The whole world seems to be experiencing unusual frightening weather. Hurricanes stronger than usual. Storms worse than ever before. Rain that has sent horrendous mudslides and flooding. Stormy weather more destructive than usual. I feel for anyone involved in any of this and my heart goes out to anyone who has lost a loved one, wherever they are. For me, different kinds of storms are present, are far closer to us, ‘here on the farm’, much more personal. Physically not as nasty but here all the same. I feel like I have been riding a storm for many years.
Before 2012 life was good, happy but May of that year, the storm clouds came thundering in and cast a black shadow over us bringing lasting torrential rain. Life changed that Spring and has never recovered, well not for any length of time. May 31st 2012,saw me say goodbye to my wonderful horse of 26 years, Evening Star. I was devastated and at an all time low. I shared this with friends on Social media. Sadly this brought about the beginning of a nightmare I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I have documented the nasty hoax by a young woman, who read this on my author page, a wicked damaging hoax that I suffered for 6 months, 24/7 , in earlier blogs. From that time on, I feel I have been under the storm clouds, seeing them in their darkness and feeling their rain, over and over. The death of a best friend, the estrangement of my eldest daughter and her family, lies fueled by a wicked relative, the loss of my life’s work, family deaths, and then my beloved David having cancer,all leaving me broken, as storms leave storm damage, never the same after the events.
Maybe I was lower than I had realised, a few years after 2012, worn down, because the clouds continued to gather from then on and when David was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer, they gathered force and had a field day. Back then I could see those clouds, feel the rain but that has changed. But back then,they were real, almost tangible as anyone going through PC will know. I have written about the darkest gloom, that accompanies us on the journey some of us traveled, unwillingly, but having no choice. All the waiting, all the fear and all the sadness. I often look at my husband and everything I felt back then returns in waves of panic. The ‘what ifs’ are back and I am weighed down with the hugeness that has happened and can’t seem to stop it at times. I feel ashamed, David is okay, his PSA is undetectable and they haven’t sent for further tests believing he is ‘cured’. But because the past 6 years have been so horrendous, pain, loss, sadness, fear are all there, have been waiting in the wings and rush onto my stage at any opportunity, I expect the worst, fear the worst. I read of the sadness of wives and partners whose husbands have not been so lucky, some who have died, some who are dying and I feel so much for each and every one of them. I am then engulfed in guilt for seeming ungrateful, but I am not, even if it appears I am. ‘There but for the grace of God…..’
As I have said, back then, I could see the clouds but now I only feel the rain but I know they are there, even on calm days,I can feel the oppressive heaviness in my world, in my head and in my heart. These past weeks have found me sad, hurting and feeling full of regret. 2018 has stolen two of the most important men in my life. January my brother and friend, Tony and this past week, the man I was honoured to have been asked to call ‘Dad’. I miss them both so much and just wish Heaven had a phone-line so that I could call and talk to them. I wasn’t able to see either of them to say goodbye and that pains me beyond words.
What makes it worse, is that I know the storm of death is not over and that these next few weeks, months, will bring the loss of my much-loved dogs and possibly my cat. Other animal lovers will understand this, my dogs and cats are part of our family and very important parts. It hasn’t happened yet but everyday brings it nearer. Ellie Mae is 10, Cody is 13 and Luther is 17, so I should expect it shouldn’t I? But that doesn’t make it easier or better, believe me. Ellie is not sleeping but otherwise okay, she has the ‘c’ word and is on borrowed time. Cody is tired and has hearing and sight loss but is again, okay. They are not aware of what is to come but I am. I know, sadly, what is waiting in the wings, I pray that it will be peaceful and fear free for both of them, when the time comes and I will be with them both at the end. I and am spending as much time with them as I can. I have to be the strong one here. Hard, almost impossible but necessary, so I will.
We knew Tony was leaving us and I think my ringing him every day was a way of holding on, as though if I kept ringing, the inevitable wouldn’t happen. I spoke with him on the phone, every day, right up to the day before he died. I did the same with my sister Georgina, in the weeks before I lost her. During this time, our friend Mark Bradford was dying, he had told us and prepared us, and we all knew that the message from Sharon would come but when it did, it was still a painful revelation. We knew a couple of weeks ago that Dad, (I have explained how I came to call him Dad , in earlier blogs,) was going to lose his fight but even knowing it will happen, does not lessen the shock of the call that gave me the news. Waiting, anticipating, dreading these calls, messages etc. can leave us in a very low place, still not ready to hear the news. I know it has taken its toll on me. You are never prepared, I wasn’t prepared for any of the calls that brought this final news, that each of them had died. The rain came then. It was as though I had been living under storm clouds for each of these loved ones illness’s. Waiting for the storm to come and finally bring refreshing rain. Well the storm broke but the rain is still anything but refreshing. Life is now grey, sometimes black. I seem to have been waiting and waiting , for bad news for years now. Anticipating it, anticipating death, grief, loss and sadness. So it goes on. Sadly, I do lots of that today.
I find myself picking Ellie up and hugging her, for it seems, hours, she is very patient with me, not as she usually is, wanting to get down and play. We call her a Shih tzu with attitude, only doing what she wants in her time, but not now. She allows me this privilege, to hug her, unaware that my hugging her is trying to stop it from happening. As if holding her in my arms, death will not be able to steal her away. I couldn’t do that with Tony or Dad, whatever makes me feel I can do it for her or Cody? I tell myself, ‘for goodness sake Carol Ann, if you were a client, you would prepare them for the finality of what was coming’. I know that! Really I do but as I have said many times, physician heal thyself doesn’t work.
So here I am , in my study, listening to the rain and wind, if I look out of my windows I can see the clouds that are bringing the storms out there but still cannot see my inner clouds, not yet, don’t want to yet. Give me a little more time please, is in my prayers every night. I don’t do the ‘what ifs’ with my little dogs because it isn’t what if, but when that worries me. In the past the ‘what ifs’ have had a field day, optimism having little or no chance. Now it definitely has no chance.
Now I feel the rain behind my eyes and in the lump in my throat, all the time. I look at my sleeping dogs, who have given me 13 wonderful loyal loving years and am overwhelmed with love. I look at photos of Tony and ache to talk to him, to hug him and now, today I just want one more conversation with my ‘Dad’. The realisation that I can’t is too immense for words.
But
The rain can’t go on forever can it?
The clouds will be blown away by Autumn winds, won’t they?
What does that leave?? Sunshine I hope. My inner sun is so distant that I can’t even remember feeling it but I will, won’t I?
I know I need to be patient, a different kind of waiting, this time for a happy or better. I need to wait and anticipate and look forward to sunshine…. but it is hard.
There is a light on the horizon, I now have some of my family back in my life, not in the way it was but back a little way and that is better than before. I will try hard to concentrate on that and everything that is happening here ‘on the farm’. Try and see the light, the sun that is hopefully hiding behind the clouds and then, maybe, just maybe the clouds will go away.
Thank you for reading xx
carolannwright 