Author: carolannwright

I am a Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist and author. I live on a beautiful smallholding near the Welsh coast with my husband, daughter and ponies, dogs, cats and ducks. An wonderful peaceful place to live. I have a Masters in Counselling CBT and run my own private practice where I see a diverse group of clients.

Honesty… a good thing right?

Want to share my own contradiction. I have just completed a piece for a fellow author’s book on the importance of HONESTY and INTEGRITY, things that have always been very important to me. Just after I pressed ‘send’, I thought back to how these two values have affected me and find them wanting.

Years ago, I had a very good friend, someone whom I loved as a sister. She helped me through an awful time. Something happened, at another person’s hands that made me drop out of her circle and take myself out of her life. Not because she had done anything wrong, not because I had done anything wrong but I had no choice, keeping her safe from knowledge that would hurt her was something I had no choice in doing, I loved her and couldn’t and wouldn’t hurt her. I could have told her the truth but I couldn’t but I also couldn’t lie. So I left her life, with her thinking badly of me. This broke my heart but I thought I had no choice. I kept my integrity in tact but I lost a very good friend.

When I was a young woman, I had a son adopted, had no choice, no help and threats I would lose my daughter as well,l if I didn’t let my baby go. I had no one at that point who could help me. Things were different back them. Years later I found him again with the help of Social Services, who after reading my file, said the adoption should never have happened. My son should have stayed with me. I made a promise to his adoptive father, that I would not influence my son and try and be part of his life. That I would not try and be his Mum. I made this promise in order to be allowed to meet him again. Keeping that promise lost me any chance, at that time,of having him in my life. I had never broken promises to anyone and felt again, I had to agree

Two years ago today, I made a five hour round trip, to keep an appointment that was to give validation to my relationship with my eldest daughter.She had fostered a baby girl since her birth and decided that she would like to adopt her. I was over the moon about this and knew it was the right thing for her and the baby, my granddaughter.I worked tirelessly for her, helping with the paperwork, her life history, things the adoption society needed and everything adoption entailed, that my daughter did not know how to complete. On th ephone almost all day on some days, either talking things through or reassuring my daughter when she became stressed about the baby or the adoption process. Willingly. I did this only to find, that my use to her, had then been exhausted and she shut me out of her life. I had been interviewd by the Adoption social worker and that was the long journey I had made to meet with her.I then had to sign and agree the validation that I had made, the statement of our close relationship that had now been terminated by my daughter. I have never been told why she did this,except that she accused me of trying to stop the adoption. Both she and I know this to be untrue. I think she just didn’t want me to be the baby’s Nan, don’t understand why but I had done nothing to make this happen, so have to conclude I had served my purpose. Her dishonesty broke our relationship. My need for honesty, prevented me from signing a statement that was then untrue.How could I say we were close when she had blocked me on Social media and shut me out of her life. I didn’t sign and paid a heavy price.Not of my doing but of hers. I kept my integrity but lost her and most of her family, by staying honest.Because of this, even after doing everything to repair this relationship, her dishonesty had destroyed part of me.

Although I now have my son in my life I have missed many years because of a promise and my honesty. I have missed out on the best friend anyone could have because of my Integrity and lost family members who didn’t value my honesty.

My point is, although I have lived my whole life being honest and sticking to the truth no matter what. Has it paid for me to have done this? I don’t think it has.

Will I change? I don’t think so.

Honesty and integrity are the most important things in my life, after growing up in a web of lies. I have to accept the losses and hope one day these people may understand. Thanks for reading. x

Never Leave things Unsaid, especially if they have affected your life.

Public

This past week has shown me that talking, especially about the ‘stuff’ we don’t want to talk about, is so important and so fulfilling. Last week I was able to meet up and talk to a great friend, someone who played a very big part in my life for many years. Someone I had lost touch with. It was scary, then exciting and afterwards, informative and uplifting. But I was not able to talk about the reason we had become distant, lost touch. That leaves me sad but I will accept that it is a very rare occasion for me and one, where not talking about things, is the right thing to do to protect someone you love. x

We sometimes think it best, to pretend things didn’t happen, avoid the subjects that caused us pain but I have never been one to do that. Talking things through can avoid the pain for people, of not knowing ‘why’. Not knowing if they had done something that had caused the hurt and take away the worry that they may repeat whatever that was.

