When I was a child, both of my grandmothers were alive. We saw a great deal of my mother’s mum, my Nan Williams but little of my Dad’s Mum, Nan B.
I had a very troubled childhood, some of you know that but one thing I never mentioned in my books, was the relationship between my ‘Mother’ and my Nan B. It was just how it was I suppose, how I grew up, didn’t really think much about it as a small child but as I grew up, I would go and see my Nan B in her little house and we became close. Not as close as I was to my other Nan but close as children and grandparents should be.
In my early memory, she would come to our house some Christmas days, for lunch when all of the family would be there. But never regularly and at one time, she stopped coming all together. I asked my Mother why and she just told me it was none of my business, as she usually did when I asked about anyone or anything.
I noticed over time that Dad would often be a little upset when my mother’s mum came around on birthdays etc but not his Mum. When I asked him, he just said that his Mum and my Mum did not really get along and not to ask about it as it could cause a row.
When I was about 14, my parents ran an ‘old folks Club’, in our local community centre and I asked why Nan B wasn’t coming to it. This started an almighty tirade from my ‘mother.’ Shouting and calling my Nan some nasty names and forbidding me from seeing her. I didn’t understand and was upset and knew Nan would be if I, we stopped going to see her. I spoke to Dad about it and he looked so sad and said that if that’s what my Mum wanted then so be it.
For a few years this continued and we didn’t see Nan B. No one mentioned her without it resulting in a row. As far as my Mother was concerned, Nan was the worst person anyone could know and she was not to be contacted, talked to etc by any of us. Really upsetting as she was an old lady and our Nan.
My brother Tony decied to call and see her after school and not tell Mum. After a few visits I decided to do the same. We were her family, all she had and it seemed so wrong that she didn’t have visits from us. So between us, we both secretly went to call on her. She was so excited to see us and refused to talk about our Mum. Didn’t bad mouth her, just said that is how it is but at least she saw us.
On one of these visits, I was surprised to see Dad cycling away from his Mum’s home. I didn’t say anything to Nan but later asked my Dad if he had been to see her. He looked a bit worried, caught out and then said, yes he had never stopped seeing her but Mum could never find out. His own Mum and he had to sneak around to see her. I was only young but knew that was so wrong.
I broached the subject of Nan with my mother, on a day she seemd a little warmer to me, big mistake. This ended with my being forbidden any contact with her and my mother shouting and screaming at me, what a nasty person her mother in law was.
This went on for many years and I know that Dad still secretly visited his mum . I did find out later what was wrong between them and if anyone had reason to dislike the other, it was my poor Nan.
It doesn’t matter what happens between you and another person, you have no right to influence or alienate one against another. You have no right to come between a parent and their child, I see this a lot in marriage breakdowns. Or a grandparent and their granchild. My mother, who was really nasty person I am ashamed to say, had no right to try and stop Dad from seeing his own mother, no matter how she felt about her. She also had no right talking to us, her kids, about our Nan and trying to alienate us against her. Cruel, selfish and so very wrong.
As some of you know, over the years my eldest daughter has fallen out with me, us, many times and each time, she has stopped my grandchildren from having contact with me, us. I would keep trying to stay in touch but when they were young, she would just stop them seeing me. As they have grown up, she has lied, told them so many made up stories about me and alienated them from seeing me or having any contact.
This is so wrong.
However you feel about someone, those are your feelings. They should remain your feelings and you should never try and ruin any relationship between anyone . Let them see their Dad, their Mum, their grand parents etc. etc. Don’t influence them either way, you don’t have the right!
My Dad loved his Mum and this relationship was spoiled by the selfish actions of my mother. She made my Dad creep around, become secretive and feel as though he was doing something wrong. Just by seeing his own Mum!!!
Why am I writing this?
Once again, lies have circulated and I have heard of them so felt angry and the need for this blog.
My eldest has lied about me and then shut me out of her life laying the blame on me. That was bad enough but it is her choice. No one elses’ only hers.
As she did when my grandsons were small, she has prevented them from seeing me, having contact with me. Yes I know they are now young men but sadly, my daughter is very much like her Grandmother, nasty and vindictive. My grandsons have no choice, because I know she would make their lives hell, if they continued contact with me. That, I find is unforgivable.
I love all of my children, but that doesn’t mean I have to like how they behave. Because my eldest, won’t face up to her lies, she finds it easier to keep anyone she knows away from me. That way, they will never find out the truth.Her issues I know but I am the one who misses out and so are they.
If allowed we, David and I would be good grandparents to our boys and our little granddaughter, but we are not allowed. That is unforgivable.
So if you fall out with someone, remember it is You who have done this. You who have stopped contact. You who choose to shut them out of your life..
No-one else. It shouldn’t involve your partner, your children or your friends. Keep your opinions, if unkind , nasty or/and lies, to yourself. Don’t influence others to feel how you do.Because believe me, one day it will come back to bite you on the bum as my Nan would say. Think on. Please.
Thankyou for reading x
ps. During this year we have had contact with our eldest grandson but that seems to have stopped. I can only think that my daughter Lisa, has made his life difficult and once again, because of that he has stopped seeing us. I could be wrong but I am sure I am not. This has happened so often over the years.
As you get older, family is important and we are no exception. I miss seeing him, hearing from my youngest grandson and hearing about and seeing my granddaughter Hannah .I obviously miss my daughter but must respect her choice.
I hope that one day, she does not regret shutting us out and making life so difficult for those around her. Life is short, I am beginning to realise that only too well. To have my children and grandchildren around me was all I ever wanted but she has made that impossible.
So I have edited this post from earlier in the year knowing that I am possibly the only person reading it, but need to put it down in this blog as my diary.
Thank you again for reading. x
carolannwright 