. They don’t fall out, they don’t quarrel among themselves, not with any seriousness. How some families are so close and share in each other’s lives, cousins and aunts and uncles, all involved in their own siblings families. As it should be but sadly is not always this way.

My own childhood was not happy but we as a family, did have cousins, aunts and uncles and close relatives.I was the child my ‘mother’ could not love. Born of an affair when my ‘Dad’, her husband, was away fighting in the war. Not my fault but I paid the price and was her constant reminder, of having to end the affair, that resulted in my birth. In my life story I DID TELL I DID, you will read of the numerous unkind ways she punished me for being born.

My children, my daughters, had Nans and Grandads and an extended family. In the modern world, people separate divorce , move away with work etc. Sometimes the families continue their links, sometimes sadly they don’t. I understand that. I was a good Mum, the Mum I never had. Nothing like the woman who called herself my mother, no, a good Mum, as my children reminded me daily, with notes, cards, gifts and hugs. Always thanking me and telling me how proud they were of me. I was by no means perfect, who is but I did my very best to bring them up with love and kindness and as a family.They made me feel loved, wanted and I suppose needed. I loved them so much and gave them everything I could which was not always everything they wanted. I was for a long part of their childhood, a lone parent so money, even though I had 3 jobs at one time, was tight. We did so much together, especially when they had ponies and I loved every minute. As they grew, my eldest became a bit difficult. Life had been a bit chaotic, divorce, my dependency and poorly health but we were still very close and my love never wavered. I have boxes of keepsakes, notes, poems, gifts etc. given to me over the years by my daughters. Precious memories of a time I was proud of my little family. Carol and her girls, friends, used to refer to me as. As my eldest became interested in boys, as I have written here before, we differed on what we felt was ‘okay’ in respect of her having her boyfriend stay over. She was 15 at the time. From then on she became I suppose a ‘typical’ teenager arguing with her Mum. But she took it a step further and left home….for one night and returned when she realised that life was not better somewhere else. That happens in families, I know that but at the time it worried and hurt me and her little sister.

I brought both girls up to be honest, kind and caring and was that, to them and everyone I knew. Honesty was so important to me and if you know my story, you will know that I grew up in a web of lies and vowed my life would be open and honest and sadly, that is what I expected from those in my life. I have often been let down, especially by family.

Life continued and she really became a person I did not recognise. But throughout all of this, we remained a family, still did things together and , I thought, still loved each other through it all. I had to ‘allow’ her to become engaged at 16 or I felt I would lose her. I made a cake and arranged a ‘party at her boyfriend’s house and all was well, I thought.Then she moved out and they moved in together and made a home, complete with cat and dog. I was happy for them. We have to be don’t we, as a family, we have to be pleased and support them and both her sister and I did.

I didn’t have very much to do with my family except my brother and older sisters, we stayed in touch but the ‘family’ had little to do with me and my children because of how my Mother was. If she wasn’t ‘talking’ to me, then the others couldn’t, talk to me I mean. Unfair? Of course but that’s just how it was. Families fall out, don’t speak sometimes for years but ultimately they should be there for each other. I know that is not so.

As life went on I found myself further and further outside of the family I was born into and it hurt but I was used to it. One of the worst times of my life as a Mum, was a Friday when my eldest was 18. I had visited her on the Tuesday, as her cat was having kittens. I remember how excited we were and I said ‘the next time we celebrate will be when you and ….. get married.’ She smiled a wry smile and agreed. The Friday of the same week, she phoned and asked us to go down and of course we did. As we reached her door and she came to answer it, she bent down to smooth our little dog and I saw confetti in her hair. Little did I know what would come next. We went up to her flat, she and her boyfriend stood back and on the table, in her sitting room was a posy of flowers and their marriage lines. I thought I was going to faint. I was shocked, hurt, angry and so so confused. I admit to losing it, crying and asking why, why? Her now husband, a lad I loved like a son, asked me to leave. We left. If you are a Mum especially the Mum of a daughter, you will understand this pain, this hurt. There was no reason for her to do this, no reason at all, but she did.This is how families hurt us.