I have been able , in the past few days, to face some past hurts and heartbreaks and try and make sense, of how I found myself in a particular position, with someone so very dear to me. No, maybe I didn’t get answers, maybe I still don’t understand, but at least now, I understand, that the other person accepts their part in what happened as do I,no blame apportioned and that reassured me, that nothing like that will happen again. The important thing is that we talked about everything, all our own upsets, our own issues caused and each other’s regrets and love. I hope, if necessary, the opportunity to continue talking about these times, will surface again.Talking things through, especially if either of you feel you may have hurt the other, is the least you can do for someone you care about. The decent thing to do, the respectful thing. Pretending or refusing to face what happened can only cause more hurt, more pain.

So all in all, this past week has been a good one in certain ways.

Sadly, too many times in life, we fall out with relatives, friends and never really understand why. Life is very short, if we upset someone we should always try and make things right. Never leave a relationship, friendship, anything, without explaining why you are going. Why things haven’t worked out. Question, if you don’t know why, ask what you have done wrong if anything. Try and make the person involved feel either validated or at least understood.

If you have a disagreement, try and make it right, try and at least leave on a good note. Don’t just close the person out as though nothing had happened and then disappear from their lives. That is cruel, disrespectful and so wrong.You never know, it might be the last time you have the chance to do this.

As some of you know, I had a very volatile relationship with my eldest daughter, on and off over the years, since she became a teenager, we have fallen out many times. As a little girl we were very close but as she grew she changed.She would never stop and answer questions, if she didn’t like them, would never try and make things right, try and talk things through. Would always just shout nasty things, then block me and shut me out, leaving me no way of explaining or finding out what she had been upset about, or talking about what she had done to upset and hurt me. Running away was something she always chose over talking about things. Trying to make it right. This makes me sad. So many times things could have been sorted but people like her will not face up to having done anything that was not right, to anyone else.Sadly she has done this over and over, to friends and partners for many years. How are things going to be put right if people always behave in this way.

If we hurt someone, I like to think in my case, it was never intentional but it happens, the least we can do is talk. Try and see things from the other person’s perspective. Try and explain.Try and put it right.

I have lost 2 close friends and a close relative in the past few weeks, all died younger than me. So to me, making up, putting things right, rebuilding the broken relationships in my life is important, before it’s too late.

Think on everyone, if things are not right, talk. If you have upset someone, Talk. If they have upset you…..TALK! Together, make sense of things, make the situation better for everyone concerned. No one ever died from talking things through. But often they have, by running away.

Thank you for reading. x

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Social media takes the emotion out of ‘Social’

t’s been a very difficult time these past few days, not unusual for us it seems but it has brought something to the forefront of my mind that I have thought many times before today.

For those of you who know me, you may remember that a few years ago, I suffered very much from family bullying and unkindness, on here and on my author page. Lies are easy to write on Facebook and other social media, no one can see the face of the writer or know the truth of what is being said. But we can be very hurt by the comments and also by what friends of the perpetrator say .

This morning, after another sleepless painful night, I wanted to say a few things about the pros and cons of Facebook. Please read if interested, if not please scroll by.

I have enjoyed this platform. It has kept me sane in times of stress and hurt. It has made me laugh, kept me in touch with family and friends and given me so many friends I might never meet. Messenger has enabled me to actually see people I can no longer ‘see’ because of distance. Invaluable.

I love sharing funny articles, watching my ‘family’ grow, admittingly from a distance and see those I care about, enjoying life, in pictures and posts. So all in all a good thing. Yes?

But there is another side to it. A side where people can judge you, judge others. Where people can spread stories about you that are not factual, not true. Once said, the words cannot be unsaid.Where friends can read ‘your opinion’ taken out of context and unfriend you.

Facebook should be a ‘plus’, not an instead of. It should not replace phone-calls, letters, etc. It should not be relied upon and trusted to do what you believe it will do.

Post should not be taken out of context. Taken at face value, shared as facts. Sometimes the post is just another person’s opinion, not actually the truth.

