This is my first blog for a while, a few months in fact but here I am back again!
Saying goodbye can sometimes be hard, painful. It can be the hardest thing to do as I know from experience. Often it can mean heartache,grief, pain and huge sadness. But sometimes it is a necessity.A good thing. I have never been happier to say the goodbye I said, almost shouted, on the 31st December 2019.Goodbye to the past year and goodbye to one of the worst decades of my adult life.I know no one has had it easy but these are my thoughts, my blog and how I feel.
2010 began with such hope and happiness. My autobiography ‘I DID TELL I DID’ written under my pseudonym of Cassie Harte, had been published at the end of 2009 and went straight into the charts, staying there for a few years. We had moved to an amazing part of Wales, to a home for our ponies and horses, complete with lake, pond and grazing. A wonderful home. I loved the amazing views from the windows and the huge night skies. David was happy tending to the animals with Marie’s help, Marie had a new job and loved it and I went back to my work and continued to write my second book. Life was more than good.In 2012 my eldest daughter Lisa was adopting a baby girl to bring into our family, something wonderful to look forward to .
Then everything changed. My wonderful horse died, May 2012 and before I could process the pain and grief,I was embroiled in the nastiest, cruelest and most damaging saga I have ever encountered,courtesy of a young woman who ‘crept’ into my life and turned my world on it’s head. Horrible, scary 6 months of my life, leaving me drained and reliving part of my childhood memories that had been buried for my own peace of mind.Just as the perpetrator was taken to court my closest friend sadly died of cancer and my world became a little emptier.The following year brought a scary illness to my youngest daughter Marie and we almost lost her. Thankfully, with treatment and lifelong medication, she has recovered but it was a very worrying time for us all. We lost 2 more ponies and I had many illnesses, not life threatening but again draining my already fragile health.This was the beginning of 8 years of pain,stress and heartache, and the end of our wonderful peaceful existence, ‘here on the farm’.
2013 saw my dream of a new granddaughter snatched away from me because of my honesty and integrity.Then my eldest daughter shut me out of her and my families lives ,I was devastated. Following this we had 5 family deaths, the latest my beloved brother’s. It was so hard to grieve, to let go because of all the ‘nasties’ that I have spoken of in the past. In 2016, during the vendetta against me, David was diagnosed with Prostate cancer, this was the latest and scariest event of the decade. We were both in shock and I was full of ‘what ifs’, worrying about what lie ahead for him and for me. Some of you will know, as I began blogging about this nasty disease at that time.Thankfully and with huge gratitude he is now free of that disease and healthy and well.
Over the decade we have lost 9 ponies, one horse, one cat and one dog.All of these losses were held in my head and heart, along with family deaths not dealt with, unable to grieve properly. You would think I would know better wouldn’t you? Grief counselling had been a huge part of my work for 20 years but I didn’t. Unresolved grief can be internalised, harm the person holding it and stored for the future when it can hit you all at once. It did.
All the deaths, the illnesses, the family rift and nastiness made me give up my work and eventually rendered me unable to write. September this year it all became too much. I had tried several times to make things right with Lisa, blamed myself for everything that had gone wrong over the years and I suppose something had to give. I had a breakdown. Not a serious one but a breakdown no less. I should have seen it coming but I didn’t. I should have stopped myself and let myself have time to process and grief. I didn’t. I spent years ‘defending’ myself against attack. Tried hard to keep everything together but couldn’t. My GP puts it down to the stress of the estrangement of my daughter and her family, something that broke my heart. The online ‘stuff that was thrown at me and that I wrongly made worse, by trying to put over my side. If I had been my client, I would have said, either ignore it if you can or come off social media for while. But I am not my client and didn’t see the warnings or listen to others, I just ploughed on, feeding the people responsible and hurting myself. Taking on the guilt, regretting and worrying about things out of my control and not of my doing. It was a horrible time, I didn’t recognise the person I had become.As humans we can take a lot of stress, some is good for us, but we all have a breaking point and mentally and physically I had reached mine.I lost the ability to see what was around me, who was with me. I couldn’t enjoy anything and was so sad that anger had to take over for me to exist. I ceased to care, to feel and almost to love.
So, saying goodbye to 2019 was easy. I stayed up to watch it die, even though I am still unwell with Post viral Fatigue, having had many viral illnesses throughout 2019. I had to see it gone. I readily said Hello to the New Year and welcomed it with open arms and hope. It has to be better, doesn’t it? It can’t be worse for me and for others whom I have seen on social media, a bad year for many sadly. It has to a better year a better decade for us all.I would say it can’t be worse but history shows me it can. Of course it can. I could lose those around me who love me. I know we will lose our precious little 15 year old dog at some stage and our hearts will break allover again. But as I get stronger, I will do what I always do and bounce back. I will build on the resolve I can now feel returning and cope. No, more than that, I will process events, grieve when I have to and support those around me who have always supported me.
So, Hello 2020, you are welcome.I have made my peace with estrangement, I had to. I have contact now with my eldest grandson and that means so much.I have also gained a niece, a lady whom I admire and love. My only regret is that I didn’t know her sooner. Meeting her was a positive beyond description, of the last decade. I will no longer hanker over a relationship with those who have shut me out of their lives and am now ‘okay’ with this. My New Year resolution is to look after those who love me, those who are here and support, help and encourage me when needed. I have promised myself that I won’t keep telling myself ‘I’ll try and make this right’, when I know I can’t. It’s called acceptance and it has been a long time coming .
I have a wonderful kind, funny, caring and loving husband in David and need to focus more on him. I have a wonderful daughter in Marie, who though not well herself, has made a 2 hour round trip to be with me almost everyday, since my illness in September, even if it was after work.
I still live in this amazing home with it’s beautiful views, beauty that I am beginning to see again.I have people loving me, caring about me and supporting me. I laughed today, I don’t remember the last time I laughed. David stopped what he was doing and rushed over to me and hugged me, pleased to see Carol Ann again. She has been absent for along long time.
It is time to look forward, get back to what I had always done.I have begun thinking about doing more work on my children’s books and will begin on them again soon. I have a new illustrator and will also update the book already in print. I have been thinking about our next home, what we need, what we both want when we downsize. Marie and Jason will move close to wherever we end up and we will help them get a place to take all of her horses and our ponies.
So all in all I think at last, life is looking up and so, a little bit late I say welcome 2020. I am going to have better relationship than I had with your predecessor. Whatever you throw at me it can never be as bad as the last decade. Bring it on!
So here I am, back again and want to say Happy New Year to you all.A special Happy or better New Year to all of you who have suffered loss, grief or and sadness,especially those in the PC groups I belong to,my heart goes out to you. To everyone, I hope 2020 is full of love, laughter and happiness. Take risks but stay safe. Love easily but don’t be taken advantage of. If people are unkind to you, smile and walk away, they are the ones with the problems not you. Forget yesterday, don’t even think about tomorrow. Enjoy today. I will I know.And remember, if you can’t say anything kind about someone,then don’t say anything at all.
Thank you for reading xx
carolannwright 