Oh how I wish I could go back to the days before I knew of your existence. Before you were able to touch my life in the way that you have. But even before I knew your name, you were out there, doing your nasty damage and spreading fear, pain, hurt and loss. If you were a person, would you feel proud of the devastation you have wreaked on people’s lives? No, because even pride is a feeling and you cancer with a little ‘c’, have no feelings.
One of the definitions according to ‘Collins’ is this.
‘an evil or destructive practice or phenomenon that is hard to contain or eradicate’
I will come back to this, as you know only too well the different forms you take, where you attack, destroy and kill. All of those nasty ways you physically harm the poor souls you seek out and steal from. Lung cancer, breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, Prostate cancer etc. etc. Done well haven’t you; no physical body part excluded, or safe from your onslaught or attack. But there are other forms, other destructive practices or phenomenon that share your name, they come in the from of people, or entities that live amongst us, destroy our lives, tiny parts to begin with but spreading their evil to make sure the disease that is cancer, spreads far and wide and destroys in a different way than physically but destroys all the same.
I wasn’t aware at the time that you had struck, I don’t think back then, I even knew your name but when I was a child, around 11 years old, I had a friend who suddenly didn’t come to school. I called at her house many times, only to be sent away. But I am if anything, persistent and kept going back and asking if I could see her. one-day, taking a couple of friends with me, strength in numbers I suppose, we persuaded her Mum to let us in to see Christine. After a little wait, we were shown into a dark room. We could just about see a figure sitting on the bed but it was too dark to see who it was. It was Christine, sounding very fragile and asking us not to turn on the light. I went to her and she held her hand up to stop me and I could make out a shadow of the girl I knew, thin and weak. I sat back down. We only stayed a few minutes because her Mum came and ushered us out. A few days later we were told in Assembly that Christine had died. You had taken her from us. A battle you had won. Well done you!
A few years later, when I was 18, my eldest sister was to be married and my Nan, was not too well. She didn’t get on with my mother so we could only see her when we visited her home. But despite not being well, she attended Georgina’s wedding as she has wanted. I went round on the following Saturday as we hadn’t seen her since the wedding, and found her very ill. The doctor came and told us she had cancer,yes, you won again. She had fought you for around 18 months, to see her first grandchild married. A few days later, Nan left us. A victory for you I suppose but she made you wait!
When I was a young woman, I was very close to my sister-in-law, Tony’s first wife Lin. They had a little boy. One day, she came into where I worked, a doctors practice and told me of a mole that had bled. Tony was in the Royal Marines and away at the time. After a biopsy they discovered she had been contaminated by you. A young mum and wife, a wonderful person whom I loved as a sister and there you were. Attacking her. Why? No one wanted you there, why her??Well again, she gave you a fight. She had a second son but sadly lost her fight when he was 2 months old. Cruel and cowardly I called you then and call you still.
During the next few years, both of my sisters had breast cancer. My eldest had treatment and the other sister had a double mastectomy and implants. They fought to stay here, to beat you and at that time did. We all rejoiced but even after this, you were still a relative stranger to my own tiny world. I was outside of my family, being put there for reason I have told in earlier blogs, and although Lin and Nan’s deaths hurt me in huge way, my sisters, we thought had beaten you.Then, years later, you returned to do your worst and Georgina lost her fight after you contaminated and destroyed her body. Feeling ashamed yet??
Back in 2012, I had a wonderful friend Mo. Funny, intelligent, kind and caring, would have done anything for anybody and there you were, stealthily creeping into her body and taking her strength and eventually her being, away from us. That’s what you do, so cowardly, creep in and no one knows you are there until it’s too late. Destroying, killing people secretly and don’t show your face most times, until its too late for anyone to do anything! Such a huge loss for her family and I know, for me. I lost my confidante, my friend, my common sense giver and speaker of how it is. Huge huge loss and great sadness for this wonderful lady. Thanks for that!
