I can’t but wish someone would say that to me and it be true.
Todays blog was going to be positive, uplifting and even humorous but sadly, life had other ideas. When I began blogging almost 3 years ago, I promised to be open, honest and always tell it as it is. My life ‘here on the farm’ My life, my truth, my blog. That is how I have written, throughout the family stuff, the horrible journey with PC and everything life threw at me. But lately, I really thought it had run out of ammunition. I thought things were at last, settling down. How wrong was I!
After the trials of the past years, diarised on this page, I began to relax, to look forward and be more optimistic that life would return to my happy, my settled, my calm. I had managed to re-engage with family, I was back running my clinic and the most important positive, David is cancer free. Almost a ‘happy’ that I talk about in my books. I have tried never to become complacent, as I am sure, someone or something sees this and thinks it a good idea, to send me something that shows me I was being smug. Taking things for granted. So I try not to do that. But I have also tried so hard not to let ‘worry’ enter my world again. Easier said than done. So there I was, jogging along, trying to be positive, in a world full of negatives and wallop! Along comes my lifetime companion, the ‘f’ word. Fear!
We have had a huge amount of worry this week with the animals and as if that was not enough, my beloved husband reminded me, that we are coming up to his next PSA test. That should have been just that, just a reminder for me to arrange this when the time comes but no, it wasn’t. It was enough to send my mind reeling, my worry button that was already switched on, heating to over load. The very link with anything to do with the past 2 years shakes my world. But this week, although we have decided to say David is cancer free, because that is what the consultant tells us and is the only way of coping, I have read on the groups, of people saying you are never cancer free. That once a man has had PC he will always bear the risk of it coming back. I always believed that if the margins are good and clear and the prostate gone then PC has also gone. But it was argued, not by me, that this isn’t the case. Once you have had PC you will always be at risk of further cancers directly linked to this horrid disease. I am trying hard here, not to believe that. I had to stop myself from shouting at the screen ‘You are wrong! That’s not right!’ Yes of course another illness, another cancer might rear its ugly head but I can’t live like that. David doesn’t live like that. His famous ‘we are where we are’, in difficult times, can be and is, used in this context. We are cancer free, undetectable and must always be grateful for that. So I will continue to say David had PC. Not that he has it, wrongly or rightly, it works for me. Cancer Gone. Cancer Free. Cancer over or I might go under!
One of the legacies of these past years is my fear of losing him, David I mean. That fear, since PC never leaves me. We have a few acres, here, and often he will be out in the fields, into our little wooded area, out in the gardens, ponds etc. and I can’t see him. Years ago, before PC it would just be a matter of my telling myself that he is busy and I would ring our ‘summoning’ bell and he would, eventually appear. This past week, he couldn’t be found, I couldn’t see him anywhere and he didn’t answer the bell. Mind went into overdrive and I had him collapsed, out in the fields, unconscious or worse! This week, the fear of losing him has been far worse that of late.
Why has it become worse? Death has become something that is forever in my mind. I suppose because of the reality of facing almost imminent loss of our two little dogs, our babies, our family. Ellie Mae, as I have said before, has mammary cancer and we know the time will come, all too soon, for us to make a decision about her. She is still happy, playing, eating and her quality of life is still good, so some respite but we know what is coming. Our little 13-year-old Cody is now deaf, almost blind and slowing down so we can see the same thing ahead for him and it breaks my heart. We have 9 horses and ponies living here now and it seems that although we have had more in the past, currently we have hit a huge period of sickness, accidents or the like. It is not usual to have one down with something, as some are rescues and have poor pasts and we have the legacies of that, but this past week and a bit, it has been relentless. I always said Marie should marry a vet, now I think maybe I was right!
