Well here we are, February 3rd, Tony’s birthday. Hard day, sad day. For those who have not read earlier blogs, Tony was my beloved brother. The only member of my birth family who cared about me as a little girl, although he knew nothing about the fear and pain I suffered at the hands of my abuser. I used to try to stay around with him because he was ‘mum’s favourite and I stupidly thought some of her love for him would rub off on me. Tony was the one family member who has always been there, through thick and thin as adults.He loved my daughters and helped me when Lisa was older and life became hard, he loved us both and made things right when they could have been so wrong. He shared my joy, especially when my first book was published and later after I had ‘told it all’ in my autobiography. Was so proud of me when I gained my Masters, he couldn’t stop smiling.He often acted like my parent but being my brother was all I wanted. Losing him was like losing part of me. Who would I now share early memories with? Who would understand when I spoke of our dysfunctional family.? Who would now actually have the ability to make me laugh at some of the things that had been so sad when we were young? No one. I no longer have my brother.
I can’t actually remember last year, February 3rd. I do remember thinking, just before his birthday, that I should have been choosing a present and card but was instead choosing flowers for his funeral. That just wasn’t right.It was so close to his goodbye, so close to accepting his going, although I am still not sure I have done that yet.The previous year, the year before he died had been a horrible time for him and for all of us who loved him. I have written about this in blogs before, not only because we knew he was dying but because he had been so horribly betrayed by ‘family’ members, in the cruelest of ways. His last year was spent worried about money stolen from him and concerned about his children having to pay for his funeral. All of this made that last year, when he should have been trying to rest and just ‘be’ within the cruel confines of cancer, so much harder.
Tony had been ill for a while and latterly in pain and this led, for me anyway, to confusion in my grief. I didn’t want him suffering, I would never want that but didn’t want him to go. I needed him here, wanted him here, loved him so much that couldn’t imagine how I would cope without having him in my life.I knew his illness couldn’t be cured, didn’t want him to linger in pain but didn’t want him to go. Selfish? Yes. But grief is selfish isn’t it. Through-out my life we would call each other when things were rough, when things went wrong, when we were scared, any time we felt we needed to. When David was diagnosed with Prostate cancer, I rang Tony. We also shared the good times, telling each other of lovely things that had happened, it wasn’t only the bad things we shared.At these times though,I don’t know how but he reassured me, comforted me and yes, made me laugh. He always had that ability. All of this when he was fighting cancer himself. So his dying was for me a huge blow. I just couldn’t imagine how that would feel. I do now.
Of course I am glad he is no longer hurting, no longer sick, confined to a bed, as he had been for many months. But. I wanted him here, as he had always been. Tony my big bear, my brother, my friend.I suppose I just wanted him back as he used to be, Making us all laugh, comforting us, speaking so much common sense and just being Tony. A great loss to all of those who loved him. So yes, selfish I suppose.
The first year after you lose someone close, someone you love, is the hardest, at least that is what I tell my clients. The ‘first’s’ of everything without them. My first birthday not having a phone-call. The first Christmas not searching for a gift and card for him, not ringing him to say Happy Christmas. His first birthday, at least for me,as I can’t remember the last one, a few days before we said goodbye to him last year, that I couldn’t ring and wish him a Happy Birthday. All the times I picked up the phone when something good happened, to tell him. The many times I just wanted to say Hello to my brother and still do this. All these times, when the mind plays tricks on me and I have momentarily forgotten , is like losing him all over again.I am pleased for him as I said, but heartbroken for me. How selfish is that! But as I said before, grief is selfish. We cry for ourselves most of the time.
Grief confuses me. When will it stop? Or maybe, when it will it begin? I am not sure I have grieved, at least not properly if there is such a thing.If what I teach is right, maybe now, with all the 1st anniversaries over, I will allow myself the right to do this. Maybe then life will return to a normal I can accept. A new normal, a new self as it says above. A Carol Ann without her brother.Tony would want that. He always told me when we spoke of his illness, his imminent death that ‘it’s okay love. I ‘m okay’. Well it wasn’t okay and I am not okay but I will try. As it says in the picture, I will try to find the new me, the one without my brother. Last year I lost 2 of the most important men in my life.2 men who influenced my life more than either of them knew. A horrid year.But I must think of myself as lucky, lucky to have had the love they gave and to have been able to love them as I did.
