Well here I am again, writing to save my sanity I suppose. Sometimes things go round and around in my head and I find it hard to stop them. At the most inopportune moment, in they come, shoving anything and everything else out of my tired and weary head. Bulldozing thoughts I might have been enjoying, liking. Pushing them out like they were nothing , into the sidelines, sometimes never to surface again. Unwanted, not needed, destructive thoughts that my poor mind just wants to stop. To make them go away and never darken my door again. But back they come over and over.

Intrusive thoughts are never invited, sometimes nothing could have been further from my mind,than the subject of these reminders,of how life had been. Reminding me of a life where the subject of these thoughts meant everything to me. Someone or something that was once my world and for whom I would have moved Heaven and Earth for. But things change, people change and this can be hurtful, confusing, sad.

Intrusive thoughts affect all of us. Overtime you may begin to get used to things, may not give any time to these thoughts, although many would say you must. They might tell you, that you are wrong to try and push memories of how life once was, out of your mind, your world forever. But our minds are not like that. Our memory is not selective, or not for most of us. Whether we want someone to creep into our heads or not , is not our choice. Especially if they are someone we have loved beyond love for most of their lives. No, we have no choice. Why? Because as parents we have that wonderful ability to unconditionally love our children. To give them unconditional love willingly. We don’t make it happen, it is just there, from the minute you know you are having a baby, the love is there and you just know you would die for them.

Sometimes, I think, we can feel, this unconditional love, come back to us, see it in a smile, feel it in hug. Just know it is there. Something a Mum and child should always have between them. An unfathomable feeling of love, no matter what happens in the child’s life or that of the parent. Especially, the Mum.

In my childhood I didn’t have that but made sure my children always knew I loved them. Give them what I never had, willingly and for my first child that was so easy. She was a perfect baby, a beautiful little girl, who without knowing, helped me through some hard times. Always made easier. As she grew, she changed, as an adult, she taught me to accept that unconditional love does not always go both ways.

Another thing I have been pondering recently, is how children grow up aso very different from their siblings. I brought both my girls up the same. I wanted them to be honest, caring, family orientated and kind. The most important of all those qualities is honesty. Very important to me for reasons I have given before.I find being lied to, insulting and so wrong. Being lied about is unforgivable. My eldest has been doing this for many many years. That is where unconditional love comes in. I forgave her. Every time she trampled over my feelings, caused trouble for me and my family here, stole from me when she lied to others and made me ill.Each and everytime, I forgave her. You do don’t you? That is what we all do when we love without condition. But I now believe that to be wrong.To be detrimental and grossly unfair. On so many counts.

The one thing we all have a right to, possible the only thing we have a right to, is the love of our mother. I didn’t have that but made very sure I gave that to my daughters. Forgiveness I believed was part of that. Forgiving a child when they hurt you. But not anymore. If a child , as an adult, treats you in such a way that you are hurt. Takes from you without a thought for the consequences. Tramples over your feelings and besmirches your name with their lies, why should you just let that go!?Why and how should you forgive? Where does it say you have to do this??

Does the definition of ‘unconditional love’ mean you allow them to treat you anyway they wish? Does it mean you just let anything nasty they do to you, any untrue stories they spread, any turning others against you, you just let it all go? Does it mean you must allow your children to treat you, in a way that you would never allow any one else to get away with and do nothing? Does it mean they can influence others with their lies and you have to just accept that? If it does, if all of the above, should be tolerated by us when done by our; children after we give them a lifetime of love, then please count me out!

Maybe to some, that makes me an uncaring mother,a mother who is not how mothers should be. An unfair Mother. Maybe to some, it means I don’t love unconditionally when I should. Maybe some of you reading this, feel shame about my saying this, about my own child. But think on. If someone does something you dislike, something that hurts you, something that causes you trouble. Something that if anyone else had done it, you would see it as criminal. If they ‘take you in with lies’ and spread lies about you to take others in. Is that right?.If they make sure they get something out of you then ‘dump you when they don’t want to answer your question about lies they have spread, so shut you out of their life.Is that okay? If someone you know, maybe a ‘friend’. An Aquaintence. A work colleague or a boss, behaved in this way would you just shrug and allow it? I am sure you wouldn’t.

I realise now at my great age, that loyalty is not a passage of right. But I also don’t believe it can be earned. I know families where family loyalty is so strong that people put up with the worst of treatments because of loyalty for family. I know of Mums who do the same. Put up with treatment they wouldn’t take from anyone else, but take it from their children. This can’t be right.

I now know it isn’t right and have taken this stand to hopefully tell other Mums’ that it’s actually okay. Okay to be angry with your kids when they do you wrong. That’s it’s okay to tell them off for treating you badly. That’ you don’t have to put up with bad treatment that you would not tolerate from any other person in your life, that you do, from your kids. It’s okay to let them leave your life, if the only way you can keep them is to allow the painful hurtful treatment that they dish out to you. It’s okay. If that makes me a bad Mum, so be-it. But it’s not my definiton of a bad Mum.

It’s okay to have love, that is conditional in some relationships. Really, it’s okay

Life is too short. I have spent far too much of mine, allowing the treatment of me,by someone because she is my ‘child’. No more. It stops now. It stops today! To allow the lies to keep coming, the stories being told to her ‘friends’ and some family, so far I have done nothing. No more!

Well there it is.A Mum sharing her true feelings, about time.

What is about Mothers, why do we just take behaviour from our kids that we would never take from any other human being?? Why do we take from family, what we would never tolerate from others? Please, if you are a Mum , if your child is still young, teach them to be loving , kind, caring and teach them that this begins at home. Teach them that sometimes their Mum will say No to them, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love them and that’s okay. That their Mum should be treated with respect, honesty and love. Don’t teach them that she can behave in a way they dislike without reason. Question it and that’s okay. Teach them that their Mum is doing her best and that she has feelings that they can easilly hurt. And that’s NOT okay. Most of all, teach them, that most unconditional love, actually does have conditions. And that’s okay also.

I have tried very hard to be accepting, accepting bad behaviour from family, without feeling guilty. Up intil today, saying any of what I have written here would make me feel horrendous guilt. But no more. Do others, who dish out dishonesty, lies about me, persuade others to think badly of me, feel guilty ? Of course they don’t or they wouldn’t keep doing it. So, no, not any more. If asked about the ‘whys’ etc. if asked about the truth, I will tell it warts’n all with no guilt whatsoever. Why should anyone feel guilty about telling it as it was or is. So, no. Not guilty at all.

Thankyou for reading. x