The end of last week we had one of Marie’s cobs, Cheyenne, down with colic, she was really poorly and as always, it happened at night and that seemed to make it worse. She was of course, brought into the barn along with her two pals. The vet came twice giving her Buscapan for the pain and she recovered. We then had Oliver, my pony, going down with percussive Laminitis, something we feared, as he has poor feet and is susceptible to Laminitis from grass but this was the hard ground. They were all suffering slightly sore feet because of the hardness and dryness of the paddocks. We began bringing them in at night, putting them in their stables on rubber matting to give them some respite. Oliver, had by this time, had boots bought for him that helped a bit. Over last weekend, another of Marie’s horses, Darcy an Appaloosa went down with severe colic and we wondered if it was the hay. We began soaking the hay and gave this to all of them. However, the vet administered Buscapan again but unfortunately it went into her muscle and she became very poorly. Collapsed on the stable floor. The vet returned and gave her something for the pain and a muscle relaxant, saying she thought the needle had caused an abscess. So we are now, after a few night with 2 hourly visits to check her, waiting for the abscess to burst or breakdown. You would think that was it wouldn’t you? You would be wrong. Our little coloured mini, my little boy Casey, was kicked, not sure why and thrown to the floor. Nothing like this has ever happened in our keeping before but it happened. He cuddled into me in his stable, almost asking for me to help him, pawing at the floor and I was helpless to do anything but comfort him. A few minutes later, he became very poorly and once again the vet was called. (See why I think Marie should have married a vet?) She gave Casey an injection , painkiller and after a while he seemed improved. This morning found us with the other little mini, George, unable to stand and so the saga continues. I love these equines very much and it is so upsetting to see them unwell and especially in pain. I just hope that is it now. No more Thankyou, whoever you are for ‘testing’ me and us many, many times. I think we have passed now! On top of this, is the worry of no new hay this year.Having them all in and having no grass in the paddocks, has left us using the Winter hay and not sure if we are able to get anymore as it isn’t growing in our area. The hunt has begun to find some before the end of the Summer.
Whilst all of the above was happening, or at least yesterday with Casey and George, we were hit with the most torrential rain and thunder and lightning. I admit we needed it, or rather still need it but we didn’t want two months worth all in one 12 hour period! We had huge hailstones, lightening and terrific thunder that took out our power, just to add to everything else. The drive is once again, under water because of the ferocity of the rain and the hardness of the ground, it was unable to sink in. All of the ponies and horses are in the barn, safe but what the next few weeks holds for us and them, I hate to think that far ahead.
So that is the animal issue, the PC issue and the fear that has brought me and now, there is my own issue. I am very low today, sad because of the situation between me and my eldest daughter, worried for her and about her and my grandchildren. Worried about our future because of my own health issues that I am waiting to have diagnosed and always worried about what the future holds. I am trying not to think about PSA, PC and all the nasties this brings to light. Can’t go there again today.I know worry helps nothing and no one but that’s just how it is today.
I have said before, that my dad once told me, when I had lost a baby, that God only gives you as much as you can handle, well I think he has me confused with someone else! I am at the end of my tether today. Dad also said, that God tests you and at the time of losing my son, many years ago,a baby not planned,that I had been given the choice of terminating the pregnancy but wouldn’t and chose to continue. Dad said , when I asked him why my baby had been born sleeping,why had it happened, he replied that it was God testing me and that I had passed, as I had chosen the hard path and not the easier one. Easy for whom was not clarified. Well, I think I have passed every test now Thankyou. These past few years have tested everything I have and I am still here. Today struggling. But still here! So no more Thankyou.
I don’t believe you are given only as much as you can handle. I work with clients who have so much more to deal with than I do and wonder how they cope. I don’t want any more time wasted on worry, I haven’t got the time to waste. I want to live, not exist. I want happy not sad. I want to give joy, to those willing for me to do so. Help to those who come to me. Love to everyone. Yes, my ‘want’ list is quite long. Something I discourage children to say, ‘I want’ and here I am saying it myself.
So, beginning a sentence with the word that seems to be the opening word for every conversation these days. So. I will continue to say David had cancer and is cancer free, even though every PSA test brings me to my knees.
I will continue to look after my rescued animals and all of my other animals in the best way I know how. I will give them the best of me and somehow manage the illnesses they suffer. I will keep running my clinic, helping others through their life issues and seeing them end therapy different people. I hope. I will always do my best for my family and hope that is enough. Although,enough doesn’t stand a chance where Lisa and my grandchildren are concerned. I have to find a way better than ‘enough’. Someway to bring her back into my life at some level. I think that is really what she would like, deep down but can’t see a way forward. I have to find that way, somehow. I am acutely aware however, that time is something that is not on my side and mustn’t lose sight of that.
So yes, I am afraid, the ‘F’ word is very evident, I can’t sleep, I am not eating as well as I should be and worry and fear are my constant companions. But that is life I suppose and I have to grin and bear it. ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’. Thanks Susan Jeffers, I have never forgotten your words.
Thank you for reading x
carolannwright 