Christmas last year was a bit of a struggle, I can admit that now. But it was good, quiet, scaled down but good. We had sick animals and I acknowledged that I was not up to par and so kept thing slow key. I hadn’t realised how unwell I was, unwell and sad. This was to be the first Christmas when I couldn’t ring Tony, my brother or my ‘Dad’. I couldn’t get my brother out of my mind, we were approaching the first anniversary of his death and the Christmas before we had all been waiting for cancer to steal him from us. A horrid time and association is a strong force, everything I did for the ‘silly season’ reminded me of the year before. I knew I was struggling with my own grief, anticipatory grief for my dogs and a sick pony, but unaware of just how low I had become.
A few days after the 4th January, the date of the anniversary of Tony’s death, I had to relent and see my GP. A few days later I saw an out of hours doctor who diagnosed pneumonia, and added to the antibiotics and steroids I had already started, ones kept at home as a rescue pack because of my having brittle Asthma. He gave me other meds to drain off the fluid in my lungs and chest and said I had to go home to bed.I was feeling awful at this stage but didn’t want to go to hospital because of leaving my sick dog.Not because I didn’t think any one else could care for her but because, as she is living on borrowed time and I have promised her I would be there at the end.But 2 days later, after a night of not being able to breathe in or out, even after using a nebuliser hourly,I was rushed to hospital very ill.
After receiving excellent care in Hospital and being monitored 24/7, receiving intravenous antibiotics, steroids and other medicines, I was told that my Asthma was out of control. My peak flow that should be around 370 was less than 100. A warning sign that I had not taken notice of, didn’t have the time!I had been using my reliever everyday, many times and had not thought it was Asthma, didn’t feel the same but I was told by the consultant, that was because it had crept up on me over the years and the condition had become chronic, my everyday, my norm. This all made so much sense, the reason for my tiredness, my lethargy and feeling generally not right. Why didn’t I see it? Maybe I didn’t give myself time to think about it, think about me. Too busy trying to reunite my family, worry about David, my animals etc. I don’t know.
I was seen by the top respiratory consultant and asked if anything had changed of late, my life style etc. If the symptoms had been with me for a long time. If I had had any stress or worry of late. If I could have spoken, I would have asked ‘how long have you got’? But I was too ill and breathless to speak, so David spoke for me. He told the doctor of the worry and stress of the past few years, family stuff, not in detail just that we had been through a lot via family, my eldest daughter and sister, losing my contract, estranged from my grandchildren. David having Prostate cancer and a few of the deaths we, as a family, had suffered. He told them of my being rushed to A&E just before his surgery,where they found the blocked artery in my neck. They had also said at that time,that I was very stressed and some of my symptoms suggested that. David said he had seen me fading and had mentioned seeing our GP but as I went every week for blood tests, he thought they would say something. The consultant said that stress in someone with lungs like mine could cause a great deal of damage, being tense puts a strain on your heart and lungs. He felt that everything that has happened had worn me down, slowly affecting my lungs and my immune system without my realising it. I knew myself how I felt, how all of the past few years had rendered me low, weak and feeling broken. I have written of that on here, in my blog. Emotional heartache can be dangerous, as can unresolved grief, we internalise these feelings and that takes a toll on out physical being. I knew all of this in my client work but had ignored what was happening to me. I had written at the end of last year, on these pages, that I would not do this anymore, that I would put myself first, no longer allow others to affect my life or my well-being. But the damage was too far gone by then.I am now under his care and will soon be having more tests on my lungs and a plan made for the future.
During my illness, from which I am still recovering, I began to realise that life is not governed by the stars etc. That even to some extent, is not governed just by me. In my life, things that have happened, things I have done, decisions I have made have always been influenced by and sometimes determined by others. As child I was controlled by the woman they called my mother. Leaving me in danger with little and mostly no protection or love. Leaving me with life long legacies detrimental to my well-being.
As a Mum my children were my priority, my consideration in any decision I made and rightly so. I worked where I could and sacrificed very good jobs that would have taken me away from them, something I could never have done. Mum’s do this, or rather good mum’s do this without question or regret. My girls always came first.So thinking of them determined where life took me.
