This is my first blog for a few weeks. Grieving for my ‘dad’ brought back unresolved grief for me, for my brother. Along with the anticipatory grief for my little dog that I have spoken of in my blogs, I have felt so down, that writing wasn’t happening. Association is a strong force and losing Dad took me back to January this year when my beloved brother Tony lost his fight against cancer. I thought I was okay with it now but no, I have been so down, so low and sad that it was as though they had both died together, yesterday. I know that is what grief can do, I have studied it in all it’s forms and work with it in my professional role, so I know and should have expected it. But I didn’t and I wasn’t ready. When Dad first died, I picked up the phone to speak with Tony, I still do this often. It hurts just as much and is always what happens, as though the realisation of my loss is new. Losing him all over again. It will stop but not until I have let it all go. Could be some time.
But here I am back once more and blogging today about something David and I didn’t think about, have much idea about but we should have. Ignorance is bliss they say, we understood and were ready for the side effects of having removal of his prostate gland, it was what he wanted and I agreed, get rid of the cancer and try to get back to a normal of some kind. I have blogged over the years about a new norm. A new way of loving. I have written about the changes that occur after such surgery, the ones we were warned about and how we are coping. In a blog a few months ago, I wrote about learning a new way of loving, a different but strong way of being together, feeling grateful that my wonderful husband is still alive, still here with us. That was enough. Yes we had missed the physical love we had had before but that wasn’t important. He has healed, has no continence issues and as for the rest, well things are improving. So why am I talking about this today? Because the picture above, was how I saw David yesterday. My once strong, capable man, who could turn his hand to anything, who was strong and could throw bales of hay over his shoulder like they were bags of feathers, working outside in the fields until the sun went down, is the man in the photo. This is who I saw yesterday , sad, tired and dejected after trying to move some trees that had come down. You don’t know how sad that makes me. Breaks my heart. I can understand recent days, when he seems frustrated, sad, angry with something, even a bit depressed, when he realises that he can’t actually work as he used to. That maybe having a break is not a waste of time but taken out of necessity. I understand but that doesn’t make it any easier and I know it certainly doesn’t for him. David worked as a senior Civil Servant in charge of hundreds of men, white collar work most of the time unless he had to go to sea, or oversee projects. But meeting me took him into a world that was foreign to him, full of horses, ponies, children, fields, stables and mud. Gone were his suits, gone his designer shoes and in came the wellies, the waterproofs and the pitchforks! At the same time, we have moved a few times, David and I renovating each home and am still doing that today. He took it all in his stride, never complained and told me he was in his element, ‘nothing like hard work to make me feel good’ he would say and having the added joy of getting to know the animals we have taken on, was the bonus for this man who never even even owned a Goldfish! Nothing was too much for my man. There was nothing he couldn’t do. Clever, intelligent and strong. My David. My rock.
I know he is still there, still the man I married but now he is not up to doing some of the things he always had. We have had to get people in to cut trees and clear the ponds. Someone to mow the great expanses of grass we have ‘here at the farm’. He has even given in, ‘to help a young man trying to start a business’, he said and we now have a window cleaner. Losing his Prostate gland has left his hormones depleted we knew that, but it meant he would or could be cancer free, a small price to pay we thought. But now, because he doesn’t feel as physically strong, he is upset and feels less of a man. We had discussed this feeling around the side effects of ED and incontinence and both agreed that it wouldn’t change him, change us. We hadn’t even thought about this other side effect, the loss of strength. I know it is normal, but how we didn’t consider it before is beyond me. We would have discussed it then but it didn’t cross our minds. Stupid? Maybe but it didn’t.It doesn’t matter to me, we will continue to get help where we need it but I can see what is is doing, has done to David. Every evening now, instead of being chatty and still full of energy, he is tired and falls asleep on the sofa more often than not. I only know he is frustrated because he is a bit short-tempered at times and they are always times where he has felt unable to do something, leaving him lacking, in his mind, someway.
I married a handsome strong amusing kind man 31 years ago. We married because we loved each other. Because of our track record, we were told it wouldn’t last. I love him today more than when we married. He says the same to me. Not only has he been my rock, but my best friend. Goodness knows he has put up with a lot since we got together. In recent years, the family stuff, he has been my safety, my sanity and my comfort. Throughout the years, he has put up with everything my family has thrown at me, all the problems others brought to our door, all without a word of complaint. He has encouraged me, believed in me when I wanted to retrain and went to Uni. Supported me when I wrote my autobiography and that was a difficult time for my family, as I closed myself off to revisit my past. His support was always there, willing me to continue on days I felt I couldn’t. He never allowed me to give up, even on the days I felt I would. As someone who doesn’t usually cry, when I did eventually let go, he held me for many hours, over and over again while I cried at hurt I have felt. Always there. Always strong. He has worked incredibly hard to provide us here, with everything we needed and almost everything we wanted ,for years and years. All in a quiet, kind and generous way. He is indeed a wonderful man. My strong man.
So today, sitting here writing this I am sad. Not for me but for David. I know how it feels to have to stop doing things you have always done. To have to accept you have limits, I found this out a few years ago when I was quite poorly. We shouldn’t be surprised but we are. He has been told he is cancer free, he has not been sent for, for further blood tests and that is wonderful. So cancer with a little ‘c’ has lost its fight with us. But this new legacy, one we were not expecting, didn’t think about, wasn’t ready for, has been a shock for us both .We should have seen it coming, expected it but we didn’t. So we are now having to try to adjust to it. I will never let David feel less than a man, less than the amazing man I married. That’s my job now. My role is to make him happy every day, make sure he knows I find him handsome, sexy and wonderful as I always have. We will both acknowledge his limits and concentrate, as I have to, on the things he can do and delegate those he can’t. Not easy but do-able.
One thing we have used throughout the PC journey is humour. I seem to have forgotten that these past weeks but will find it again and use it as and when I need. It is something David and I have always used. Something I taught my daughters to use, ‘if you can learn to laugh at yourself, it doesn’t hurt when others laugh at you’, the words of the late Marti Caine.
So cancer, you may have changed us, our way of life but you haven’t beaten us. You will never beat us! If you have the audacity to return, we will be ready for you and fight, as hard as we have done through these past years. We may not be physically as capable, or strong, yes ‘we’ but we have our strong lasting love and the power to handle anything life throws at us, so do your worst! Me and my man, who is strong is so many ways, stronger than anything or anyone who tries to destroy us, you are wasting your time.
Thankyou for reading x
I hope I am x
carolannwright 