Well here we are again, approaching the ‘silly season’ and my feelings are all over the place. Buying family cards a few days ago I picked one up for Tony, my brother and worked very hard on not allowing the tears to fall. Every time I do something like this, it is the sudden realisation and as though he had just died, all over again. I abandoned my shopping and came home feeling a little lost. Tony has been there all of my life and this year he won’t be. No visiting and giving him gifts, taking him a little tree or Christmas cake, nothing. Writing my list a few days previous to this, I was overcome with sadness, pain and grief. Losses this year have been many, family members especially, the first Christmas without buying for or visiting my ‘Dad’. Oh how I regret the times I would say how difficult these two men were, to buy for. How I would love to be trawling the net, walking the pavements, searching for that special present for them both. Sadly I can’t. In my work, I tell clients that the first year would be the hardest. The first birthday, Christmas, any anniversary of the person loved and lost would be so hard the first year. I do hope I am right, that this is true because I don’t want to feel this way in the years to come. So much is missing at this busy but usually happy time, buying for them, organizing our trip down to Hampshire,visiting them, ringing them both on Christmas morning. How glad I am that I did these things. How happy it made me and hopefully them.
Tony my beloved brother as some will know, had been in the final stages of lung cancer, this time last year. A horrible time made worse by betrayal of family that I have mentioned in earlier blogs. I can’t forgive those who caused him this pain, making his last year, a year he should have spent doing things he loved instead of worrying about the money taken and how his family would pay for his funeral. Right to the end he was gracious. Hurt, let down and angry yes but remained steadfast in trying to put things right. He never understood how some people could steal from him and betray him when he had trusted them. This filled that whole year, his last year, after he had been told by doctors and knew he was running out of time. Every phone call, every visit, he would talk about it because he never understood how or why. Neither do I. He fought so hard to stay with us but the cancer was stronger and although he made it to Christmas and we chatted on the big day, January stole him from me and we said goodbye. So this Christmas will be hard. But I have happy memories of times past, and have photos and will place one under our tree and light a Christmas candle for him on the day. I will endeavor to be happy for him.
I knew it would be hard this year, because of the losses above but had hoped a few months ago, that there would be a plus in my life. A ‘happy’. I had hoped that I would have my family back, my daughter and my grandchildren. I dared to hope but these hopes were dashed, leaving me very sad and confused. But. I will do what I have done for the past years, five Christmas’s. I will buy a present for Harrison my eldest grandson, one for Jordan, my youngest and one for Hannah, my grand-daughter and wrap them up in Christmas paper as usual. I will take them to the Salvation Army. I will, as usual, write the age groups the gifts are suitable for, what they are and they will make sure ‘children’ of the same age receive these gifts. Not what I want to do really but since being denied the ability to give my grandchildren gifts, others will benefit and that make me happy. I had already began to create my daughter’s special Christmas present , when we were talking a few weeks ago and will continue with this but not send it. It won’t be well received but I will carry on with it and one day, she will have it.
I will also light a candle for Mark Bradford, one of the group members who showed me so much kindness and I will continue to place the pendant he made me, under my pillow. But this year, for the Christmas season, it will hang on my tree. Thankyou Mark. I know you will be singing your heart out in Heaven.
Another ‘sad’ I can hear you say but No. Just saying it as it is, as promised when I began this blog a few years ago. It is sad , the losses and the pain but I won’t let it take over as it has done in the past. These past years have had more than enough sadness and hurt Thankyou. No. I have far too much going on ‘here on the farm’ to let that happen. A week ago, after managing to previously persuade David to get help with major projects, I made a very sad discovery and one I need all my strength and love to make right. We have had someone clear some of our land and now have organized help with our mud room. In the past, David has built a house, alongside of his fulltime position with the MOD. Renovated 3 homes, built stables and a barn, twice, taken care of the land and horses ‘here on the farm’, built a utility room and more. Since his operation he has not had the strength to do such things and found it hard to tell me this. I have done all I can to reassure him with love and support. But a week ago, as I said, we were talking about the mud room and he said that although he thought I was right, that the loss of testosterone had left him weak and he could do nothing about that, he felt ashamed, embarrassed and weak. I was mortified. He is one of the strongest men I know. It doesn’t just take physical strength to be a man, he is my rock. So now, especially with the coming of Christmas and the Winter, I need to step up and let him know how much I love him, how he is still my man and so what if we have to get help in, so what. Many do this who don’t really need to . As I said last week, he is now my priority and I aim to restore his belief in himself .This horrid legacy of the disease, cancer with a little ‘c’ , that barged in uninvited and trampled all over our lives, will not stay around I promise that! His physical strength might not be as it was but his belief in himself will be restored. My job.
David has never been ill and so when PC came into our lives, at a time when we had endured a horrible few years courtesy of my ‘family, leaving me in a very low place,it was even more a shock to him. Me, I am the proverbial ‘creaking gate’, my health has never been good and I am used to doctors, illness, hospitals etc. but my man wasn’t and as I said, it all came as a shock but he dealt with it with courage, determination and humour. I had minor surgery a couple of weeks ago and now have an issue re that, so once again, I need to concentrate on us here, enjoy my memories, love those around me. Yes I will shed tears on the day I know I will because some I love are missing, but I need to remember the good times and the happy times.That is what they would want. As a child, Tony loved Christmas. He was the precious pup and those of you who have read my book, will know how Christmas’s were for me. I think my love of giving came from not receiving much as a little girl and learning to enjoy watching ,my siblings, especially Tony, open their gifts. As adults, we as brother and sister were very close, our siblings were not and Tony and Georgina were the ones I would ring on special days. Both no longer here. So yes tears will fall but I will also laugh, smile and share happy memories around the tree. Marie, talking of happy childhood memories of her and her sister Lisa opening pressies and finding they had everything asked for. How my little dog Pepper hated the crackers and so we took the bangers out.Me buying a bicycle for Marie and trying to ‘wrap’ it. Then when she ‘found it’ her disappointment as it was ‘the wrong kind’!! Lisa’s anger at her sister, as she had known how hard I had found getting the money for presents as a one parent family. The girls coming home from school with cards made by themselves, whispering in corners and giggling as they arranged ‘surprises’ for me, their mum. As adults, filling my stocking with pretty, usually glittery little gifts and enjoying a lovely Christmas dinner, made by me. Lisa’s first engagement on Christmas day, and her future husband’s dog eating the cake I had made them.Happy times. I will always cherish those times.Lovely happy memories and they will continue to be in my heart along with the new ones made this year.
The most important thing about this year, a real happy and one I am so grateful for, is that I still have David. Who knows how it might have been if things had not gone as they have. I often sit and think how lucky we are and remember those who will find this Christmas so hard. Those who have lost husbands, partners or men in their family. I will think of you all at this time and say, its actually okay to be sad. Cry your tears, feel your grief and then perhaps it won’t seem all consuming. Love to you all.
I made a decision last week to come back. The strong happy Carol Ann and I will do that. Even the strong are allowed to cry sometimes. Enjoy your build up to this magical time where ever you are and with whoever you are with. Remember to love them, share with them and enjoy.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 