It is a long time since I wrote a blog but today need to offload feelings I have and that need airing.
Those of you who have read my book, will know how my ‘mother’ manipulated almost everyone she knew. She was unkind, cruel, selfish and made my life as a child, painful to say the least and as and as an adult, lonely and isolated from family.She would play the game, ‘if ‘she (meaning me)’ is going to be there, then I won’t be.’ My brother’s wedding, an aunt’s funeral, my Nan’s funeral. Weddings, visiting people in hospital etc. Which always led me to saying that I would stay away. I wouldn’t say I would attend, for her to cause trouble so I missed out on many family gatherings. If she had fallen out with me, no one in the family would be able to speak to me or see me.
In my growing up, she kept my Dad from seeing his own Mum. He used too ‘sneak’ round to see her as did my brother and myself. Why? Because she had fallen out with her mother in-law. My Nan .
After my mother died, I thought life would be easier but her favourite, my youngest sister, continued with this nasty trend.Preventing me from going to my sister’s wake, my brother’s wedding, his house etc. In fact, every way my mother could hurt me, after her death, my youngest sister continued this. After 40 plus years being out of our lives, she came blustering in, told horrific lies to my middle sister and my eldest daughter. Alienating them both from . Neither gave me the chance to tell it as it really was. Sadly my middle sister June, died thinking I did not love her and had told awful lies about her. She could not read or write and my youngest sister made up a letter saying it was from me and read it to her.
Trisha, my youngest sister, befriended my daughter and between them they alianted family who had begun talking to me, with lies. They wrote to my publisher telling horrendous lies and losing me my publishing contract. They wrote things about me on Social media as some of you have read, all untrue. My youngest sister Trisha, died recently and I thought all the lies, the need for ‘pretence’, taking sides etc would stop. But no, the toxic culture of controlling those who have been the brunt of alienation, continues.
I am not a saint, I am not perfect but the one thing I am is honest. I grew up in a web of lies and will not tolerate lies in my family. I don’t care how bad things are, I will always want the truth.
When my eldest became a mother, I was there when my first grandson was born. Not in the labour ward where we wanted me to be because things didn’t go to plan, but outside in the corridor. His dad brought him out to me when he was a few minutes old. My heart melted. I have loved him all of his life. But. When things happened and my daughter shut me out, she also prevented contact between him and myself. I missed so much of his childhood, of his brother;’s childhood. because the truth was always important to me and it wasn’t to my daughter.
Over the years, she has been in and out of my life and every time she shut me out, she made him do the same. This is so very wrong.I always took her back, gave her another chance but this time she has gone too far.
Many times in my life I have stood back, stayed away, kept out of someone’s life because of my Mother, my sister or my daughter. This is so cruel. If you fall out with someone, that is your issue no one else’s and you should never try and alienate another person against the one you have fallen out with.That is not fair on them. That is not loving them.
But this time, no matter what , it won’t work. I am an elderly lady now, nearing my last years if I am lucky and I will not be shut out again! I just won’t. I will have contact with those I love and no one will stop me. They have no right. Yes she is his mother and I am her mother but neither has the right to do this. It is just wrong.
My mother manipulated those I love. Kept them from me. Shut me out of their lives using blackmail on them.’If she is there, I won’t be’ and most times they had no choice but take her side.
That ends now. That ends today. I am breaking this horrible toxic legacy. I will see anyone I choose. I will love anyone I choose. My life is too short now not to.I will not tolerate lies. I will be no part of lies. I am me and deserve to be treated with love and respect. Took me far too many years to see this but have done now.
Those I love need truth, openness, honesty and love. I for one will make sure they do.
There! That’s better.
Thank you for reading.
carolannwright 