Relying on Social media, is just not the thing to do because it can let you down. It is not infallible. Yes, you can check out the facts or believe what you read but I think unless you hear it with your own ears or see it with your own eyes, it might just be someone else’s slant on what happened or what was said.Just because It is written on Facebook. DOES NOT ALWAYS MEAN IT IS TRUE!

Years ago, in a much more caring world, where people took trouble to visit, talk on the telephone, write to others: we had the information needed to make decisions, either in front of us or heard. Yes may sound old fashioned but in my opinion, so much better, so much more caring.Yes Facebook. may be faster in this oh so manic world but not as emotive or sensitive.

Facts:

Facebook loses things. Facebook deletes things. Facebook often doesn’t share to our targeted audience. I know this to my detriment. Social media does not bear the brunt of it’s mistakes.

We do.

How many of you have commented on things you know nothing about? How many of you have ‘missed’ things that friends or family say they shared with you? How many of you have been the victims of nasty comments or statements on Social media with no means of redress?! Or been victims of Facebook mistakes?

What I am saying is. Please if you can, make sure what you say is true. Make sure your posts are shared to everyone on your friend list or made public so that everyone who needs to see them, does see them. If really important, please privately message those the posts are meant for,takes seconds, that way they will get them. This will save a great deal of heartache and hurt.

Lecture over. Have good Sunday.

May be an image of one or more people and text that says 'The more social media we have, the more we think we're connecting, yet we are really disconnecting from each other. JR quotefancy'

A Reminder That It’s Okay To Cry.

Those who know me, know that I don’t cry tears easily or often. I feel like it many many times, but crying is hard for me. Makes me feel vulnerable, guilty, weak. A legacy I suppose from being told over and over, as a child and young woman, that crying is, wrong, pathetic and means you are ‘stupid’, words of my ‘mother’ if I dared show tears. So, no I don’t cry.I need to often, have needed to so much in the past years, and I know I should, because the work I have done for over 20 years, has shown me,how holding onto tears, holding on to anger, grief etc. can cause all kinds of problems both emotionally, psychologically and physically. So cry I should.

Having said all of this, a few years ago I was hurting so much that my poor David held me over and over while I sobbed and sobbed. He was so concerned as crying was something he had never witnessed in me.Life at that time was so painful, so hard and the tears never stopped. On returning to Hampshire I ‘went there again’ and would sob myself to sleep. Before David came to bed. In secret. That is no way to let the tears out. No one to hold me no one to comfort me but my choice. Letting my guard down made me go back to never shedding tears, never crying, something I had always been ‘good’ at.

Yesterday, I was so close to tears that the person in the room with me, tried hard to allow me, encourage me to let go. To let the tears flow but I was afraid that if I did I would never stop.So Carol Ann the ‘strong’ rushed in to save the day and changed the subject.

But today, talking to my youngest daughter I was made to realise that tears are okay. That needing someone to talk to is okay. So from today, when I feel the tears coming, I will try my very best to let them go. It will be hard but if I try really hard and talk to myself the way I spoke to many clients, maybe, just maybe, I will cry.

Many will remember how much I loved our old home, how leaving was so very hard for both of us.I miss everything about living in Wales, living on our ‘farm’. The three of us, then becoming 4.The ponies, ducks, geese. The land and the huge open skies. The fresh air and the silence. Oh how I miss the silence.

You may have read earlier blogs and know the reason why we left but if you haven’t, there were so many reasons, some I can put on here and some I won’t.

The house was too big for 2 of us and after losing our last ponies and our dogs, we didn’t need the land. We could have stayed and had someone in to tend everything but that would have upset David, I know, so we sold up. On encouragement from our eldest daughter we came back to Hampshire, where we are both from, to be close to family, grandchildren etc. But that didn’t work out, courtesy of the lies, promises and dishonesty of my daughter, leaving us once again, on our own.

Oh how I needed to cry then. The hurt, the betrayal, the loss but I didn’t. I held onto all of it. I was already consumed with unresolved grief from people and animals, our way of life, the familiarity of Wales and thought if I let go and cried, the oceans of tears would overcome me and I would be lost. So I held on and became angry. Anger being Sad’s bodyguard.

My heart has been broken so many times over the years, by people I would never have believed would or could hurt me. I have lost a beloved brother, 2 close friends and more animals than I have room to mention here.