That was the worst thing she had done to that time, I should have realised then that if she could hurt me in that way, anything was possible for her to do.

Of course, in time I forgave her, never forgot but forgave her. Was there to bale her out as I have been for both of them, many times and willingly. That is what families do isn’t it. Help when needed. Love no matter what. Forgive as many times as needed. But why?

We never do things for our children, our families, to be rewarded. We don’t care, so that they will care for us. We don’t love so that they will love us. We care, love, please and forgive because that is what good human beings do. But that doesn’t make what is done, okay. It doesn’t make it alright. It doesn’t take away the pain and hurt. No. That stays in a secret little part of your heart and is trodden on every time they hurt us again. Making the pain come back. Causing heartache once again.

I could go on and on about the hurt, the lies she has inflicted on me and my family, the damage she has done but I have told you some of that and this blog is about family and I don’t want to repeat myself.

But. It never means any of this is okay. Always remember that. Family should never hurt family. Should be an unwritten law. Or even a written law!

So when did it become ‘okay’ to hurt your own family? When did it become alright to disrespect those who love you? Hurt those who have given you nothing but love? When did that happen? Oh I know only too well that is has and did but I don’t know how or when it began to be acceptable to hurt. If we can do this to those who love us, to those who have given us life, given us everything they possibly could, how easy it is to hurt those we don’t know.

There lies a tale.

When you next watch to the news, hear about Ukraine, the Far East, anywhere that is at war. Anywhere where people are killing each other, people they don’t know and have no grievance against. When you read about how wicked one human being is to another. When you watch people dying because of greed of their leaders. When the news reader says, ‘some scenes might upset you’. Look to your own behaviour. Look to how you treat other people. Especially your own family and if you have hurt them, take a minute to think of why. Think of how you can put this right.

We need to begin at home. We need to show love to our children, our siblings, their children. To our extended family. If you have not heard from them for a while, reach out. Show kindness and love.

I love my children, all of them. My son did not grow up with me but that doesn’t change my love for him. My eldest has hurt me, lied about me, badmouthed me, written stories about me and my ‘mental health’ that if not so hurtful, would be funny. But I still love her. Always will. I just don’t like her and am not prepared to let her cause many more harm.

The reason for this blog is because of what I see every day in the news. As a race, we need to show kindness at every opportunity. We need to show love for our fellow man. We need to be a family . A family who is willing to share, to care and to be there for each other. We need to stop killing, stop hurting, stop causing others pain. And all of this begins at home. Begins in our own family. If we can’t do that as families, what chance has the world to survive?

We have to change and that begins at home.

Thank you for reading x

This blog is personal, it is mine, for me to process things that are happening or have happened in my life.I currently find hand writing very hard so I type instead.I let go of stress, my feelings that are affecting my everyday existence. Writing it all down as I have always encouraged clients to do, helps me make sense of it. So here I am, again, trying to make sense of it.

As I was getting ready for the day, this morning, I decided to do some clearing out,something we should all do more of I am sure.Anything worth salvaging that would help someone else, I put aside for the charity shop. If I can re-purpose anything then I do but anything else I have no choice but to recycle or throw out. Whilst doing this I began to think of how things have changed, how different our lives ore now than they were when I was a child.

Back them we didn’t seem to throw anything away unless it was broken beyond repair and most things were repairable.In my family when my children were small, again we threw little out. Money was always tight, even though there was a time I had 3 jobs just to pay the mortgage.I kept clothes from my eldest daughter if they were suitable for my youngest but with 5 years between them it was often better to hand them on to friends for their children. My girls were always encouraged to make things last, to mend things that broke if it was possible. I cut down curtains rather than buy new, took up hems if clothes were too long. Repaired anything that had broken if it was repairable. We did not throw much out. Make do and mend was a saying I had heard as a little girl and one I often used with my family. Why throw something out if it can be made good or altered to suit?

Growing up buying a replacement was often far too expensive and our Dad’s seemed to have the skills to repair anything back then. Anything new was seen as an extravagance and most times unnecessary.So we kept hold of things just in case ‘they came in useful’when needing to make these reapairs.

