As some of you will know, my childhood, on a personal level, was not good. But as a family, we were seen as a good family. A close family. Which I suppose in some ways we were. There were five of us children, the woman they called my ‘mother’ and my lovely patient and gentle ‘Dad’ William. But we had a huge family outside of us. Aunt’s Nan’s, great aunts and many 2nd cousins. Christmas’s and birthdays were always full of people, gatherings in the local church hall or at my Great Aunt Rose’s house. We shared weddings, christenings, 21st and 18th birthday parties and always had a huge number of people at all of these. Family.Every Sunday we would have a house full. Happy times. A sad times, deaths etc. we all pulled together. But not now.
I have a huge family from my siblings. Nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews but see or hear from only a very few. Sad. Many have been told lies, lies told to hurt me and alienate me from them. Lies told to my eldest daughter to do the same and it worked. I have never had the chance to tell my side. The truth.
I believe that this is what is wrong with the world today. On a larger scale, the family of Mankind has lost it’s way. Every country seems to want what other countries have and try and take it. The leaders convince their neighbours to be against others, alienating them against the ‘enemy’. And so we have many many wars. The world belongs to everyone and if only the leaders remembered that, we might have peace.But. People don’t communicate. Don’t talk about things. So that results in war, estrangement, bad patterns continuing and people getting hurt.
This begins at home.
So back to my blog. When I was growing up, the woman they called my mother would fall out with me often. There was no love from her to me for reasons I discovered as a 17 year old but that’s another story. On bad days, if she was cross, angry with me for no reason most of the time, except that I had ‘ruined ‘ her life by being born, she would stop talking to me. Later when we had all left home, if she wasn’t seeing me then no other member of the family could see me or talk to me. Not their choice but how she controlled them. This made for some very difficult times. When my brother got married, she wasn’t talking to me so I couldn’t go to his wedding. When my sister in law was dying, I couldn’t visit her and so on and so on.She continued after I was married and tried hard to influence or control my first daughter but I wouldn’t let her and this led to us falling out, many times.
She would fall out with my Nan, my Dad’s mum, once for 2 years, and forbid anyone of us to see her. My Dad and I did and she never found out. But it should not have been necessary for this ‘secrecy. None of my siblings liked the way she behaved.Dividing us, her children, controlling us and making us choose sides. Unforgivable. This was not love.
Because of this, I made very sure my children grew up to be able to see any of my relatives they chose to see, even the ‘woman the called my mother’. I would never let my feelings affect how they felt towards a person. If I fell out with family, not sure I can remember this happening, except with the youngest, Patricia who dropped out of my life for more than 40 years. I would have encouraged both of my daughters to stay in touch with any family that they wanted to. If I had a falling out, it would have been between them and me. When my eldest shut me out a while ago, she was in touch with my youngest and I would never have discouraged that.That is what a good Mum should do. This is what love is.
But I obviously failed where my eldest daughter is concerned.I have many letters here, letters of love. Thoughtful, caring letters and cards from her to me. I will always keep them.Because no matter what she does, I am her Mum and will always love the child she was.
I have 3 grandchildren, and now a new great grandchild. I love them all as I do my children, all of them. I had wanted to break this cycle of estrangement but over the years, if I fell out with my eldest daughter, she would make sure I didn’t see or have contact with my grandchildren.Alienating them against me with lies that I had no way of disputing to them. I have missed so much of their lives. I have messages from my youngest grandson that say I was ‘an awesome Nan’. I so wish I could see him now as a young man. But he is fiercely loyal to his mother, a misplaced loyalty that was one sided, that should never be necessary or wanted, he has never had the opportunity to know the truth, but he will. I have made sure he will. I have a granddaughter who I know could have enjoyed many happy times with me but never had the chance. She too, will in time know how much I wanted her and to be part of her life.My eldest grandson is in touch with me and I hope to visit very soon and see my new great grandson and give him a hug.
I am almost 80 years of age and don’t have time for all this nonsense. If you fall out with someone, you should not influence others to do the same. If more people valued family, valued what the older generation can give to the younger, life would be so much richer. No one has the right to alienate anyone against anyone. Ever.
I can’t do anything about the state of the world, the disagreements, the wars, the fighting etc. across so many countries.
But I will try in my ‘own backyard’ as they say.
So this estrangement, alienation needs to stop and I will do my very best to stop it. I have to. Family is family and we should all look out for each other. The world currently is a scary place. So many wars. So much heartache. Family needs to be close, safe and full of love. I will do what my eldest sister asked me to do, just one more time and try to bring my family back together.
Thankyou for reading.
x
carolannwright 