The first months of being here I was rendered unwell and now suffer from FND and Post Viral Fatigue, both of which have knocked the stuffing out of me. All the pain and hurt left me feeling a shell of the person I was. Lost and empty.I was so close to a complete mental breakdown and only just held on with the help, love and support of David.

I need to cry for the woman I was. Carol Ann . Her capabilities, both physically and mentally because I can’t find her anywhere.

Moving from everything we loved and knew took away my safety, my familiarity, my future. Everything I treasured and needed. So today, I need to cry for me.

But most of all, I find myself becoming tearful everytime I watch the News. the wars, the famine, fires and floods, earthquakes etc. etc. Man’s inhumanity to man. The cruelty inflicted on innocent animals. I could go on. I don’t watch the late news anymore because it stops me sleeping.

I see animals so badly treated that it doesn’t bear thinking about. I see animals thrown out for no reason at all and Rescue centres literally picking up the pieces and it makes me ashamed to be human. We are supposedly the superior race. That’s a joke!

So firstly I will begin with crying for my losses and trying hard to move forward. Not forgetting because I can’t do that. Forgiving? Not even sure about that . But move forward I must.

But I will begin with letting the tears flow for humanity. For this wonderful world we seem intent on destroying. Tears for my children’s children and worry about the kind of world they will inherit.

I have always said, to friends, family, my children, that crying is healing. Somewhere down the very long rough line, I have forgotten how to do this. But learn I must. To save myself from even more illness brought on by unresolved grief.

Watch this space!

Thank you for reading. x

The Meaning of A Word…..Unconditional.

Well here I am again, writing to save my sanity I suppose. Sometimes things go round and around in my head and I find it hard to stop them. At the most inopportune moment, in they come, shoving anything and everything else out of my tired and weary head. Bulldozing thoughts I might have been enjoying, liking. Pushing them out like they were nothing , into the sidelines, sometimes never to surface again. Unwanted, not needed, destructive thoughts that my poor mind just wants to stop. To make them go away and never darken my door again. But back they come over and over.

Intrusive thoughts are never invited, sometimes nothing could have been further from my mind,than the subject of these reminders,of how life had been. Reminding me of a life where the subject of these thoughts meant everything to me. Someone or something that was once my world and for whom I would have moved Heaven and Earth for. But things change, people change and this can be hurtful, confusing, sad.

Intrusive thoughts affect all of us. Overtime you may begin to get used to things, may not give any time to these thoughts, although many would say you must. They might tell you, that you are wrong to try and push memories of how life once was, out of your mind, your world forever. But our minds are not like that. Our memory is not selective, or not for most of us. Whether we want someone to creep into our heads or not , is not our choice. Especially if they are someone we have loved beyond love for most of their lives. No, we have no choice. Why? Because as parents we have that wonderful ability to unconditionally love our children. To give them unconditional love willingly. We don’t make it happen, it is just there, from the minute you know you are having a baby, the love is there and you just know you would die for them.

Sometimes, I think, we can feel, this unconditional love, come back to us, see it in a smile, feel it in hug. Just know it is there. Something a Mum and child should always have between them. An unfathomable feeling of love, no matter what happens in the child’s life or that of the parent. Especially, the Mum.

In my childhood I didn’t have that but made sure my children always knew I loved them. Give them what I never had, willingly and for my first child that was so easy. She was a perfect baby, a beautiful little girl, who without knowing, helped me through some hard times. Always made easier. As she grew, she changed, as an adult, she taught me to accept that unconditional love does not always go both ways.

Another thing I have been pondering recently, is how children grow up aso very different from their siblings. I brought both my girls up the same. I wanted them to be honest, caring, family orientated and kind. The most important of all those qualities is honesty. Very important to me for reasons I have given before.I find being lied to, insulting and so wrong. Being lied about is unforgivable. My eldest has been doing this for many many years. That is where unconditional love comes in. I forgave her. Every time she trampled over my feelings, caused trouble for me and my family here, stole from me when she lied to others and made me ill.Each and everytime, I forgave her. You do don’t you? That is what we all do when we love without condition. But I now believe that to be wrong.To be detrimental and grossly unfair. On so many counts.