I am not sure when things changed, when people began thinking, that if something broke, they just threw it out and bought new.When the attitudes changed and people didn’t seem bothered about the waste, about throwing something away instead of making it good or changing it’s use but it has and in my opinion this is not for the good.

What impression does this give to the young? What kind of attitude does it encourage in them? ‘Oh it’s broken so I will throw it away and get a new one’. When did people stop thinking, ‘Oh I can mend that’?

There is so much waste in the world and so many people who would benefit from a great deal of ‘stuff’ that others bin!

This past week I took some medication back to the GP. I had not opened the packet, it was still in the paper bag that it was given to me in, by the pharmacist. I told the receptionist that it was unused and unopened and it shocked me to be told that it will only be destroyed!! How can that be right? People all over the world need medications, the NHS is in dire straits and these brand new, unused meds. were to be destroyed! I questioned this and asked if I could find someway of having the recycled ,only to be told no, they would be destroyed!There is no way this can be right.

When I worked for the Health service I remember the office staff were to have new computers, new desks etc. No one wanted them, new ones I mean, as you get used to using your own equipment don’t you but they were to have new. A few weeks later the old ones were taken out and left in the hallway and I asked what would happen to them. I wondered if they could be given to charities , the computer drives changed and then the desks and computers moved on. What was I told? No. They would all be destroyed. I had hoped that as this was awhile ago and the country being in a less affluent place today, things may have changed but I fear I was wrong in thinking that.

The world’s resources are dwindling and we need to go back to repairing and altering so that we have a lot less waste, not only because of the expense but also because we are running out of places to ‘dump’ the ‘rubbish’ that we call waste.

Repair.

Alter.

Re purpose

Recycle.

Then maybe we can help save the planet, save the craft of repairing and altering etc for future generations.And certainly save money.

We need to teach our children this. Teach them that sometimes working at things by making them good, yes may take time and effort but is always better in the end and will save resources and cost.

Which leads me on to this.

The saddest thing about all of this, is that people are doing the same to relationships. How often do you hear of relationships breaking down because one of the pair have upset the other. In my work I would always encourage both parties to come and see me, to hear both sides. You would think that each of the people in the marriage, relationship would understand where the other one was coming from. Believe me they often don’t. Why? Because of a lack of communication. If they row, they don’t try and make it right. They don’t talk to each other about what has gone wrong. No, they end the relationship unless they seek help in putting the wrong right.

How often have family members fallen out because they have upset someone and have never actually discussed the whys and where-fores? Maybe hurt someone and never said sorry?Too often.

We seem to have let the ‘throw away society’ spread over into people and our relationships and that is never good.

Always discuss what went wrong. In this digital age it is so easy to block people out, just press a button and that is the end of that! No thought and most times no going back. Please think before you do this to anyone, you can lose good friendships this way and sometimes your family.Again, this cannot be right.

There that feels better.

Have great Bank Holiday and thank you for reading. x

Over the past 12 years I have shared the joy of living with my husband and daughter, ponies, dogs and cats, in beautiful Ceredigion. Shared photos of ‘the farm’, our gardens, the ponies and dogs. People have commented kindly and enjoyed my ‘story’ and shared my joy.

Last year, I shared how hard it was to leave our wonderful home.How it was something we never thought we would ever do but having lost our last beloved ponies, our beloved little dogs and cats and life with our youngest daughter becoming so different from the closeness we had shared, there was nothing left for us. So much loss in a few years.The house was too big and the land was empty, we thought we were too old to take on more animals and so put the house on the market.

This time last year we were having viewings and sold our beautiful home. We had thought of living close by but we were persuaded, against David’s better judgement, to ‘go home’. Back to Hampshire and our eldest daughter Lisa,and grandchildren.Having suffered so many losses I believed being close to family would be right for all of us but we missed Wales, the air, the peace and quiet and everything about the country that had been our home for 25 years. Most of the time David and I had been married.But we were determined to make this work.We had lost so much, it was time to rebuild and enjoy family life, so different from what we had had for 25 years but we wanted to see it come good, after all the losses we had endured. A time for happy.