I hope, as my FB friend, the late Mark Bradford assured me, that there is a Heaven. I used to believe but lost my faith years ago, but I hope if there is such a place and that Tony is having a ball. That he is dancing and singing and making all of those who went before him, laugh, as only Tony could. Happy Birthday big bear and I will sign off this part with the words you always used just before leaving, or ending a phone call. Loves you x
The 2nd part as in the title.
The ‘F’ is back big time. I thought it had left me for good. I have worked hard at not worrying, not dwelling on things as I said last week but it’s back. It is time for David to have his 2 year PSA test. It is actually late, what with everything that has gone on ‘here on the farm’, the issues with my family, my daughter and latterly with my health, it was missed. We had both understood, incorrectly, that the hospital would contact us. How did we get that so wrong? I was looking through my old diaries and saw the date and realised we had missed it. Looking in David’s medical file I saw that the hospital had given us a blood form, to take to our GP to have the test done and then the hospital would inform us of the result. Remote monitoring apparently.How did we think differently? We must have been given this information. I must have put the blood report in David’s folder. How could we have ‘forgotten’ this information? I don’t know but we did. Now here’s the rub. After feeling my tummy, experience that all too familiar churning that came throughout David’s tests, diagnosis, surgery, I realised that our old ‘friend’ fear had returned. Losing Tony and then my ‘Dad, last year,having a poorly dog and poorly pony and then my being ill, we had somehow missed the date. Such a huge ‘miss’, such a huge mistake and I am confused as to how we missed it. Then I stopped in my tracks. An awful thought entered my head. Could it be that I didn’t want to remember? Could it be that I had cancelled cancer with a little ‘c’ out of our lives after being told that it had little chance of returning, as the margins were clear and the PSA so far had been undetectable? Did I become complacent, or over hopeful? Who knows. Or even worse. Am I that selfish? Was my own fear of losing the man I love, so strong that I was willing to push this out of my mind and pretend? How could that help him? Did we want to go back to the worry, the fear of having the test, the waiting time and then fearing the result? Of course we didn’t, don’t. But putting my head in the sand is not useful is it, so unlike me. I like to confront and deal with anything that threatens us as a family .I am ashamed to say that I am not sure how this happened, us missing the date and yes, wanting PC to be a thing in the past, is of course something I wanted, but the genuine ‘mistake’ on the dates and procedure, is so unbelievable and so not like us as a couple, just shows me the strain we have been under.But after discovering this error, what I do know, is that I was tempted to keep this new discovered knowledge to myself and that would have been so wrong.So tempted but didn’t and told David of what I had found.
After talking about how we could have got things so wrong, I left it to my husband to make the decision re having the test. As if there was a choice! David said he wondered if just leaving things as they are, not knowing but hoping for the best was the right thing to do.That it had entered his head to leave things as they were. I wanted to scream, ‘Yes, don’t have it. Leave it as it is. Don’t have another test’. My heart ruling my head. The fear of knowing, seemed worse than not knowing, so unlike me. I wanted to forget PC had ever touched our lives, haven’t we enough to deal with ?But I also knew that whatever he decided I would be there, at his side supporting him. Holding my breath and watching him, I heard him say, ‘make me another appointment love, I’ll have the test’. My heart sank. But it is his decision and I know in my heart really, the right one.So I will.
Cancer has stolen my brother last year as I have said earlier in my blog, it has stolen so many people in my life and so many lives of friends I have known and friends I have made on social media. Losing 2 of the most loved and important men in my life, this past year, I can’t lose THE most important man. So a test it is!
But what if it is raised? What if the cancer is back or still there? What if …….Yes the ‘what ifs’ are back with a vengeance. Whatever the result we will face it together. David, my rock and me.I found my old self last week, having had the health scare, the strong Carol Ann and I need to find her and keep her here. As for worrying, where does that get you? No where except ill. I know that for a fact, so will not worry until I have something to worry about. Then I will use every bit of resolve I have to not worry then either. So watch out Fear, you will not win!
Note:
For those of you grieving , take as long as you need. Don’t let anyone hurry you. Take out the memories of your loved one and cherish them, let them comfort you. Don’t deny them because they hurt. Yes they will but eventually they will heal. I make this mistake but from today, I will remember and smile. I was lucky to have the love of Tony and you were lucky to have the love you had with your husband/partner/ loved one.No-one had steal your memories.
As for facing the unknown, the fear of what if: the love you share will see you through.
Thank you for reading x
carolannwright 