The one thing we all have a right to, possible the only thing we have a right to, is the love of our mother. I didn’t have that but made very sure I gave that to my daughters. Forgiveness I believed was part of that. Forgiving a child when they hurt you. But not anymore. If a child , as an adult, treats you in such a way that you are hurt. Takes from you without a thought for the consequences. Tramples over your feelings and besmirches your name with their lies, why should you just let that go!?Why and how should you forgive? Where does it say you have to do this??

Does the definition of ‘unconditional love’ mean you allow them to treat you anyway they wish? Does it mean you just let anything nasty they do to you, any untrue stories they spread, any turning others against you, you just let it all go? Does it mean you must allow your children to treat you, in a way that you would never allow any one else to get away with and do nothing? Does it mean they can influence others with their lies and you have to just accept that? If it does, if all of the above, should be tolerated by us when done by our; children after we give them a lifetime of love, then please count me out!

Maybe to some, that makes me an uncaring mother,a mother who is not how mothers should be. An unfair Mother. Maybe to some, it means I don’t love unconditionally when I should. Maybe some of you reading this, feel shame about my saying this, about my own child. But think on. If someone does something you dislike, something that hurts you, something that causes you trouble. Something that if anyone else had done it, you would see it as criminal. If they ‘take you in with lies’ and spread lies about you to take others in. Is that right?.If they make sure they get something out of you then ‘dump you when they don’t want to answer your question about lies they have spread, so shut you out of their life.Is that okay? If someone you know, maybe a ‘friend’. An Aquaintence. A work colleague or a boss, behaved in this way would you just shrug and allow it? I am sure you wouldn’t.

I realise now at my great age, that loyalty is not a passage of right. But I also don’t believe it can be earned. I know families where family loyalty is so strong that people put up with the worst of treatments because of loyalty for family. I know of Mums who do the same. Put up with treatment they wouldn’t take from anyone else, but take it from their children. This can’t be right.

I now know it isn’t right and have taken this stand to hopefully tell other Mums’ that it’s actually okay. Okay to be angry with your kids when they do you wrong. That’s it’s okay to tell them off for treating you badly. That’ you don’t have to put up with bad treatment that you would not tolerate from any other person in your life, that you do, from your kids. It’s okay to let them leave your life, if the only way you can keep them is to allow the painful hurtful treatment that they dish out to you. It’s okay. If that makes me a bad Mum, so be-it. But it’s not my definiton of a bad Mum.

It’s okay to have love, that is conditional in some relationships. Really, it’s okay

Life is too short. I have spent far too much of mine, allowing the treatment of me,by someone because she is my ‘child’. No more. It stops now. It stops today! To allow the lies to keep coming, the stories being told to her ‘friends’ and some family, so far I have done nothing. No more!

Well there it is.A Mum sharing her true feelings, about time.

What is about Mothers, why do we just take behaviour from our kids that we would never take from any other human being?? Why do we take from family, what we would never tolerate from others? Please, if you are a Mum , if your child is still young, teach them to be loving , kind, caring and teach them that this begins at home. Teach them that sometimes their Mum will say No to them, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love them and that’s okay. That their Mum should be treated with respect, honesty and love. Don’t teach them that she can behave in a way they dislike without reason. Question it and that’s okay. Teach them that their Mum is doing her best and that she has feelings that they can easilly hurt. And that’s NOT okay. Most of all, teach them, that most unconditional love, actually does have conditions. And that’s okay also.

I have tried very hard to be accepting, accepting bad behaviour from family, without feeling guilty. Up intil today, saying any of what I have written here would make me feel horrendous guilt. But no more. Do others, who dish out dishonesty, lies about me, persuade others to think badly of me, feel guilty ? Of course they don’t or they wouldn’t keep doing it. So, no, not any more. If asked about the ‘whys’ etc. if asked about the truth, I will tell it warts’n all with no guilt whatsoever. Why should anyone feel guilty about telling it as it was or is. So, no. Not guilty at all.

Thankyou for reading. x

carolannwright

Always the truth

carolannwright

Always the truth

carolannwright

Always the truth

carolannwright

Always the truth

carolannwright

Always the truth

Taking My Own Advice….. and it’s about time.

