I smiled today, I don’t remember when I last smiled but I smiled today.
Over the past 7 weeks, life has been fraught, scary and full of pain. Not the physical pain, at least not for me, but the deep pain of loss. It is said that when you suffer loss, maybe of a loved one, or an animal, you suddenly are thrust back into previous losses, maybe unresolved grief, I don’t know but I do know that it is true. March 22nd, as I wrote on here, I lost my beloved rescue pony Oliver. Did I grieve? Don’t think so because my little dog, Ellie Mae was poorly and my time and energy was taken up caring for her. As I have told you, Ellie sadly died 18th April, expected but no easier because of that.This past week, we have seen the loss of another much loved animal, pet, our huge but tiny, gentle but fierce,40 something mini stallion who thought he was a 17 hh horse. I know it will take time, I have so much unresolved grief that I need to deal with.I have seen how the remaining ponies are grieving and that in itself hurts. The barn is very quiet when they are in. The paddocks very empty. Horses grieve hard. His little mare, GiGi, is now in with the others but keeping away from them and staring up into his paddock, the one they shared. The 2 little boys, Casey and George Jones are lost and our beautiful Welsh mare is so sad and just standing about. They allow each other to grieve and I know they will recover.I wonder if they have memories? Of course they do. When we take on a rescue, we soon find the things they are afraid of, things man has made them fear. We have to teach them that they are safe and will never again be hurt or afraid. Sometimes we know a bit of their history, the rest, in their own way, they tell us. So yes, they will have memories and that is why they grieve. I just hope they remember their pals, Obi and Oliver with happy thoughts and that in some way, as they recover, that has helped them.
When we lose someone we love the pain can be unbearable, we think we will never smile again. The pain and grief can be all consuming, life can seem unbearable. I have experienced this many times , Tony my beloved brother, my big bear, my ‘Dad’, my best friend Mo, a sister and many many pets. I have read once again on my PC groups of ladies losing husbands and partners, children losing dads and others losing a loved one to this horrid disease that brought us all together. I am sad for them all and so thankful that we are through that now, that David survived the cancer with a little ‘c’ that I have written extensively about over the past few years. PC didn’t steal him from me but it did steal precious time, time wasted with worry and fear, both of us and others on here ,will have had that happen. We now know how important time is, how we need to make memories, for each other ‘just in case’. Memories to draw on at times we are sad, to help heal and comfort at very low times.The one you love may have gone but with memories made together, they are still where ever you are.
At first, looking at photos hurts, for me it was and at times still is, a physical pain in my tummy. It hurts so bad and nothing can make it go away in the early days and even sometimes now,looking at Tony’s photo, here on my desk, still hurts that way.As I quoted once before, ‘when those you love go away, you don’t get over it, you just get through it’.Sometimes it may be a song reminding you of your loss, a song that meant something to you both. It still does. It still can, the memory was made together, just because one of you is absent, doesn’t mean you can’t remember and smile,looking back at when the memory was made. Yes you may cry, and do you know what? That’s okay. But you might just smile.Sometimes there won’t be a trigger, a memory will just sneak into your mind and you will hurt at first but later you will enjoy and treasure.
It is the same with the loss of an animal you loved.The same with anything you have loved and lost. Some might say, comparing losing an animal to losing a loved one is wrong, but if you loved them as most of us do,then the loss can be the same. I loved my brother, my sister and those lost over the years and I loved every single animal in my care, all with the every fibre of my being. So why should the loss be different? Why should it feel less? It shouldn’t. I sometimes see clients who have ‘lost’ a person, an animal, even a possession or a job. All these things deserve to be grieved over in differing depths and ways. But they are all loss.
The other kind of loss, that I have written about in a previous blog, is the grief for someone still living. If you loved that person then losing them out of your life will cause you to grieve, sometimes in a harder, deeper way, than if they had died. No-one will ever know the pain I have every day, for the loss of my daughter and grandchildren through someone else’s lies and deceit. This grief can be harder because unlike death, the person you have lost,will be getting on with their lives with out you and that hurts so very much.
Turning pain away with the use of memory is a great healer. But those memories have to have been made to be able to do this. I have made memory boxes for my children, all of them. Photos, pictures, cards and poems they gave me, written and drawn by them. Special little toys forgotten by them but not by me. All safe in their memory boxes to have when I have gone. I have always done this, well since I was 20, when I left home. Everything I treasured as a child was torn up, burned or thrown out but thankfully my memories, sadly good and bad are safely tucked up inside of me. To remind myself of any good things that I have no material reminders of.I have also made a memory album for Lisa, from the fist day she was born, to remind her of our love, our life together, to remind her and to make the wrong she has been told, right. She will have that soon.I don’t need any of this, as the memories are all tucked away , as with every mum, in my heart.
I am still working through the grief for Tony, I will get there and am on the way, I know. I smiled today whilst thinking of the anniversary of losing Star, a memory came into my head of the first time Tony had ever ridden. Star was a wonderful patient tolerant horse and so I let Tony ride her through the woods. He looked so happy and enjoyed every minute. Lin his wife, Marie and David were all there, Marie was on Emrys our rescued race horse. When they came back, Tony beaming from ear to ear, decided to dismount, without help, on his own. But it was okay, he had ‘seen it in the cowboy films,’ Star had lived with us for 24 years, almost all of her life and was very confident and could usually pre-empt actions by the rider. Not this time. As he ‘dismounted’ he somehow ended up, under neath Star’s tummy. Or as far under a 15. 2 horse, a 6’2″man could get! We were all laughing so much we couldn’t help him, made worse, by Star turning her head, looking at him in disbelief.
So there you go, the power of memory. I smiled today.
Thinking about all the grief from these past weeks, is hard but memories of the others I have lost,are sneaking into my mind, who knows, maybe very soon they will make me smile as well.
So yes, we all suffer loss, pain, hurt and all, I hope have memories that will help us through the hard times. Queen Elizabeth said once that ‘Grief is the price we pay for love’, how true us that. With our animals, it is the only time they hurt us, when they leave. Was it all worth it? Would it have made me love any less? Would I have loved my daughter and my grandchildren any less, if I had known losing them the way I did, feeling the relentless pain would be so hard? Of course not. I would give that love willingly as I did, as we all do, even knowing that at some stage pain would come. I would do it all again in a heart beat. Why? Because without doing so, I wouldn’t have had the love, the times that were wonderful, happy with those I love, that helped make these wonderful memories that will help me through. Bringing me warmth on cold days. Comfort on sad days and help me heal on lost days. They are all safely locked in my memory box as they are for you all, to be drawn on when I need them. No-one can change them tarnish them or steal them. Some will hurt but some will make me smile.
Thank you for reading.x
carolannwright 