Over the past 12 years I have shared the joy of living with my husband and daughter, ponies, dogs and cats, in beautiful Ceredigion. Shared photos of ‘the farm’, our gardens, the ponies and dogs. People have commented kindly and enjoyed my ‘story’ and shared my joy.
Last year, I shared how hard it was to leave our wonderful home.How it was something we never thought we would ever do but having lost our last beloved ponies, our beloved little dogs and cats and life with our youngest daughter becoming so different from the closeness we had shared, there was nothing left for us. So much loss in a few years.The house was too big and the land was empty, we thought we were too old to take on more animals and so put the house on the market.
This time last year we were having viewings and sold our beautiful home. We had thought of living close by but we were persuaded, against David’s better judgement, to ‘go home’. Back to Hampshire and our eldest daughter Lisa,and grandchildren.Having suffered so many losses I believed being close to family would be right for all of us but we missed Wales, the air, the peace and quiet and everything about the country that had been our home for 25 years. Most of the time David and I had been married.But we were determined to make this work.We had lost so much, it was time to rebuild and enjoy family life, so different from what we had had for 25 years but we wanted to see it come good, after all the losses we had endured. A time for happy.
Our daughter , helped us find properties that were within a short trip to her home and we tried hard to make it work.But things happened,people who had been in her life a few years back when she and her ‘Aunt’, had tried hard to destroy me, lost me my literary contract and badmouthed me , lied about me to anyone who would listen,all over Social media, began asking me about the years I was out of her life, why I didn’t see her, why I wasn’t part of my granddaughter’s life. Because of that, I had asked my daughter if she had believed all the lies she had been told and that she had told others and if she was sorry. She replied telling me that she only repeated what was said at the time and none of that was a lie. I was horrified and then she blocked me on Social Media and email. No trying to talk about things just shut me out. Cut me off from her and her family.I sent Christmas gifts but had no acknowledgement.
From this I realised that the life I was trying to make with her and my family could never happen, you can’t build anything without trust. She was not willing to talk and try and sort things out, so that was that!Sadly, this is always her answer if she doesn’t like what is being said. Close the conversation and block the other party. This will sadly be her downfall in life. Very sad but shows how little she thought of us.
David and I became ill with some kind of virus, I was still having tests for the Steal syndrome and we were both low. I had never seen David so down, not even when he had cancer. He was my rock, he was the pragmatic one, the upbeat when I was downhearted. But now we both became depressed and I cried myself to sleep every night. I had tried so hard to push thoughts of our last home and our daughter Marie, out of my mind since we moved but had never been able to . David and I talked about this and accepted that last year,we thought we were running towards a different life but I had actually been running away. It doesn’t work. The pain and loss of the past few years could never be ‘made right’ no matter what we did, where we went. We missed our youngest daughter, she had been part of our lives for more than 40 years. The 3 of us had shared so much , joy, happiness, sadness as every family does. Our life as a threesome was wonderful and special and both of us are truly grateful to have shared this time together. I didn’t even recognise who my eldest had become. I thought we would be bringing something into her life and that of my grandchildren, but it seems to her, we were not important. The only good thing since we came here was seeing my eldest grandson and will keep this relationship going.
What we didn’t accept or acknowledge before, to each other, was that we missed our old home, missed Wales, Although we were originally from England and thought we were coming home, we weren’t. We don’t like Hampshire as it has become and miss everything about living in Wales.We had left Wales,for all the wrong reasons. But I should have known better, I should have known that the pain and feelings of loss,would come with me. What I hadn’t factored in was that I was running away and David was running to something we thought was right. Sadly we found it wasn’t. I also had not realised that my wonderful David was as unhappy as I was and actually never wanted to come here, when I had thought he did. All he wanted, he said, was for me to be happy, then he would be happy. He thought in all our pain and loss, we were running towards a better life but he said, he was worried as he never trusted our eldest after everything she did in those awful 6 years, to hurt me and my career. Somehow, in my pain and loss, I had missed this. I feel ashamed for that and now we need to put that right.
Christmas came and went, the saddest we had ever known. I laid up the Christmas table, we had the tree and decorations up but it was not the same.Talked a lot about Christmas’s past, with Marie and then with Marie and her husband Jason and wished we had that now. Then sitting opposite each other, after trying to enjoy our Christmas meal, we sat in silence. Broke my heart.
Time doesn’t always heal, it sometimes accentuates pain.
So after this, we sat and talked, cried together and made up our minds that what we wanted, was to return to Wales.Immediately we both felt better. Our spirits were lifted. I am still having investigations health wise and hope they are ‘resolved’ soon.But our future is looking so much better since this decision was made. Yes we are too old to take on ponies etc but not to old to start over in a place we both love so much. The beauty, peace, sea air etc that Wales will give us is just what we need. Maybe get another dog or two, who knows. Being back in the place our youngest daughter lives, whatever happens, means we are close enough if she ever needs us.
So here we are, one year on and the house has been valued, photos to be taken Friday and back on the market. We are going home!
Can’t wait.
Thank you for reading. x
carolannwright 