WITHOUT INTERVENTION…..LIES WILL LAST FOREVER. 

Life for me is still very hard. I have become withdrawn, anxious and depressed. The past few years have caught up with me and I am now under 2 medics and on medications. None of this for sympathy, I really don’t want that, they are just to paint a picture of where I find myself today. You would have thought that being a Psychotherapist for over 20 years, I could have stopped this from happening. No, physician heal thyself has never worked. I am writing this for me. For the Carol Ann I was and hope to be again. I always encouraged clients to write down how they feel and read what they have written, back to themselves and if possible, to those they feel have helped put them where they find themselves, emotionally. Well I can do the first of these but not the second but I do know I have friends on here who may read this and so that will cover the 2nd part of this advice. So here I am,writing it all down in the hope I can move on from how I feel at this moment in time. 

Over the past few years, as with most of us who read the news, watch TV or listen to the radio, I have listened to the stories about the Royal family, lies that have been proven to be lies. Stories that should have stayed within the family. The badmouthing from family members about other family members, with shock and sometimes anger. But because of my own experience, not disbelieving some people’s behaviour. It seems that being ‘family’ allows you to behave in any cruel manner you choose, for some people .During this time, those to whom the lies and falsehoods have been attributed, have remained mostly silent. Trying hard to keep the dignity of the family by saying very little. Then the book, The SPARE came out and things were written that shocked and hurt the Royals, in a way only family can hurt you. Things that should never have been made public, never have been reported and in most of these cases, never shared with anyone other than those concerned. I don’t read everything, in fact I have stopped reading about the many things that have been said as truths, because they have been proven to be lies. Hopefully, one day, the real truth will come out but until then I believe the Royal family will remain silent and hope we can all see through the lies.  

But my reason for talking about this today, is that to remain silent when injustices have been and are being done, is so very difficult ,especially when it intrudes on your very life, no matter how hard you try to dismiss these things and I am sure the Windsors sometimes struggle with this. 

No one wants people to lie to them and more importantly, lie to others about them. I am no different.  

I do not for one minute liken my experiences to those of the Royals but I do know how hard keeping your dignity and allowing others to spread lies about you, without retaliating, can be. I thankfully am not famous and so the lies are not spread on all kinds of media because no one would know who I was, but having lies spread on social media and to ‘friends’ who then tell anyone else who knows me and the perpetrator, is unforgivable. Not being  able to tell the truth is so very hard. Trying to stay silent and say nothing has now made me ill and I have to try and put a stop to this. I have now had enough. It’s time for me to tell my side. So here I am. 

For those of you who have followed my blog, you will remember that a few years ago I went through a horrid time, that saw my literary contract terminated and some family members alienated from me, after being told lies by my eldest daughter and youngest sister. The lies, if they had not been so hurtful, cruel and nasty, would have been funny. But they were not funny and are still not funny.I lost a huge amount, temporarily lost family and friends but have since put this right but can do nothing about my writing career as Cassie Harte so will now write under my own name, Carol Ann Wright. Back then, they had broken my terms of contract ,by identifying themselves and therefore identifying me, on social media and then told my publisher that I had named them. I was going to take this further, but you don’t do you, not when it’s family. Big mistake.I have made my peace with the things done back then, tried to make right the relationship with my eldest daughter, as those who have read my blogs, know. We moved back to Hampshire to be closer to her and my grandchildren and I tried to put this behind me…. but others would not allow me to do this. Close friends told me not to, reminding me of an analogy I used often with them and clients, if you find yourself in a burning house and get hurt but get out ,and it is still burning, would you go back in?? Of course you wouldn’t but I did. 3 or 4 or more times I had been betrayed by my daughter and yet I still gave her another chance. 

