At home we have a map of the world on our wall. I have very little grasp of where places are, so we invested in this wall art to help me understand where countries are. Never too old to learn. After watching last night’s news, I went to look at this map and identify where the places were, that are at war. It shook me that so much of the world is fighting, either within their own country or with neighbours. Killing each other and those innocents around them. Parts of the world are starving, others have famine, drought, flood and fire and yet they insist on fighting among themselves.No care or concern for their fellow man. Seemingly no remorse. When did the world become so cruel?. So uncaring? So hard?
I began to think about this and had the realisation, that although we are all of one family, the family of human beings, we cannot live together without fighting, killing and destroying each other. This brought me to wondering why and how, human beings can be so cruel. How they can destroy, kill and maim and all without a care it seems. No one accepts blame, no one backs down and no one ever pays for the harm and devastation they cause.
Whatever happened to love thy neighbour? Love your fellow man? Share, care and exist in harmony. We are all the same, all part of one family. The human race. We are one big family.Or should be. Watching the news, I doubt that now.This made me think about and question,family, my own and that of the world’s.
How is it that some people have parents, siblings and extended families who all get along. They don’t fall out, they don’t quarrel among themselves, not with any seriousness. How some families are so close and share in each other’s lives, cousins and aunts and uncles, all involved in their own siblings families. As it should be but sadly is not always this way.
My own childhood was not happy but we as a family, did have cousins, aunts and uncles and close relatives.I was the child my ‘mother’ could not love. Born of an affair when my ‘Dad’, her husband, was away fighting in the war. Not my fault but I paid the price and was her constant reminder, of having to end the affair, that resulted in my birth. In my life story I DID TELL I DID, you will read of the numerous unkind ways she punished me for being born.
My children, my daughters, had Nans and Grandads and an extended family. In the modern world, people separate divorce , move away with work etc. Sometimes the families continue their links, sometimes sadly they don’t. I understand that. I was a good Mum, the Mum I never had. Nothing like the woman who called herself my mother, no, a good Mum, as my children reminded me daily, with notes, cards, gifts and hugs. Always thanking me and telling me how proud they were of me. I was by no means perfect, who is but I did my very best to bring them up with love and kindness and as a family.They made me feel loved, wanted and I suppose needed. I loved them so much and gave them everything I could which was not always everything they wanted. I was for a long part of their childhood, a lone parent so money, even though I had 3 jobs at one time, was tight. We did so much together, especially when they had ponies and I loved every minute. As they grew, my eldest became a bit difficult. Life had been a bit chaotic, divorce, my dependency and poorly health but we were still very close and my love never wavered. I have boxes of keepsakes, notes, poems, gifts etc. given to me over the years by my daughters. Precious memories of a time I was proud of my little family. Carol and her girls, friends, used to refer to me as. As my eldest became interested in boys, as I have written here before, we differed on what we felt was ‘okay’ in respect of her having her boyfriend stay over. She was 15 at the time. From then on she became I suppose a ‘typical’ teenager arguing with her Mum. But she took it a step further and left home….for one night and returned when she realised that life was not better somewhere else. That happens in families, I know that but at the time it worried and hurt me and her little sister.
I brought both girls up to be honest, kind and caring and was that, to them and everyone I knew. Honesty was so important to me and if you know my story, you will know that I grew up in a web of lies and vowed my life would be open and honest and sadly, that is what I expected from those in my life. I have often been let down, especially by family.
Life continued and she really became a person I did not recognise. But throughout all of this, we remained a family, still did things together and , I thought, still loved each other through it all. I had to ‘allow’ her to become engaged at 16 or I felt I would lose her. I made a cake and arranged a ‘party at her boyfriend’s house and all was well, I thought.Then she moved out and they moved in together and made a home, complete with cat and dog. I was happy for them. We have to be don’t we, as a family, we have to be pleased and support them and both her sister and I did.
