I don’t know about you, but as a young woman, I had a picture in my mind of how life was going to be when I was older, when I reached this time in my life. Of course I didn’t know what the future held but it certainly didn’t have the twists and turns my life has taken. Back then, it was a mix of excitement and fear, as anything new usually is. But now a days, I seem to be lacking the excitement. I look at the picture in my head of how life would be for me and those I love, at this time of my life and see no resemblance to the reality that is my today. Well I suppose that’s a little harsh, I do see a little but the picture has been smudged and worn in such a way that I can’t really see it anymore. Just the outline, using my imagination, I can visualize the original but it I hard.
None of us knows, when painting this picture, how outside influences will re shape it’s very essence. It is no longer a bright vision, no longer full of promise of tomorrows, because life has changed it, sometimes to form a completely different picture from the original. This isn’t how it was meant to be. The image in my head was one of peace, family, children, quiet calm and contentment. A few years ago, it was just that, so maybe I am being unfair. Back then, before 2013, I could see the future, see where we would be at this time of our lives. Healthy, happy, sharing everything we had with those we love. But life had other plans and here I am, saying; this is not how it’s supposed to be. But for a while, I believed in what my heart had put into my head, life was good and had been for a many years, so I suppose I just thought that would continue and today, the picture in my mind would reflect what I had today. But no, it doesn’t. It’s been contaminated by people, illness, outside influences that I was powerless to stop.
On marrying David, 31 years ago, on the 8th September, my life changed, a good change. My two daughters and I had been muddling along okay and I never envisaged marrying again. But then along came David and the rest is history as they say. What they don’t say is that there would be many changes, some planned and some not planned and not even wanted but change would happen. We lived in Fareham in Hampshire at this time and David was having to move to Bristol with the MOD. Not a move either of us, along with hundreds of other families, wanted to make. But we had no choice. I would have to leave my daughter and my grandsons, my brother and everyone I knew and loved. Broke my heart. I was scared but my place was with my husband. Lisa was married and settled, Marie wanted to come with us having just left university. We moved to Wales to enable us to get more land to have our horses with us. As it happened, apart from missing my daughter more than I can say, it was a good move. Lisa and her family visited and we went down to see them as often as we could, animals allowing. I retrained, after a long illness and became a professional Psychotherapist and still do this today. So the picture in my head was coming to fruition. Living in a beautiful country cottage that we renovated, was the icing on the cake. I thought we would remain there for the rest of our lives but circumstances dictated different. We then, in August, 2010, 8 years ago, moved to West Wales, and here we are today. At first it was beautiful and we were happy but even further away from family so we visited as much as we could. Lisa had become a foster mum and I was so proud of her. Every child she cared for became a member of our family, albeit from a distance but lovely when we visited to see our family grow. She had fought hard for her son, my grandson, all through his schooling as he had a few problems and never gave up trying to find the right help for him. On her own. She then adopted a little girl, a new granddaughter and those of you who know my story, know how badly that went wrong. How I found myself on the outside of their lives. That was the beginning of the tarnishing of the picture I had of our future. My dream. My mind’s eye had begun to change what it saw. I always believed, always hoped, that one day I would make this right and the picture of our future would be restored. Our family would be as one again and my life would include everyone I loved. A lovely normal way to grow old, for both me and David. He so deserves it.
In 2014, Once again I dared to dream. Marie was getting married and was expecting a baby. Again, our future was planned. I had wanted to share this news with my eldest daughter but couldn’t.We talked nothing but baby and weddings and then wallop, life socked us in the face. Marie lost the baby and I am not sure how, but decided that it was okay because she never really wanted children and so got on with her life. Me? I was devastated and still think about the child lost. She is, like David very pragmatic and saw no reason to dwell on what had happened and moved on with her life. Now married and happy, perhaps she was right. So then we again, planned our future, this time around our animals, Marie and Jason would take them on as Marie had always promised and a new way of life was beginning this year for all of us. We were downsizing, moving nearer to a little town and becoming involved with the community, something dear to my heart.
In 2016, planning this new life was still in its infancy and just as well as Life had other plans. David was diagnosed with Prostate cancer and all my readers who are part of the groups I am in, know how this is a game changer. I have written weekly about how PC affected our lives, how everything was on hold and the fear and terror that was our life for more than 2 years. That wasn’t in our plans! That was no part of the picture in my head! Not invited, not planned for and definitely not wanted! Thankfully, I hope and pray, he is out of the woods now. I say he had cancer, not that he has it but reading some posts this week has given me a worry I thought had gone for good. So once again, I am revisiting the ‘what ifs’! I am sure every person who has had cancer feels this way. David is sure it won’t return and most of the time so am I, but ‘what if?????? Where was that in my head, back in my younger years??What part of my picture was cancer?? I didn’t see it!
Earlier this year as you will know, my beloved brother, my big bear Tony, lost his own fight with cancer and that dealt me a huge blow. I am still grieving for the one person who had been there for me the whole of my life. My future included him in a big way, one way or another but cancer had other plans. Another blight on the picture in my head for my later years, I always thought he would always be there. I was wrong. This, along with my man having the ‘c’ word, the fear that traveled with me for most of my life, has returned in all its force and glory. I am trying hard to refuse to let it in!
So today, once again after making plans to move, to downsize, life hits us in the face and we are staying where we are. Not with a large family around us as my picture showed. Not in a manageable home, not in a village community but in a place we have wanted, later this year, to be a memory, not still a reality. A home, ‘here on the farm’ that we could say, ‘we used to live there’. But life had other plans and so here I am. Looking at the picture in my head and shaking it sadly.
Our expectations, as a youngish couple, for the last chapter in our lives, have to now be revisited. I have a new picture to paint. I want my daughter and grandchildren in my life and will not give up trying to put that right. I have a wonderful husband and life with him I am so grateful for. Downsizing was mostly for him as after the last few years, PC and two skin cancer operations have taken their toll. There is always such a lot to do around here, although he never complains I know he is finding it hard. We are both approaching the last era in life and need to be kind to ourselves and would if allowed. We have never just been a couple, we have always had children or a child with us and this was our time, our chance to just ‘be us’. David took me on, children, animals and all that a life before him had given me, no question. He wanted to be Dad to Lisa and Marie and granddad to my daughters children, but has been denied the chance, through no fault of his own. As we grow older, luckily very much in love with each other, I want to look forward but might just keep it a secret as to how and where. That way, ‘life’ will not be able to change the direction, steal our plans and dreams. Paint its own picture. We will just make them quietly and maybe secretly and creep over to what we really want and then tell the world, or those interested, that we have made changes. Maybe, just maybe that way, the picture in my head will return.
But one thing I surely must have learned over time, is that it is not wise to make plans. Our happy ever after has been tried and tested so much, that the image in my head is hard to focus on now. So if I want that to be my future, for however long I have left, I need to adjust the colours, the contrast or maybe change the picture completely! Make it more realistic, more credible more achievable. I am grateful for all I have, so much more than a lot of people but would love to share it with those I love. You are never too old to paint a new picture and even if someone changes it, when you are not looking, you can begin again, so I will. Watch this space!
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 