Since living here and being so let down and hurt again, I have had occasion to meet up with or chat to people we both know, people who had been told the nasty lies she had spread before, which put me in a very awkward position . The worst of these lies was to tell people that I had tried to stop her adopting my grand daughter back in 2013. Thisis a complete lie. I supported the adoption from beginning to the end. I drove for 2 and ahalf hours, each way to meet with the social worker and spent 2 hours making a supportive statement to her and I thought tall was okay. I have never said she was unfit to adopt. Why would I? I was so looking forward to this little girl joining our family. While I was waiting for the staement to come back for me to sign a few days later, She made accusations that wewre untrue, blocked me form all social medai and so the nasties began. How could I sign a staement saying I was her ‘pivvatol support’ when I couldn’t even contact her becaus eof her blocvking me? I stilll have all th epaperwork to do with the adoption an dlost years of my granddaughter’s life. Com8ing back to Hampshire was supposed to be the beginning of a lovely relationship but she was still spreading these nasty lies and would not say sorry for everything she had done. I couldn’t talk about people like my brother Tony, because she ‘didn’t like it’, my son Jonathan or Tony’s family. Conversation became awkward with me walking on eggshells.This all contributed to my asking her if she was sorry for the lies and she told me she wasn’t and shut us out of her life. She again blocked me. She said that nothing she had said was a lie and she wasn’t sorry. Then blocked me in every way she could so that I could not contact her. No discussion, no apology, just shut me out.. Again. This is her usual way of ‘dealing’ with something she has caused.This was the ultimate hurt and betrayal because I stupidly believed she knew the truth and was sorry for the pain she had caused me. Her Mum .I thought that was why she wanted us to move down close to her. 

Now that was bad, yes it hurt but the lies hurt more. Now she has influenced my eldest grandson and he has stopped contact with me and David and we are devastated. I am not sure what he has been told, what lies she has told him but to influence another person with lies is unforgivable in my book. 

Would I have taken any of this from someone I knew, a friend for instance? No of course I wouldn’t. Would I have trusted someone who had hurt me over and over , again? No of course I wouldn’t. So why do we take it from family? Our own children? Why when this hurts more than anyone else could ever hurt us.? Why does King Charles take it from Harry? Because he is his Dad.  

In my book, this makes it so much worse and we, as parents should not feel bad about telling the truth, when others are telling lies about us, or their lives with us. In my case, it was my honesty that began all the nasties in the very beginning but not anymore. Yes I will remain honest but will fight the lies with the truth. That is what I will be doing from today. If I meet anyone who again asks why my daughter is not talking to me, I will tell them why. When I speak with someone on whatever media, who asks the same, I will tell them. I am fed up with being made to be the one in the wrong and refuse to allow these nasty lies to continue without the truth being spoken. 

If you have read this and think I am wrong, please comment and let me know why. If this has made anyone angry, I apologise but I needed to write it all down and try and move on from it if I can.  Should I not have written this because of is about my daughter? Did she think about this, when she has and still is telling lies about me, her Mum? No.

Always remember, the truth will always come out and if you have lied, this could easily hurt you, the way you have caused pain to those you have lied about. To be a good liar, you should have a very good memory, sadly some liars haven’t and the story changes over time when you can’t remember what you said before, because it was a lie.

After today, my blogs I hope, will return to being inspirational, sometimes funny when I can find my sense of humour and always ,always honest. 

Thank you for reading. X 

The Damage Lies Can Do… if not challenged.

I wasn’t going to blog today but now I feel I have to.

In past blogs I have referred to the estrangement of my eldest daughter and her family, her choice.Some of you have asked me what happened and I have alluded to that in previous blogs but not in detail. Haven’t wanted to show her for the person she has become I suppose, wanting to believe the little girl I brought up was still in there, somewhere. Sadly I now today know this is not true.

Back in 2012 as some of you know, I was embroiled in a nasty 6 months at the hands of a hoaxer online ,who made me believe she needed my help. She stated she was being sexually abused by her step father and needed to talk to someone who would understand. To cut a long, sordid cruel story short, this resulted in my being available to this woman 24 seven for 6 months. Ending up with a court case and she was found guilty and given an order to stay away from me for 10 years.

At the same time, my best friend was dying of cancer and I became very low. The only saving factor in 2012 was that my eldest daughter was fostering a new baby and would send me photos of this child , sometimes 5 or 6 in one day. My study and kitchen were full of this baby and when she said she was going to adopt her, I was thrilled. Some of you will know all of this because I spoke of little else online, other than having a new grand-daughter.I helped my daughter with all the paperwork, her life story, that of my grandsons and was thrilled to learn I was to be her pivotal support. The person she would turn to if needed. I felt honoured and excited. To do this officially I had to meet with the social worker. I booked my old consulting room in Abergavenny and drove 2 and a half hours to meet with the adoption officer. We spent 2 plus hours talking about my daughter, my grand children, myself and the adoption. We discussed the part I would willingly play in this little girl’s life.I was thrilled to bits and the lady I met knew this. Then I agreed to sign my statement when she had completed it and sent it to me and I drove 2 and half hours home.

