Hello,
Until a few days ago I had no idea of what you looked like even, your hair, your eyes, your smile. But now I do. As I look down at this photo of you, that has been given to me,after all the passing years, my eyes fill with tears. Some of sadness,some of happiness that at last I can see you. I can now at least,picture the woman who gave my precious baby boy, a home.
I had imagined you, many times.When I was first told how you were to be given my baby son, to take care of and love. I couldn’t ‘like you’. When, all those years ago, after I had struggled to find him in his foster home, and take him back with me, ‘They’ came and took him away again. My heart screamed at you back then. ‘I can love him. I can take care of him’. But of course I couldn’t. I was unwell and without, family or any kind of income that could support him and my daughter. I couldn’t lose her and was made to make a choice. Lose both of my much loved children or let ‘them’ take my little boy and give him to you.That was not a choice and he went, unknowingly breaking my heart. You were happy, he was possibly happy and me? Well happy didn’t come into it. No,I didn’t feel warmly towards you, why would I?
But this is not about all of that. This is a letter to you, my son’s other mum. I gave birth to him and loved him and lost him. You took him on as your own and loved him. At that time, I wasn’t grateful to you. I wasn’t happy for you. I wasn’t wishing you everything that was good. How could I? You had my son.I didn’t know you then, I still don’t know you but now I know of you and a little about you. And now, I can see you. The lady he called Mum.
You are different from what I imagined. I, for some reason thought you would be younger, brunette, fuller faced. How or why, I don’t know, because you were an entity that I didn’t want to think about. A person who had something that I wanted. Something that should have been mine by right,to be my son’s mum. Of course I had thought about you and not with any love or gratitude. Just jealousy and something akin to hatred. Very unhealthy. But not now. Life currently has been painful, full of loss and pain but it is time I put my house in order. I can’t do that in some areas but need to do this with you. Even if only in my mind.There comes a time and this is that time.
When I first saw your photo, a few days ago, I was surprised at how it made me feel. You look kind, smart,with your lovely red hair in curls down to your ears. Pearl ear-rings and a pretty top. The first thing that came into my head is that your eyes are so dark, not blue like mine and my son’s.I don’t know why but I had imagined they would have been blue.Don’t know why but things stick don’t they and I had been told by the adoption society, that things like that were important and they would match my baby with parents who had similar characteristics, like eye colour. But your photos is a nice photo.You are not what I had imagined at all. As I stared down at the stranger who had taken my place, I was full of so many emotions.I wanted to be angry. I thought I would be angry but No, I am not. Of course I wish things had been different. But I wish I had not been in that horrendous position when he was born and that he had stayed with me, grown up with me and my daughters but he didn’t. I wish, I wish, I wish so so much.He grew up with you.I have waited so many years to talk to you. To see you. Now I can, if only over this media. I see you now. I need to tell you so much.
I had always hoped we would meet. I made up this story in my head of me going to your home when my son, our son, was at school and sharing a mug of tea, chatting about how this precious boy was doing. This boy we both loved. Sharing our child, his ups and downs of growing up Becoming friends. I don’t know how I could possibly have imagined that happening, as adoption was so closed back when he was a child. But this little story in my head,gave me hope. Comfort on a bad day. I used to wonder if you would like me. If you would understand why you had him and I didn’t. I used to wonder so much over those years.How he was growing. What he liked, what sports he played. What music he enjoyed. I know all of that now, he told me when we met back in 1992. Just after he lost you, his other Mum.Yes I met him and we still have contact. Not in the way I would have hoped but so much more than I had while he was growing up.
I do wish you had told him how things were for me back when he was born. I understand why you didn’t, but do wish you had.
You made me promises but didn’t keep them. Again, I understand why. This is not a recrimination, just how I feel. It is the same with many adopters, promises made at that emotional time, to the birth mum, promises that were meant to be kept. But as I said, I understand why they weren’t. When you first take charge of this much wanted baby, a long time coming, the promises are pushed aside, not even voluntarily, but just forgotten. Because you don’t want to be reminded of me, of a time before ‘you’. You want and need to forget I even exist ,to make this precious child your own. I understand all of that but not thinking about me does not make me go away. Didn’t make me less real.Yes I understand but it doesn’t work, didn’t work because I was always here. Waiting and hoping and yes, praying that one day, I would see him again.The problem is, if a child doesn’t have the whole truth, he will grow up thinking there is something wrong with him. He may feel guilty that he wasn’t enough for his birth mum to keep him. That is so wrong. In my case, the guilt was all mine.
I bear you no ill. Of course I envy those wonderful years you shared, of my little boy growing up. All his milestones that I missed. Every single birthday for the first few years I sent a card. Every Christmas I bought gifts, that went to charity. If I heard his name called, I turned hoping. All to no avail. He was happy living with you and his dad and his sister. As you know I already had a daughter, one I love with all my heart. My son brought his own love but that wasn’t enough for me to keep him. We, my daughter and I, missed him so much in the early days and it was hard for her to understand. A difficult time for her, one that I had not really truly understood back then. So entrenched in my own pain and hurt.I went on to re marry and have another daughter and another son but sadly I lost him at birth.
But my life now is good. Not perfect, not without pain, but in all, good. The regrets of the past have to be put to bed and that is why I now have your photo, here on my desk. A photo of the lady who loved my son. The lady he called Mum and that is okay. That’s good.I will keep it always. Gratitude and love replace the jealousy and regret. As my husband always says, ‘we are where we are’. And where we are, is here. Today, not yesterday with its’ pain, its sadness, its guilt. I want to think of you and your family, our son, being happy in a love filled home. That helps the memories of the past, only a little, but helps.
I would love to have had the chance to say one thing to you. Thank you. Thank you for taking him into your home, your family. Thank you for giving him all you could. Thank you for loving him.I like to think that if you had received this letter, you would understand my need to write to you. So in my heart, I will pretend that you have. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Love from
Our son’s other mum. His birth mother.xx
For my readers,thank you for reading x
carolannwright 