I have known of many who have lost loved ones because of you. A close friend,a lovely mum of 3 children who grew up with my girls, lost her beloved husband far too young. Another victim of your evil. Why do you do that? Why do you take good people when there are so many bad ones who wouldn’t be missed? Why? I could give you names of people who in their own way, spread their own kind of cancer, through other people’s lives. Destroy and contaminate people’s lives like you do. Take them please!
Many people had left us by your hand. Many great people, celebrities, musicians, acquaintances but I am today just tolling up those close to me whom I have lost.Our ‘relationship’ cancer, yours and mine. Not happy reading.
2015 saw me at the doc’s with a lump. I was worried but not too much so, as I have regular mammagrams becaus of the family history but was sent to a consultant, to check the lumps. Then I was scared. Then I really thought you had come for me! Make it 3 sisters. Not if I could help it! I had biopsies after a few days of terror but found that I had inflamed milk ducts. So one in the eye for you mate!
In 2016 my beloved husband had a blood test that shattered our world. A routine test his doctor said and I suppose it is or should be. But the resulting years have been dominated by you. Pc, cancer with a little ‘c’. I refuse to give you a capital letter. Won’t do it!I have diarised the past years in ealrier blogs so won’t repeat myself but you almost own. Threatended just by the essence of a postive blood test, that David had cancer. All the horror of that day and those months are still with me but I believe we have beaten you this time. David HAD cancer but doesn’t have it now. I will keep saying this and you won’t beat us!
Many years ago, my beloved brother Tom, my big bear, was told he had 2 years to live. This was back around 22 years: he had a brain illness and that was his life expectancy. We were all devastated but it didn’t happen. He survived and we rejoiced. Then 2 plus years ago, you reared your ugly head. It was always on the cards and Tony knew that. As a heavy smoker, your aid to your destructive force, smoking, left him weak and with Lung cancer. February this year you added to your millions, one man, my wonderful, funny, loving brother, dad, husband, uncle and grand dad to many. Can you tell me why? Why him?
And now, in a different form, you have been threatening to take Ellie Mae. My precious little girl, my forever friend, my dog. Yes, she has cancer, one of the blights you inflicted. She is still having a good quality of life but we are living on borrowed time. This time it is different. Where as in all of those I have lost and everyone else, Ellie is different in that I can see you! I can see your horror, growing and changing the way she walks. I even bathe you and that’s so hard but I don’t do it for you I do it for Ellie, to make sure she is comfortable.She is in no pian but I won’t thank you for anything. She is still happy, eating, playing, sleeping but I know you will utlimately win. But not yet. Not for as long as she is happy, we will fight you all the way. She will leave us on her terms not yours.!
So there you are in all your glory. Destroying people’s bodies and lives but there is a nother kind of ‘you’. A cancer that grows at the hands or rather mouths of people. Cruel people who tell stories and lies about those they wish to hurt. And they succeed. I have a sister who is as evil as you, cancer. Her name is ‘Trisha’. She has destroyed any hope of my being close to my daughter Lisa ever again. She crept in when I wasn’t around, made up the most horrible lies and spread them to anyone listening. Those who didn’t even know me, believed her. Why wouldn’t they? People don’t tell such horrible things unless they true. Do they??? Those who did know me believed her because the stories,in my daughters’ words, were too unbelievable to not believe, if you understand. Like with you and your destructive disease, I had no idea of this happening, until it was too late. These stories have been spread to my grandsons, my family and my friends. Some since, I have back in my life, now they know it was all lies, but not my daughter. She was vulnerable at the time her aunt barged into her life and I was not around. The stories were so fantastical that it is hard to think they were made up. But they were. But as readers know, mud sticks and my relationship, that I wanted to make right, so dearly, is ruined by the cancer that was my sister.So cancer with a little ‘c’, you have a rival.
I wrote this on a down day but decided to post it as I it is how I feel and think.But I will bounce back, I always have and always will. You won’t destroy my intergrity, my spirit or my heart, cancer. Y u may have destroyed many I love and much I have cared for but you are not my whole story. Watch this space.!
Thankyou for reading x
carolannwright 