All of our lives we do things to please family, friends and sometimes society. My mistake is that I have always allowed others to influence me too much, I have always been afraid of upsetting people, seeming selfish, when really that’s what I should have been many times. Recently, or rather the past few years, I have spent so much energy fighting for my good name against libel that was being spread about me. Reacting to the actions of others instead of responding as a better person.Too much time, trying to get my family back on track and since losing Tony and seeing things in a different light, trying hard to make things right with my eldest daughter and grandsons, that I have rendered myself very low and very sick. I had tried and tried to have her back in our family where she belongs, at first I thought we were going to be okay, and then I pushed it too far. My birth family are now back where they should be, just as Tony had always wanted, part of my family. But needing too much, in her eyes, from my daughter, has left us still estranged. I just needed to know why she had done the things she had done, how she could do those things as she was now telling me how she loved and missed me.She couldn’t do this as there was no reason but I do understand, that all the lies she and her aunt have told everyone they knew, about me, how hard, almost impossible for this breach to be mended. Without admitting all the lies told, it can’t happen. The difference today is, I know this. I almost understand it, don’t like it but understand it and must now accept it.It breaks my heart as it is so wrong and so shouldn’t have happened, but I have to live with that. In order to rebuild myself, my health, my self-worth, I have to let it go.
Maybe I thought I was invincible. What I did know was I was too busy worrying to be ill. Too much to think about, try and put right. How wrong. How stupid.
So to the reason for today’s blog.
For those of you who know the stress and worry, the sadness,anger and hurt, that illness such as the one we all are part of, Prostate cancer with a little c, can give us, I want to offer some suggestions, not advice as I should not presume to do that but some suggestions. Nurse, care for and look after your man, give him everything you are capable of giving him but please don’t neglect yourself in the process. You are no good to him if , like me, you render yourself ill. Whatever the outcome of this nasty disease, acknowledge how it has affected you. How life might have changed. Acknowledge grief for part of your life you may have lost. Whilst doing this, love your man through it all and give yourself some self care.A bit of advice I was given in training, about this, helping others. Make sure you have your own oxygen mask on before you try to place one on the person you are caring for. Otherwise it might be too late and you both could perish.Love your man but also love yourself. PC affects us both the same amount, just in different ways.
For any of you and I know there are some, who have been badly treated by others, especially by family, tell yourself that they way they hurt you, says more about them and their lives than it says about you and yours.
For those who have people they love, walk away, walk out of your life, don’t make yourself ill by trying to make sense of it all, to try and find the ‘why’ or the ‘how’. Most of the time they don’t have either. Let them go. If they want to come back in, you will be there but in a better place if you stop trying. If they don’t want to come back, there is nothing you can do about it, accept and move on.Don’t keep trying to make something right that only you want. You will just make yourself ill.
Lastly, for anyone grieving or needing to grieve, give yourself time. Allow your tears, your sadness, your anger and hurt. Vent, shout, scream and cry as much as you need until all the grief is spent. Unspent grief can cause untold damage. Don’t feel guilty when you first laugh again, first smile, first time you actually enjoy something. Don’t let grief steal any more than it has to. There is no set time. Grief will take as long as it takes.
Finally, for all reading this, we need to value ourselves more, not by how others see us but for who we are, only we really know that, who we are I mean. We need to appreciate how others, how life can hurt us, cause us pain and sadness, all part of life. All mostly out of our control but we can control how we react.It’s all part of what makes us human. Unresolved grief, pain, hurt and anger will only be forced inside of us and cause us even more damage. Let’s not allow that, we are all worth so much more.The most important thing we need to remember,or I need to remember more than most, something this illness has brought home to me is this. The here and now is all we have. Stop looking back, worrying about tomorrow, let’s just live and enjoy today.Look after you and don’t let anything prevent you from doing that. It is not selfish, it is essential.For those we have loved and lost, we swill always have our memories and no one can steal those from us.
Thank you for reading x
carolannwright 