I didn’t have very much to do with my family except my brother and older sisters, we stayed in touch but the ‘family’ had little to do with me and my children because of how my Mother was. If she wasn’t ‘talking’ to me, then the others couldn’t, talk to me I mean. Unfair? Of course but that’s just how it was. Families fall out, don’t speak sometimes for years but ultimately they should be there for each other. I know that is not so.
As life went on I found myself further and further outside of the family I was born into and it hurt but I was used to it. One of the worst times of my life as a Mum, was a Friday when my eldest was 18. I had visited her on the Tuesday, as her cat was having kittens. I remember how excited we were and I said ‘the next time we celebrate will be when you and ….. get married.’ She smiled a wry smile and agreed. The Friday of the same week, she phoned and asked us to go down and of course we did. As we reached her door and she came to answer it, she bent down to smooth our little dog and I saw confetti in her hair. Little did I know what would come next. We went up to her flat, she and her boyfriend stood back and on the table, in her sitting room was a posy of flowers and their marriage lines. I thought I was going to faint. I was shocked, hurt, angry and so so confused. I admit to losing it, crying and asking why, why? Her now husband, a lad I loved like a son, asked me to leave. We left. If you are a Mum especially the Mum of a daughter, you will understand this pain, this hurt. There was no reason for her to do this, no reason at all, but she did.This is how families hurt us.
That was the worst thing she had done to that time, I should have realised then that if she could hurt me in that way, anything was possible for her to do.
Of course, in time I forgave her, never forgot but forgave her. Was there to bale her out as I have been for both of them, many times and willingly. That is what families do isn’t it. Help when needed. Love no matter what. Forgive as many times as needed. But why?
We never do things for our children, our families, to be rewarded. We don’t care, so that they will care for us. We don’t love so that they will love us. We care, love, please and forgive because that is what good human beings do. But that doesn’t make what is done, okay. It doesn’t make it alright. It doesn’t take away the pain and hurt. No. That stays in a secret little part of your heart and is trodden on every time they hurt us again. Making the pain come back. Causing heartache once again.
I could go on and on about the hurt, the lies she has inflicted on me and my family, the damage she has done but I have told you some of that and this blog is about family and I don’t want to repeat myself.
But. It never means any of this is okay. Always remember that. Family should never hurt family. Should be an unwritten law. Or even a written law!
So when did it become ‘okay’ to hurt your own family? When did it become alright to disrespect those who love you? Hurt those who have given you nothing but love? When did that happen? Oh I know only too well that is has and did but I don’t know how or when it began to be acceptable to hurt. If we can do this to those who love us, to those who have given us life, given us everything they possibly could, how easy it is to hurt those we don’t know.
There lies a tale.
When you next watch to the news, hear about Ukraine, the Far East, anywhere that is at war. Anywhere where people are killing each other, people they don’t know and have no grievance against. When you read about how wicked one human being is to another. When you watch people dying because of greed of their leaders. When the news reader says, ‘some scenes might upset you’. Look to your own behaviour. Look to how you treat other people. Especially your own family and if you have hurt them, take a minute to think of why. Think of how you can put this right.
We need to begin at home. We need to show love to our children, our siblings, their children. To our extended family. If you have not heard from them for a while, reach out. Show kindness and love.
I love my children, all of them. My son did not grow up with me but that doesn’t change my love for him. My eldest has hurt me, lied about me, badmouthed me, written stories about me and my ‘mental health’ that if not so hurtful, would be funny. But I still love her. Always will. I just don’t like her and am not prepared to let her cause many more harm.
The reason for this blog is because of what I see every day in the news. As a race, we need to show kindness at every opportunity. We need to show love for our fellow man. We need to be a family . A family who is willing to share, to care and to be there for each other. We need to stop killing, stop hurting, stop causing others pain. And all of this begins at home. Begins in our own family. If we can’t do that as families, what chance has the world to survive?
We have to change and that begins at home.
Thank you for reading x
carolannwright 