It’s funny isn’t it, how we mess up our minds, with the image of how we envisaged our lives to be, at any one time with the reality, at that point, of how it really is. I always thought that reaching this time in my life, I would have all the things that others appear to have. I say appear to have, because I have recently discovered, from friends on here who write to me, that there are many of us, who are not where we would have chosen to be, at this time in our life. Having 2 loving daughters, I suppose I had hoped that in my dotage, I would be surrounded by grandchildren and others and for a while I was. Not surrounded but I had 2 beautiful grandsons who are now no longer in my life. Through no fault of mine but because of lies and stories told about my life.They should still be here, as part of my family ‘here on the farm’. Not literally but still part of this family and in my heart they are, in my heart but not physically. I have a grand-daughter, a child I have only seen on Skype when she was a baby, but still my granddaughter. Sadly, my youngest daughter lost the only baby she will have and that is till hurting.This is brought home to me at times like last Monday, my birthday. Don’t get me wrong,I was spoiled, by David, Marie and Jason, sent beautiful flowers by a loving niece and gifts from friends and other family. And a call from my son, that meant so much. I should have been happy and yes I was and am but that ‘something’ , the family I made and have missed for 6 years now, was evident that day.
I think it was worse this year because for a while, in the past few weeks, I had hoped life would recover from the evil that had been spread by a family member, all of the lies, as the family now know, are lies, but the damage has been done. I never ever believed mud sticks but I think perhaps it does’ even when the mud has no substance. Especially when no one has asked me how it was, or heard my side of the story so to speak,. The lies are told, the stories repeated and then maybe there is no going back. How do you suddenly turn round to your children, your friends and say ‘actually I lied, none of what I said was true.’ How do you undo all the harm you have done? It can be done if you are a big enough person, you can say ‘I was wrong’. Then the repairs could begin. But if you have lived within that lie for many years and embellished it at every opportunity, it must be hard to backtrack. But it can be done, I am sure. But it wasn’t and I am the only person hurting from that. So Monday, my birthday was not as good as it should have been. But that is the last sad day I will have. I have made up my mind to be happy and I will. I have tried hard to put things right but failed but today, see that as a failure, not of my making but of my daughter’s. Yes we should love our kids no matter what, make allowances for them making a misjudgment, hurting us etc. and I love all of mine, always will but we are often not afforded the same ‘right’. If our kids hurt us, make us angry, sad, scared, we are expected to let it go and move on and I was willing to do that, once I understood the ‘whys’. But if we as much as say, one word out of line, sometimes our children hold that against us for the rest of their lives and ours. That is sad. Futile. Wasteful and silly. We are after all, fallible human being as they are. I have said sorry for allowing my need for honesty to be used against me, more times than I can remember. But no more. This will be the last birthday I spend, wishing things were different. I am running out of time and need to concentrate on those here who love me.
I have been TOLD not to write on my blog anything that is about how my life is if it involves family. I promised from the very first blog, explaining my reasons for writing an open, honest blog, telling it ‘as it is’, and am not about to change. I have lost 6 years of family, six years of being dictated to how I should use social media, my personal blog. It would not be real if I exclude everything that has happened. I am a great believer, that if someone wants you to write good things about them, then they should have behaved better in your life. Maybe you think that wrong, but sadly many readers identify with my life and in a way, that saddens me. If people don’t want to read my blog they can always scroll past or not open it.
I wrote a while ago, about wasting time, losing time to regrets, wishes, dreams of a complete family but no more. I need to tell myself that enough is enough. All through David’s Prostate cancer I was being ‘bullied’ on social media by ‘family’ but we survived. It was, as you will all know, a painful, scary, fearful time, full of the ‘what ifs’ and at times, it was overpowering. The early blogs, for 2 years told of my struggles both with PC and family ‘nasties’. How much easier it would have been with the love and support from all of my family. I hope he is through this horrid illness now, that he will stay well but none of us know what will come either storming into our lives or creep in the back door, as cancer with a little ‘c’ did. During this awful time, I was maligned, bad mouthed, on every SM site at every opportunity and it hurt but I was willing to move on from it all, to have my family back in my life. That is not going to happen because there has been no remorse, no sorries, nor regrets and everything that was said, apparently was meant. So that would make me a very stupid woman to continue to try to make it right wouldn’t it! I have been rebuked, told off and threatened on social media and intend from today, to ignore all of it. I have tried my best even after all the hurt dished out to me, to make things right and it won’t happen. I need now to make sure our lives are happy ‘here on the farm’. We have lost 4 siblings between us, David and I, these past few years, plus good friends and my ‘dad’. It’s time I looked after those I love, the ones who want and accept me, accept my love, my life, warts ‘n all and not keep hankering after a past that has to remain there, in the past, in spite of my continuous efforts.
Today, we have had some positive news about one of my ponies who has been very unwell, Oliver has lost weight and is ridding his body of the toxins that have made him ill. Metaphorically I suppose,that is what I am doing, ridding myself of toxins. Summer Sky , another of our charges is doing well now. Little Ellie Mae is still here, still fighting cancer and showing bags of attitude as usual and our little old man Cody, deaf and partially sighted is as happy as he always was.
I have just had an email, that David’s best friend is coming over from Australia in the Spring to spend a few months here so that is something happy to look forward to. Life is changing and it is all about how we see it, how we respond and don’t react and this is the beginning or a ‘happy’.
I am back to writing now, book three is on the way and am also working on ‘My Prostate cancer journey, by a forgotten victim’ (working title). We are getting our home up to scratch to hopefully put it on the market in the early Summer, late Spring. On to new beginnings. I will continue to blog on here, mostly life as it is here ‘on the farm’ and snip-its about my PC journey, my perspective.
The past will now be archived.
The present is good and will no longer, for all of our sakes here, be speckled with sadness and regret and hankering after those who choose not to be part of our family
The future will be what it will be and we will face it together, with love, laughter and happiness. Watch this space.
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 