Our daughter , helped us find properties that were within a short trip to her home and we tried hard to make it work.But things happened,people who had been in her life a few years back when she and her ‘Aunt’, had tried hard to destroy me, lost me my literary contract and badmouthed me , lied about me to anyone who would listen,all over Social media, began asking me about the years I was out of her life, why I didn’t see her, why I wasn’t part of my granddaughter’s life. Because of that, I had asked my daughter if she had believed all the lies she had been told and that she had told others and if she was sorry. She replied telling me that she only repeated what was said at the time and none of that was a lie. I was horrified and then she blocked me on Social Media and email. No trying to talk about things just shut me out. Cut me off from her and her family.I sent Christmas gifts but had no acknowledgement.

From this I realised that the life I was trying to make with her and my family could never happen, you can’t build anything without trust. She was not willing to talk and try and sort things out, so that was that!Sadly, this is always her answer if she doesn’t like what is being said. Close the conversation and block the other party. This will sadly be her downfall in life. Very sad but shows how little she thought of us.

David and I became ill with some kind of virus, I was still having tests for the Steal syndrome and we were both low. I had never seen David so down, not even when he had cancer. He was my rock, he was the pragmatic one, the upbeat when I was downhearted. But now we both became depressed and I cried myself to sleep every night. I had tried so hard to push thoughts of our last home and our daughter Marie, out of my mind since we moved but had never been able to . David and I talked about this and accepted that last year,we thought we were running towards a different life but I had actually been running away. It doesn’t work. The pain and loss of the past few years could never be ‘made right’ no matter what we did, where we went. We missed our youngest daughter, she had been part of our lives for more than 40 years. The 3 of us had shared so much , joy, happiness, sadness as every family does. Our life as a threesome was wonderful and special and both of us are truly grateful to have shared this time together. I didn’t even recognise who my eldest had become. I thought we would be bringing something into her life and that of my grandchildren, but it seems to her, we were not important. The only good thing since we came here was seeing my eldest grandson and will keep this relationship going.

What we didn’t accept or acknowledge before, to each other, was that we missed our old home, missed Wales, Although we were originally from England and thought we were coming home, we weren’t. We don’t like Hampshire as it has become and miss everything about living in Wales.We had left Wales,for all the wrong reasons. But I should have known better, I should have known that the pain and feelings of loss,would come with me. What I hadn’t factored in was that I was running away and David was running to something we thought was right. Sadly we found it wasn’t. I also had not realised that my wonderful David was as unhappy as I was and actually never wanted to come here, when I had thought he did. All he wanted, he said, was for me to be happy, then he would be happy. He thought in all our pain and loss, we were running towards a better life but he said, he was worried as he never trusted our eldest after everything she did in those awful 6 years, to hurt me and my career. Somehow, in my pain and loss, I had missed this. I feel ashamed for that and now we need to put that right.

Christmas came and went, the saddest we had ever known. I laid up the Christmas table, we had the tree and decorations up but it was not the same.Talked a lot about Christmas’s past, with Marie and then with Marie and her husband Jason and wished we had that now. Then sitting opposite each other, after trying to enjoy our Christmas meal, we sat in silence. Broke my heart.

Time doesn’t always heal, it sometimes accentuates pain.

So after this, we sat and talked, cried together and made up our minds that what we wanted, was to return to Wales.Immediately we both felt better. Our spirits were lifted. I am still having investigations health wise and hope they are ‘resolved’ soon.But our future is looking so much better since this decision was made. Yes we are too old to take on ponies etc but not to old to start over in a place we both love so much. The beauty, peace, sea air etc that Wales will give us is just what we need. Maybe get another dog or two, who knows. Being back in the place our youngest daughter lives, whatever happens, means we are close enough if she ever needs us.

So here we are, one year on and the house has been valued, photos to be taken Friday and back on the market. We are going home!

Can’t wait.

Thank you for reading. x