Many of my oldest friends will be happy to read this blog.Long time coming I can hear them say. Better late than never, just took a very long time for me to learn.
So here we are again. 1 year on, house on the market and looking to move. This time we really are going home. We thought we were last year when we made the move to Hampshire as per my first blog of the year, last week,but it proved to be a big mistake so here we are but this time really ‘going home’.
Having always put my children first as most Mum’s do, giving up chances in life, like taking a really good job in London with a top computer magazine, because I didn’t want to move the girls,I thought this was being a good mum. I did everything I did willingly as they were so important to me.
My eldest though, left home at the first opportunity to live in a tiny bedsit because I was too strict, re not allowing her then boyfriend, to stay over with her. She was only 16 and I felt it was right to do this. Life was different back then and being a single Mum maybe I just tried too hard.
But back in 1997 when David was moved to Bristol with the MOD, I had a choice. Stay in Hampshire and see him at weekends, sometimes, or move with him. My eldest was married with a family and thinking about moving to Spain and my youngest wanted to go with her Dad and me, so this time I suppose I put my marriage and David first. I did not want to be a weekend wife.At that time we had horses and a pony so we chose to move over to Wales where we could buy a home with land and have them with us, one of the things we all wanted. It was the best thing we ever did. Wales changed us all, we became lovers of the countryside, the peace and quiet and enjoyed having our animals so close to us. But the person who changed most of all was me.
On arriving in South Wales at our lovely 300 year old cottage that was in disrepair, I was very poorly with Brittle Asthma and arthritis. My GP registered me disabled and a specialist said I would never work again and basically, that was that! I did not accept that, I couldn’t and so decided to try and retrain for something I could do with not as much physical effort. I took myself off to college and an Advanced Diploma in Counselling, a 3 year course. During this time I did practical therapy in a local hospital with members of the health trust staff. I had found my vocation and loved it.Once my training was over, I set up my own Private Practice and took on a consulting room in Abergavenny. I worked with staff of the Welsh Ambulance service, a local Health trust and local county council as well as clients sent to me after accidents by local solicitors. I had found my place in life and loved it.Watching people come into therapy, in sometimes a very low place and seeing how therapy changed them and gave them their life back, was something I loved. Helping those lost in this ever changing world. I then went on to University and gained a Masters in CBT. David and Marie were so proud of me at my graduation, still brings a smile to my face now remembering that wonderful day.
As part of my training I had to ‘deal’ with my own demons and the result of that was my first book, I DID TELL I DID under the pseudonym, for privacy, of Cassie Harte.To my huge surprise it went straight into the charts to Number One and stayed there for weeks and weeks and is still selling today. How good is that! Not bad for someone the medics had written off and I owe it all to coming to Wales and the love and support of my husband and youngest daughter.Our equine family grew, taking on rescued ponies and our youngest daughter flourished.
My brother and his wife visited regularly and so did my eldest daughter and her family, it was so good seeing our grandsons enjoy our country home. Happy times.
After 14 years David retired and to pay off our mortgage and be mortgage free, we moved again, to West Wales where we bought a 1930’s farmhouse and once again, did it up and it became a lovely country home. Our youngest lived with us still, wanting to stay close but lived independently in a static van on our drive. We had ducks and geese on our lake, acres to enjoy and grew vegetables and fruit in our polytunnel and lived the good life. Lots of hard work but it enabled us to once again increase the number of ponies we had, up to 9 at one time and 3 of our daughters, two dogs and 2 cats. Life was wonderful.
Over the past few years, with online bullying that resulted in my losing my literary contract, because of lies told to my publisher, I suffered anxiety and depression and became unwell. I lost my confidence and could no longer do the things I had always done. I had become someone I did not recognise. The land and house were getting too much for us both and we had lost our last 3 ponies and our beloved dogs.Because of my health I had to give up my practice and then Covid hit. We didn’t mind the lockdowns, we had everything we needed ‘on the farm’ and felt safe. But being on our own did nothing for my confidence, in fact quite the opposite. I didn’t want to meet with anyone and for me, a ‘people person’ that was strange and uncomfortable.
We knew we had to move, no reason to keep the big house and land and at first were going to move within Wales, as we loved it so much but as I said last week, we were persuaded to move to Hampshire and that has not worked out. I was hoping to be part of my family and enjoy my grandchildren but it hasn’t worked out that way and now we have nothing to stay here for. As I said last week, we had been missing Wales but would have handled that if things had been different but are now happy to be returning to a country that changed me as a person and my family in so many positive ways.
So here we are, one year on and in the same position as we were last year. Our house here in Hampshire is on the market and we are looking for a place back in Wales. Although I am of course sad things didn’t work out here, I know that David is not happy here and only moved back for me, thinking it was the right thing to do. He is angry about my being hurt again and angry that we gave so much and received so little in return.
So for the first time in the 38 years we have been together, I am putting him and myself first and doing this for us.38 very happy years and I know how lucky I am and am thankful, every single day for having him in my life. Never a cross word. No arguments that weren’t brought about by others. We are very lucky to be as much in love today as we were all those years ago when we first got together.
He makes me smile every single day. Does silly things just to make me laugh.He shows his love for me all the time. The support he has given me over the years and the support he has shown my daughters cannot be faulted. I am so very lucky and feel it is time I put him, us first.
We will find a home we both love, possibly back in Ceredigion and move back with love and hope for whatever time we have left.It isn’t the house that makes a home but the person or people you share it with. Although our hope is that family in Wales will be reunited with us, this move has to be for us with no expectations.
Watch this space and thank you for reading. x
carolannwright 