Once home I began placing all my photos of the new baby in a scrap book to show her one day.A few a few days later, having not yet received the statement to sign, my daughter wrote some very nasty emails to me accusing me of trying to sabotage the adoption. I had no idea why and was totally confused. I tried to talk to her but she would not answer my phone calls or my emails.Then without trying to discuss this with me, she shut me out of her life. Blocked me on social media and refused my emails. Living so far from her, around 5 and a half hours, I could not ‘pop ‘ and see her to find out what was going on. A few days later the statement arrived for me to sign. It stated how close we were, my daughter and I, how she would come to me for help or advice and how I would be named on the adoption as her pivotal support. I tried to contact her to discuss this but as I said, she had shut me out.

One thing my friends and family always say about me, sometimes almost making fun of me, is that I am too honest. My husband had always said that one day my honesty would be my downfall. Well that day arrived.

I could not sign something that stated my daughter and I were very close, that she would call on me anytime she needed and that I would be her Pivotal Support, for her and this new baby. How could I when she would not talk to me in any manner? I wrote to the adoption social worker and told her that my daughter had turned her back on me for some unknown reason and so I could not sign the statement as it wasn’t true. She wrote back and said she understood and was sad but she could see how I couldn’t sign something that was no longer true.She also reassured me that my not signing would not affect the adoption and that my eldest grandson would step up to be my daughter’s Pivotal Support. The adoption went ahead I am glad to say, I always thought it was the right thing for this little girl and for my daughter and knew my not signing the statement would make no difference.

Since that day, my daughter made my life hell. Spreading lies about my trying to stop the adoption which is simply not true but those she has told these lies and many other to, don’t know me. They believe her and this week I was in a position, once again, where I had to try and defend myself from her lies.These nasty lies and others, she had told to ‘a friend’.Then repeated as an accusation, to me. I don’t mind anything being said about me, I have grown a bit thick skinned of late but I am not any longer going to sit back and listen to lies that hurt and damage me and not tell it as it really was and is.

A few years ago, during my husband’s cancer scare and subesquent surgery, my eldest daughter and my youngest sister made up stories about me and spread them all over social media on my author page. These lies included how I tried to stop her adopting her daughter.I tried to counter these by telling how things really were, my truth, not theirs. It was a horrid time and resulted in their lies,to my agent and my publisher, lies about me that had nothing to do with this episode but about my early life,and telling my publisher that I had broken my word about not identifying anyone in my books, as I wrote under a pseudonym. When is fact, my daughter and my sister made it public on my author page, who they were, by commenting their lies , in their real names! Resulting in my losing my literary contract, maligning my name as an author and as a Mum. Unforgivable damage was done. I remedied the author part of this and my book has gone on to sell over 140,000 copies.But the damage done to me as a person is still affecting me today. At the time I said I would never forgive them. I placed all of the blame on my youngest sister but I now know it was both of them and that hurts more than anything.

Since moving back to Hampshire,believing my daughter knew everything she had said and is still saying about me is completely untrue, believing she was sorry for all the nasty unkind things, too many to mention here, I tried to forgive her and rebuild our relationship. But after asking her and wanting to hear her say she was sorry and that she did not believe any of it, she assured me that nothing she had told anyone was a lie and that she wasn’t sorry. Then as she usually does, without trying to talk about it like grown ups, like Mum and daughter, she shut me out of her life. I lost her and my grandchildren and that hurt is indescribable.

So here I am. I hope those whom she has gossiped and maligned, me to read this and now know the truth. But it doesn’t really matter because I know the truth. Those who love me know the truth. I just want to the lies to stop. I am all hurt out. I am ill, suffering depression and physical problems and can take no more.It takes a big person to admit to telling lies and I now know she is not that person. But I am .

Thank you for reading x